September 29, 2012

“This Is What Really Happened.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Divorce
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It’s sad when people would rather ease their conscious by saying you should have known something instead of admitting they were just never honest…
Then surrounding themselves with those who have no clue and removing all the ones who do.

I’ve decided, it doesn’t matter, not really.
People will always ask and shake their head but it’s pointless to talk about. I know the truth. And just because I’m not shouting it from a roof top doesn’t mean that it’s not true. Because what one reaps, one will truly sow.
And that goes for those who twist the story for the sheer benefit of feeling blameless and running from their own fuckin’ guilt.

And That’s The Way It Ended….

 

 

September 13, 2012

“Perspective.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life
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When you take a moment to sit down and reflect on your life and compare to where you are to where you were, it’s odd how many different perspectives people can have.
Even if they’ve walked the same path.
The journey of life can be so different to so many people even if the last few chapters were shared together.
I can’t speak for anyone but myself. However, it can be incredibly heartbreaking to find even after walking through hell and making it out to the other side the person you walked along side has decided it just wasn’t enough.
My view of life is through stained glass windows and it’s not because I block out the horrors of my life, it’s because I choose to find the amazing beauty in whatever moment comes my way. My brother would say to me “we were poor, but mom and dad never let us know it.” lol I suppose that’s why I am the way I am. Adding the amount of loss I’ve endured I can’t be any other way.
It’s not that my reality isn’t up to par to cold hard truth, it’s just that I CHOOSE to live a life embracing the blessings I’ve had and have. Life is completely unpredictable man. It’s there, right there. Sadly you can’t always choose the path life decides to grant to you, but you can definitely choose on how you walk it. Some people choose to constantly work at being “better.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However in doing that some people can lose sense of the truly amazing moments. You get so caught up in striving for what you could have instead of enjoying and basking in the blessings of what you already do.
My life, looking back had it’s dark, dreary moments but my God…the simplistic moments. The ones that I truly cherish, I cling to them. I want them for my children.
Laughter all through the night with a friend talking about bands, boys, dreams…Waking up on Sunday mornings to my mom in the kitchen preparing that afternoons lunch humming and singing old hymns, going swimming in the old water hole every Saturday afternoon with my brothers, weekend bonfires, concerts at the King’s Place freezing my butt off waiting to get inside, lol The birth of my children, falling in love for the first time, getting my license, my first car, my first kiss…These moments keep me grounded.
I can ponder on the bad.
I was raped at a very young age.
Tortured by bully’s in high school.
Had someone tell me they no longer were in love with me when I still loved them so fuckin’ much with all I had….
My heart has been broken.
My emotions truly beat down and left with no hope.
Those moments made me strong. Without them I would have never of learned how to be a survivor. But without the moments in my life that kept me and to this day still keep me grounded, rooted to be exact…I would have never of learned that I was so much more than the passing moment of a heartbreak.
I too refuse to live my life a certain way that would cause me to forget where I came from. I won’t worry about tomorrow. No man is promised it! And today, TODAY I choose to just live in the simplicity of MY path. I will walk this life and I will have joy as my company, laughter as my support and the pure genuine love of friends, family, strangers to help guide me through each and every turn.
I can’t stop heartache.
Of course the roadblocks will be there but they are moments to remind me of the strong person my parents taught me to be and help me realize that their lessons weren’t in vain, But now my reality of what I myself, also believe.
The heartache, sadness, pain will all eventually pass. You will move on, I…will…move…on…one foot right in front of the other. However, the joy of just being who you are, RIGHT where you are, those moments will keep you moving.
No one can say for certainty on what another may or may not “see coming” toward them because in all fairness people see life through different views, different windows, lol And right now mine are all open! Life is totally different than what I expected it to be today but hey…It may be raining but the wind is softly blowing and smell of fresh rain is comforting.

Abide~
Cheryl

 

August 13, 2012

“The Season is About To Change.”

Posted by Gesuschic under Meet Tom And Wanda
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Is it really the middle of fucking August 2012 already??? How insane is that? The time flies by so fast it’s almost as if I’m spinning in a circle.
Last Tuesday I was filling out my oldest daughter’s diploma information card for her graduation. I had so many tears just overcome my eyes I almost couldn’t see to write. I can’t deny I’m a sappy bitch when it comes to anything involving a fringe of emotion but I did not expect it to hit me so hard.
“Wow. Is Ren really in the 12th grade?”
My thoughts immediately went right to my parents. (May they R.I.P<3 ) Maybe that’s why I began to cry I don’t really know, but I kept wondering “what would they be saying right now?” I miss the absolute fuck out of them. Once in awhile I fool myself in thinking their deaths get easier but it’s just me lying to myself. I would almost say it gets more rough as I get older. Especially when I see people at the ages they would have been right now, thriving in life. I get pissed off.
Thinking somehow God totally cheated them.
My kids,
me…
My dad wasn’t even 60 for shit’s sake.
Not to mention my mom was barley done burying her fourth child and her husband when all of a sudden her Alzheimer’s disease went into overdrive and stole her sweet spirit and mind into oblivion never to fuckin’ return again. It’s all bullshit. One of life’s cruel relentless moments and facts.
Death.
I do see the fact me missing them and cursing the day at each of their death’s, is a tad bit selfish on my part. My anger is not justified. However I can’t help it.
My Ezra will be turning 11 this year and he doesn’t even remember my dad anymore. My Hanja is the same, but not only does she not remember my dad she’s starting to forget my mom.
My two oldest has the strongest memories of my parents. Charlie and Serenity…We have no other family but ourselves and I get sad thinking one day they may not even have me. My brothers are gone, my Sister. My heart completely breaks at that thought.
It’s getting close to that time where the season is about to change. Soon Summer of swimming, sweating our asses off from the ungodly heat will begin to fade and Fall and football will be in our path.
Along with the dreams of my family which seem to lurk with every change of weather, into my sub conscious mind and seem to burst out with a cruel “hello” as I sleep.
Recently I’ve had issues with work, fake friends, marital problems, and just plain loneliness which make their memories and reality of them not being a phone call away that much more unbearable for me. I try to breathe through every thought of my brother’s Randy and Kenneth’s laughter, close my eyes at my dad’s “I love you peanut” and my sister’s phone call of exiting new adventure she wanted to tell me about with a “CHERYL, OMG!” The worst though…Always the worst….My mom. Everything about her. Her complete honesty in anything and everything.
Openness to accepting anyone,
Unbound love of her children, Grandchildren,
ability to laugh in the best of times and even the worst of them.
Her hugs were magic in any problem that I had was made invisible just by her genuine touch of being a loving mom… This has been a VERY rough week man. There are so many things I would love to just talk to her about. Tell her, cry on her shoulder and have her hug them all away for me.
Fucking bullshit life…
She taught me to see the good in everyone but it seems to be getting harder and harder for me to do that and I feel like I can’t keep doing it without her encouraging me.
The first of the changing seasons dreams came last Friday. I had a fucked up meeting with my boss, fought with my husband, it was just a shitty day all together. I was going on 48hrs with no sleep and when I finally dozed off at 10:30pm I found myself standing in Cub foods grocery dept. (A store kind of like a smaller version of Wal Mart from back in the day). I was leaning over the frozen food with a package of chicken in my hand when my brother Randy comes swinging around the aisle with a cart full of food singing my childhood nickname…”T…o…m…m…i…e…G…i…r….l….{LAUGHS}” he said it again when I see my dad next to me holding his ever so loved chocolate donuts in the white and blue packages, just smiling when all of a sudden he said: “Peanut?” I felt my mom behind me as her arms reached around me with the biggest hug and she laughed and said: “What’s wrong baby?” I dropped the chicken and with my right hand I reached over and ran my fingers through her hair and said “Mom…and started to cry. My dad said “Wanda, it’s because we’re dead. she’s sad and lonely.” My brother Randy: “Sad? Tommie-Girl, we love you.” and he was gone…My dad…gone…I said one more time: “Mom…please…” She faded away and just like that, they were all three gone and I woke up to my fucking alarm going off telling me it was time to go to miserable work. Sometimes the dreams are welcoming.
Comforting to my spirit but man, sometimes they are so real I wake up forgetting they are actually dead. It’s as if I lose them all over again.
Serenity will be graduating this year and they won’t be there to see her walk across the stage. It was as if her very first day of pre school was yesterday and my mom and me were on pins and needles all afternoon.
It’ll be a tough Fall season man.
I wish they could still be here.

Selah~
CHERyL

 

July 6, 2012

You never think…

Posted by Gesuschic under My Random Opinion
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You never think at 40 years old you would still be fighting the same issues you had as an adolescent. However, sometimes those things follow you all through life. There are a few select people who can overcome that. Whether they learn to shrug it off, ignore it or earn an A+ in the big “fuck you” department is beyond me. I just haven’t mastered any of those skills. Not when it comes being okay with others who need to pick at your insecurity’s. My mom used to tell me when I was young “Never offer ANYONE information. They will use it against you.” How very true…and sad. You get to know people enough to where a certain amount of trust is developing, you think it’s okay to share the deepest things on your heart, mind, soul…But it’s not. It’s NEVER okay to offer information. I, myself am an open book. I pride myself on being that way because I think it’s important for others to know where you stand, who you are, what actually makes you REAL. I like that. People SHOULD know those things. the 21st Century is completely filled with those who don’t know who they are yet, never tried knowing who they are, ect…You just need to be careful. In that journey of “looking for yourself” the times have changed. You just can’t be as honest as you could back in the day…Where people truly respected your traveling paths ya know? I know, I know…it’s a hard pill to swallow. But after so many things you have been through no matter how old, young, whatever there are STILL those people who see you “as you were” instead of just loving you right where you are. Don’t get me wrong though, there is never anything wrong with growth. In your life, spirituality, souk searching…never anything wrong with that. BUT, there is something wrong with people trying to tear down your visions, who you now are, where you’ve come…the growth you’ve already encountered. Taking correction in your journey is an amazing, humble, honorable thing…But taking unjustified criticism is bullshit. Don’t let those who can’t come to grips of ever looking to see where they should be, make you feel bad for knowing you are right where you need to be. A lot of problems I’ve had with others, when I change the perspective of the situation, is really THEIR problem, not mine at all. We should constantly be moving forward but never halted in looking, seeking and finding the things that make us who we are. Don’t let anyone do that to you, ever. Keep things on the surface and never “offer information to just anyone. Let the earn your openness. If someone wants to know the real you by having a look into your soul…Let them show you they really want to see what’s there. For their own journey, their own path…Not just to criticize what’s made yours…That’s bitterness, envy, cruel. That’s not friendship. It’s not. You can feel in your heart what comes from love and what comes from a power trip. Go with your guy. Correction comes from love, criticism comes from bullshit. Learn the difference and embrace being you. 

  SELAH~
CHERyL

 

May 29, 2012

“Failing In Originality.”

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“It is better to fail in originality, than to succeed in imitation.” ~HERMAN MELVILLE~ I love that quote. I speak it to myself almost every day here of late. Even at 40 years old I feel like there are people who still believe they know best for YOUR life than you do. When you decide to follow your own path, they tend to be catty and somewhat removed. It’s ridiculous. My whole life I’ve tried nothing but to get where I want to be balancing being myself and who people thought I should be. However, another quote comes to mind. “He who trims himself to suit others, will sooner or later whittle himself away.” I’m all for being respectful of others who have been there for you, in general, spiritual, ect but to make yourself go crazy thinking you HAVE to be a certain way to get another’s respect and admiration is complete bullshit. I battle this all of the time. I was recently told “maybe not everyone was supposed to be born into greatness. Maybe there are those just born to be average.” Out of all the things I’ve thought about myself through the years and by other people average was NEVER one of them 😉 My view on this subject is this; The world has ONE Jesus Christ. However, the Bible was FULL of Daniels, Priscilla, Paul’s, Jonahs…Joshuas…I could go on and on but I think you see my point. There is not ONE SINGLE PERSON who does NOT have the potential of being any one of those people. EVERYBODY has a purpose. If they didn’t, the bible and good Lord would be a complete and total lie. The sad thing is it always seems to be these over authoritative know it all’s who THINK they know best and over look the most SHADIEST, HEARTLESS people to be in these positions in life where you have to step back and say “WTF?” The problem is those of us who SHOULD be certain places in life are too humble to say anything. It’s a double-edged sword really. If you do take a stand, you’re being rebellious or out of line, if you don’t, you’re just a door mat on the shit stain of life.(Thank you Marshall Mathers 😉 )  It’s hard to find that balance I think. One minute I’m a raging lunatic, the next I’m a strong woman, yet in another breath I’m 14 years old again…Where does it stop?  There just needs to be…more of WHO I am. The only person I have to answer to is the Lord God of Israel yet there are more people focusing on the things I SHOULDN’T be doing (according to them) instead of encouraging me on the things I AM doing. It’s as if there is NEVER enough you can do. It’s a bit redundant. I need to stop worrying about impressing people and trying to earn their respect over and over and over again because let’s face it…no matter what you do, there are just certain people you will NEVER impress. You can be bleeding sweat from your brow as your good intentions are falling to the wayside of life and they WILL find that ONE thing they feel isn’t up to THEIR standard and pick at it until you just die…lol It’s so exhausting man…I hope that anyone reading this just keep their chin up, follow your spiritual gut and seek the Lord ONLY,  if the path you are walking down is THE one for you. God is ALWAYS faithful, it’s His people who are fickle, shady and shallow…

Selah~
Cheryl

 

April 30, 2012

“God Smacked Me In The Face With A Brick.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Crazy Faith
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I know that whenever Pastor Bryn begins to speak God is about to smack me in the face with a brick.
True story 🙂
Spiritually speaking of course.
All she said was “God can reach us in those dark…hopeless…places…”
Sitting at work today in my head my words to God; “I just feel as though I’m in a well. Not of wishes but just a dark hopeless well with no light in sight.”
I swear Pastor Bryn is right THERE in my head, Saturday after Saturday, facebook status after facebook status. God be with me if she ever decides to get on Twitter! (hahaha) Just kidding!
Every week I walk into church and I lay before the Father all that I am…My dreams, goals…the family I grieve for and the wrongs that I’ve done to people and what they have done to me…I pray He keeps me humble, watch over me with mercy and love me with grace. Yet at approximately 7:45pm I leave with the SAME crap that my flesh has been having a tug of war battle with in the spirit for a VERY long time.
Some things you hold onto out of fear of failing, fear of God not listening, or both.
With me it’s not just those things but my stronghold is more of a “comfort food” if you will. I’m my own worst enemy.
The biggest hypocrite of them all.
 Raging from the roof tops to anyone who will listen how JESUS can set ANYONE free, there is POWER in the blood yet as a child not wanting to put back the toy he’s be carrying around the store, I stand before Him holding it behind my back.
“TAKE MY LIFE LORD…IT’S YOURS! DO WITH IT AS YOU WILL…I COMPLETELY TRUST YOU IN EVERYTHING…except for this ONE thing…”
I have some nerve.
How can I profess FREEDOM in Christ when I myself stand stagnant in sin and complacency?
I’m totally ashamed of myself.
As well as I should be.
The children of Israel wondered around the desert for FORTY YEARS what should have been a 12 hour trip. I wonder myself…
But I’m too hungry to be walking for another decade waiting for things I could already be SEEING if I just COMPLETELY SURRENDER. 
I CRAVE the presence of the Father. It sounds totally gross, but I want Him to mark His territory as a dog would, on my ENTIRE BEING. Without a word spoken I want people to KNOW who I AM is by the smell from my spirit as I walk into a room.
Like those who I’ve read about in my Bible, those who have spiritually mentored me in my life and those who walk among me now.
Being stagnant by the very baggage He sacrificed His Son for, so I wouldn’t even have to carry it in the first place is ridiculous. 
This is it for me…
I’m letting it go and moving forward with my eyes WIDE shut and my SPIRIT completely OPEN…

Watch Out For The Bricks,
In Him,
The Whore At His Feet…

 

April 30, 2012

“I’m Sure It Wasn’t Easy.”

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WRITTEN: February 2012

 When Jesus ascended in Heaven I’m sure the Disciples were a tad bewildered in wondering what was about to happen to all of them. Staying together as family, splitting apart, moving on, ect I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them. With all my years in Ministry there is one thing that is always a certainty and definite, and that is change.
It really sucks.
When you are a Christian you already have the world working against ya let’s face it. However sometimes to soften that blow God gives you a Timothy, a Priscilla, Luke, Peter, ect and you not only become a spiritual family you become a blessed servant for having people by your side within Ministry.
If I said right now at this moment I wasn’t angry I’d be flat out lying to you. I am not only angry I’m confused asking God what the hell just happened? lol
But in NO WAY am I walking out of this building today completely oblivious to the blessing God has bestowed in my life the past 6 years.
To work within Ministry is and honor, to actually get paid and make a living is a miracle! (Ha~Ha)
My heart is completely broken as I leave here today.
These women are my sisters.
This is what i was CALLED to do.
My purpose…the plan God had for me.
Although I will no longer get a paycheck for it, I will STILL continue doing what My Father pressed upon my heart to do.
I LOVE the Pro~Life Ministry. My heart is here, my desire is to minister in love with complete compassion to these women who have been totally desperate and broken from a past abortion or an unplanned pregnancy.
My desire is to give them a hope they never thought possible of being able to heal from an irreversible choice.
My desire is to show them they have other options.
I don’t need a paycheck to validate the calling God has placed within my life…It still sucks. I love this job. The people I worked with…We were in every way a family.
Praying together, hanging out together, studying the Word together…ect…
It’s a change of season.
One day at a time…
So even though I want to stomp my feet and go out kicking and screaming…I won’t.
I’ll Log out,
say my good-bye’s,
get into my car and just breathe…
because no matter what…I KNOW God has my back. He brought me this far, He won’t forget me now 🙂 I can’t explain or understand the circumstances of why my time here is done today, but I can have trust in the fact my calling within this movement is NOT.
It’s perfect that my very last phone call needed for me to share my testimony with the young lady. Her situation was similar to mine 18 years ago…My own choice in facing an unplanned pregnancy, my story.
As if God was saying…”This isn’t over by a long shot Cheryl, we have work to do.”
And to that I say: “Here am I, let’s do this!” 

All the time God is good…And God is good…All the time.
I will not be overwhelmed by this mountain of change that has been laid before me. Even Moses had to walk his mountain alone leaving Aaron and Joshua behind…I’ll be okay. This is okay…

SELAH~

CHERyL~

 

April 30, 2012

“Dry Bones, Dead Dreams.”

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WRITTEN: January 2012

Church was so beautiful Sunday. It’s funny, I would never have thought Matt Rice would one day be my Pastor when I was wind millin’ my hair front and center watching his band rock out at the Al Rosa 20 some years ago. But that’s why God is so cool and awesome. The things you could never imagine, He…can bring to life. When you’re a Christian actually walking in the presence of the Holy Spirit life is always moving forward with each step a leap out of the boat and onto the water, yet your whole mind set is within a complete peace. I haven’t felt that in a VERY long time. Circumstance, anger and bitterness creeps at every corner, every doorway lurking, waiting for a way in and sadly sometimes it finds itself nestled in your spirit and it happens. 
You begin to die. 
Spiritually, just…dying. 
Crazy how you don’t even realize it happens. Bitterness for a Believer is like Cancer. If not treated you just begin to completely shut down. 
Before you know it you are too weak to eat, function…and eventually just die. For a long time I could tell it was happening but by the point I did I really didn’t care. As Pastor Matt said: “your dreams have died.” Sooo true man…Before, I was so excited thinking how God was going to move next and now…eh…I remember when…
I totally hate that feeling. 
When I’m not close to God I am totally miserable. Anyone who knows me can see it all over my face. It’s hard when you allow that bitterness to take over how you also become estranged from allowing yourself to be …GULP…vulnerable. (GASP!) But I do miss it though. I miss having confidence in the fact that no matter WHAT life has for me GOD will be my security. In loss…happiness…grief…everyday living. These past two weeks have been such an eye opener for me. It is SO crucial to CLING to Jesus. In EVERY situation of my life. 
Good times, bad times…ALWAYS CLING TO JESUS because man, life can change and in an INSTANT your whole entire world can be thrown into a loop. I hated having that happen while being out of the will of the Father. Reason being was because it was no longer a concern about GOD’S WILL yet MY OWN. I have JOY in the fact God is God, and I’m NOT Him 🙂 Everything Pastor Matt talked about Sunday was totally for me. I just knew it too. I knew God was waiting for me…My spiritual bones have been dead and stagnant for so long I was almost too embarrassed to even go to church last Sunday. Yet at the same time I couldn’t lay there dying forfeiting my destiny. Pastor Matt talked about so many important factors on The Gate Church Sunday but the thing I walked away with was the fact I STILL serve a God of do~over’s, A just God who is all for restoration and grace. There is no doubt in my mind that I serve a SOVEREIGN Holy God who isn’t waiting for me to fail, yet encouraging me to get back up and get moving again. 
Have I fallen before?
Shit man, who hasn’t? But guess what? “DO OVER!!!” And there is Jesus, in the MIDDLE of my storm, my RAGING sea waiting for me to step up out of the boat and focus my eyes on Him.
I feel refreshed. Blessed He has brought me this far despite myself. 
What is your sea? 
What is raging against you?
Finances, love, employment, it can be anything, whatever it is…Screw it man! You CAN’T make it through without God. Without focusing in on Jesus. It’s scary starting over man…But dude that is GRACE. 
Children have to learn to crawl before they can walk. I’m starting over in my relationship with Jesus and trust me for the past 6 years I have been crawling my way toward Him but Sunday…I took a step. Monday another, Tuesday…Wednesday…Every single day I feel stronger and stronger and it won’t ever be like it was before. But that’s okay. This is NEW wine. the open invitation Jesus laid before me has been accepted and my glass has been REFRESHED. 
Today is here, I can’t change the past by any means but I can raise my glass, link arms with Christ as we toast to my dead bones brought to life and my dreams becoming alive again. He is faithful…so faithful…Praise the Lord  for real men of God and their obedience to the calling in their lives! there are NO coincidences people! There is reason for everything. You NEVER know what God is doing so just “go with it” have confidence He is in control and the faith to believe He knows what He’s doing 😉 


SELAH, \o/
CHERyL

 

April 30, 2012

“New Years Resolution.”

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WRITTEN: January 2012

I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012 and how this is the year my husband and I are going to apply things to our lives that will improve the lives of our children, our marriage, our walks with God and anything else we think of along the way 🙂 
The past can be very hard for me to remember although I think of it more than I should. So many things I miss and long for that can never be again. Certain places, things, and MANY people who I feel made me who I am today. Of course my parents…friends…seasonal friends and even my bully’s. From High School to my adulthood, hahaha
Sometimes my worst enemy is Nostalgia. 
My mind finds it’s way into the back of my memory lane and nostalgia gets the best of me.
I argue with myself on weather or not to find certain people, not to make “amends” per say but I think to see if their hearts have changed, as mine has. If they’re different people with a different outlook. 
My husband says to me all the time: “Don’t do it Cheryl, you’re going to get hurt all over again.” I know deep down he’s right. I find it easy to take blame, apologize even…But as I get older I feel myself changing to otherwise. 
I want closure I suppose. 
Until now I thought that meant something completely different than what it actually is.
You don’t always need closure FROM that person or persons, sometimes you simply need closure FROM them. You see what I mean there? One sentence, but TWO meanings. People don’t always change. For the best or worst. You can’t control where someone from your past may be at today. However you can control where YOU are at today. 
I never make New Years Resolutions. Half way through the very first month of the year I’ve already forgotten that I even made one let alone remember what it was!
BUT…
With the goals and plans my husband and I have for 2012 I thought it only appropriate to make one this year:) 
I’ve decided to give resolution to the entire negative  parts of my past. The ones that I created and the ones others created for me 😉 Not amends necessarily but defiantly resolution (the act of resolving). 
I’m not saying who was to blame nor now do I even really care. I don’t care to even hear your side nor do they want to hear mine I’m sure. So therefore I need to just leave it. I don’t know where some of you may leave it but for me it’s at the cross. Right where Jesus left my blame for my sins and everyone else…
From now on everything that left such a negative outlook in my mind it stuck with me as if it had just happened…is DONE. The situation has been resolved. Thus me going forward to the start of not only MY year but the year of Angel and the kids. 
I am going to be who I am. 
I am joyful.
I am laughter.
I am forgiving.
I am forgiven.
I am well within my soul. 


Selah~
CHERyL

 

April 30, 2012

“Fall Good~Bye’s.”

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WRITTEN: November 13th 2011

I just feel so sad… I can’t help but to be so overwhelmed by grief. I know, I know, I write/blog/tweet about it all the time but around these months it’s that much worse for me. Last night was yet another reason this time of year sucks. Our friends, our neighbors left for South Carolina. My poor sweet boy, Charlie is just heartbroken. It took awhile to adjust after moving here. It seemed like a few years there our lives were so shaky. When we finally got moved in, settled and the kids started yet ANOTHER school Charlie had the rockiest of starts. He didn’t have many friends and just leaving our church he was picked on ect…It was rough for awhile there. But then he met Cameron. For the first time in a VERY long time Charlie had a best friend. A “brother from another mother.” Cameron’s family was Charlies family too. He loved them that much. Even Ryan, Cam’s dad who seemed so intimidating to Charlie, he loved him too. Cam’s l’il sister and brother were an added joy to Charlies life. He adored his sister…to the point he would always say: “Mom, when I grow up and get married I hope I have a Rilynne.” lol 
When he called from Youth Group last night I could tell there was something wrong. He wasn’t my normal Charlie. 
He was really sad.
“Mom, please come and get me…I don’t want to cry in front of everyone.” As a mom you want to do everything you can to protect your child from all of life’s unfair reality’s. One of them being…When a dear friend moves away. 
It’s one thing to lose them across town, church splits, ect but another State? 
When he got into the car he just lost it. My heart was in my throat as I struggled to not cry myself. I felt so bad for him and I still do. My sweet boy.
All day today he just wasn’t himself, very quiet and sad. I went on a walk with him and he said “Mom, usually at this time I’d be asking if I can run down to Cam’s…” as he put his head to the ground…sigh…
I KNOW we’ll be visiting Cameron and his family because they are amazing people and my son adores every single one of them, but for now he hurts. 
Any kind of a lose you have in death, a move, grown apart ect is really hard. Change like that is so sad and difficult. I’ve never been one to adapt well to change and sadly my children have had to learn how over and over for the past 5 yrs while their dad and I get our shit together.
It sucks man.
I feel as though I’ve failed as a mom in protecting my kids from the smallest to the biggest of heartbreaks and failures. 
I wish I could take all of Charlies pain so he wouldn’t ever have to feel lose of any kind ever again. 
Serenity too!
They both have lost friends…too many friends. 
95% of the time was all my fault. 
I just hope Cameron and his mom, Loria know how LOVED and missed they will be EVERYDAY. I swear to God if I had the money I would have packed up house and been right behind them on the freeway to that new start at the Ocean 😉 we’re about to move again…and Charlie will again start another school but there is no doubt in my mind he will never EVER meet anyone as genuine and true as Cameron Fuller. 
If you and your mom happen to ever read this please know I can never say enough THANK YOU’S for being Charlies friend when he had none. And being his family when he needed more…I LOVE you and adore you. 

ALWAYS,
CHERyL~

 

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