Walking is therapeutic for me. Sometimes I’ll even go out without music. Imagine that, haha The craziest of things will go through my head sometimes. Like whenever I’m walking to the store, I try to play this game with myself and see how far my eyes can actually see if I strain. I know, I know, I’m a bit of an odd bird. But on my way to the grocery store I can see the buildings down town. Then I drift off thinking about the children of Israel. The joy of relief that must of filled their entire soul in having their new life in eyes view. How amazing that must of felt for them. THAT is right where I want to be. So incredibly focused  on my journey that I’m completely un~bothered by all of the miles in between. Finally doing the RIGHT thing for myself. For my mind, my body, my spirit. That’s all that matters to me right now. Along with EVERYTHING that surrounds those things. Most people my age have all of that stuff totally figured out in their lives. As usual though, Cheryl pulling in the rear…haha But nobody can ever accuse me of not taking my time and being sure 😉 Seeing the bigger picture of life is a desire to learn trait. Sometimes the desire of wanting something and needing it is a very fine mother fuckin’ line. I can want a glass of water all day long, but if I’m tired, unmotivated and lazy I won’t move from my position until I absolutely need it.
I’ve been compared to Ruth a lot. Her perseverance in finding the favor of the Lord and consistency. But I’d like to think a little beyond that. Ruth wasn’t just finding favor because of her consistency in obedience. She was finding favor because of her focus in getting to her new life. She new THAT is who she was now. Even though she may not have been quite sure of her direction, she was damn sure going to get there.
I told Mark today I want to get to his and his kick ass wife, Lori’s level of being completely un~bothered. People get uncomfortable around Mark because he reminds them of something they are dealing with in themselves. I know this to be fact. Hell, I am one of those people on occasion, LMFAO But I know this to be true because since trying to obtain pieces of mental peace myself, I’ve noticed the uncomfortable skin around me to…itch sort of speak. I’ve let go of the fact THAT…is NOT my problem. I made it mine for years. But only in the past 5 have I come to peace with the terms MY comfort in my own self is a stronghold for some people. That breaks my heart, but I can no longer try to fix that in people or apologize for getting off my fat ass and applying CHANGES to my own life and begin to make me a better person for MY OWN mental well being. Why should I have ever been made to feel bad for my glass half full disposition?
As much as that hurts me, I understand and totally get it. I get that that “bothers” some people. I have not always been positive. I LEARNED to be. I CHANGED that. I didn’t like who I was before. As much as I get that annoys some people, I’m now “bothered” by the fact I’m an excuse for their not being able to focus on a bigger picture for themselves. (WHOA! Can I saaay THAT? Geesh…another blog my friends, another blog!) Which brings me to the level I DESIRE to reach.
Un~Bothered.
Mark and his kick~ass wife Lori, have no resentment towards anyone. Honestly, not anyone. Neither of them are the type of people to talk shit. I admire that. I respect it. I talk shit. Yes I do. I will vent, be pissed off, annoyed…bothered.
The GOAL of reaching un~bothered involves consistency in MY vision. Even when I’m tired. You can be all these crazy emotions in life. Mad, happy, somber, numb, silly, sleepy…and STILL be focused.
THAT was my girl Ruth. She paid no mind to those around her. To the King’s men who were probably eye ballin’ her, others noticing her favor, to no doubt “mean muggin’ talkin’ shit, haha…she was focused, and un~bothered on every single one of them and only thinking, breathing and moving towards that new life. Doing her thing out there everyday and minding her business and keeping to herself.
In some chapters of life we have to be selfish. It sounds easy but my passion and love I have for people make that very hard for me. But certain things need to come together in order to start working. My weight loss needed to inline with my journey for inner peace. That focus of finding my new life is in sight and I have to be around nothing but motivation. Falling back, keeping to myself, staying focused because I DESIRE a NEED to be right within my own body, mind and spirit.  For my own sake and the legacy I’ll leave behind. For my children…my grand children 😉  As my weight falls off and my mind learns new ways of finding peace I’m falling more and more in love with life. As terrified as I am of it. Every day closer to a new life out there waiting for me. I’m focused on my purpose. My disposition is as stands, forward on into spiritual growth and everything with it man.
Growth doesn’t always feel good either. But if you knew by doing the right thing… your consequence may be undesired, would you still do the right thing?

Saleh~
Gesuschic