I turned 53 on April 10th and my girls bought me a laptop, so I took it as sign.
It has been a lifetime since I’ve blooged. And I’m finally in a space where I feel safe and secure, and all I can say is, it has been just that, a lifetime.
I’m not even going to go into the past few years about the Book of Cheryl, only that the chapters aren’t reading as I thought they would. I’ve always had pride in the fact my faith was so deeply rooted that it could withstand any storm. And going through a spiritual trial I believed I somehow was supposed to go through, didn’t make me believe any different. However, the dreaded however! I didn’t come through the fire refined and ready for a new spiritual battle. My emotions of hands raised in worship and faith in a favor of the security of the great I Am had been replaced with feelings of loss, dissapoitment and what the fuck’s… I didn’t feel refined at all. Only emptied. And again, knowing WHO my identity was in, I waited for my faith to somehow refill, to get a tangible tough of mercy. But it never happened. And I can’t even say I’m confused.
As I said at the beginning of my blog, I turned 53. The same age my dad was when he died. Maybe that’s the reason for this new path, to rediscover who I am now. My dad was a truth seeker. In all ways. Conspiracies, faith, love, general everyday questions. So now it’s my turn.
I suppose I’m a shattered mirror. With all the broken pieces falling in all kinds of directions. The upside pieces are still clear, although broken and misplaced, I can see myself in them, I’m still there. Those are the confident pieces of myself that are still valid. But then the downside pieces. They’re blacked out, I see nothing of who I am or who I used to be. There’s nothing.
Old Cheryl would have thought she needed prayer for reassurance her faith would return. That “this too shall pass” would take ahold and spiritual comfort would once again consume me. But new Cheryl… The emptied Cheryl, doesn’t even know if she needs anything at all. Because right now I feel like drifting wood, floating down a river of new questions and new discovery. Letting go of the why’s and what if’s that have taken complete control over my mind and nostalgia has left me miserable in a Kingdom I never felt welcomed in.
So here I am, asking in my best Anthony Michael Hall as Brian Johnson voice in the Breakfast Club; “WHO, AM I?”
And for some weird reason, I’m no longer pressured to be in a hurry to even know 😉

SELAH,
Gesuschic~

I broke down this past week.
My mind has been spinning.
I’ve been so completely overwhelmed.
It’s been weeks since I’ve been at church and I so covet the time with my spiritual family
.
The season is beginning to change and the grief I work so hard to keep under control throughout the Summer months, begins to stir in my belly and violently shakes the broken part of my soul awake.
It’s relentless and callous.
It knows no mercy and holds back absolutely nothing.
I’ve said a million times in every lifetime I’ve lived, that the glass I carry, no matter what it’s filled with, is looked at as half full, never half empty, but oh my God…The Fall.
As beautifully significant the leaves are, as they lay upon the cold wet streets
. They have “fallen” none the less.
The once bloomed and vibrant color of life, in the sunshine of Summer has gone, and change begins to chill the air, turning crisp and cold. And again I become my own worst enemy as I fight to keep myself from becoming the same way.
A constant battle to refrain from becoming cold, callous and bitter because of this grief I carry and wear as a cloak around my neck. 

Normally I can dig deep and remind myself of who I am.
A fighter.
A woman who has risen a thousand times over from the ashes of life’s cruel punches and do over’s.
A believer in faith that moves the biggest of mountains.
A mother who will fight to give her children a glimmer of hope at a new and fresh beginning.
But there’s something about the season of Fall.
The name itself shows intent.
I brace myself for it every year, but every time I fail.

Falling to pieces just like the leaves.
I feel myself losing my mind and falling apart wondering: Am I EVER going to have my shit together?
I’m terrified and frightened by the fact that when a little bit of light is showing and I feel a ray of hope in this darkened season, the crisp cool air reminds me of the bitterness about to come and an avalanche of emotion knocks me backward.
Honestly, with every Fall season it gets harder and harder and harder to go through this battle. I don’t want anymore do over’s or fresh starts, I NEED settled.
My precious children need a sense of security. But instead they get lessons in:
“people come and go”
“smile through the pain”
and never feeling rooted anywhere.
We get forgotten and tend to wear out welcomes and a sense of “home” is lost in translation.

They’ve seen me cry and break down more so this time, than any other time that we’ve had to crawl into yet, another “do over” season and it sucks soo bad.
I’m starting to break.
I’m spinning out of control.
I’m so overwhelmed.

Barely Breathing,
Cheryl

The past few months I get these crazy ideas. Through my dreams, people I meet, random events. I get what my mom used to call “Holy Goose Bumps.” You would think at 41yrs old (accepting the Lord at 15) there wouldn’t be a whole lot that should shock me.
But the Lord does it.
Sunday af
afternoon Pastor Matt had an “off script” service. The kind where you have a sermon planned but the Holy Ghost politely took over the service during worship 🙂 Ever since Angel walked out of our life, it’s been a roller coaster ride for my womanhood, my mothering, my friendships and faith. I constantly feel as though I’m walking up hill towards cold wind.
The confidence I once had as a Christian knowing God’s voice has been shattered and with that the clarity of my effectiveness to make decisions. I think there was a part in submission I failed. My views on that will never change. No matter what happened in my marriage, I will not let it destroy the foundations of my belief, however…shaken they may have been. But although an obvious freedom in submission there is a certain responsibility to myself and my children where I should have prepared myself. Learned a triad and had money aside. Having my house in order “just in case.” I’m not even speaking of a “what if” divorce scenario either. No matter what the circumstance my house wasn’t in order and I allowed myself to be unprepared. God is slowly teaching me on how to look pass the favor. Sounds crazed huh? Let me explain. I think, no, no, no. I believe that no matter where you find yourself in life, God will always show you favor and blessing. The sheer fact you are His! If you are lost, poor, wealthy, a King…a pauper…YOU are favored ❤ What I mean by looking past the favor, is from a completely different angle, perspective, thought..
and by doing that, you not only see the favor, the blessing.
But the actual revelation of who God actually is…as God.
All sovereignty, all power, all might.
Since I lost my “good job” back in October and the kids and I had to move in with friends ect, ect. I have not had any luck on finding another good job.
Either scheduling conflicts or money, transportation whatever the case! I’ve had NO luck, lol I could care less about living in another suburb or having a nice ride, who really cares? I just want our own place again. For Big Green to keep on trucking and to just LIVE. I never realized how numb and empty I was until the night Angel shut the door behind him. 
It’s as if the door closed…and I gasped for what felt like the first breath I had taken in years.
Anyway, one, two, three jobs…for jobs…all came and went for me and it just seemed as though I couldn’t catch a break. Then I met Miss Peggy 🙂 An amazing woman (who I’ll always covet our time) who had started her own business and needed help. Things were going great. I loved this job. The only thing that had been on my mind was more money. I knew in order for us to have our own place I would need to make more cash. I’m not going to go into every detail about things leading up to Sunday but let’s just say the enemy was lurking around the camp and God stood at attention and guarded us from that little devil’s every move.
Sunday morning was a rush as usual. It had started snowing, we had a long two weeks as a family and truthfully NONE of us wanted to go to church. But as I laid there in my bed I just kept thinking “We need to go…” All of my kids were pissed off at me for making them get up and go, but if there is one thing I’ve learned. If you expect something, it’ll come.
God moved Sunday at church. He moved gently, hovering about my family as a couple of us began to cry and hold hands. As Pastor Matt laid hands on my Hanja and began to pray, my body began to feel as though I was floating at that point I knew I had to press in and pray for my kids. Their futures, their spouses, their every day life, and at that moment I felt another hand latch onto my pinky finger.
It was my oldest, Charlie. He was now crying too.
Pastor Matt called on him and men, real men of God, some that I’ve known since high school, some just a few short years, even months. They surrounded my son as he stood there weeping for the first time I had ever seen.
I could go on and on but I’ll move to the ride home.
We were laughing, having a good time when I noticed a text I had gotten from my boss.
Beyond Peggy’s control things happened and she had no other choice but to let me go 😦 I laughed and said a few words trying not to let my kids know a rub was just pulled out from under us, again. Later that evening I told my oldest daughter what happened and she just started crying. You would have thought she lost the job, lol But like I said earlier it’s been a long hard road since “he” left us.
“I’m not going to panic” I told myself. Just like so many times the past few years I repeated “I’ll get over it, it’s just a bump in the road.”
So far the road has sucked…But by the words in my OWN testimony from earlier that day at church “There’s a revelation here, somewhere there is a revelation I need to see.” I called a friend I had worked with, Kim. She informed me she could get me a few hours here and there but nothing concrete. I totally didn’t care, at this point I just need to keep moving, keep working. It was late, so she called the owner the next day. Again I’ll spare details but basically there was a period of FOUR SMALL HOURS where I was calling Kim, she was calling the owner, I was doing “mom stuff” and strategically GOD ordained another phone call between the owner, Kim and then mine. A NEW client. Who pays the same exact pay I got at my “good job” from back in October. Monday thru Friday…normal people hours 🙂 The owner said to me “If I had talked to you yesterday or tomorrow these hours wouldn’t be there. This is completely God timed for you Cheryl.”
Now, I could tell you how just that morning I had told my daughter “Even though I need full-time to be able to get us a place again, I’ll take whatever.” Or just that Friday telling my son “Sometimes, God has a plan we know nothing about yet.” Sooo many things said, prayed for, so many…And will this be the perfect job?
Will it lead on to the point it’s permanent?
I don’t know.
I don’t know any of those answers. I do know, however. That God has me. Even when the devil is poking and poking at my family, and throwing life circumstances at us one right after another, God always glides in like Tom Cruise across the floor in his socks in Risky Business…HAHAHA…and saves the day.
When all is hopeless, He is God.
When all is good. He is God.
When all is lost, He is God.
When all is well, He is God.
The revelation? A situation arising weeks before in my job with Peggy, yet God knew that phone call, that client needed service but had to call the owner of my old job at that day, that hour, that moment because I would need FULL TIME, GOOD PAY hours.
How awesome is He?
A million over a million times has God “pulled moves” like this since I can remember while I’ve journeyed with Him and every single time it takes my breath away of how faithful He is to me.

Selah
Cheryl
NOTE: Hold My Mule reference courtesy Shirley Caesar 🙂 Look it up!

 

So here I am. 41 years old, sharing a bedroom with my oldest daughter in the home of my best friend from childhood and her husband. My boys are across the hall and my youngest daughter down the hall. I tried, no…no. I did…my best. But it wasn’t enough.
The story of my life right?

Every single chapter keeps ending the same way for me. I pour all that I am into all that I have and circumstances beyond my control slam into my life and POOF.
It’s all gone.
Everything I worked for.
Starting over and over again is getting to be a challenge. However, I won’t let it break me. One day eventually it will all pay off. If I stop believing that then I lose all hope and then I’ll really be in trouble.

I try to teach my kids that no matter what, stay true to you. Don’t ever allow the actions of another determine who you’re going to be. The one thought that goes through my head day-to-day is the fact God has the big picture of my life. I may never see it, but I know there are things going on that would probably blow my freakin’ mind in the spiritual…I can’t stop moving. If Ruth packed up and went back to her family Boaz never would have found her.
Rahab was Boaz momma, perhaps that’s why he had a heart for Ruth because of who his mom was. Did you know Ruth ended up being the great-grandmother of David, who is the lineage Of Jesus?
Rahab…when she helped the two spies sent by Joshua, no way could she have known that one day…one day she would be great-grandmother of the Savior of the world…or great-great grandma? But my point being, she was a well-known harlot who did the right thing that could have cost her life.

Bathsheba too, a great-grandmother of Jesus. I mean when you really dig into Jesus and His lineage… Tamara, Ruth, Rehab, BathSheba…Holy crap man, NONE of them were even Jewish!!!
Seriously, the family of Jesus beats even the cray of the crazy. The Hatfields and The McCoys. Just pondering on those facts alone how can I think that I’m not a part of something so much bigger than even I yet or may ever know?
I’ve lost everything. A few times, lol But just like Ruth, just like Rahab, just like every single riff~raff in the Bible I WILL keep going. Is it wrong to say or think “it may always be an up hill battle?” Perhaps to some. But when I look at the life of Jesus and all who followed Him their rewards were after death. Not that I’m waiting to die or anything, haha I’m just living…trying to focus on moving forward with one foot in front of the other looking for that favor, counting those blessings and anticipating that beautiful blessed hope that is to come.
It sucks to struggle. I will never understand why some do and some don’t but what I do know is that whatever cup I am given in this life keeps me at His feet…I will drink it.
Jesus is all I need.
If there is anything my children take away from me, it’s truly that.
Nothing but Jesus.
Starting over at 40? Big deal man. There is no real relevance in material things. No matter how nice they may be to have. The real relevance is in your life. How you lived it, how much you loved those around you, how you treated them and complete strangers and who you walked with 😉 Today is the oldest and youngest you will ever be, and tomorrow isn’t promised to no one. So live, laugh and walk with Him who matters most even if it means you may have to lose everything to keep you right there.

Selah….,
*Gesuschic