I was at the gas station with my daughter last week and as I put the car in park she asked; “Mom, do you know what today is?” It took half a breath before the date rushed into my head and my heart sank right into my belly. “August 17th Mom…He left us exactly one year ago today.”
When he first left us I tried to always keep busy. For all kinds of reasons. To appear strong for the four people counting on me to keep it all together, to show my friends I was strong, to prove a point to him I wasn’t going to fall apart…but mostly, even though I hate to admit it. My reason was selfish. I didn’t want o have any time for me to think about him. To torture myself on the cruel things he said as to why he left. Although every excuse was bullshit when someone slams your confidence in just about everything you thought you were doing right, it’s a massive blow to who you are.
I thought my two oldest were “over it…” He said he left me not the kids, but just like everything else that was a lie…He left every single one of us that day. August 17th 2012 I must say the last few weeks he has put more effort into “our children” but the two oldest, even though he raised them? No…none…it’s as if they were completely expendable. That breaks my heart in half and hatred lurks around my soul like a snake whenever I stop and ponder on the hurt my two oldest children have gone through because of all of this. Later that evening I’m scrolling through Instagram and my second oldest has a post of a memo, simply stating; “It’s been a year since you walked out on us. And it’s still hard to believe it was just that easy for you.”
As a mother you have these beautiful babies God blesses you with and in both situations my oldest children changed my entire life. They rescued me…In my rebellion and running from God I became pregnant with my daughter and in the Ministry I’ve been called to, she is my testimony of His amazing grace and unconditional love through forgiveness.
My son…I was losing focus, doing things no mother should be doing, getting a bit crazy and in getting pregnant with him (even though doubly protected 😉 ) God slowed my roll, haha.
I was so careful when I first started dating my Ex-Husband. It was almost 4 months before I even let him see my kids. Longer than that before I started bringing him to my place and spending time with my kids. I wanted to be so sure that I wasn’t bringing someone around their precious delicate lives who would end up leaving. I thought I did everything right, to protect them. But here we are…one year later and they are still so completely broken. No matter how much I love them, hug them, kiss the, tell them they are wanted, needed…there will always be that brokenness of being…forgotten.
What can you do for that?
Absolutely nothing…In time, sadly as they grow older and venture off into their own lives separate from mine, they will have to conquer those demons of abandonment and feeling of being tossed to the side and in the midst of it all, still maintain a relationship with my two youngest children without resentment or jealousy. It really sucks how someone elses actions can have such an effect on another…sigh.
One year…wow…I can’t quite believe it. I think I’ve gone through every single emotion known to man in the past 12 months…all but one.
Grief…
My heart never went through this. Until yesterday. Our youngest daughter was baptized and surprisingly he wanted to go. With all of the baptisms he had done himself, teenagers he ministered too, strangers he lead to the Lord, his sister, her husband…He loved that. It was one of the things he lived for. It hit me as Pastor Matt and Craig baptized our baby girl, he should have been doing it. Pastor Dave just a decade earlier baptized him at Alum Creek…and it was so emotional, so beautiful…how could he not be thinking of these things? Driving down the road after leading some kids to the Lord and them wanting to be baptized, my Ex-Husband found a pool…hahaha…and baptized these three teenagers and the Lord was moving so hardcore. I can’t even explain yesterday. I came home that day, went to bed feeling so blessed about my baby girl and her decision to follow Christ example in water baptism but all I could do was cry..just grieved by all that has been lost this past year for our family. How much God had in store for our life. Not that He still does not have a plan for the kids and myself..He does. But what could have been…just thrown away. I can’t help but wonder did I pray enough? Did I seek God hard enough? Free-will has a nasty side effect…the emotions of those left behind dealing with the shattered pieces of someone’s selfish choice. I always knew I was supposed to be a wife.
My two oldest deserve a family, united. Complete with dinner party’s, church outings, Christmas gatherings and celebrated birthdays. I don’t give a rats ass about “modern families” in the 21st Century. They deserve a traditional family. It’s what I prayed for when I had them…The very thing I fasted for before meeting my Ex-Husband…It’s traditional, but I don’t care.
So what now…How is God going to fix this hot mess?
My flesh streams tears down my face as I type, my heart is heavy and my mind is stressed…but deep down I know, I know…He will.

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