Gesuschic

July 7, 2014

“A Little Bit Of Me Did Die…But It Needed Too.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life
Leave a Comment

You get completely comfortable in the things you surround yourself with. People will say that’s not true and if you try hard enough, you can change, be different, successful, whatever. You get what I’m saying? However, I have to tell ya…Not always true.
Only because you get comfortable.
I call them “familiar surroundings.” There are fine lines with every single situation.
For instance, mine. I can never see myself rubbing shoulders with the “spiritual elite” or A~List Celebrities, eating dinner with my four kids at some weird country club and playin’ a round of golf on a Sunday afternoon. That just isn’t me. That life isn’t…comfortable. I was raised poor (although my parents never let us know we were poor). The more we were blessed as a family the more my parents paid it forward. We always had teenagers, kids, whole freaking families packed in our tiny little house in the hood because my mom and dad were the poster children for “share the wealth” even if the wealth was macaroni and cheese. I take pride in the fact I can get along with just about anyone, I’m approachable and people find it easy to talk to me, wait, not just talk, but totally open up their soul to me. I’ve always surrounded myself with that energy too. I know what you’re thinking. Being that way can open you up to being hurt over and over. Well hellz yeah it can but man, by being closed off and not wearing my heart on my sleeve will also keep me closed from amazing, beautiful, crazy, kick ass moments life has.
I made a life change. A few of them actually.
Deciding to pick up my whole life, my children…saying goodbye to my familiar surrounding in the hood of Columbus, Ohio. It didn’t end there either. I decided to start this new life with a man who doesn’t necessarily, well who doesn’t look to Jesus as a Savior let alone his own personal one. I say things on Twitter here and there but for the most part I never go into detail but so many people I thought were ride or dies started treating me different. Some cut me off completely, some stopped speaking to me all together and though some are still “Facebook friends” it’s definitely clear things are different. Whether they don’t agree with the life choices I’ve made or they’re just plain assholes I’m no longer sure, (nor at this point do I care) but I’m the type of person who looks to friends as family. Opinions matter, love and support is wanted by everyone no matter what ANYONE says. But this week, it hit me. Something I’ve said to my children over and over that I forgot. “Even Moses…had to climb half the mountain and face God alone.”
You can be comfortable. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as you don’t become stagnant.
I was going through my Twitter feed and Peter Rollins ( @PeterRollins ) tweeted this amazing statement:
“We’re told we’re responsible for fulfilling our dreams, but not that we are responsible for accepting/changing the types of dreams we have.”
After moving to Ft.Wayne and seeing certain people I thought the absolute world of begin to act shady and different I started to fall into a slump of self pity and defeat. I will never believe that when individuals make life changing decisions they do it with absolutely NO hesitation. However, I’m all for people making their OWN choices. As I said before opinions, advice, encouragement all good, but when it comes right down to it people need to stand their own in the decisions and choices for their lives.
I forgot that.
When my ex husband’s selfish choice uprooted and crashed the lives of my children and me I was totally broken and devastated. I changed as a mother, a friend, a woman…The good thing is, I retreated to what my parents taught me, my faith. And my perspective was awful because of all the hurt and betrayal. However, the roots of my faith were deep enough to keep me from drowning in my devastation. It was a good thing to allow the Holy Ghost to refine the brokenness of my spirit and allow Him to refine my soul because it had been shattered. The downfall to that was becoming codependent on the opinions of those who helped me along that journey. And allowing them to think I could be persuaded to follow in their direction of what the best path to follow for what has been given as mine. It sucks to realize some people are meant just to be a season in your life. Especially when you’re the type of person who thrives on people being around. The laughter and tears of friendships are what make me Cheryl and to have to let certain people go who no longer encourage that, blows chunks. But I’m responsible for my dreams and that includes if they begin to change. I’ve grown…emotionally, spiritually. I’ve been shattered and placed back together over and over and each and every time, whether you admit it or not, you change. The people around you change. It happens. My views on life, dreams, the Bible…All began to change as life happened to me. From homosexuality, the legalization of Marijuana, dating, sex, love, I can go on and on man, it all began to change. Unfortunately when things like that begin to happen some people cut themselves off, others fade away and those who can love beyond differences, they will always be there. When Rich died…I felt as though I died. And looking back, I think apart of me did. But it needed too. I was stagnant, waiting in limbo for a life, a love that was never going to happen and everything around me was beginning to wither away and die. I will NEVER be the same after saying goodbye to Rich and Scott. But I had to leave that life, that City. Those memories were crucifying my already beaten soul and I could feel myself fazing out. Becoming bitter…depressed…I couldn’t, for the sake of my children and for the sake of myself! I just couldn’t stay. Some people have no idea what is going on in someones heart when they make such a crazy decision that doesn’t seem to fit the direction they thought you were headed, but hey, jokes on them. Because being here, my new job, the conversation I had with my new supervisor, the smiles on the faces of my children, even at the grocery store, some guy out of the blue began telling me his life story, I’m still me. People find me, they are thrown into my path. This crazy journey I’m on and everyday the heart on my sleeve, the pain I carry, the love I’ve lost and said goodbye too, it’s all validated. I have no idea if this was the exact choice I should have made. Does anyone ever know that? Good and bad can happen no matter where you are, it’s a gamble. It’s a gamble…But my mom always taught me, “risks are always worth taking Tommie-Girl, because you never know. Anything can happen…” So follow your dreams, breathe in new life, make crazy choices and say goodbye to those who can’t encourage that. Cherish those seasons they were there and learn that you are responsible for being who YOU are. And if you happen to change along your journey…just don’t lose yourself in trying to stay who you once were. Live, laugh and love hard. No matter what. You’ve heard it before, “saying goodbye doesn’t always mean an ending, it can also mean a new beginning.” People will be all in your corner, but sometimes their perspective of you being a strong person of faith can quickly change because of their opinion. But don’t let that stop you from doing what you know in your heart will truly save your life.

SELAH,
CHERyL
“I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and got right back up...
And I know some shit’s so hard to swallow, but I just can’t sit back and wallow in my own sorrow, but I know one fact: I’ll be one tough act to follow. Here today, gone tomorrow, but you’d have to walk a thousand miles…”
(Eminem/Marshall Mathers)

April 29, 2014

“Goodbye Moses.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life
[2] Comments

As I drove down Tussing Road I felt it.
The lump in my throat, the pit in my stomach.
There are certain people you look to and expect them to be there forever.
Rich Fout was one of those people.
He is the one who told me about the King’s Place. A christian rock hall.
If you were a Christian Rock band in the 80’s, you weren’t “in” unless you played there.
Every single time my friends and I went to see Bride, Tourniquet, Holy Soldier, Barren Cross ect…Driving down Tussing, the excitement would build and as you were turning into the long ass drive way you could always see people lining up. Laughter, anticipation, happiness filled that parking lot as we all stood in those lines waiting to see our hero’s rock it out.
But this particular day…Was different. We wouldn’t be throwing up into the air our lighters or metal horns, windmillin’ our long hair or head banging and screaming as the lights went down.
No..Not this day.
Today we were all coming together one last time. To say goodbye…To our favorite hero of them all.
Our Godfather.
Our Moses.
The one person who was always, always there.
It was the summer of 87′ Mary Burnett and I were out and about and she took me to HeartSong. The first two people I met in the door were Scott Walton and Rich Fout.
I swear from the moment my eyes looked at theirs, I fell in love with both of them.
Rich was like a never-ending cup of wisdom, love, compassion, understanding, discipline, genuineness (just to name a few), that poured into my spirit as slow as I needed it, or as fast as I needed it.
I had the best Parents any child could ask for. But The Godfather was an “added blessing” of parental love. The kind of love that’s true, loyal, unconditional. He and Karen were my “cool parents.” I honestly could sit here for hours blogging about the characteristics that made Rich so special to a group of crazy teenagers who had no clue what we had in that old record store…but in all seriousness, there are no words.
To truly grasp the knowledge of why our heartbreak was so unbearable in losing Rich, you would had to of had that Godfather experience.
Few people have that bizarre quality of being all things to all people to the point you could connect with them no matter where they were at.
A child who looked at faith with such simplicity, a teenager who was angry at the world, a young arrogant adult who felt had all the answers, an older person with higher education and dropped one hundred-dollar words, it didn’t matter who you were, or where you were in life.
Rich Fout loved you RIGHT WHERE YOU WERE AT.
He never understood why God chose him, he just knew that He did and he picked up that mantle and carried it with humility, love and passion.
In my mind Rich Fout was an A~List Celeberty who, without question, would humbly kneel and wash the feet of the poorest of the poor or the richest of the rich. He didn’t bother with “should I…could I…what about…Well…” Rich Fout pursued the hurting. He chased after the broken. He loved those whom the world tossed aside and those the church chose to forget.
He was love. Point blank. Pure love…
Rich’s life was crazy, but he was the most beautiful picture of redemption.
He was our Moses.
Guiding us through a wilderness of a broken battered world and picking up every stray along the way and just lovin’ on ’em.
He had vision.
And NEVER lost sight of it.
That vision was to reach those who felt abandoned, lost and unworthy.
To find them and love them with the perfect pure love of Jesus.
REVIVAL…
So now what?
Rich has graduated from this life and entered into HIS Canaan. But that vision…THAT vision he taught us through EXAMPLE and not just words, is still very much alive. And waiting for Joshua to rise up, grab the mantle and move forward in Courage.
Well…
HERE AM I.
The mantle…excuse me…The cigar 😉 has been placed down upon the ground. Our leader has gone to stroll with Jesus on streets of gold. But I will tell you this, just as Jesus roots and cheers for us throughout our journey, the next biggest cheerleader in Heaven is Rich Fout. He went Home on Friday morning April 18th 2014 because he knew we would get “it.”
As in we would know what to do.
The past few years we have lost AMAZING men of God.
Pastor Chuck Smith, Pastor Dave Brown, Pastor James Moody, Larry Norman, Rich Mullins, Keith Green…Rich Fout.
The battle is NOT over. There is work needing to be done. There are broken people who are counting on SOMEONE…ANYONE to notice them missing. There are teenagers who are secretly wishing to God that just one freaking person would chase after them. Hold them until they stop screaming and break down weeping! THIS is now OUR time to take everything that has been taught to us, breathed into our spirit, spoken over us in prayer and fasting for YEARS. We can no longer hold onto it. We need to review our lessons, because what you don’t review…you can forget.
So here it is;
LOVE without condition.
REACH even if they aren’t reaching back.
RUN after the lost, hurting, broken and forgotten.
NEVER relent.
ALWAYS know that to God ALL glory be.
We have our marching orders.
It’s now time for the students to become the teachers.
We’ve done our weeping.
We’ve said goodbye to Moses.
Now…we rise.
Let’s do this…
WHO is with me?

Onward Christian Soldier,
Gesuschic
Joshua 1:16 & 17 (kjv)

April 3, 2014

“This Is Where I’m At.”

Posted by Gesuschic under Hope And Love
Leave a Comment

What if I told you the past few years of my whole entire life had been shifted and uprooted?
Would you believe me?
Would you care?
Perhaps you’d think I was over exaggerating a bit?
But seriously though, everyone goes through life-changing events. Weather it be a marriage, divorce, death, retirement, a career taking off ect., but to have your WHOLE ENTIRE life completely shifted annnd uprooted?
I use the term “shifted” because I sometimes struggle with these crazy ass strongholds that once I feel confident they’ve been defeated, come right back around and smack me in the face like a brick. I absolutely despise it. I must admit that sometimes when that happens it’s usually at the WORST possible moment and I get so blindsided, that instead of directing my anger at the true source, I wail and shake my fist at the sky as though I’m looking God right in the eye-ball. However, as always, so merciful He shows me compassion and slows my role as gently as a parent can to their child. My God rocks hardcore man.
I would love to say I’ve moved on, moved forward, am a better person, all is forgiven blah, blah, blah and all the right words you’re expecting a God-fearing, Jesus loving, Bible reading woman to say.
But I can’t.
Because I haven’t.
Because I’m not.
Because it hasn’t.
I can only be real with whoever is reading this because I feel in this big huge world there is a lot of things to offer but honesty and genuineness and openness isn’t even among the top ranks of “qualities seeking for in a true friendship.”
I only seem as though I’ve done the moving on and forgiving because the ground beneath my feet has been shifted.
When the very core of your foundation has been shaken, your ground begins to shift shapes and before you’ve had a chance to settle, breathe in the change and move on…you notice you’ve been shifted and you’re not even where you were to begin with! At that quick, slap in the face reality check moment my buddy, my dude, my loyal sidekick “insecurity” decides to pop in for a visit and throws a rave party and invites all of his other l’il friends…rejection, attitude, anger, unforgivness…and before to long, the craziest one of them all strolls in with a couple of babes, hello there fear.
I have this thing I do when I feel as though people are about to hurt me. OR…when I know people are at the point of tolerating me (ahem…stronghold) I smell it in the air (ahem…stronghold) and my knees go weak and before it happens I usually cut them off at the root (ahem…stronghold) severing all ties and communication.
So I shift. Back and forth, one from another. Playing tag with my strongholds, crossing them one by one as though they’re a set of monkey bars…and instead of leaning INTO the wind I rely and run back to my own familiar places, my “panic room” if you will.
My entire life has always been rooted in the basics.
Love, respect, faith, loyalties, joy, laughter, friendship…and family.
I watched and wept as my parents buried our youngest brother, Kenneth, and I shuttered to think I would ever have to find that type of strength to have to do that. Yet not just two decades later there I was.
I buried my father.
My mother,
my brothers…my sister…I felt as though my very soul was uprooted as each one of my immediate family took their last breaths. Every time one died it was as though I lost all of them all over again.
One…after…the…other.
When I lost my parents I felt totally naked. Emotionally, spiritually.
My mom and dad were the two most beautiful people I ever had the highest honor of knowing.
My mom and dad were the two most loving people I have ever known and it was a pure blessing to have had the priveledge of being their daughter.
My brothers Randy and Kenneth were never without a laugh.
My brother Terry…the fatherly advice and soft correction in love was like no other I have ever yet to come across again.
My sister Tina, we could on the phone for HOURS.
I had barely started my life and I lost them all. No family Christmas, no spending weekends with Grandma and Grandpa…My children would never have those memories. My life as I knew it, was grabbed by the very roots and yanked away from me forever.
As if that wasn’t even enough…
My marriage.
Dead, buried and forgotten.
It was just that easy for him.
Again, by the very roots from which I breathed…
I could go on and on but it seems as though I can never be settled long enough to re-group before I’m once again uprooted or the ground below my feet is shaken and I find myself being shifted into another direction.
I can’t even be comfortable in the most secure place I have right now. Why? Because my past is there. Each and every week. Right….there. What hurts the most? The very thing that cuts me deeper than the deaths of my family, the broken marriage my ex husband kicked aside, the losing my place, my job, taking thirty fucking thousand steps backward, only to crawl through it all again face straight into the cold cruel wind, yes, the very thing that tears to pieces what’s left of my soul is that it’s a past that pays me no mind. Doesn’t ever glance my way, no second thought…And just like everyone else, before and apparently after, I was just that easy to forget.
Although my perspective has almost come FULL CIRCLE with change by grace, mercy, and guidance and comforting of the Holy Ghost those strongholds come FULL FORCE right into my front door as though they were the kool-aid man.
They rage through my mind, body and spirit whispering lies and manipulation on how I should just relinquish all rights to obedience because nobody really cares. How many times do I sacrifice my happiness and do “the right thing” when over and over the “right thing” gets me right back in the front line of my soul, fighting an army of relentless strongholds? Well I’m spiritually and emotionally worn down man…
Not knowing where I’ll be a year from now terrifies me. Being at the mercy of friends for a roof over the heads of my children scares the shit out of me. It’s the very thought that wakes me up at night.
The only constant sure thing I have is God but even Him…Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing more I like to do than dance with the Holy Ghost (as He is such a Gentleman) but those quick steps and jives He likes to do makes me hesitate to allow Him to have the lead. But He’s the only one who knows the dance.
I’m reading my Bible more than ever…studying it even. I definitely need to pray more and have heart to hearts with The Father more regularly but I still feel so unsteady, unsure of myself. As though stepping out on an icy lake and hearing all of my surrounding areas make cracking and pop noises with each and every step. Every little thing I take personal. Do people not ask me to pray because I’m such a train wreck all of the time? Am I that damaged I’m beyond a happily ever after? Is that confidence I once carried so effortlessly lost forever? Just because I’m a Christian it doesn’t mean I can’t struggle with these things. It’s real. And it sucks. I just want to be totally honest in all that I write to you. Right now the season is changing and I feel so overwhelmed. The once defeated strongholds have returned and either they’re stronger or I’m just weaker but either way, this is where I am today. I’m right there at the spin cycle of my life until further notice.
The one thing I do know for sure though…as my Pastor says…”In closing….I’ll share this one last thing.” The one thing I KNOW for absolute certainty. Bitterness will NOT be allowed here. If you completely get what I’ve been saying in this blog or another, hold on. Hold on with me…The bright side of being shifted or uprooted is the fact YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LAND SOMEWHERE. Take THAT moment, even if it’s but a moment. And breathe it all in….and just get ready.

SELAH,
CHERyL~

March 5, 2014

“Hold My Mule…”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life | Tags: Divorce, Faith, Jesus, Testimony |
Leave a Comment

The past few months I get these crazy ideas. Through my dreams, people I meet, random events. I get what my mom used to call “Holy Goose Bumps.” You would think at 41yrs old (accepting the Lord at 15) there wouldn’t be a whole lot that should shock me.
But the Lord does it.
Sunday afafternoon Pastor Matt had an “off script” service. The kind where you have a sermon planned but the Holy Ghost politely took over the service during worship 🙂 Ever since Angel walked out of our life, it’s been a roller coaster ride for my womanhood, my mothering, my friendships and faith. I constantly feel as though I’m walking up hill towards cold wind.
The confidence I once had as a Christian knowing God’s voice has been shattered and with that the clarity of my effectiveness to make decisions. I think there was a part in submission I failed. My views on that will never change. No matter what happened in my marriage, I will not let it destroy the foundations of my belief, however…shaken they may have been. But although an obvious freedom in submission there is a certain responsibility to myself and my children where I should have prepared myself. Learned a triad and had money aside. Having my house in order “just in case.” I’m not even speaking of a “what if” divorce scenario either. No matter what the circumstance my house wasn’t in order and I allowed myself to be unprepared. God is slowly teaching me on how to look pass the favor. Sounds crazed huh? Let me explain. I think, no, no, no. I believe that no matter where you find yourself in life, God will always show you favor and blessing. The sheer fact you are His! If you are lost, poor, wealthy, a King…a pauper…YOU are favored ❤ What I mean by looking past the favor, is from a completely different angle, perspective, thought..
and by doing that, you not only see the favor, the blessing.
But the actual revelation of who God actually is…as God.
All sovereignty, all power, all might.
Since I lost my “good job” back in October and the kids and I had to move in with friends ect, ect. I have not had any luck on finding another good job.
Either scheduling conflicts or money, transportation whatever the case! I’ve had NO luck, lol I could care less about living in another suburb or having a nice ride, who really cares? I just want our own place again. For Big Green to keep on trucking and to just LIVE. I never realized how numb and empty I was until the night Angel shut the door behind him.
It’s as if the door closed…and I gasped for what felt like the first breath I had taken in years.
Anyway, one, two, three jobs…for jobs…all came and went for me and it just seemed as though I couldn’t catch a break. Then I met Miss Peggy 🙂 An amazing woman (who I’ll always covet our time) who had started her own business and needed help. Things were going great. I loved this job. The only thing that had been on my mind was more money. I knew in order for us to have our own place I would need to make more cash. I’m not going to go into every detail about things leading up to Sunday but let’s just say the enemy was lurking around the camp and God stood at attention and guarded us from that little devil’s every move.
Sunday morning was a rush as usual. It had started snowing, we had a long two weeks as a family and truthfully NONE of us wanted to go to church. But as I laid there in my bed I just kept thinking “We need to go…” All of my kids were pissed off at me for making them get up and go, but if there is one thing I’ve learned. If you expect something, it’ll come.
God moved Sunday at church. He moved gently, hovering about my family as a couple of us began to cry and hold hands. As Pastor Matt laid hands on my Hanja and began to pray, my body began to feel as though I was floating at that point I knew I had to press in and pray for my kids. Their futures, their spouses, their every day life, and at that moment I felt another hand latch onto my pinky finger.
It was my oldest, Charlie. He was now crying too.
Pastor Matt called on him and men, real men of God, some that I’ve known since high school, some just a few short years, even months. They surrounded my son as he stood there weeping for the first time I had ever seen.
I could go on and on but I’ll move to the ride home.
We were laughing, having a good time when I noticed a text I had gotten from my boss.
Beyond Peggy’s control things happened and she had no other choice but to let me go 😦 I laughed and said a few words trying not to let my kids know a rub was just pulled out from under us, again. Later that evening I told my oldest daughter what happened and she just started crying. You would have thought she lost the job, lol But like I said earlier it’s been a long hard road since “he” left us.
“I’m not going to panic” I told myself. Just like so many times the past few years I repeated “I’ll get over it, it’s just a bump in the road.”
So far the road has sucked…But by the words in my OWN testimony from earlier that day at church “There’s a revelation here, somewhere there is a revelation I need to see.” I called a friend I had worked with, Kim. She informed me she could get me a few hours here and there but nothing concrete. I totally didn’t care, at this point I just need to keep moving, keep working. It was late, so she called the owner the next day. Again I’ll spare details but basically there was a period of FOUR SMALL HOURS where I was calling Kim, she was calling the owner, I was doing “mom stuff” and strategically GOD ordained another phone call between the owner, Kim and then mine. A NEW client. Who pays the same exact pay I got at my “good job” from back in October. Monday thru Friday…normal people hours 🙂 The owner said to me “If I had talked to you yesterday or tomorrow these hours wouldn’t be there. This is completely God timed for you Cheryl.”
Now, I could tell you how just that morning I had told my daughter “Even though I need full-time to be able to get us a place again, I’ll take whatever.” Or just that Friday telling my son “Sometimes, God has a plan we know nothing about yet.” Sooo many things said, prayed for, so many…And will this be the perfect job?
Will it lead on to the point it’s permanent?
I don’t know.
I don’t know any of those answers. I do know, however. That God has me. Even when the devil is poking and poking at my family, and throwing life circumstances at us one right after another, God always glides in like Tom Cruise across the floor in his socks in Risky Business…HAHAHA…and saves the day.
When all is hopeless, He is God.
When all is good. He is God.
When all is lost, He is God.
When all is well, He is God.
The revelation? A situation arising weeks before in my job with Peggy, yet God knew that phone call, that client needed service but had to call the owner of my old job at that day, that hour, that moment because I would need FULL TIME, GOOD PAY hours.
How awesome is He?
A million over a million times has God “pulled moves” like this since I can remember while I’ve journeyed with Him and every single time it takes my breath away of how faithful He is to me.

Selah…
Cheryl
NOTE: Hold My Mule reference courtesy Shirley Caesar 🙂 Look it up!

November 17, 2013

“Even If You Lose Everything.”

Posted by Gesuschic under Faith, My Crazy Faith | Tags: Faith, Jesus, Life, Struggle |
1 Comment

So here I am. 41 years old, sharing a bedroom with my oldest daughter in the home of my best friend from childhood and her husband. My boys are across the hall and my youngest daughter down the hall. I tried, no…no. I did…my best. But it wasn’t enough.
The story of my life right?
Every single chapter keeps ending the same way for me. I pour all that I am into all that I have and circumstances beyond my control slam into my life and POOF.
It’s all gone.
Everything I worked for.
Starting over and over again is getting to be a challenge. However, I won’t let it break me. One day eventually it will all pay off. If I stop believing that then I lose all hope and then I’ll really be in trouble.
I try to teach my kids that no matter what, stay true to you. Don’t ever allow the actions of another determine who you’re going to be. The one thought that goes through my head day-to-day is the fact God has the big picture of my life. I may never see it, but I know there are things going on that would probably blow my freakin’ mind in the spiritual…I can’t stop moving. If Ruth packed up and went back to her family Boaz never would have found her.
Rahab was Boaz momma, perhaps that’s why he had a heart for Ruth because of who his mom was. Did you know Ruth ended up being the great-grandmother of David, who is the lineage Of Jesus?
Rahab…when she helped the two spies sent by Joshua, no way could she have known that one day…one day she would be great-grandmother of the Savior of the world…or great-great grandma? But my point being, she was a well-known harlot who did the right thing that could have cost her life.
Bathsheba too, a great-grandmother of Jesus. I mean when you really dig into Jesus and His lineage… Tamara, Ruth, Rehab, BathSheba…Holy crap man, NONE of them were even Jewish!!!
Seriously, the family of Jesus beats even the cray of the crazy. The Hatfields and The McCoys. Just pondering on those facts alone how can I think that I’m not a part of something so much bigger than even I yet or may ever know?
I’ve lost everything. A few times, lol But just like Ruth, just like Rahab, just like every single riff~raff in the Bible I WILL keep going. Is it wrong to say or think “it may always be an up hill battle?” Perhaps to some. But when I look at the life of Jesus and all who followed Him their rewards were after death. Not that I’m waiting to die or anything, haha I’m just living…trying to focus on moving forward with one foot in front of the other looking for that favor, counting those blessings and anticipating that beautiful blessed hope that is to come.
It sucks to struggle. I will never understand why some do and some don’t but what I do know is that whatever cup I am given in this life keeps me at His feet…I will drink it.
Jesus is all I need.
If there is anything my children take away from me, it’s truly that.
Nothing but Jesus.
Starting over at 40? Big deal man. There is no real relevance in material things. No matter how nice they may be to have. The real relevance is in your life. How you lived it, how much you loved those around you, how you treated them and complete strangers and who you walked with 😉 Today is the oldest and youngest you will ever be, and tomorrow isn’t promised to no one. So live, laugh and walk with Him who matters most even if it means you may have to lose everything to keep you right there.

Selah….,
*Gesuschic

September 25, 2013

“Circles In The Desert.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Crazy Faith
Leave a Comment

Years of going in circles while walking through a desert seems to be the theme my life generates over and over. At times I can actually feel myself spinning. Or am I standing still and it’s the world around me moving?
Not really sure…
I close my eyes and take in a breath and hold it until I feel a sense of relief, a moment of peace. Exhale Cheryl. It’s okay. I feel as though I’m moving forward only to get pushed back and once again I find myself at His mercy. How many times can my spirit be broken? My heart races as my soul is emptied and there I am. Laying all that I am on an altar of sacrifice begging for redemption. To ashamed to lift my head and look to His face I curl in a fetal position waiting for His rebuke.
Silence.
Not even a whisper.
I long to be whole, complete. Made new by His love, His sacrifice. Disregarding my past, my secrets, my shame, my guilt…He calls me beloved. Gives me beauty for ashes and defines the very depths of my entire being.
I love Him.
I fear Him.
I stand in awe of His Omnipotence.
I feel so unworthy to have Him call me His, yet I am drawn into all that He illuminates.
The great I Am…
My prince, my love, My God. Truly the lover of my soul. Who holds the entire span of the universe in the palm of His hand yet harms me not, and handles me with such gentle and holy care.
By one word He created the world and one word destroy it.
He loves me.
He loves me…
To weak and ashamed to stand before Him He reaches and touches my face, lifts my eyes to Him and calls me Woman…Refining my self-worth, my dignity and reforming my roll as He see’s and not what man has made me believe.
Who is such a God, a Savior as this? To know I am nothing but broken pieces He could shatter, but does it not?
Barefoot, bruised and dirty…all by my own doing in choices and regret…Yet He still loves me. Pursues my heart to fall in love with Him as He has already done for me…even while I was yet in my mother’s womb.
What have I done to deserve Him?
I so adore His face.
My King…My Jesus…Take it all, everything I have. Drench me in grace that only you can give.
I have nothing more to offer than who I am.
A whore at Your feet.
I lay before you all that I am, all that I long and dream to be…please draw near to me and never, never let me go…

Selah,
Cheryl

August 27, 2013

“Everything’s Not Lost.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life, Uncategorized
[2] Comments

I was at the gas station with my daughter last week and as I put the car in park she asked; “Mom, do you know what today is?” It took half a breath before the date rushed into my head and my heart sank right into my belly. “August 17th Mom…He left us exactly one year ago today.”
When he first left us I tried to always keep busy. For all kinds of reasons. To appear strong for the four people counting on me to keep it all together, to show my friends I was strong, to prove a point to him I wasn’t going to fall apart…but mostly, even though I hate to admit it. My reason was selfish. I didn’t want o have any time for me to think about him. To torture myself on the cruel things he said as to why he left. Although every excuse was bullshit when someone slams your confidence in just about everything you thought you were doing right, it’s a massive blow to who you are.
I thought my two oldest were “over it…” He said he left me not the kids, but just like everything else that was a lie…He left every single one of us that day. August 17th 2012 I must say the last few weeks he has put more effort into “our children” but the two oldest, even though he raised them? No…none…it’s as if they were completely expendable. That breaks my heart in half and hatred lurks around my soul like a snake whenever I stop and ponder on the hurt my two oldest children have gone through because of all of this. Later that evening I’m scrolling through Instagram and my second oldest has a post of a memo, simply stating; “It’s been a year since you walked out on us. And it’s still hard to believe it was just that easy for you.”
As a mother you have these beautiful babies God blesses you with and in both situations my oldest children changed my entire life. They rescued me…In my rebellion and running from God I became pregnant with my daughter and in the Ministry I’ve been called to, she is my testimony of His amazing grace and unconditional love through forgiveness.
My son…I was losing focus, doing things no mother should be doing, getting a bit crazy and in getting pregnant with him (even though doubly protected 😉 ) God slowed my roll, haha.
I was so careful when I first started dating my Ex-Husband. It was almost 4 months before I even let him see my kids. Longer than that before I started bringing him to my place and spending time with my kids. I wanted to be so sure that I wasn’t bringing someone around their precious delicate lives who would end up leaving. I thought I did everything right, to protect them. But here we are…one year later and they are still so completely broken. No matter how much I love them, hug them, kiss the, tell them they are wanted, needed…there will always be that brokenness of being…forgotten.
What can you do for that?
Absolutely nothing…In time, sadly as they grow older and venture off into their own lives separate from mine, they will have to conquer those demons of abandonment and feeling of being tossed to the side and in the midst of it all, still maintain a relationship with my two youngest children without resentment or jealousy. It really sucks how someone elses actions can have such an effect on another…sigh.
One year…wow…I can’t quite believe it. I think I’ve gone through every single emotion known to man in the past 12 months…all but one.
Grief…
My heart never went through this. Until yesterday. Our youngest daughter was baptized and surprisingly he wanted to go. With all of the baptisms he had done himself, teenagers he ministered too, strangers he lead to the Lord, his sister, her husband…He loved that. It was one of the things he lived for. It hit me as Pastor Matt and Craig baptized our baby girl, he should have been doing it. Pastor Dave just a decade earlier baptized him at Alum Creek…and it was so emotional, so beautiful…how could he not be thinking of these things? Driving down the road after leading some kids to the Lord and them wanting to be baptized, my Ex-Husband found a pool…hahaha…and baptized these three teenagers and the Lord was moving so hardcore. I can’t even explain yesterday. I came home that day, went to bed feeling so blessed about my baby girl and her decision to follow Christ example in water baptism but all I could do was cry..just grieved by all that has been lost this past year for our family. How much God had in store for our life. Not that He still does not have a plan for the kids and myself..He does. But what could have been…just thrown away. I can’t help but wonder did I pray enough? Did I seek God hard enough? Free-will has a nasty side effect…the emotions of those left behind dealing with the shattered pieces of someone’s selfish choice. I always knew I was supposed to be a wife.
My two oldest deserve a family, united. Complete with dinner party’s, church outings, Christmas gatherings and celebrated birthdays. I don’t give a rats ass about “modern families” in the 21st Century. They deserve a traditional family. It’s what I prayed for when I had them…The very thing I fasted for before meeting my Ex-Husband…It’s traditional, but I don’t care.
So what now…How is God going to fix this hot mess?
My flesh streams tears down my face as I type, my heart is heavy and my mind is stressed…but deep down I know, I know…He will.

July 5, 2013

“I had a moment, and then it was gone…thank God.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Divorce, Uncategorized
Leave a Comment

You grow up with these traditional values, morals, beliefs…and then one day every single one of them is shaken. You find yourself questioning every moment with each and every breath. The confidence that defined who I was, was gone and to be honest I can’t even pin point when it was lost. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I gotta tell ya, that in itself is more frightening to me than death itself.
I thrived on my confidence.
When my ex husband bounced out the door I chose to handle it in a way that was different from every other time before. I didn’t follow after him.
My whole life I’ve heard all these words that described me and for the life of me not one single word was “weak.” In a month it will be exactly one year to the date he left.
One year to the date I took a breath.
No more egg shells.
No more having to second guess every bit of who I am and under no circumstances whatsoever having to explain the smallest to the biggest choices I made. From what I bought at the grocery store to why I couldn’t stick to a diet…
Oh my goodness…
I feel great.
But then it happened. One letter to FINALLY get what I deserved for once. My letter of closure. I should have seen it coming, that small tiny light of remorse coming from his soul. I should have reminded myself right then, he no longer has one.
He let it go a long, long time ago.
Who the hell knows? Maybe it’s my old traditions growing up “one life, one wife” or perhaps all of the 80’s chick flicks with Molly Ringwald, but I fell for it. In that one moment, I was weak. I opened myself up.
And guess what happened?
Insults, stupid exaggerations of a truth only to be real in his “I’m never wrong” head. Again, making it about ME not being good enough…questioning who I am. AGAIN. Has he learned nothing at all? Even at the bottom of what appears to be his darkess hour and yet emotional abuse creeps through. The next day there I was…scrubing my walls, vacuuming at least three times, telling myself my apartment is dirty. There’s so much laundry to get done…oh man, I can’t relax, I can’t relax. Then all of a sudden it dawned on me. Wow, he’s going through that stage just like I said he would. Hating his life again, being miserable and needing someone to blame for it. I took the bait.
For one brief moment. I was right back to questioning my self worth. All because he’s miserable. It’s been a year, and just as I told him before, “in a year from now, you’ll still be miserable.” Here he stands and there it is…misery.
It took 24hrs for me to shrug it off. The fact he has all he said he needed and yet, still…miserable…and yet again, it’s still not his fault…LMFAO….I almost fell right back into questioning whether or not I’m good enough. Doing anything and everything to be good enough. How freakin’ sick! I now know that everything I have told him is true. No matter if he ever gets it, I KNOW IT and that’s truly is all that matters. The real truth is, HE is the one not good enough. The Bible says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. He will never be that man. He’s incapable of it. His pride, arrogance and God complex will never allow it. But that’s okay…my moment has passed and I made it through. I feel…wonderful. My apartment is coming along. My kids are happy again. I’m happy again and when 5pm hits the clock, none of us are anxious and nervous about how clean the house is before the front door opens… The posters on my wall, my incense, my memories of who I was at 16 filled with fire and passion…finally is there to meet me at 41. I had one moment, and he had a chance, but he blew it…for good.

So long sucka!

CHERyL~ “My futures so bright I gotta wear shades yO….”

June 16, 2013

“Here’s To You Dad…”

Posted by Gesuschic under Meet Tom And Wanda
Leave a Comment

My dad…sigh…he was a good man. Far from being perfect, just like everyone he had his flaws and demons.
He was a son.
A husband.
A dad.
A grandfather.
A Marine 🙂
To the world he was very private, reserved and quiet. To some he was even intimidating. But that was if you were judging a book by the cover of course. To those who knew him, really knew him…they would all agree that my dad never met a stranger. He laughed often, wore his heart right there on his sleeve for the whole world to see. He was a man who showed emotion although taught and raised not to. People say all the time how I look just like my dad but act just like my mom, haha But that’s only part true.
I get my deepest most heartfelt characteristics from my dad. I love with absolutely no boundaries whatsoever… When I love someone, there is no depth for the loyalties I carry for them in my soul. Even when hurt beyond pain, my heart will always find forgiveness beyond the scars. My strength and ability to keep moving on regardless of every circumstance coming towards me like a strong wind on the coldest day of the universe. My passion for the underdog and willingness to be a friend to anyone willing to share a smile, no matter their status, looks, faith, age or gender…That’s all my dad in me. Those things he taught me, those values he placed into my life were never done so by one spoken word. Yet only by the actions I watched as a child, youth, teenager, adult… He was a damn good man. I love him, I miss him.
The other unusual thing about my dad was the fact that no matter what was happening, his family was always on the forefront of his mind.
Even while standing at the thresh-hold of his very own death.
As much as I blog about my parents it dawned on me I have never really went into detail and told anyone about the last day my father was alive. So to all of you who knew my dad, and to those who didn’t, here’s the story of what all happened that sad beautiful day in December…
The phone rang, I was changing Ezra’s diaper and the machine came on. “Tommie-Girl..we need to go downtown today but before then I wanna grab lunch. Whenever you’re ready but I’d like to go around two. I love ya kiddo…bye.”
It wasn’t even 45 minutes later that Serenity came running up the stairs. (we lived in a duplex. side by side but there was a connecting stairway inside our two homes. My parents downstairs and Angel and I lived upstairs) “Mommy, Grandpa fell down and Mammy needs your help really fast.” I went downstairs and through their living room towards the dining area I could hear my mom’s voice…it didn’t sound right. I knew she was scared. Oddly I thought it was because she hadn’t felt well herself for the past few days. I figured it was stress I heard in her shaken words. I look back on it now and I’m convinced I was in denial. You see, my dad had been in remission for 13 months from brain cancer. a week before Thanksgiving he had fallen at the grocery store and long story short the cancer had come back, one giant tumor on the left side of his brain and it brought along two friends. They had given my dad 3-6 months to live if he decided on no chemo. Which he did.
“Dad? (he was sitting up at this point, in their food pantry) Did you get dizzy?”
I started to grab him under his arms and he grabbed my hands…looked me right in my face. “Tommie-Girl, I don’t have much time. I need you to listen.” “stop it, I can get you up.” (He grabbed my hands again) “Baby! I need you to listen. I’m having a seizure, it’s bad. I have a bag with all my medication in the drawer by my bed. You’ll need to bring it to the hospital. My will is in the same drawer bring that as well.” I started to cry…I said “I’m scared.” “Peanut, no time for being scared right now. I need you to listen. My words will begin to get jumbled any second so I have to talk fast. There is a brown envelope next to my wallet in the kitchen. It has the gas bill and the money for it. You gotta get that money order, mail it today, no matter what.” He said something…I couldn’t understand. I shook my head no…he started using his hands to describe what he wanted to say. It was the phone. He hadn’t yet called 911…I called. I told them to “PLEASE HURRY…I think my dad is dying.” Angel came running downstairs asking what to do…”Keep the kids upstairs.” I shouted. Charlie was asking “what’s wrong with Grandpa?” My dad told him “I love you.” That’s the last thing Charlie heard my dad say to him. “Dad? Let me get my shoes, I’ll ride in the ambulance with you. I wanna make sure everything’s okay so you can come home sooner than later.” I started to go, he grabbed my arm, he looked at me. Paused…smiled…”Tommie-Girl. I’m not coming back home. This is it, I’m dying. I need you to understand.” “Dad, what…what do I do…?” “I need you to drive your car. Bring the will and my medicines. Baby, you need to be there before me. I need you to be there for your momma. She won’t be able to pull that plug…” he started stuttering…his words were mixed up and jumbled…then he said “I need you and Angel to take care of your Mom okay? She’s going to need you and I need to know you’re going to be there for her, strong, okay?” The paramedics knocked on the front door. They walk in, my dad turns and says “I’ll walk out to the ambulance please…” There were four of them. They all looked puzzled. I said “Dad, wait. I love you so much.”
When I got to the hospital I was right behind my dad…The doctor came out. “Mrs. Morales, your father is having a grandma seizure. He walked in here, telling me exactly what was about to go down. I’ve never seen anything like it…he’s barley speaking but wants to see you right away.” I brush back the curtain, my dad is reaching out his hand to me. Smiling, not one single tear in his eyes. He struggles to speak, grabs my hand with his both his hands and says: “aww baby…don’t be sad, I love you too…so much.” That was the last time I spoke to my dad. He hung on for another 12 hours, long enough for his brother to get in from Cinnci. Everyone said their good-byes. My Uncle went to get some air, his wife. Maggie went to the restroom, Pastor Dave convinced me to get some food so he and I went down to Wendy’s and my mom was there, with my dad…humming his favorite hymns and while it was just the two of them he drifted off to go be with Jesus, his mom, his dad…My dad went home.

“I can be cured of this cancer. It would be an awesome testimony. I could die a month from now, go to Heaven and have a complete healing from this cancer. Either way, God is good and I have no complaints, no matter what, I win.” ~Thomas David Ingram~ (last thing said after sharing his testimony at the Calvary Chapel Men’s Prayer Breakfast November 2002)
SELAH~

Thomas David Ingram May 8th 1944~December 12th 2002

May 7, 2013

Song in my head…constantly.

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life | Tags: Fate, Hope, Love |
Leave a Comment

The song speaks for itself, (and for me). No matter what life throws at me, I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. It’s in my nature and I refuse to allow any circumstance beyond my control to change that about me.

Someday,
Cheryl~