Gesuschic

My Baby Girl,
  I’m amazed you’re 15 years old. Tossed and turned all night at the fact you aren’t a baby anymore but a beautiful young woman full of passion. You are more than what you realize. I know the past few years have been unkind to say the least but laughing with you has made every second a renewed fresh breath of hope. I love you so very much. The day I found out I was pregnant with you, your dad went out and bought these pink booties with silk laces, lol I said “we don’t even know if it’s a girl!” But your dad was convinced! You were the best pregnancy I ever had! I was full of energy, always laughing and feeling great. YOU made me that way. It was as if I felt like an entirely different person all for the best. That’s never changed my precious Belle. You light up my world.
Ren brought me strength….
Charlie changed my world…
You, my darling Hanja, renewed my joy.
My sunshine.
You are destined for a purpose Hanja Belle. Don’t ever forget or question that.
The cord around your neck would have taken you, but God intervened and gave you a gift, a special gift Hanja.
Life…Don’t ever waste it. You have special and amazing spiritual gifts that are crazy extrodanary. Do not EVER allow anyone to take away the purpose, meaning and from who they came from.
You were born on a day that people celebrate love for a reason.
Because your acceptance of others and the ability to identify with their pain is effortless. You can see things in people they can’t see themselves. You can speak words of wisdom over people more intense than any spiritual leader I’ve ever known! Hanja, the spirit realm feels the authority you have and that is why the enemy is always lurking about for you. He knows you’re a threat. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t let anyone ever talk you out of your strong rooted beliefs in Jesus. Your history with God, even at 15 is stellar! Blows me away thinking at everything you’ve been through.
God and God alone has surrounded you with favor and protection because the spirit realm is ready for war and you have been preparing for this your whole life. Not to sound crazy to the world (which I don’t care!) But Bella, you know these things are facts. I know you get scared and panic can take over, but in those moments the enemy will try to whisper defeat, you need to reach in the depths of your lineage from the legacy from where you came and was raised and remind the enemy YOU WERE CREATED WITH PURPOSE. That will NEVER change. No matter how far you feel or how weird and chaotic our life may get, Hanja, you STILL have purpose…favor…and meaning for the life you were given. I LOVE YOU. To the moon and back ALWAYS. My beautiful baby girl. No matter how old you get, you will be my baby girl always. I see nothing but a future when I look at you. Not just for yourself but to those you come across in your life. People who are meant to be there forever or but a season…you will be their glimmer of hope and love for a future. That is YOUR main gift Hanja.
You are joy, hope, love and laughter.
I hope you have a beautiful birthday today.
My Bella-Boo,
My Hanja,
My baby love….

Stay Safe Always,
Momma

Dear Serenity,
How can I ever make you believe that you are beautiful?
If I could take my eyes and by some miracle God make it to where you could see yourself from my view.
My sweet beautiful girl…
Today you are twenty-one years old and my only wish is that your Grandparents were here to see the amazing woman you have become. Your incredible ability to let things roll off your back and move on without a flinch. You definitely don’t get that from me. We are complete opposites you and I. We are so different yet you are without a doubt my very best friend. The person I run to when I’m sad, the person I want to celebrate with, laugh with, cry and vent too.
You’re my rock baby girl.
You always have been.
You were barely six years old when I had my first anxiety attack in a Wal-Mart, lol I couldn’t find my money and I started panicking. You grabbed my hand “Momma it’s okay…it’s okay…Just calm down…” Do you remember? In a lot of ways it wasn’t fair that I was more of the child and you were the parent and for that I will never be able to apologize enough. So many hidden truths friends and family will never know that you hide in your heart out of love, protection and loyalty to our relationship as mother and daughter, and friends.
I only ask that you believe me when I say not ANY of it goes unnoticed.
You were the strongest little girl.
Brave, bold, secure in your own self.
Even at 6 years old you were my example.
Those characteristics are still there my beautiful baby girl. You just need to look deeper within yourself because life can have that way about it, where you grow older and tend to lose who you used to be. Sometimes it can be a good thing or a bad thing.
You are still brave.
Still bold.
Still confident in who you are.
My hope for you today is that you remember that.
I wish I could have been a better role model to you but I failed, lol But in spite of who I was as a mother you grew into this amazing woman with a strength and ability to read people and situations and see it for what it truly is and call it out on its bullshit or praise it for its indifference.
People say I’m a good writer but if only you would show them the REAL writer of the family and blow their minds with your imagination for worlds nobody would ever dream of until you brought them into an existence.
My soft-spoken child with a wild side.
Don’t allow the world to tame you. There is no reason to let this world intimidate you into being who you were never meant to be. You have a voice. There are people who need to hear it. You have so much to say and as a strong, vibrant woman there is no doubt in my mind that one day you’ll find it again and be the greatness you were DESTINED to be.
My beautiful Serenity…My calm before the storm. You have stepped up and taken care of this family more than anyone will ever know except for the five of us;) Your brothers know it. Your sister recognizes it. I can’t imagine where we would be without you.
You are one of the absolute greatest loves of my life, Ren.
Please know that.
Believe it.
I know it’s your birthday today. But you have given more to me than you will ever realize. Every year on this day I remember what an absolute gift God chose to bless me with when I had you. And even to this very day you were my sunshine, and the most precious and beautiful baby girl I had ever seen.

I love you more…
Mom

 I can’t take everything that has happened to me from when my heart was broken, and make that the foundation for my life in the here and now. It would be pointless. Just like the man who chose to build his house on the sand. It’s shaky ground to begin with. Therefore destined to fall apart and wither away even before the rain begins.
It’s funny really, how quickly life moves but yet, there are days that feel as though it took lifetimes to get through. As long as I live I will never understand how the circle of life has no filter in how fast or slow it moves, only that it does.
A man can drive himself bat shit crazy wondering where he’ll be from one year to the next. But there comes a point where you have to root yourself and begin again. Stop looking at your life as though you’re keeping score because your only battle will eventually be with your own army of self. I’ve let it be known that this year my kids and I will be settled with our own place. A definite fact, that is going to happen. However, to say this will be the year I find love again, peace in my soul and anything else my worn out spirit truly needs, would be like starting a timer attached to a ticking time clock and racing towards a reality that just might not even be breathed into any existence yet. Not that I’m never open to any of those possibilities.
I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be at 42 years old… between you, me and this blog, that REALLY bothered me. It was starting to tear me down and began to change my whole entire perspective.  Life has its way man….sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes, well, it’s shitty and cruel.
In 2012 my marriage crumbled without any warning. A man I vowed to, in front of family, friends and God almighty to love and honor until death did us part took the very core of my entire being and with one statement crushed every ounce of validity I had in my own self built confidence; “I want a divorce.”
Life can be cruel man.
But with every step forward (even the steps back, lol) you have to relax and take a deep breath and move on.
In the Spring of 2014 I held my son Charlie in a Speedway parking lot at Midnight as he broke down in my arms and sobbed after I told him Rich Fout died. I was Charlie’s age when I first met Rich. I could never ever imagine losing him then. But one thing is for certain, whether you live or simply choose to exist, regardless, life…will continue on. Your pain from life bashing you in the balls cannot be the foundation for you to begin again. That pain itself can stir an emotion up inside of you that nobody will understand and awaken a resilience inside of you but the pain…it’ll eventually subside. But what came from it, will stay. Your will doesn’t have to break. You can be refined by fire, renewed, refreshed and made ready for the next chapter. It’s almost as euphoric as diving into a pool of fresh water on a hot summer day and bursting up to take a breath. Nothing at that moment feels so refreshing to your body. I wish I could say that the close of last year brought answers to the big questions on life, but it didn’t. However it did teach one major thing. That my happiness is refined over and over and it’s my choice whether or not I engage in the laughter or the tears.
Well…I ain’t no punk~ass bitch. And I absolutely LOVE…to laugh.

Stay Vulnerable,
CHERyL

Two years and four months since he left our home.
Yet still, here I am trying to get back on my feet.
To some people that should be more than enough time but everyone is different and things can run one of two ways, smoothly…and not smoothly, haha
I can only go as fast as life will allow me. Ya know, after he left, the kids and I did pretty good our first year alone. Yeah we were devastated to say the least, but we made it through that whole first year. But then I lost my job…then…with that…our home…and then our gypsy life began.
The kindness of friends and strangers has blown me away. I can honestly sit here and think of everything my church family, friends and complete strangers has done for the kids and I and in a matter of seconds tears will begin to fall down my face. 
But sometimes the bad things have a way of overshadowing the good. I don’t think I’ll ever know if God is in fact teaching me a lesson, I have pissed Him off, or…for some people life will always be a struggle. I tend to believe it’s probably a bit of all three.
I come from a family of survivors. Sitting back remembering the story’s of my mom’s childhood, I didn’t grasp how truly strong and amazing she was to even make it through. My dad…same way. His three tours of duty in Viet Nam…OMG…
My mom being hit on by some motor cycle leader and taken “down to the river” when she rejected him…
My pops mistakenly looked upon as dead, being thrown in the back of a truck with all of his dead platoon…I can’t even. Two of my brothers diagnosed HIV Positive in their mid 20’s…
Survivors.
In their own way, they all faced their demons and learned to live with and tame them.
Leave it to me to be the last girl standing and being completely dumb and clueless. It’s like being in a family of over achievers and not graduating high school. (which I too, never did) But that first year my husband bounced out on me, I was doing it. I had an apartment, for the first time in my life a matching living room set, pictures of my babies on the wall, an Ohio State Buckeye flag, complete with an area rug and flat screen television…life was good. Then…BOOM. I lost my job, blah, blah, blah….
So technically it’s been a year and four months.
STRUGGLE.
Survivor to surviving in literally, an instant.
Fuck my damn life.
I see the little glare at the end of this warped dark tunnel though. I’m almost afraid to even allow myself to become excited. But how can I not? What would that say to the legacy of survivors I’m left to represent? Holding my glass half full and forcing smiles to the world around me…Adventure, risk and laughter is how my family lived and came at life. My parents never adapted to change, they simply loved anyone, everyone…and made change adapt to their rules. I’m trying so hard to be that example to my own kids. But man, it’s so hard. To get back on your feet while trying to live life and create a laid back atmosphere at the same time I can hear my own demons getting a kick from every set back, every shed tear, every relationship and friendship that’s severed and not to mention the anger I have towards God. I feel as though I’ve been treading oceans and this is all new to me. I don’t know how to deal. I’m spinning…withering…
But another year is about to burst through and I’m okay with hoping good things will come busting through right along with it. This new job is enough, just enough for the kids and I to begin again. I can’t help to think though, why we’re not enough for some people. My own heart has been crushed and broken two times too many, my babies have a skewed view of friends and family, we’re nervous. The kids and I are a bit scared to breathe because so much loss has happened with us. I have to take this lead though. I have to step up and start being more vocal about the good things that are happening and stop dwelling on the bad. I can’t outrun my shadow, and my demons will always haunt me, but I can certainly keep marching to the tune of MY OWN drum.
It may take longer than most but who cares…? Nobody matters but the four people who call me mom. The little things matter to us. The things we long for most people have.
Our own living room.
A couch.
Beds…
A place to call home. A place we can retreat at, rest, relax, laugh, blow off steam, be ourselves…
It’s in arms reach.
And trust me…even if this last mile I have to crawl, I’m grabbing a hold of the new year and as it comes in I’m gonna collide right smack into it on my own wrecking ball! (that’s right Miley Cyrus, MY wrecking ball)
I’m not picture perfect. I get it.
I’m exhausted. Spiritually numb. Angry…Everything I have no right to be.
But my roots run deep.
I have strength deeper than any ocean, I still believe, and I find moments to laugh.
This too shall pass…
So there you all have it. My new year new me blog post.
This time next year I have no idea where I’ll be but I can honestly say that wherever I am, I’ll be holding the trophy of a SURVIVOR.

Everyone my age has a big house, career, married…and I’m over here starting my life yet again.
I’m the biggest happy go lucky person you’ll ever come across in life. I have always found reason to look at any and every glass I’ve been handed, as half full. No matter what cracks may be lurking beneath.
But man, here lately this do over has been blowing chunks in reverse wind. I’ve been finding it harder and harder not to become bitter. Not necessarily with people, but more so with myself. If I could take a moment and somehow kick my own ass I totally would, haha
My oldest son is sixteen years old, and I was working at Wal-Mart when I got pregnant with him.
Well…Here I am…
Again.
I’m so thankful for the job, but man…It’s more humbling than you think.
I had a place. I was a supervisor, life was good. Then the ground shifted and I truly tried my best. In my heart I know I tried. I gave it my best and for awhile I did it. But then…
Right on my ass I fell.
When starting over everyone is so encouraging, at first. After awhile though, life keeps blasting you with snowballs made from damn ice and you go to get up and right back on the ice you go! People get annoyed. They have their own time frames for how long it should take people to “get back up on their feet.” It’s the most stressful thing in the entire world. Especially when it’s not anything you’ve done wrong really. It’s just a case of…bullshit luck. Someone once said to me: “You are where you are today, because of the choices you made yesterday.”
Well…That’s not fair. And what an awful terrible thing to say to someone when they’re down.
If you look at yourself no matter where you are in life, and ponder on “if only I did that…” Or “I wonder if I had…” That to me, creates a bondage mind set and can have the potential of holding you spiritually hostage to a past that is there for a reason.
Who knows if I had left my ex husband the first time he cheated on me, where I’d be right now?
Who knows if I had listened to my dad and NEVER married him to begin with?
Who knows?
Who cares?
What good does that do for anyone to think like that?
The Bible says ⁸ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8 kjv) Now THAT is what I need more of. Not some jumbo crap of choices I’ve made being the reason I’m here again, the bottom. I just refuse to believe that. I made a choice to honor my marriage…was it the wrong choice?
I don’t care.
At that time, I did what I truly felt in my heart was the right choice. Period. The end. I won’t look at my past that way, and I most certainly will NOT look at my future that way neither.
Why?
Because I will drive myself insane by second guessing myself. I’ve made great choices in life, I’ve made terrible ones too. And guess what?
I will again, haha
Does it suck making half the money I need, to be able for my children and I to finally have a home of our own again?
You already fuckin’ know it man.
Does it suck to have your children being moved over and over and not establish any roots anywhere?
YES!
Does it suck knowing the person who LEFT YOU has those things and it’s been a CONSTANT battle for you to just get started again???
More than ANYONE will EVER know, YES.
But to me, what would be worse than ALL of those things combined?
Having my mind spinning with regret of thinking: “did I” or “did I not” make the right choice?
NEVER knowing if you had chose a different path, that your burdens of today would be lighter…or more heavy.
We worry over tomorrow as if the good Lord promises it to us.
I’m so tired man.
My body hurts. My knee’s are kicking my ass. I’m always broke. And if it could happen to anyone, it happens to me, lol But dammit I’M HERE.
I’M STILL HERE!
Whether I’m sassy, angry, happy, bitter, bored or mad…I’M HERE.
There’s only ONE choice that can change that and hey man, I come from a lineage of survivors. (notice I did NOT say victims.) So here I am, again. The bottom. Starting over. I’m a l’il worn from beating bitterness in the ass, it’s an everyday battle. But everyday I keep going. I keep moving. I get knocked backwards sometime, but I stay focused, stay strong, stay the mother fucking course. And remember one important fact. I was here once before. Who am I kidding, a few times before, lol And I made it through. I’ve been through some craziness the past few years that would have BROKEN the average person.
But I wasn’t born to be average, lol And I’m not about to start now.
So as I sit and blog delirious in pain, exhaustion and a little bitter 😉 I’ll close my eyes, sleep and tomorrow get up and do it all over again because being at the bottom…Only means there’s one other direction I can go.
So even though I may appear to be a tragedy, don’t count me out yet, I’m still breathing!
I’M STILL BREATHING!!! Can ANYONE hear me? So listen, if you’re like me. And you’re crawling your way through hell again, STAY THE COURSE. BE ENCOURAGED, and if you’re reading this, guess what? YOU too are STILL here, STILL breathing. Do what you need. But don’t allow bitterness to stay too long.
Cry.
Laugh.
Be angry.
But keep going…keep going man.

Seleh,
CHERyL

Well, the last time I blogged I was in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I had picked up my entire family; My kids, my cats, packed everything up in Big Green and set off to start a new life. Happily Metal After.
As usual things can never be that easy for me, ever.
I have to learn every single lesson the hardest way imaginable because I am the most strong willed person anyone can ever meet. But only when I’m told I can’t or shouldn’t do something. It’s as if my inner brat at 4 years old comes to life and it becomes my mission in life to prove all the “haters” wrong. It usually doesn’t take long for pride to trip me up and I fall flat on my face and realize how much of a dumb ass I am though.
Praise God for such good and FAITHFUL friends.
Once again though I’m at the mercy of a dear friend and I’ve never felt more safe and secluded in my life. I love it here. She’s one of my best friends. I owe her my life, literally. Her and my Pastor.
Matt Rice from Life Church Columbus is one of the best men I have ever known in my LIFE. He’s pure gold. No, he’s not perfect. I by no means throw my Pastor on a pedestal and look at him through rose colored glasses. He has his flaws like the rest of the universe but he doesn’t hide them, he’s real. He completely gets the fact we’re all just broken pieces trying to find our way back together and the major thing that sets him apart from the rest of the “men of the cloth…” is that he hasn’t lost his passion for the lost, hurting, and broken, and with that being said he keeps the golden rule; Love them right where they’re at. I’m blessed to be able to call my Pastor my friend.
So, here I am. Back in the amazing BUCKEYE STATE. Jamming to the Alabama Shakes. Drinking my beverage of choice ~ milk/pepsi 😉 Burning incense and starting over…again. But it’s okay man.
You live and you learn. Adventures are good. Well, for the most part they are. Haha!
How boring would life be if you just stood on the side of the pool watching everyone else dive in and having fun? Meanwhile your fear of cold water is keeping you from existing. I decided to take a chance, choosing the adventure and dive in. Turns out the water in Indiana sucked 😉
Too many sharks wanting to devour your soul, ya feel me?
We’ll just leave it at that and move on. At least I can look back on this as a learned lesson, making me wiser through my experience and not looking back in question of “should I have…” Or “What if I’d…”
The main thing I was reminded of though. Through this whole crazy adventure and life experience is this simple truth (And trust me, I would NOT lie to ya!). Don’t ever think it can work with someone who is an unbeliever. I compromised my beliefs and that is the very thing that has always grounded me. My roots run deep. I lost that for the sake of thinking this was best for my family. PA…..LEEEZE…The ONLY thing that will EVER benefit my fruitcake family of five is WAITING ON GOD. Don’t rush it…Do NOT RUSH YOUR LIFE. God is completely in control man. Don’t attempt to get ahead of Him. He’s God, duh! I feel like I’m right in the middle of something. I have no idea what, but it’s something. Why am I here? Why are we all here? My friends, we are here for one thing and one thing only. Everybody has a plan and purpose beautifully etched out by God. Sometimes the plan and future of it, is totally mapped out for us. But hey man, sometimes, it just isn’t. For some of us our plan and purpose is given to us as we walk through our journey. There are REASONS for that! Maybe you’re like me. You look at the plan drawn out and you get pissy thinking; “Oh no…God, that is NOT gonna work for me.” Keep in mind, the bible is full of Cheryl’s. One of them ended up in a belly of a fish for three days. Trust me…getting spit back up sucks. You’re stinky, you feel like an ass, you gotta start all over again…Trust me, whether you know your future or you don’t, just wait and follow God. His plan. His purpose. He’s a good God. I may have stumbled back down the side of the mountain a bit. But He allowed me to catch myself.
Regroup and refocus is what I’m doing. And although I’m a complete tragedy once again. I feel like God is merciful as always, with me being here, and covering me, and allowing me to feel totally settled.
But hey man, with a crazy kid like me to watch over, God has no other choice than to swoop down, consume me and whisper ever so gently…”I told you, I got this.”

SELAH….
CHERyL