Gesuschic

May 7, 2013

“Out Of The Crevice It Creeps…”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life | Tags: Confidence, Expectations, Insecurities |
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I have this constant feeling that hides away in the crevice of my soul and whenever I feel intimidated or nervous about a situation, it creeps it’s way right into the forefront of my mind and it sits there like a big fat Buddha. Since the divorce being final I’ve been slowly but surly finding my way back to the Cheryl I was before everything went south. My biggest thing having trouble edging it’s way back into my sassy character is my self confidence.
I never had issue with being confident before.
It came easy for me, very natural. My father was a Marine you see…and my mom…well, she had a very hard life. Both of them learned at very young ages that being confident in yourself will get you anywhere you need to go. It would also give you the strength to move past the ones who didn’t care, let you down, and under estimated you. And it’s that very last one that get’s me every single time. Just when I think I’ve got it, someone under estimates me. Whether it be at my job, church, friends or just every day life…I get this feeling from someone that I just don’t measure up to their standard, or their type of quality, and at that point out of the crevice it comes. My lack of self confidence. I get insecure in not being good enough to measure up to some lame losers self righteous standard of who I ought to be to get “cool points” enough to be “accepted.”
In all actuality if I were confident enough, their opinion would be…appreciated…however, not needed for my approval of who I am.
My confidence at one point was my BEST character trait…
This is something if not born with, you need to work damn hard to achieve. It’s just like losing weight. It’s so freakin’ hard to lose it and keep it off. Both are equally difficult. Confidence is the same way, once you have it, it’s hard to keep it. Ya see what I mean?
You can’t allow yourself to be overly confident because then it slides right into arrogance and to me, that’s disgusting. It can make even the most beautiful, very ugly. There needs to be a balance. One that people can see. If you find it, people will be drawn to you. I’m at a loss…I can’t seem to grasp what I once had. Everytime I think I have, something happens. Something is said, done, or a thought enters in my head and I lose it. I “fumble the ball” sort a speak. I hate that feeling of needing to measure up to people’s expectations. If I had that certainty in myself, I would understand that their expectations are merely flaws they once seen in themselves, and don’t want to be reminded of through your lack of confidence. To me it’s simple logic man…but grabbing a hold of something and keeping it are two VERY different things.
This is my struggle.
My stronghold of the day.
A friend prayed over me at Church the other night, and while she was praying she spoke a few words directly to me. They all struck me deeply but one truly face palmed me right in that crevice I was referring to earlier.
“Cheryl, you need to walk in that identity that The Father created you to have and not that, of the hard road you’ve been given.”
Are you even serious?
The very thoughts I keep to myself God has a way to reveal them regardless if I want to “deal” or not. Because even though I FEEL as though I’m NOT ready to face that stronghold, God knows me better than I know me, and He says when.
So here I am today, tonight…right now.
Subject~ Confidence.
Issue~ Lacking It.
Action~ Dealing with it.
Goal~ Have it RESTORED.

Selah~
Cheryl

April 9, 2013

“After The Divorce..”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Divorce | Tags: Divorce, heartbreak, lonely, Love, Name, starting over |
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The weirdest thing about getting a Divorce is the fact you’re no longer a wife. For me, that was the weirdest thing. Walking into the courthouse as Mrs. Morales and one hour later I’m leaving as Cheryl Ingram. I could not have been more proud 🙂 My dad was an amazing man, my Grandfather…even greater…I LOVE having their name back. I wasn’t sure how I would feel that day. At this point, I still haven’t done the “cry” everyone said would come. All the memories people said would fill my head, haven’t. I’ve just been moving forward, every day, one foot in front of the other. To be honest, I haven’t even thought about my future without Angel.
Crazy huh?
16yrs ago I couldn’t of imagined my life without him.
But now…here I am.
And I’m just fine 🙂
We made small talk in the court room. I can’t stand feeling awkward (and I don’t want to hate him although that is a daily struggle for me) so I had to talk. The kids…his girlfriend, his job…We were the first case called and some guy walked up with us completely clueless to the fact he obviously didn’t listen to directions, lol Standing there listening to the Judge
“You want your marriage dissolved?”
“Yes…”
“Wife wants her maiden named returned to her?”
“Yes…”
“You both are in agreement to end things today as in your decree?”
“Yes…”
Eight months ago all my answers would have been a resounding “NO.” But I’m so tired, so worn out…I feel ashamed to say it but I didn’t even want to try and pray my husband back home. No doubt it could have happened but why? It would have been an ongoing cycle of proving myself worthy to someone who could care less. I’m better than that. If he could no longer see how kick ass amazing I am then I’ll end this cycle and move on.
My main focus is myself, my kids…I need to find who I was before he started making me feel like shit to the point I wanted to just…ugh…
There I stood. Even though the Judges questions were being answered by what she was saying what I HEARD was:
“Cheryl…Do you want your self worth back?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to be free from all this heartbreak?”
“Yes…”
“Do you want your confidence back? Your dignity?”
“Yes…Yes…Yes…”
“All of it is granted, along with your name…your identity of who you once were, who you are and who you have yet to become…”
I left that courthouse remembering that I’m a strong woman, a GOOD woman and NEVER again will I allow someone to make me second guess those things. I don’t wish him any ill will, although I need to remind myself of that everyday too 😉 I wouldn’t say I’m heartbroken my marriage is finally over but I am disappointed that he couldn’t rise above the enemy raging into his life to steal, kill and destroy. I’m disappointed that he couldn’t hold on to that man I married 15 1/2 yrs ago and cry out for restoration but instead walked away so easy from a life that wanted him, needed him, adored him… But refuses to wait for him. I have to leave all of the memories of hurt at the altar and just walk away myself. My reasons are very different from his but still…The only time I broke down and cried was when I found out he and the new girlfriend has a dog, LOL! For years I wanted one so badly but like a child I was told “no…” I actually pulled my car over and cried. Hahaha It lasted all of 30 seconds before I realized “Hey…I can now have one…I can have ANYTHING I WANT.” And just like that it was forgotten, lol I feel a little weird though, as I said…Not being his wife anymore is so strange. But in all reality I haven’t felt like his wife in a very long time. Tomorrow is my 41st birthday and I never thought I’d be where I am but ya know? It’s okay. I’m okay…My whole entire life is ahead of me and for the first time in YEARS I feel genuinely GOOD about myself. In losing him God showed me I gained my whole entire life back. I slept beside him for a very long time feeling as though I was the loneliest person in the world. But now…it’s been nine months and every night I go to bed alone without ever feeling lonely.

SELAH~
Miss Ingram

March 24, 2013

“A Move Of God…”

Posted by Gesuschic under Faith | Tags: Anointing, Holy Ghost, Jesus |
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I have these moments where I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit and there are days where I know He is walking beside me because I can sense His Spirit all around But there is something so precious and so…crazy gentle about an actual “move of God” that nobody would ever be able to explain. In an odd way, for me, it’s like childbirth. You can hear a thousand different women explain their story and every single one is different.
Ironic huh?
Whenever you encounter a move of the Holy Ghost there is a re-birthing if you will of your faith, your purpose…your whole mindset of why you ever believed in the first place. Sometimes it can be the most beautiful experience ever in your life, then there are times where you are being lead by mercy to purge the very things you cling to as a safety precaution from getting hurt, and it can be painful. The Holy Spirit is such a complete gentleman though, He moves in a way that each breath you take is letting go of whatever it is you need to let go of so He can begin to enter in… “one…two…two…two…ready?…Okay…three….four…it’s okay, I’ve got time” He whispers.
Pastor Matt spoke about Altars tonight, very brief but it was insane because right where I stood I made my own altar in my mind. I think actual “moves of God” are few and far between because there are so many factors that need to be in place. Everyone there, everyone needs to be in one accord. The same frame of mind, having the same goal.
Everyone must be in the same spiritual frame of mind where their soul, body and spirit meet. And that is why they’re rare.
Your soul needs to be completely vulnerable to the Holy Spirit.
Your body needs to be in complete stand still with your heart preparing itself for what is about to happen.
And your spirit 100% seeking.
Right then, in that exact moment…all three things come into an agreement that whatever God is about to do, it’s okay, it’s okay…you’re ready. Right then the sweetest, most gentle anointing begins to fall. And there is no question that everyone in that room is feeling exactly the same way as you’re feeling. It’s strong enough to make a grown man weep yet gentle enough a child can feel it.
Some are so overwhelmed they fall to their knees, others stand and sob, pass out, shake, cry, whisper, pace back and forth…everyone different but the feeling is the same.
It’s a presence so amazing the only way I can describe it, is as if Jesus Himself had just walked through the doors of the Church and was walking slowly down the aisle. You could almost smell a soft aroma of peace.
Insane I know, it sounds so insane…
I’m sure at some point in your Christian walk you’ve questioned why you even deserve Jesus’ grace, love and mercy but when God moves…His power, glory, authority, His righteousness just becomes so clear, those doubts of everything you feel are faded by the most loving being you’ll ever encounter…The Holy Spirit.
Pastor Matt is 100% correct, you cannot rush this. As a broken hearted people we feel leery of vulnerability. It can be frightening. So when there is a group of us together, and I mean truly together…God cannot be rushed by a mere time on a clock. One day is as a 1,000 to Him, and if He moved swiftly, any sudden move, I believe would quench what was about to happen. When God moves in your whole entire world…it will take time, and the Holy Spirit is such a gentleman, time is what He will give to get us to where He see’s us already.
Man…God is such an awesome God of Omnipotence. One of the most amazing attributes of His character that we take for granted.
I am BLOWN away.
Tonight, for me…a re-birthing of my faith, my purpose. ALL that I am, EVERYTHING I have…His.
From my hands I freely give to Him all of my hopes, my dreams, my shame, my brokenness, my anger, my children, my fears, my doubt, my complete surrender in exchange for Him to allow me to just embrace the intimacy of His precious Holy Spirit. That tangible touch I so desperately need.

Selah…
Cheryl

March 23, 2013

“What You Don’t Want To Hear About My Divorce…”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Divorce
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It would be wonderful to say that in every single situation your actions were that, of the picture perfect Christian. However, we live in a reality where the flesh is weak on a consistent basis and anger, frustration, vengeance, all get the best of us. At least me anyway.
I had a friend tell me today that I sound as if I’m completely done. Willing to agree to whatever just so I can move on. I have to admit, contrary to the rumors of ignorance and drama seeking people, Daniel was 100% correct.
Everything I gave to this marriage was of the best intentions because I truly loved my husband. I thought I knew his heart. Totally unbreakable we were…But I was wrong.
I was raised by people who believed when things get rough, to stand together and stick it out.
No matter what.
The concept is beautiful, but we tend to forget that as you’re trying to tread water to keep from sinking, you can’t hold on for both of you. Sometimes you have to understand that for your own safety and sanity of mind you need to allow it to end. If seeking God for peace in any given situation, He tells you to “let it go…” Then for God sakes, let…it…go…You’re not a failure although some will whisper that you are.
I was spent.
Tired..
Spiritually and emotionally exhausted from trying to have enough faith for two people. My mindset was off. I thought allowing him to treat me like I was dirt was the right thing to do, being obedient regardless of the fact I wanted to lay down and die.
I believe as Christians we feel as though if there are no bruises we haven’t been abused.
I feel like the enemy (as in the Devil, not my soon to be Ex) used the fact my parents were dead, my brothers dead, my sister, dead…to make me think I had no other choice. I allowed circumstances in my life over shadow the fact I was dying from a self-esteem being completely battered as if I was a crash test dummy.
BIG fault on my part.
Who I am as a woman, a friend, a mother…and anything else you can think of was just slammed to the floor as if my best would NEVER be good enough and my past mistakes of being a whore at the feet of Jesus would be constant reminders of no other man never wanting me.
My flaws made me expendable to everyone.
I bared the brunt of someone elses misery of what he actually thought of himself.
I have no answers for why I allowed it for so long. Perhaps the way I was raised, feeling desperate to prove to him I would never leave like everyone else in his life…All my intentions were genuine, but eventually I myself began to lose touch in who I used to be.
Alive.
Confident.
Beautiful.
Complete…
At first I thought “this is it. You go, you go,” but then I started feeling that same ‘ole same ‘ole of feeling guilty about calling myself a Christian yet giving up on my marriage and I offered him to come home…But just like that, God started moving something within the depths of my soul. Reminders of the woman I once was and secretly longed to be again. People who had no clue of what was going on saying things that confirmed for me to keep moving…keep walking…not to look back. I’m still walking through this. The difference now is I can see God’s hand in all of it. From the timing of things to certain people from my past reaching out and restoration in burnt bridges, I can go on and on. God’s favor is all over me and my babies. His precious mercy of love telling me to keep going, it’s almost over.
God is not a fan of divorce. But no way does he want you to lose yourself to the point where you want to just…die.
Losing yourself to the point where all you feel and see is defeat and thinking there is absolutely no way out. The Devil will lie, lie, lie so you feel as though the right thing is sticking it out.
I’m utterly disgusted at myself for all I allowed myself to go through.
I feel as though by doing that I’ve taught my boys a dreadful lesson in learned behavior and my girls a sick example in emotional abuse.
I was sitting in church, listening to Pastor Matt teach about taking back all the Devil has stolen in your life. Some may have taken his sermon and ran with praying your marriage back and for some of you reading, that may be truth for you. Me? Not so much. Spiritually and physically I was barely breathing. Seriously. It took every single ounce of my responsibility as a Mother to keep going.
Some have said to me (even as early as this past weekend) I am heartbroken, lost and bitter because my husband has left me and I can’t stand the fact he’s moved on, I’m jealous, tore up over him not loving me anymore. Which is why I’m writing this blog tonight.
The only brokenness I feel at this very moment, is that of the tears of my children.
This whole thing is unfair to them in more ways than ANY of you have a clue. Do not EVER question that fact about me. I REFUSE to not speak out and stick up for myself. Although I will do it only this one time. There is nothing, NOTHING, nothing that would ever make me want to go back to feeling helpless, lost, desperate, and lonely, to the fact that if it weren’t for my children, I would not be here typing this blog right now.
That is what I lost the second he walked out our front door.
I know some people reading this will get angry, be on the defensive, but with all due respect nobody but God truly knew what I was going through, not one single person. What you may see on the outside of a smiling face just may not always be the story they are living on the inside.
To those cruel, clueless people who have laughed at the expense of thinking I’m so “not over my ex husband” or feel as though it’s “so wonderful” to see him “happy” my opinion of you is something that is to shameful for a Christian to even speak out loud.
Am I bitter?
Nope.
The one emotion I have no desire for. Because finding myself again trumps that 70 fold…
You can talk all you want, whisper about your ridiculous assumptions of a situation you know jack shit about. But for me? The sky is the limit. Today is the first day of the rest of my life…and never again will I allow anyone to treat me the way he did. I lay in bed sometimes and I get so sick to my stomach thinking of things I went through for the sake of believing “love will conquer all.” I say to the Lord in private on many occasions how thankful I am that my mother was not alive to see how he treated me. She would have been devastated that the beautiful, confident, vibrant woman she raised became so emotionally broken. You can believe me or not, my soul was empty and my heart was numb to anything…but my children. They were the portal God used to keep me going. I felt like that person holding onto the cliff about to crumble in fear of letting go and reaching for safety. And look at me now 😉 Traces of who I used to be are slowly but surly finding their way back. It’s not easy starting over. Especially when you are constantly being disrespected by the ignorance of others (including the soon to be Ex) It’s not just me having to learn to walk again but also my children. A new world, new life…a new beginning…My eyes, my heart, my soul…all fixed upon the main Man in front of me. Cheering me on, showing me His favor, screaming for me to “C’mon girl!!!! Come right to me…look right at me…I got you, I got you.” My heart in the middle of emotional despair and physical longing to give up has been rescued, revived, and I am for the first time in a VERY, VERY long and lonely time am taking deep breaths, exhaling slowly and leaning into the brush of His grace against my face and feeling alive once again. And if that sounds like the words of a woman falling apart, there is probably no hope for you.
“Learning To Fall…”
Cheryl

February 24, 2013

“I’m Just A Broken Piece Of Clay…”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Divorce | Tags: effortless grace, spirituality |
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My kids have seen me cry so much that since the day my husband walked out on me I’ve refused to let them see me cry. It’s important I’m strong for them right now. However, walking into church every Saturday I get the urge to find a corner and lay in a fetal position for a few hours. I can honestly say that I’m not in love with my soon to be Ex husband. If I were I feel as though by now, the way everything went down that would have broken me in half.
No one but God will ever know all that happened in our marriage and no one ever will. I’m not one of these women who wants all she can get because she was hurt or bitter because he already has a new girlfriend, I just want to get our marriage legally over and move on. No action from a scorned soul will ever repair the damage that was done by the person who wronged you.
Not in a marriage, a friendship, work relationship…nothing.
The ONLY thing that will repair your broken soul is Jesus.
I cling to Him.
I must, if I don’t, I’ll fall apart. Not because I still hold out hope or because I’m still in love but just because of everything in my entire life seems to fade…everything that is, but my deep love for the only man whose love for me has been a complete consistency in grace.
I have realized within the past 10 years I have taken that for granted.
God’s amazing, beautiful, effortless grace. It brings tears to my eyes even still while I type this blog.
Sitting in Church tonight was almost unbearable for me. However, I believe I had a revelation. I’m queen of speaking before I think (hence the name of my blog site). But I’ve had all church service and a 40min ride home to think about it. My husband walking out on me was dreadful. And my heart will never understand why but in a way, all of the pain I’ve felt, humiliation in the new girl before we’re even divorced…I don’t think I’d want it any other way than it is right at this very moment.
In the midst of my pain, anger, confusion, and every other emotional wreck you wanna throw in there, I lay it before The Father…Every night, every morning, sometimes in the middle of the day at work, lol My walk with Christ has been completely numb for a VERY long time. This entire situation although heartbreaking has kept me clinging to the feet of my Savior.
I feel ashamed to admit it but it’s true.
I don’t need to be anywhere else nor to I want to be and if heartbreak keeps me there…then I will embrace it.
Since my parents died I’ve felt such an uncertainty in feeling safe…secure…However, my roots run deep thanks to my loving, God-fearing mom and dad, so being in the presence of a Holy God I feel nothing but…safe, secure, loved, hopeful. The brush of His Holy Spirit that fills my heart with mountains of complete peace is unexplainable.
I struggle with feeling accepted and wanted…I always have…since I was a child. I’ve felt out-of-place, a feeling as though I don’t belong. But when I am 100% vulnerable to God those feelings dissipate, they really do.
I don’t know what it is about Jesus…lol…but He makes me feel like no other 🙂 When I am clinging to His feet NOTHING can tear my soul apart.
Not a divorce,
not a lost loved one,
not losing a job, a home, a friend, a car…NOTHING. I have this amazing friend. I feel so close to him. He is probably the closest thing I have to a brother. When I first spoke with him about my husband leaving and wanting a divorce and all my boo hoo’s he said “Cheryl, I’ll pray for him…but I’ll pray for you too, because sometimes you need to focus not on the other person but on yourself. How God can use this situation in your life to change YOUR heart.” And that’s where I’m at today…seeking Christ and being totally open on Him changing my heart. I can’t sit and focus on what my husband is doing. I’ll go crazy, turn bitter and become someone I hate. I’m letting God deal with that. The important thing I’m seeking is me. God needs to change me and take up every single broken piece of my heart and soul and remold it to something even more beautiful than before.
He is the potter…I am just broken pieces of clay.
Ready, waiting, with nervous anticipation for what only The Father can give to me through this whole divorce…In the middle of all that I’m going through I know He’s right there with me. I can get mad at Him, annoyed at the situation but still, there it is for me…from my Sovereign God…redemption.

Selah,
Cheryl

February 20, 2013

“The Worst Confession During Divorce.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Divorce | Tags: mad at god |
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As a Christian, It’s probably the most shameful thing to admit to while going through a divorce.
As I begin to type the words I shake my head at myself.
Are we all ready?
I’m lightweight angry at God. GASP!? I know what you’re thinking. Mainly because I’ve already thought it myself. How can a woman who has seen the miracles and blessings of a sovereign God even have the audacity to be mad at Him?
Well, I am.
Trust me, it’s at the top of “Cheryl’s shameful secrets never to admit to” list.
But the whole point of this crazy blog about my divorce is to help others going through the same thing. Have we not all been mad at God before? Don’t lie to yourself either, because He already knows.
I go over my entire marriage at least a thousand times a week.
Where did everything go wrong?
I prayed, read books, did work shops…I even prayed over my husband while he was sleeping.
With all of the miracles God has given He couldn’t stretch one more with my marriage?
He’s God.
He can fix anything.
This sucks and it’s not just me being hurt, my children have been torn apart and we are just starting….
My mind begins to wonder if my divorce is just a consequence for all I have reaped.
I have to remember though as amazing a God I serve we still have free will. The shitty thing with that though is that sometimes your free will, the choices you make can have an effect on those around you. Including my own crap choices. Jesse Duplantis once said “The choices you made yesterday are what brought you to today.” That is some scary shit to think about.
I’m 40 but yet I’m still figuring out my relationship with God and why things happen the way they do.
Who determines what gets fixed and what doesn’t…? I’m ashamed to admit, I’m mad at God. I mean after all..He IS God. Who am I?
Is it even okay to be mad at Him?
I mean He knows my heart.
I lift my hands in complete surrender but I haven’t. Not fully…I can’t even cry. I have no desire to pray for my soon to be ex, I struggle with not hating him yet I call myself a Christian woman and my thoughts are far beyond Holy and Godly.
I’m a hypocrite.
A Soldier hating the war he’s fighting in. Are those even normal feelings to have?
Prayer is the very essence of Christianity. It’s what we do as a people to communicate with The Father, let things go, begin anew, surrender, be thankful, all the above. Yet I struggle. Even in the death of family I never had a problem with talking things over with God. But this? Man…The very core of my faith has been shaken. My mom used to say “if you had a problem with hating someone, pray for them. It’s impossible to hate someone you’re praying for.” But I don’t wanna pray for him. I can’t even stand hearing his voice. I forget the man he used to be and only see the man he let himself become, and I get angry feeling completely cheated out on a future I was so looking forward to and that our children deserved. Then I drift and find myself blaming God because He allowed it to happen.
That is just so wrong on so many levels.
Because we have free will.
I have no right to blame God.
I do though.
Shameful to admit, but I do.
I’ve gone though the anger now I’m onto feeling a big fat disappointment in how this all turned out. Did I not do enough to get God’s attention in the matter of my marriage?
Who knows…
But God has shown me favor through this.
My church and the schools getting us through Christmas, all the bills paid, food in our cabinets, a vehicle to drive, friends who check in, a promotion at work…a place of our own…God is totally lookin’ out for the kids and I yet here I am. Throwing a toddler fit.
I feel as though God needs to take me to the bathroom and remind me that HE is God and He alone and I need to know my place and shut my mouth.
My attitude is a stronghold.
A VERY…BIG…STRONGHOLD.
So MANY things He has continued to carry me through and I stand here with hands on hip, rolling my eyes still asking where He was and why it all went to hell. I have some nerve. I’m no better than those people who blame God for Cancer, a car accident or Sandy Hook… It is by no means God’s fault my husband decided to quit on our life together and bounce.
When it comes right down to it free will can cause pain for those directly affected by your bad decisions. However, God is merciful to those and He understands my anger. It’s not okay to be mad at God, yet He understands I’m having a toddler moment. In spite of that, He still takes care of me. He’s looking after me.
My fear is that I will become bitter.
Today is the day our divorce is officially filed and set in motion.
So many things are running through my mind but I know that with each step I take God is there first.
Even when I’m mad.
I feel as though I was thrown into water, left to drown, not knowing how to swim and I’m kicking and screaming when all I need to do is stand. Only then, will I see the water is at my knees.
I wasn’t drowning at all. Just panicking, but I need to re-focus and put ALL of my trust in Him who loves me with that effortless grace and amazing mercy. I think God understands I’m mad at the situation. The past 5 years of my marriage has been a roller coaster of emotions. He would leave, come back, leave, come back…When he left the last time I had to explain it would BE the LAST time…and it was. So why am I mad at God anyway?
God will honor my obedience of doing what I believed the right thing for our family, our marriage. NONE of it was in vain and that’s my problem. I get these l’il nasty evil voices telling me “what was all the effort for? He left anyway…Joke on you.” Well I don’t truly believe that. As long as I stop, breathe and focus I’ll remember it was not in vain because God will STILL honor my obedience. He already has… If I can redirect my emotions in the flesh and allow my spirit to rise up the stronger and look at where I am.
A promotion,
a home,
my kids beginning to adjust…
Grace is all through this crazy chapter of my life. It’s so scary how easy it can be to miss it.
Every single day is a struggle for me.
But I’m going to trust God. He didn’t walk out right after my husband did. He is STILL with me.
When I’m angry, when I’m sad, when I’m feeling defeated, when I’m feeling I can’t take anymore…He’s here. Right here…He’s my love, my life, my comfort, even my punching bag, lol
There is no doubt God the Father loves me without condition which is a feeling I’ve been lacking throughout my whole marriage and if anything good comes from this divorce, it is the fact I finally remember that to God I am good enough, to God, I am by no means expendable. My advice for anyone going through this?
Stay focused.
No matter where you are; in the car, bathroom at work, wherever…take a moment and focus ahead. Ya know…when Peter was walking across the water to Jesus he only began to sink when he looked at the storm around him. He began to panic, he lost focus of Christ standing before him.
You can’t lose your focus and you can’t lie to God. If you’re mad, be mad…but be honest. With yourself and Him…And remind yourself, He’s got this, He’s got you.

Saleh~
5) Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6) In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5 & 6 (kjv)

Cheryl

February 18, 2013

“Story’s And Strongholds.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Crazy Faith | Tags: Religious |
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Every morning is a new day, laying in bed hitting snooze for the third time.
It’s right there.
What I now know as the dreaded taunting of a Christian’s worst nightmare.
Strongholds.
They suck.
A few weeks ago Pastor Matt spoke on them and for the very first time I realized I didn’t even know what they actually were. Crazy, growing up in a Christian home and yet here I am a grown woman clueless as to my worst adversary.
This past Saturday Matt spoke more on our fiery fiending enemies and explained in detail their meaning and goal. Their point of attack is the soul.
Three parts: Body, Soul and Spirit.
My soul is just broken.
Sometimes I get so excited in the Spirit I could almost cart-wheel back to Worthington on Saturday nights but then it happens…One right after another…
“You will never be good enough.”
I cannot remember a time in my life to where this l’il phrase has not bounced back and forth in the crevice of my mind finding its way to the depths of my soul and took up house.
“You always fuck things up…”
A penny for the countless times I’ve heard this, and I’d be a Hilton.
So much so that people have actually told me that my good intentions always lead to chaos because, well…”that’s just you Cheryl.”
I’ve always had that feeling of anything that I touch turns to mud. No matter what I do.
I love so hard yet it always seems to find its way gone from me…
People leave me…whether by choice or in death either way I end up all by myself trying to figure what in the hell just happened. I get this feeling as if I bother people and I’m over extending my welcome.
I’m expendable.
The problem with all of those things is that it has seeped its nasty way right into my relationship with the Lord.
“Normal” people think “what if”s” from losing their jobs to not getting a degree to a loan falling through whatever! Me? Oh no…my cluster of fear is the big “what if” God thinks of me like all of those thoughts I mentioned?
He thinks I’m not good enough.
I’ll just screw that up for Him…
The worship band played this song with the words “He loves us…” and everything was all fine and dandy until they changed up the words to say “He loves me…” and I was all in the moment.
Hands raised,
face in the air,
and I couldn’t do it. I could not sing those words.
God continuously moves His wave of grace over my life yet here I stand, and I can’t sing those words.
Am I a disappointment? My biggest pet peeve is having to prove to people I love them but yet I ask God to do so on a daily. As if giving His only begotten Son wasn’t enough.
Confidence of who I am in Christ is lacking and it’s overwhelming to me.
I am so broken.
I am so broken.
I am so broken.
Sometimes I lay in bed and I feel as though my soul is just dying piece by piece.
Church was Saturday and Sunday night the words of Pastor Matt are still roaming through my heart and mind.
I need to re condition my thinking. My thoughts…
Stop letting them get the best of me.
I might as well grab a fiery dart and commit spiritual suicide if I allow myself to keep going on like this.
I feel as though I’m on a ledge and God is reaching out His hand and I’m that helpless damsel whose afraid to let go of the side of the building about to cave in, when safety and security is RIGHT THERE. But I NEED to MOVE. The crazy ironic part is…In order to “save myself” from falling…I have to let go.
In order not to die in the fire sometimes you have to walk through it to get out.
How frightening .
The last thing I want is a stagnant salvation.
After Saturday the words “old soul” have a completely new meaning to me. People who have one must have fought through major fiery darts thrown in their direction.
But as Pastor Matt went on to say “You have a story…” and I do.
As a child walking through a street of gunfire and never being harmed.
A heart-valve replacement gone bad to the point I should have been dead and the cardiologist was in awe at me sitting in his office…My Ezra is an actual vision brought to life, my Serenity was an unplanned TESTIMONY of God’s precious grace, standing in the middle of Heartsong feeling the amazing anointing of an awesome God for the first time in my life…The mere fact my mothers Doctor NEVER heard MY heartbeat and encouraged her to end the pregnancy…I HAVE countless story’s of why I am and who I am meant to be and those are my reminders that those strongholds have no place to torment my already broken soul. Every single story outlined in mercy, touched by grace is a jab right back at the enemy.
I’ve also been told that my “glass half full mind-set is unrealistic. You need to be more of a realist.”
No.
Never…
I believe that with the “tearing down of strongholds” you need to be the dreamer…because they are the spiritually broken so desperate for atonement that even with a heavy heart and a wounded soul you can begin your story again.
My body is tired, my Spirit is thirsty…but I’m starting to put band aids to cover each wound of attack on my soul. Each and every one is a story of how I came to be in the strength of Jesus, and one day…there is no doubt I’ll be able to sing those three l’il words with every confidence of Heaven, “He loves me…”
I may be broken but by no means whatsoever am I defeated.

Cheryl~
^{2 Corinthians 10:4 (KJV) “}For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds.”

February 6, 2013

“The Dangerous Thing About Divorce Is…”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Divorce
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Sitting in the waiting area of H&RBlock to me, was equal to death. It was freezing outside and this was the last place I wanted to be.
As my husband walked in there was no eye contact, no hello, no…nothing. To everyone else there we looked like complete strangers.
A few months ago this man was my best friend and I had every intention of growing old with him.
I tell my kids all of the time “life can change in an instant.” How true is that?
I stated in my last blog how divorce is a whirlwind of emotions and sharing my divorce with the world is to maybe, bring some encouragement to someone whose going through the same thing. I’m going to be honest about everything.
Today, I feel complete anger, contempt.
I know as a Christian that sounds terrible to say. Every single day is a battle for me. My flesh has been getting the best of me the past few days and anger has been like a tsunami wave crashing right into my face. I was by no means the perfect wife. However, I was a damn good one.
I will NEVER allow ANYBODY to steal that truth from me.
When going through something so excruciating the mental breakdown of “what if’s” you go through are astounding. But the “how could he’s” are far much worse.
“I just don’t want to do this anymore…”
“We have different lifestyles…”
“There are goals I want to accomplish that I can’t do there with you.”
“Your weight is a factor of why I left…”
These are all the words going through my head sitting there in that waiting area. I felt sick to my stomach to the point I wanted to vomit.
Those “reason’s” are excuses of bullshit hidden under a cowardly condescending man. Those words of excuses are him not admitting he’s seen the grass on the other side of a fence and he seems to think it’ll be greener over there, or…those are all the insecurities he feels towards himself but it’s easier to face palm someone else with them instead of dealing with it himself, OR…he truly just has no other reason and doesn’t want to admit he’s tired of responsibility and wants to be selfish for a while. Who will ever know other than God?
“She should have seen it coming, I was miserable for years” is what my husband plastered across Facebook and Twitter but I will make this perfectly clear right now to all who cares to read my words. NO…I DID NOT. I can walk away from this with a complete peace that I genuinely did all that I could for God to restore our marriage. However, as sovereign as He is BOTH need to reach out for Him to heal. You can pray until your heart is standing at attention to the cherubim at the throne, it’s not possible to have faith for TWO people when one is done.
It’s emotionally draining and when one begins to look at the other as if he’s better than you, your self-esteem and confidence begins to die and there is no way that can be God’s intention for you.
The dangerous thing about divorce is the fact it’s so easy to allow anger to get the best of you. I can sit and ponder on the cruel words spoken to me but the only thing that will do is have anger consume me and eventually make me miserable.
Although I feel that way right now. I need to precondition my mind-set that eventually it needs to be let go of…eventually 😉
But that’s what flesh will do. Your emotions getting the best of you.
Anger, love, sadness, confusion all of it.
But as my anger dissipates my spirit grieves.
I look at all God has brought my husband and I through and I weep at why he can allow himself to walk away. How he could want to walk away….
How could he forget all the mercy and grace God has covered our marriage with. From the vision brought to life in our baby Ezra. How he was going to come to be right down to what his name was going to be. All the prophecies that came to pass through our children in the healing process of his own broken childhood.
Waterfalls of spiritual grief just fall and I find myself feeling abandoned, empty and lost…I didn’t deserve being walked out on in the middle of the night, left with no car, broken children and insecurities of me as a woman and a failure as a Wife.
I will never understand.
There is a hole left here where we once stood united as a family.
We faced problems hand in hand with prayer and faith. Wept for our lost loved ones, vowing to be together forever as long as Christ was our center and now…it’s a mess.
The view of God as a Father to our children begins at home.
Men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.
I am spiritually broken.
Those sick excuses for justifying him bouncing out of our marriage should have NO comparison to the anointing power of God we walked in as a husband and wife.
All this week I have gone back and forth from anger in my flesh to grieving in my spirit and I am emotionally drained.
I understand and know in my heart that my husband has been hurt by the risk of reaching out in faith, but we tend to forget that men in general are mere men. Only God is God and only can God be consistent in love. We forget that men can hurt us…
In the midst of my anger I hope that one day my husband will reach back and find God waiting for him.
Sadly, I won’t be.
It’s been said that the hardest part is not always the letting go but the starting over. I can walk away… However I will always be sad for what once was. But as I walk away and reach for God’s mercy in new wine, new beginnings, and fresh living water there is no doubt I will be okay.
The dangerous thing about divorce is that it can make you fear being vulnerable. But I refuse to allow it to happen to me.
I will always be a hopeless romantic, believing in those serendipitous moments.
Ready to laugh at every unfortunate bump in the road of my life.
Walk out and face the world with my heart on my sleeve and be ready for the impossible because no matter what heartbreak consumes me today, tomorrow His mercies will be made new and there will I be, open and vulnerable to whatever.

“It’s funny how you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving.”

~Cheryl

January 23, 2013

“Did You Hear? She’s Getting A Divorce.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Divorce
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As a little girl we all dream of planning our wedding day. Our bedrooms are filled with all of the magical guest of Barbie, Ken, Skipper, about 25 stuffed animals and your dog. You stand in front of the mirror hanging on your wall looking into the eyes of your latest crush from school or television, complete with your veil.
You’re so happy at that very moment.
A clueless innocent child living in the moment of expectant wedded bliss. Little do you even know…
It was 5pm on Saturday and I was in stand still traffic when my cell rang. I answered to my friend Jennifer on the other line saying: “Cheryl!? Cheryl…Man…I do so love you girl. You’re beautiful. You know that? You’re beautiful. Seeing you everyday, talking to you, if someone didn’t know you they would never guess in a million years you were in the middle of a divorce. There is always a smile on your face. You’re happy…living your life and doing the best you can for your children to have a sense of normalcy during this. I just wanted you to know I see it. I see how strong you truly are girl and you are an amazing example to anyone who should be falling apart at the seems that there is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel and you can get to it as long as you just keep moving.”
People react so different when they hear you’re going through a Divorce.
Some don’t know what to say, others look at you with pity, give you opinions of what they think you need to do, what they think about the situation, others keep their distance all together as if you were just branded having leprosy.
My reaction is different too.
Every single day…
One moment to the next. Sometimes I feel happy not to be living in a situation that did nothing for my confidence as a woman. Yet there are moments where I question my identity as a woman, because for so long I was someone’s wife.
Then the angry moments,
The why?
What’s wrong with ME?
He’s such an ass…
So MANY waves of emotions you can’t help but find yourself spinning in a crazy chaotic circle, wondering where is the “How To Get Through A Divorce For Dummy” book is.
It’s the same as for anything else out there that’s terrifying.
Parenting, starting a business, moving to a new City, making new friends…The truth is, there is NO right or wrong answer. So far in the “heartbreaking chapter” in the book of my crazy life, I have found it’s not just one day at a time.
With divorce it’s every moment.
Each step is taken with extreme caution as you veer through that dark ass tunnel.
The scariest thing though for me right now is the fact I feel so vulnerable. Having no family being 40, starting a new job in a new part of town and you have 4 kids looking at you for answers you really just don’t have and probably never will. However, they are STILL looking to you to make them feel safe, secure…Reassured that everything is going to be okay.
Way deep down inside I question that myself.
IS everything going to be okay?
You take vows, you love beyond time and…nothing. You wake up thinking life is perfect and come home from work to find your whole entire world is about to shake below your feet and everything is thrown off-balance. Then the reality of having to tell your kids. It’s unbearable to see the same fear you have, in them. But you have got to be strong. You don’t have a choice to show one l’il ounce of fear or else they’ll be thrown into a panic mode.
I was in my bathroom as my Husband had all the kids go to the living room. I looked in the mirror and felt my eyes begin to burn and my bottom lip was quivering. “Keep it together Cheryl. You have Carson blood in you. Be strong, suck it up. Breathe…just breathe…” My tears never got a chance to touch the lids of my eyes as I splashed water on my face, took a deep breath and walked out into the living room and sat down as my Husband began to tell our children he was leaving and not coming back.
Their faces…
It was the hardest thing I ever did as a Mother.
Watching their hearts break and crumble as their worlds were torn to pieces.
The thought running thorugh my head? I have no answers for them.
Divorce is ugly and as Christians SHOULD be avoidable.
But sometimes…as you stand in your room looking into your mirror as an excited l’il girl walking into happily ever after you realize you’re now a grown woman…holding back tears and taking a deep breath and choosing strength over laying down in defeat.
I haven’t been open about my divorce because as a Christian it’s like the white elephant in the room and everyone knows it’s there but God forbid anyone mention it. But As I hung up the phone with Jennifer I thought maybe, just MAYBE there are other people out there who could use some encouragement. Maybe you’re going through the same thing. You feel lost, ashamed, defeated…you’re still standing at the mirror wondering if you can be strong enough to stand and not fall apart.
I can’t promise you my blogs will help, but at least you know you’re not the only person who is going through this. We learn by watching, listening…so…here I go. The very first blog about my divorce. I hope being open, honest and wearing my heart on my sleeve helped someone.

Selah,
CHERyL~

December 10, 2012

“I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life
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I can’t believe the year is almost over. Last year at this time I was expecting so many different things. My life was planned out, a new place, fresh start, new job…It was finally happening and actually going in a good direction for once. However, my life can never go as planned. Just as I am sure of the sky being blue someone will change the color scheme to grey. A year ago I would have fallen apart.
But like I said my life never goes as planned…ever.
I haven’t fallen apart. I’m still here, breathing, living, one foot right in front of the other. I used to have this music box when I was a little girl. It was square, plastic. Inside was two hot pink butterfly’s with black tips and when you wound it up it played “Never Promised You A Rose Garden.” Little did I know then that would be the theme song to the story of my life 🙂 I go through these stages where I’m completely okay with the rose garden’s none existence. Sometimes I’m not. I get pissed off, angry and I tend to feel sorry for myself and start asking God these ridiculous questions of “why does so and so get…”
The past few months I’ve had to dig deep. Deep into my heart and my soul. What truly DEFINES me? Is it having someone to love me as my Mother and Grandmother had for 30 plus years?
Is it being a mother?
My career?
Being a woman in general? What is it?
To be defined is simply knowing the true nature of something with one word…or a sentence. If you could be defined by word or one complete sentence what would it be to you?
You can’t ask other people. You never want the opinions of others define who YOU are. Of course you want respect of others around you so to have them see a glimpse of the definition of you is important but it’s not the be all end all because you could have a bad first impression, a falling out, a crappy moment where you lost it…those can develop into what people may THINK defines YOUR true nature but does it really? Jesus was totally right on when He said ^“Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them..” (Matthew 7:20KJV)
When my life looked as though it was crumbling into pieces I had a dear friend say to me “What can I do?” My immediate response is always “Mom Mode.” “Just pray for my kids…” My friend said “Cheryl…the best thing you can do for those babies is to simply show them Jesus in the worst time of your lives.”
I still weep like a baby when I think back on our conversation. Because that is the one thing I remember growing up. My mom always showing me Jesus.
When my mom was sick…smiles, prayers and laughter.
We lost our home…Smiles, prayers and laughter…
My brother dying…Smiles, prayers and laughter…
I was always shown the Jesus that made the journey to the cross so very desirable, through my mom’s unshaken faith in the best of times and the very worst of times. The fruit I so wish to share is that of love, humility, joy, laughter, peace and perseverance. The very thing I desire to define ME, CHERYL INGRAM is grace.
But not just any grace…God’s grace.
That even in the face of trials and cruel changes of the wind, be it unintentional or not…I need that to define me, I want that to define me.
It’s not an easy thing to conquer but even so, it CAN be conquered. To find that forgiveness, mercy and grace because with them in hand I can walk to the cross one step at a time and lay there all of my anger, my hurt, my brokenness and leave it for Jesus to cover it all so that my kids and even others can see what truly does define me. It’s easy to become bitter. Focusing on things that can NEVER be changed yet still make you as angry as if they had just happened, isn’t healthy. What consumes you, WILL control you and as a Believer in Jesus that can be dangerous. Bitterness to a Christian is like a Cancer. I can’t stop now…My kids NEED to see Jesus and I NEED to soak in that effortless grace to be able to show Him to them. I fail man…All of the time. But every new breath I breathe is another opportunity for a “Jesus do-over.” Life can never promise you a rose garden, however any ending whether by your choice or another, lies a new direction for a fresh start in grace.

SELAH~
Cheryl