April 28, 2012

“It’s Okay!”

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October 7th 2010

 
Standing in the boat in the middle of a storm looking out at Jesus I don’t know if I would have EVER stepped out into the sea like Peter did.
Waves crashing along side the boat, the howling winds blowing so strong…I can’t imagine how scary that would have been.
Once he stepped out he was totally vulnerable.
Then I think how my Mother raised me to be. I have always been that person who takes steps in unknown territory!
My whole life I’ve walked around with a glass that to the world may SEEM half empty but to me, has always been nothing BUT half full.
Laughing when everything around me is in complete chaos and toasting my cup to the world with a big “PISS OFF!”
It’s frightening to wear your heart at the end of your sleeve because it leaves you open to vulnerabilities, very true! It’s so much easier to become hurt, lose at love, feel pain of a broken heart and fall into a desperate sadness.
However, closing yourself up to all of those same emotions leave you lonely. Staying fearful to vulnerabilities can keep you from truly falling in love,  Or being overwhelmed with complete joy or even experiencing life to it’s fullest extent!
Why would you risk all of those things simply because you are scared to open yourself up and breathe in life?
Being to afraid to take a step into the unknown.
TODAY IS THE DAY you should promise yourself to LIVE….because you aren’t afraid to.
Everything for me is a learning process. Once you have been inside yourself for so long for one reason or another you need to give yourself time to speak up…then move on to laughing out loud…finding yourself and eventually being COMFORTABLE with yourself. And if you get hurt you get hurt, you fall off the horse you don’t let it run off, you get up, wipe off, grab the saddle and get right back on. If you don’t, you’ll regret it forever. The whole theory about if you’ve never had something you won’t ever miss it, is a complete lie. You will miss living your life…something inside of you will NEVER be right.
Being scared to TRY is alot easier than being angry for not trying.
People will always try and knock you down but you can’t allow that to be the final say in your own life.
It shouldn’t be the deciding factor on whether or not you are going to let yourself be who you are. Being yourself is the best gift you can ever give to yourself, your future husband/wife…children, friends ect…Now staying TRUE to all of that is a whole different blog (LOL!) But for now…the very first step is to just know it’s OKAY to BE vulnerable. It’s OKAY to glide into unknown territory that once had yellow tape across it that read CAUTION and at the very least replace it with a “proceed with caution” either way…PROCEED.

Selah,
CHERyL~

 

April 28, 2012

“It’s Always There.”

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October 10th 2010

 
That crazy feeling that everyone and anyone is out to get you.
It just happens.
Your whole life you stand and believe that one day all of the efforts you have put into action will finally grant you acceptance. But then cold, harsh reality sets in and once again life and it’s cruel little minions remind you that it just will never be possible.
No matter the reason, it could be the way you look, the style of clothing you wear, your smile just isn’t right or you just don’t look the part of what acceptance is in the eyes of other people.
You try your best not to allow it to bother you but it’s simply impossible because out of all the differences people in the world have, the one thing that remains is…EVERYONE needs to feel like they are accepted.
And when you aren’t…you feel as though you are the loneliest person in the world. It takes a toll on everything around you.
Your job,
your children,
your husband,
even how you view yourself…
Screaming at the top of every roof “YOUR OPINIONS WILL NOT DEFINE ME!” However deep inside your soul you and God know that it most certainly does.
And no matter how many showers you take the faucet can never pour out enough water to clean the emptiness you are tortured with so you just stand there, leaning against the wall with your hands on your face and cry and cry and cry….
It’s worse that those you are surrounded by the most don’t even see it…or is it that they don’t really care to?
Life is cruel.
The people who mattered most, who loved you the most, who accepted you…always were stricken and stolen way to soon and you are just left wondering why?
What have you done that was ever so bad to leave you like this? Feeling lost, abandoned and unaccepted with no one to understand, relate or sympathize.
But yet you have no choice but to move forward.
All you can do is tuck away the sad, broken heart and crushed spirit and place very slowly one step in front of the other.
Regardless if you are ever to be loved and accepted for the person you are it’s completely irrelevant with you to just…keep…moving…

Selah…

CHERyL~

 

April 28, 2012

“I Could Hear Them Laugh With Me.”

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I WROTE THIS BLOG ON OCTOBER 13TH 2010.

 
 I couldn’t do it. With my breath held and fingers clinched to my steering wheel I couldn’t get off of the exit ramp that lead to the house I grew up in as a child. I drove right past it and my eyes were filling with salt water by the time I got off of the next exit to turn around. 
As I approached the stop light to turn right towards forgetting what I was trying to do I decided to go straight through it, right to the curve around that long stretch of road that lead to my old neighborhood. I past the place where three generations of my family would vote and volunteered at the polls every election…a little further and it was the grocery store that I would ride my bike to or walk with my brother to get “little mugs” for fifty cents. My heart was pounding right out of my chest. I’ve only driven through this old familiar neighborhood a total of three times since the death of my parents and every time was harder than the last, this time was no exception. 
With every look at something I tried to remember a time or conversation with my mom and dad…I miss them. 
They were indeed the strongest people I ever knew. 
When my father was stricken with his brain cancer so quickly he never once did not think positive or allow me to see him cry.
He was so strong.
Just like a Marine.
Even to the very end…In the midst of his seizure as he was trying desperately to get out his last words to me they weren’t anything about fear, or sadness…Only concern and sadness for what my mom, brothers, sister and I were about to go through from losing him. 
“I can die tomorrow Tommie-Girl and be with Jesus, or I can be healed and stay here with you all…either way baby, it’s a win-win.” He would say that all of the time as if to try and comfort me with a hidden agenda of preparation for his death. However you are NEVER prepared for the death of a parent. Especially so soon after a diagnosis. 
My mom was the same way. 
The sicker she became the more at peace she seemed to be. 
As long as I live I will never know how she did it. 
Smiles all around for her, always, always. I can’t even count how many times I would sit at her bedside and just cry as her memory became more and more distant of who my husband was, my children and soon myself… I would read her the bible and every so often she would put her hands over mine and look me in the face with such a gentleness no words could ever describe or feeling explained. 
She was so beautiful. 
Even for as sick as she was she NEVER lost that beauty, her joy…
She would wipe my face from my tears and say “it’s okay…it’s okay Tommie-Girl…I love you, I love you.” I would try to explain; “Mom…” and she would never let me finish before saying “no, no..now c’mon, be happy.” 
Sitting at the doctor’s today I was so overwhelmed and yet thinking about it, what I am facing is so crazy minimal in comparison to what they both endured.  I’m almost ashamed to say I’ve been crying all day over this stupid diagnosis of Crohns but I just can’t help it. I’m obviously not as strong as my parents, I’m so scared. I have no clue as to the road set before me, no one can give me a straight answer only that I’m “more ill than they thought.” 
What does that even mean?
Feeling sorry for myself is not an option but I can’t help but to weep for my mom and long for her to say it’s going to be okay or my pops telling me we will get through this together…I would like to say I have no bitterness but that would be a bold face lie.
I am angry.
It has not been long enough to get past this grief I have to deal with this Crohns Disease. 
Friendships that are as the wind, broken heart, struggle, frustration, sadness I do NOT have time for this right now. 
Am I losing my mind? 
I keep smiling, I keep moving forward, I look at my glass half full always…Yet I am so  so very tired. 
All I know is that I came from good stock as they say 🙂 
I will eventually see the light at the end of this long drawn out tunnel and be able to smile through it all and laugh…laugh with such passion my family will hear me all the way in Heaven. 
I just wish…for one moment, one small private moment I could hear them laugh with me.
 
Selah~
CHERyL
 

April 24, 2012

All About Me

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Turning 40 was a big deal for me. Not in the way any of you are thinking but in a “sigh of relief” kind of way. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think I would be where I’m at in life today. For some odd reason I never seen myself as being married and a mother of 4. I always thought my parents would still be alive at this stage in my life as well as my brothers and sister. Never in my life would I have imagined what life gave to me instead. I love being a mom. It’s the best job I’ve ever had and the hardest but yet most rewarding. I wouldn’t change it for ANYTHING.

Married life is just as crazy. You have your ups and your downs but the key is to never stop laughing with your spouse. People are so quick to call it quits but a good marriage, a REALLY good marriage will wade through the worst and eventually the best will find its way back to you. It’s all about consistency. When one of you can’t be the stronger one of you need to step it up until they are. It’s work, but the marriages that last 5 or more decades will tell you…”For better OR worse…”  and MEAN it.

Being raised Southern Baptist certain traditions have followed me into my adult life but turning 40 and going through the past 6 1/2 years I realize I need to start over with my relationship with Jesus. It’s not about me and other people but just HIM and I. Things I was taught and learned need to be re-evaluated and prayed through. I’m okay with that. Because I know God is faithful. You’re never too old to learn and grow spiritually.

I’m pretty Conservative although I’ve been told I have very Liberal edges and I embrace that. My Political views and opinions have gotten me into some heated conversation and I’m prone to speaking my mind even if I’m the ONLY one who thinks a certain way. I’m all for gun rights, equal rights (for EVERYONE) flat rate tax, I’m VERY ANTI~ABORTION and I stand my ground with that, I may not participate in illegal substances. However, I’m all for the legalization of certain ones. Supporting small businesses, having MAJOR welfare reform, and cutting ridiculous Government spending. I could go on and on. I’m not a fan of either Political party and I feel as though America for so long has voted for a political party when in fact we need to simply vote for a President period.

My heart is completely worn right there on my sleeve. Everything you see is exactly what you will get and I’m okay with that too. Does it leave me vulnerable? Absolutely. For a long time I closed myself  off to that and it was a HUGE mistake. When you shut yourself off to the things that make you, you, there is so much of yourself you lose that eventually when you decide to go back to the REAL you’ll need to regain all of that confidence you tossed out simply because of fear of being OPEN. Hurting sucks. But being loved, laughing with people, enjoying life  from the littlest of things to the biggest of things is worth that vulnerability. Believe me, it totally is.

Last…Music. I ADORE it…Everything from southern gospel to hardcore heavy metal there is NOTHING I won’t listen to. Every so often I’ll even listen to techno (Shhhh…Don’t tell my husband!)

So there you all have it. A tad bit about me. I hope I haven’t worried you or scared you 😉 I hope you follow me I promise I won’t look at you strange for making that move towards this crazy nut who blogs at random about anything. It’s life…Let’s learn to live it together.

Selah~

 

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