Sitting in the waiting area of H&RBlock to me, was equal to death. It was freezing outside and this was the last place I wanted to be.
As my husband walked in there was no eye contact, no hello, no…nothing. To everyone else there we looked like complete strangers.
A few months ago this man was my best friend and I had every intention of growing old with him.
I tell my kids all of the time “life can change in an instant.” How true is that?
I stated in my last blog how divorce is a whirlwind of emotions and sharing my divorce with the world is to maybe, bring some encouragement to someone whose going through the same thing. I’m going to be honest about everything.
Today, I feel complete anger, contempt.
I know as a Christian that sounds terrible to say. Every single day is a battle for me. My flesh has been getting the best of me the past few days and anger has been like a tsunami wave crashing right into my face. I was by no means the perfect wife. However, I was a damn good one.
I will NEVER allow ANYBODY to steal that truth from me.
When going through something so excruciating the mental breakdown of  “what if’s” you go through are astounding. But the “how could he’s” are far much worse.
“I just don’t want to do this anymore…”
“We have different lifestyles…”
“There are goals I want to accomplish that I can’t do there with you.”
“Your weight is a factor of why I left…”
These are all the words going through my head sitting there in that waiting area. I felt sick to my stomach to the point I wanted to vomit.
Those “reason’s” are excuses of bullshit hidden under a cowardly condescending man. Those words of excuses are him not admitting he’s seen the grass on the other side of a fence and he seems to think it’ll be greener over there, or…those are all the insecurities he feels towards himself but it’s easier to face palm someone else with them instead of dealing with it himself, OR…he truly just has no other reason and doesn’t want to admit he’s tired of responsibility and wants to be selfish for a while. Who will ever know other than God?
“She should have seen it coming, I was miserable for years” is what my husband plastered across Facebook and Twitter but I will make this perfectly clear right now to all who cares to read my words. NO…I DID NOT. I can walk away from this with a complete peace that I genuinely did all that I could for God to restore our marriage. However, as sovereign as He is BOTH need to reach out for Him to heal. You can pray until your heart is standing at attention to the cherubim at the throne, it’s not possible to have faith for TWO people when one is done.
It’s emotionally draining and when one begins to look at the other as if he’s better than you, your self-esteem and confidence begins to die and there is no way that can be God’s intention for you.
The dangerous thing about divorce is the fact it’s so easy to allow anger to get the best of you. I can sit and ponder on the cruel words spoken to me but the only thing that will do is have anger consume me and eventually make me miserable.
Although I feel that way right now. I need to precondition my mind-set that eventually it needs to be let go of…eventually 😉
But that’s what flesh will do. Your emotions getting the best of you.
Anger, love, sadness, confusion all of it.
But as my anger dissipates my spirit grieves.
I look at all God has brought my husband and I through and I weep at why he can allow himself to walk away. How he could want to walk away….
How could he forget all the mercy and grace God has covered our marriage with. From the vision brought to life in our baby Ezra. How he was going to come to be right down to what his name was going to be. All the prophecies that came to pass through our children in the healing process of his own broken childhood.
Waterfalls of spiritual grief just fall and I find myself feeling abandoned, empty and lost…I didn’t deserve being walked out on in the middle of the night, left with no car, broken children and insecurities of me as a woman and a failure as a Wife.
I will never understand.
There is a hole left here where we once stood united as a family.
We faced problems hand in hand with prayer and faith. Wept for our lost loved ones, vowing to be together forever as long as Christ was our center and now…it’s a mess.
The view of God as a Father to our children begins at home.
Men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.
I am spiritually broken.
Those sick excuses for justifying him bouncing out of our marriage should have NO comparison to the anointing power of God we walked in as a husband and wife.
All this week I have gone back and forth from anger in my flesh to grieving in my spirit and I am emotionally drained.
I understand and know in my heart that my husband has been hurt by the risk of reaching out in faith, but we tend to forget that men in general are mere men. Only God is God and only can God be consistent in love. We forget that men can hurt us…
In the midst of my anger I hope that one day my husband will reach back and find God waiting for him.
Sadly, I won’t be.
It’s been said that the hardest part is not always the letting go but the starting over. I can walk away… However I will always be sad for what once was. But as I walk away and reach for God’s mercy in new wine, new beginnings, and fresh living water there is no doubt I will be okay.
The dangerous thing about divorce is that it can make you fear being vulnerable. But I refuse to allow it to happen to me.
I will always be a hopeless romantic, believing in those serendipitous moments.
Ready to laugh at every unfortunate bump in the road of my life.
Walk out and face the world with my heart on my sleeve and be ready for the impossible because no matter what heartbreak consumes me today, tomorrow His mercies will be made new and there will I be, open and vulnerable to whatever.

“It’s funny how you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving.”

~Cheryl