Gesuschic

WRITTEN: July 23rd 2011

 I remember the neighbor down the street from us died. He was a mean old man never smiled or offered a hello to anyone. 
Everyone was going to his funeral, including my mom. 
I was confused when I didn’t see my dad getting dressed and asked if he was going with us to pay his respects. “For what?” he asked me…I shrugged my shoulders and said “I don’t really know I guess.”
As a former Marine who served three tours of duty in Viet Nam my father was never at a loss for words or telling you exactly as he saw it. 
I stood there not really knowing what to say and my dad looked at me and said “Tommie-Girl, it doesn’t matter to me when someone so cruel, so mean and no compassion dies. I wasn’t their friend alive…and I’m not going to lie about it now that they are dead. Orval was a VERY mean man. Mean to everyone around here including that sweet wife…I’m not going to his funeral and put on a pretend sad face when I truly could care less.” 
You can just imagine my shocked face hearing my dad sound so harsh. But even though I was so young I remember it, and now can honestly say I understand exactly what he meant. 
 This year has been so extreme in re-learning biblical things. From homosexuality to traditionalism, all the way down to forgiveness….and grace. I have felt so spiritually numb a LONG ass time I am not even confident if I could still hear the voice of God let alone doing what He leads me to do. 
It’s ironic that a few short weeks ago I blogged about when do certain people get what goes around after being so cruel to people. Reason being one of those people I have recently found out has Cancer. The same Cancer my Dad died from. 
Stage 4
A year at the most.
I had loved this person for so long.
Looked to him as a father,
friend,
Spiritual authority…
But he did such a nasty thing to someone I care deeply for. Without no bounds of giving one single shit it affected our life, our spiritual walk, nothing. Then…when I needed him the most he wouldn’t even bury my mother. 
Not for any other reason than to be able to make my husband grovel for a forgiveness he wasn’t ever going to get anyway. 
Sickening. 
When I think about it I still want to vomit. 
Where is MY grace?
Compassion?
Mercy?
Forgiveness?
I wish I knew. But it’s no where in sight, reach or grasp of me, anywhere.
Not one tear has been shed for this man from my eye. Not one elevated heart beat of concern. 
Sigh….
For a brief moment I thought that we should at least go and see him, for what I have no clue…Certainly not closure. But my husband quickly said “No way…” 
My heart is breaking for his beautiful wife who never showed me anything but complete love and pure respect. 
His children…
But it ends RIGHT THERE. 
It sounds so mean but I told him when my mom died four years ago, that one day…one day he would want compassion and he wouldn’t get it and I pray that at that very moment he would remember what he DIDN’T do for my mother. 
I doubt very seriously he has even had one night sleep lost because of my mom, 
my husband…
anyone else he hurt. But still…It’s so ironic.am just at a loss of what to do. I wouldn’t even be able to guess as what the right thing is in this crazy situation. A friend said I should go and visit if anything for myself so I won’t regret. However, I have no desire to see him. For what? To throw hands up, speak of fake all is forgiven and forgotten in light of him dying? I don’t think I could do that. 
Simply because I DON’T feel that way.
I’m STILL very hurt.
Very angry… disappointed.
People can pull the grace card all they want but it doesn’t change the past. 
The fact people are STILL hurting so badly from things this person did or allowed to be done and said. Does someone dying trump all of their wrongs? Especially when they still feel as though they did nothing? 
I don’t want any biblical talk or scripture thrown at me either…I want SOLID, REAL, HONEST advice because anyone can quote a chapter and a verse. 
I understand when Pastor Nar says that “forgiveness doesn’t always mean that you condone that person’s actions” but for me it seems as though EVERYONE around has done nothing BUT condone this persona’s actions. 
There are consequences for standing behind a pulpit preaching love, love, love and being a complete ass to people when you’re not.  
I can’t be fake and act as though I’m just “soooo sad” when in all actuality, I’m really not. 
I don’t feel happy at all. I just feel like…”whatever…” which is just as bad as happy I think. Perhaps bitterness is getting the best part of me. 
But I adored my mom…
Loved my life and all of a sudden the things I thought were real, weren’t. 
It devastated me to learn that the men I counted on the MOST to be real and set things aside, didn’t. 
My life, the way I looked at God, strangers, friends…all changed and has NEVER been the same. It was a cliche’ you hear all of the time, “My reality check bounced.” Only it didn’t just bounce, it bounced up and smacked me in the face like a fuckin’ brick. 
So….
Now what?


Selah~
CHERyL

WRITTEN: July 9th 2011

There is nothing more horrible than people who REFUSE to look at your frustrations as valid and write them off as excuses.
I’m in a rather shitty mood today, a slight funk as well.
I just can’t understand how people can point out YOUR flaws yet stand by and excuse others who are so cruel, rude, arrogant and down right mean to people they see as weaker than themselves. 
I can’t just do that. 
As a woman number one I have EVERY right to voice my opinion on whatever I fucking feel like voicing my opinion on. 
Number two if you feel like shit how is it logical to make ME feel like shit? 
And before people go on and on about “you control your own atmosphere” or “you choose to live how you live” oh shut the hell up because that isn’t always the truth. 
I get grace…
I do…
I have needed it for myself PLENTY of times. Plus I have children and a husband…I’ve also extended grace a few times 😉 But to sit and glaze over the complete bullshit of people hurting other people by throwing the “grace card” around like it’s an excuse to be a dickhead is ridiculous. 
Although I have a Sailor mouth I am one of those people who generally always take the bible literal. That being said I also feel you can do that and STILL take it out of context. Grace should NEVER be an excuse to allow people in what they look to be “spiritual authority” to spiritually ABUSE others. 
I just think sometimes you may not be in the BEST situation for yourself, but there are those FEW times where it’s TRULY not your call. 
So if some bullshit goes on, I WILL say something. 
 Tolerating bully’s, arrogance, rudeness, and anything else you wanna throw in there is just unacceptable. 
Weather it’s ME you’re doing it to, or someone else I can SEE you doing it to. I’m not going to just sit and stand by while someone treats me or anyone else like shit. 
Honestly, if that person who is getting emotionally beat down to weak or insecure to stick up for themselves, then…HELLO, my name is “Opinion.” And I WILL share it with you. 

Good Day,
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: July 6th 2011

The words to a song just linger in my head over and over: “I am so homesick now,
for someone I never knew.
I am so homesick for some place I will never be…” 
In my head I have so many memories of who I thought I was and I was so sure of that girl.
It seems as I get older my assurances of self are fading as I try reaching for things that are just no longer there.
I smile, laugh, taking steps forward but truth of the matter I feel I’m getting absolutely nowhere.
Kind of like walking up hill in cold ass wind and rain. Your destination is about a half mile before you yet the surroundings make it seem a 1,000.
My husband said everything in a nutshell.
“I just feel so spiritually alone. I have been so hurt by so many in the church that were supposed to be my family, that I don’t trust anyone anymore and I don’t know what to do.”
We’ve been walking around feeling numb for so long that we stopped talking to each other. At last, truth is we BOTH feel so defeated. With only slight resemblances of who we once were but long to be again.
My whole life I thought at 40 I’d have all the answers but it turns out that is a crock. The older you get the more confused and lonely you become.
Experiencing more hurt, pain, disappointments it all adds up and eventually you just break and collapse.
I get that being broken and staying broken is the best place to be for a Christian. But my brokenness isn’t some spiritual realization…My brokenness, my husband’s brokenness is just pure pain. Pain from being disappointed by the church, each other, ourselves…
To the point we feel we have no right to even say we are Believers.
Not just because of our own struggles but also because of the representation of God out there today.
It’s like a lose-lose situation.
Where do you go when you just… are… done?
I still truly believe Jesus is the key for me.
But I gotta tell ya, I feel like someone in the ocean. Lost, in the middle of a storm…You see the rescuer. They are right there in front of you holding out their hand but you are just so spent from all the crashing, coldness, and trying to keep above water you have no strength to reach back. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world. Having once stood in the middle of all you believed only to have lost touch. For whatever reason it happens. It’s as if there is a drought in my soul…I’m waiting for the rain but it’s not coming and I’m starting to lose hope of ever thinking I have a chance to get back to where I was. Somehow I have lost myself. 
I’m struggling…
I’m spiritually exhausted from condemnation and fear yet I’m also spiritually dying and feeling every bit of the joy unspeakable being sucked right out of me, it’s frightening.
Leaning on the back of Jesus is so hard to do when you are just pissed off, annoyed, confused, drained. It sounds terrible to say that but that’s where I am.
I don’t want anyone telling me what I SHOULD do or what I shouldn’t do either…I just want a tangible touch from the God of Israel so my heart will conform to what He desires me to be. So I can once again be who I NEED to be to feel whole, secure and complete.
Hello?

Sitting In Shadows…
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: June 28th 2011

Today I spoke about my brother Randy and the very last phone call we had.
It was odd…talking about it.
As I pulled out of the parking lot and went about my day I couldn’t help but think of my parents.  
Being raised in a strict Southern Baptist home you have to understand the heartbreak they felt when my brother “came out.”
The feeling they had somehow failed as a “Christian” mother and father.
However, the love and support they had for Randy trumped any church authority on shunning him into any kind of “repentance.”
I know they struggled with the whole “can he be gay and still die and go to Heaven” thing. I can remember hearing my mother cry as she prayed for God to “change his heart” and my father’s conversations with elders of the church on weather or not he had done something to “make my son this way.” 
For years my brothers gay lifestyle was the white elephant in the room. Boyfriends he brought home for dinner were “just friends” and whenever we would run into old church friends they would ask about all my brothers EXCEPT for Randy, as that uncomfortable tension would begin to rise while avoiding to mention his name. 
It wasn’t until a year after Kenneth’s death I had a dream.
So real.
Very vivid…
I was with my Mom as we walked down a familiar street along with Randy. The sun was so bright and every bird was singing louder than usual. 
All of a sudden it was complete chaos. 
It was darker, people were running, the sun was gone and eventually the three of us were running. 
Faster and faster as we struggled to hold on one to another my brother Randy was lifted as he ascended so high, so high he was almost through the very clouds above me. The look on my mom’s face was complete horror and I was completely confused. I was begging him not to go, to come back where he is needed and loved. All of a sudden my mom stopped. She stood completely still. I screamed for her to hurry and help when Randy looked me right in the eye..”I need to go…If I see Kenneth I’m outta here, he will need me.” “What if you don’t?” I shouted…”Then I will stay.” One more leap into the clouds and he was gone. 
Devastated, I was devastated.
However my mom was at complete peace. She touched my face and said “It’s okay…They are BOTH there.” 
I woke up in a complete sweat and ran to my mother’s room as I told her the dream she began to cry and tell me that Randy had the HIV Virus for the past 5 years and it had now fallen into Aids with his last battle of the flu…I called him.
We wept together as he began to ask if this was God punishing him for his lifestyle, his relationship with Alan…Immediately I said “No way…God would NEVER do that.” 
My brother lived a surprisingly healthy life for years while trying to “change himself.”
Even moving thousands of miles away from Alan and joining a group of “ex-gays” at a local church. 
He cried all of the time.
Most of our conversations were late at night and he would ask why he still felt these feelings, why God wasn’t “making him better…” 
I had no answers. 
Eventually Alan went to North Carolina and they lived there, together, in a relationship and for the first time in a very, very long time my brother was…happy. We still had our “talks.” The day he died he said “Maybe I have it all wrong Tommie-Girl. The bible DOES say For God so loved the world not the straight and sinless…” I admit I winced a bit and replied with “I don’t know…” We went over scripture and he asked once again if I had ever thought God was punishing him as he began to get sicker and sicker. My answer was still an adamant “No.” I said “Randy…what if you died today…” I didn’t even finish before he took a deep breath and said “I speak with God all of the time, I read my bible, I sit in my room and beg for God to forgive me and I always feel Him. His love, His acceptance. I can truly say there is NO DOUBT Tommie-Girl, noooo doubt that if I died today in Heaven I know I’d be.” That was the last conversation we had.
Ever…
Alan died instantly. 
Randy was on life support with absolutely no brain activity. 
My Dad had died that previous year, my Mom was out of her mind with sickness and grief…and here I was, totally confused.
I grew up in a church where they taught homosexuality to be a sure way to never see the face of God. 
And now…here was my brother.
Openly gay. 
Only being KEPT alive by a machine they were now asking the next of kin to turn off…Only to send him into an eternity of what? 
Peace?
True restoration, healing, love….
Or…
My God…
Our sister had given the final word to “let him go” after discussions, tears and reasoning with our soul’s on weather or not we were doing the right thing. 
I can’t even express how tormented my spirit has been for years wondering where Randy is today. 
Listening to Jay Bakker and his affirming views on gays has gotten me so angry at times I’ve wanted to kick him in the balls.
You wonder sometimes… why God doesn’t answer your pleading of answers to the most difficult of questions. 
I NEED to be as good of a Believer as I can.
All of the “traditional Christians” are fading into the wind and I have been told to STAY STRONG, KEEP THE FAITH but I’ve been so angry and bitter and confused as to why God would make me send my brother into hell? Complete bullshit I have said MANY a night with thinking He has just forgotten about me, until I remembered, the dream. 
That amazing, beautiful dream. Those outlaw preachers and Jay Bakker saying things I was so against but now had perhaps been my answer all along. I’ve had Pastors tell me absolutely not, it was an emotional dream, God doesn’t do that anymore, homosexuality is wrong, BOTH of your brothers are in hell, deal with it and get over it. 
But what if….
What if we have had it wrong all along? 
Maybe I am looking to set my tormented soul at ease,
it’s quite possible.
Or maybe God heard my brother, his years of weeping, begging for forgiveness and maybe…as a God of grace…restoration….mercy….
He forgave my brother.
Moses never got to step foot into Canaan…however…is he not with God?

Selah~
The Lord is near to those who have been brokenhearted,
He hears the cry’s of those who have been crushed in their spirit…Psalm 34:18,19

WRITTEN: June 13th 2011

 You would have been 73 last Friday. It’s insane, you should of been here. I would be completely lying if I said I wasn’t still pissed off at God for your illness. Although grateful for your death. That sounds rather absurd but the moment your illness took your spirit of what made you, you it was as if you were already gone. I just will never understand why you had to get sick. Old people get sick. People who think they have no reason to live get sick. People who are angry, selfish, mean, hopeless and afraid…get sick. People who have forgotten how to laugh…They get sick. 
You were supposed to live forever. 
I would have settled for you living to at least see my kids get older, at the age to remember you forever anyway. 
Hanja is starting to forget you, her memories of you weren’t as strong as Charlie and Serenity’s. 
Ezra…well, I think he say’s he remembers just so my feelings won’t get hurt. He’s so adorable that way. 
Mom I still need you. 
It’s so not fair you aren’t here, healthy, and driving my husband nuts with your butting in and taking over like normal Mother-in-laws do. 
You were SUPPOSED to STILL be here.
Didn’t God get that memo?
Did He forget dad died?
Randy…?
Kenneth?
Tina?
Terry?
Michael?
I’m just a little confused here. Why you couldn’t be spared to at least enjoy your Grand-baby’s for awhile. 
4 years Mom…and it’s as if you died a minute ago. When will I stop crying? I did everything different this year too. 
On your birthday, I didn’t mention you to one single person. 
I spared everyone my tears, self pity and whining of unfairness. 
No Facebook status, no blogs…Not a whisper. 
Yet as soon as I drifted to sleep, there, there you were. I even woke up and used the bathroom, only to fall right back into a cruel sleep of dreams were you were still here. Silly, dreaming about driving to absolutely no where in a cream colored Station Wagon and all 4 kids. No radio…Just story’s about you and Dad…Nothing but the sounds of your voice and all of us laughing. 
I woke up and literally for a few seconds thought you were actually still alive.
Who does that?
It’s been 4 years…years…and yet I was relieved almost that your death was the dream and you were still here. I was tired as if I had been up all night driving and then it hit.
Like the biggest fuckin’ brick right in my stomach. 
You ARE dead.
I couldn’t control my tears. They were a sudden rain storm in the middle of day streaming down my face. I cried like I had just heard you died.
Some friends have told me that I still have family but they obviously don’t get my life, or understand what family actually is to me…
I keep wondering how long the grieving process takes but I’ve come to the conclusion that a piece of me died with you Mom.
My heart broke when Dad passed away…My brothers…Sister, but I still had them every time you and I would laugh or share a story about them.
But once you died, it was like I lost them all forever along with you and that…I can’t ever get over.
This grief will never be over. 
And nobody wants or needs to hear me whine about it, but in my mind I’m not at peace. My soul just aches, and my spirit is completely lost without you. I’m so off balance and lonely mom. 
You were my glass half full.

I truly miss your face Mom,
Tommie~Girl~

WRITTEN: December 3rd 2010

 It’s a bit crazy to think I’ve been a certain way my whole life and everyone knows me that way. 
Then after a glimpse my entire outlook changes in one single moment, or at least I think it’s a moment. 
A few days ago I was sitting in the hospital ER for the millionth time it seemed and I was just going through everything from 2002 until now and it just hit me…I felt totally abandoned. 
I feel as though I have been forgotten and betrayed by The Father, I pray, cry, beg, go to Church, sing, hum, but there is nothing. 
Nothing.
I feel so empty and out of touch from the presence of God it literally terrifies me to breathe. 
My life is nothing like I thought it was once was going to be. The life I once lived and was blessed to have is gone, lost…and as much as I grieve for it there is no “Job’s ending” in sight for me. 
I did everything I thought I was supposed to do in a biblical sense and yet there is nothing. Am I asking God way to much? Is it that I don’t deserve my ending I’ve been praying and seeking for?
Is THIS it for me? 
I always was so proud to wave my glass half full to the world with my box of crayons and colorful outlook on life no matter the circumstances that were laid before me. I gladly drank whatever cup The Father placed before me with little complaint yet now something has changed, perhaps I have. 
I’m tired of making excuses for why my cup is cracked and falling apart. 
I’m tired of looking for that bright rainbow at the end of every storm.
I’m tired of desperately seeking out that dreary cloud with the silver lining. 
I’m just…tired.
I lay in bed in the morning when everyone is at school, at work and I am just blank. I am as brutally honest with God as I can be in asking Him where He’s at, has He forgotten about my family, my husband, me? Yet I hear and feel absolutely nothing, nothing and I can’t bare to think what I once had is just gone. 
My faith is shaken like I have never had it shaken before and I am left here standing in this cold fuckin’ rain of grief, anger, bitterness, confusion…and God is nowhere. It’s not as if I don’t believe in Him I do with all that I am. That is why I’m struggling with this. I have been smacked in the Holy presence of God, on my face before the Holy Spirit and I have experienced vision, prophecy, words of knowledge and love like no other god could give their follower and yet for the past few years something has been lost within me, I have been lost, hanging on by a string and I am barley clinging to the only lifeline I have ever been able to count on to always be there and yet I can’t feel Him near. 
I can’t hear His voice. 
I’m just fearful that all MY mistakes, the roads I have been walking down have finally caught up to me in my Spiritual life and God is just done. 
Is He teaching me a lesson on waiting? 
How long do I wait before I come to a conclusion that like everyone else even He was but a season for me? 
The ER was cold and as yet another Doctor was clueless to my situation I couldn’t help but cry. I could feel the tears falling down the side of my face and they were actually burning my eyes to where it burned and I had to shut them. 
In my head I whispered “C’mon God…” 
But there was that familiar sense of loneliness that filled my soul to let me know yet again I have been left without an answer. 

…….

WRITTEN: December 14th 2010

Sometimes I just don’t get people. Actually most of the time I really DON’T get them at all. I am in no way perfect by any means at all, but there are a few things I try to do as a person.

#1 I try to be as honest as I can. That tends to show those around you that you are real and true. Besides if you don’t lie there really isn’t a reason to have a good memory about anything. I’ve messed up, sure. However there are those who make an ART out of being nothing but a liar. They sit and convince you that the blue sky you’re looking at is green for no other reason that to just…lie.

I do NOT get that.

The second thing I try to do as a general rule of thumb is to just be myself man. I realize that being me may not make 90% of those around me comfortable but I feel that really has nothing to do with me being me, it has to do with them not being comfy with themselves. Make sense?

I love to laugh, at anything.

It’s an important trait I was blessed with through my mom and I like to think I’m passing it along to my kids as well. Laughter will get you out of the craziest of situations.

I cry at anything too. I’m an emotional freak. Some may review tears as a weakness but why? That’s just dumb. It’s anything BUT a weakness man. Crying could mean just about anything.

You’re angry,

sad,

depressed,

happy,

or just plain…done.

#3 I still hold true to my heart for that traditional way of life. You know? Where the man is so selfless he thinks of your feelings first. Where you are walking through a parking lot and he guides you over to the inside of him so you aren’t walking in way of traffic but yet HE is?

How beautiful is that?

To give you his jacket without even asking if you are cold or not, but assuring you that no matter what he is looking out for your best interest always.

A hopeless romantic to the bone.

It MUST still be out there right? A love that shows no bounds? I just can’t believe it doesn’t happen or it is no longer real.

Those three things are VERY important at who I am and how I view other people.

So when someone lies to me or about me or even about those I love the most, it tends to screw up the whole process to me. A few times I can understand, maybe even overlook. However you do it over and over and over there is obviously a problem and if you tend to lie so easily then you obviously are nothing more than fake. And if you are fake, then the “feelings” you have for me are fake and I can’t dig on that at all. When people lie you can…Well I handle them one of two ways.

I keep them at a “safe” distance from me, not allowing them to get close enough to hurt me…Or…I just cut them off at the knees, metaphorically speaking of course 😉

Cut off all ties and communication with that person because they are nothing more than sheer venom. I feel as though people who continue to lie only want the worst for you. That whole thing of “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” is a load of bullshit. That’s a shady way of getting others in on your dishonest behavior and venomous actions as a…”friend.” It’s sad to think there are people out there like that but sad reality is, there are. They can’t stand knowing someone has something they want or that someone is truly happy while they soak in there misery of whatever victim card they decide to wave around.

It makes me sick to know all of the “friends” I’ve wasted time and seasons on. Poured out my soul and shared my tears only to find they are nothing more than sad, spiteful, evil sacks of flesh who want nothing more than to bring you down into there own life of misery and bitterness. They long to rip from your spirit the confidence in you that has taken your whole life to build.

You need to be careful because something like that is rare and beautiful.

Confidence is a gift you give to yourself and once you allow someone to beat it away from you and steal it it’s gone.

It’s not something that can be replaced so easily or put back in order once they are removed.

People who do this to another human being is nothing more than vile and cruel.

It’s important to stay true to you, be who you are and make no excuses for it.

If people are irritated, unaccepted or bothered by you simply staying genuine and honest then it is not YOU with the problem…however them.

CHERyL~

WRITTEN: January 6, 2011

I think it’s pretty safe to say that when my family all passed away that the Holidays would never be the same for me.
Every year since each of there deaths December comes along and with every passing year it becomes the longest month of the entire year. I feel the roller coaster of emotions starting in October, by Thanksgiving I’m wishing Christmas would be over and done.
It’s not fair to my kids.
I put on this “happy face” all throughout the Season but they aren’t stupid, they know.
Putting up the tree was a united event, now I put it up and decorate it while everyone is at school/work so it’s done and not prolonged into an all day thing.
I still have my parents Christmas Ornaments with each person in the families name on them, with each one I place on the tree I can’t help but cry an ocean of tears. Sometimes when it begins to get cold and the Christmas stuff is everywhere in stores I feel so overwhelmed for the next few months. 
I cry at the drop of a hat,
I can’t think straight,
I feel an unbearable sadness,
a sense of loss as if there deaths were just yesterday. 
To this very moment I can’t think of any of them without weeping. 
My mom and her amazing hugs.
My dad and his ability to read my thoughts and make me see the brighter side to any situation.
My brothers Randy…Kenneth…Terry…laughing at anything and never ending a conversation w/out saying “I love you” and my sister Tina…never saying the words “good bye” and no conversation would ever be complete without her trying to talk me into moving to Florida to be near her and her children…
I have a thousand regrets and a million “if only’s…” 
If I think of them for too long my stomach will begin to get into knots and sometimes I even pull over my car on the side of the road because I need a moment to re-group and get myself together.
I feel so lost without them.
Empty…alone…afraid…even at times, desperate….in a way I feel abandoned. I dream about them ALL of the time and waking up almost feels as if I’ve lost them all over again and I wonder how God can be so cruel as to allow me to dream of them, their faces are so clear, I can almost still smell my mothers perfume after waking up to find she’s not here, she’s not alive. They are all gone…I can’t even count on one hand how many times one of my children or my husband will walk in as I’m still dreaming and they hear me call out to her…”Mom…?” My youngest will usually touch my leg and say “It’s okay Mommy” while my other children won’t speak at all. My husband goes back and forth. Sometimes he will say “It’s me Cheryl” while other times he simply will close the door quietly.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I feel like I could possibly be the loneliest person in the entire world.
I’m trying so hard to grasp an understanding of why I still grieve each of them. It’s been so long since they’ve died yet it’s still, right there. I can feel my heart beat and see my chest shake with each beat. I have this mind set of having a glass half full yet I am struggling with throwing it up against a wall and cursing God for taking ALL of them away so soon, too soon. I feel like I was cheated. I get angry that I can’t call one of them, or hug my mom when I’m sad or need a “Thomas Ingram pep talk.” 
I have so many things on my mind and yet I have no one I feel to talk too about any of it. 
People all have their own life, people are busy my husband deals with enough..It would be unfair to speak to any of my kids so I sit. 
I drive to the airport and I sit there…
I should be talking to God but I turn off everything radio included and I sit. 
I think I sit there so long sometimes so I can remember how to breathe. I watch the planes and remember how when I was little this was my mom’s favorite place to relax. She was afraid to fly yet always said she wanted to be on a plane so it would “take me to anywhere.” I can remember her face as she would watch them fly over us sitting there and she looked so at peace…Complete serenity. I truly miss her. I still need her, I still need them all and I don’t know how to cope without them. I reach to be happy, but it’s so hard. I feel selfish. I should be thankful for the time I had but I can not help but to be a bit bitter. At the very time I started to realize what I actually had it was stolen and taken from me…How is that even remotely fair?
Here I am, a new year, and all I’m asking God for is a do over.
I want them all back.
I want peace of mind.
To be happy, content, loved, accepted and …sigh…it’s an unreasonable request, I know. It simply can’t be granted, they are gone. and I’m left to deal with it and I really don’t know how.
I’m beginning to think it’s impossible.
I find myself living day to day…trying to cope with to much loss for one person to handle and at the same time try, try having a glass half full mind set…
I want to be fixed and all I feel is forgotten.

Selah~

WRITTEN: Monday, April 11, 2011

I realize that by working third shift yet having to take my kids to school in the morning, there is a little span of time in the morning where I’m trying to fall back to sleep, that I have too much time to ponder.
Thinking to much can cause problems.
For me anyway.
Sometimes it would be better if I could just shut my eyes and immediately be asleep. However, never the case. 
Not in my world anyhow. 
It’s funny really how when I look back at when I was younger, I think of where I thought my life would be. 
There are only traces of the dreams I had for myself…
I find if I think about it to much it only gets me sad. 
When you are an “adult” with “adult” responsibility you don’t always have choices. There are those moments in life where you do what is right in general and not always what could be right for you. Does that make sense?
And before you even say it, I KNOW it’s NOT fair but we’ve all heard it. Life is not always fair. 
I agree the choices we make get us to a certain point in our life but sometimes, just sometimes fate plays a cruel hand that will never allow us a “do over” and there is the place your heart will be forced to adapt too forever…fair or not, you’re there. 
I think for some people it can be a sense of comfort, and security while for others it can be the loneliest place on earth.
My mom taught me a lot of things, but one most important lesson was that of sacrifice. 
I would ask her ever so often about certain situations and she would just say “Tommie-Girl, it’s the price you pay for sacrifice. that and the fact there is not always a choice to do it.” It wasn’t until now that I understand where she was coming from and what she meant. 
Yeah, life isn’t fair…and it’s funny that almost no one can really say they are where they expected to be, but ya know, you do what you have to.
You can’t always choose to be selfish.


Selah~

WRITTEN: April 13, 2011

It was 9:45pm on a Sunday evening and the guest speaker was just starting his SECOND offering speech for the night, when i leaned to my friend and
said:
 “It’s late, you wanna go?”
He quickly responded with:
“Let’s go.”
As we got up from our seats my 13 year old son, his 15 year old friend, my 17 year old daughter, myself and Eriksen walked briskly toward the door when all of a sudden it happened.
The voice!
LOUD…
STERN…
CONDESCENDING…
From the “stage” announced these INSANE words,
“We are trying to give an offering for an amazing man of God, but you go, don’t let us stop you from trying to beat traffic.”
WTF?
SERIOUSLY?
I usually pride myself on speaking my mind and telling an ignorant ass all about themselves but I did have children with me.
And…I was in … ch…ur…ch…Although THAT was totally NOTHING Jesus would EVER say or do.
maybe one day that idiot will come across my blog. Or perhaps someone who knows him. I decided to say what was on my mind that evening.
1st Sooooo glad my husband was NOT there to witness that complete IGNORANCE.
You see, he has been burnt by a few Holier than though assholes before and it’s been a VERY long, hard journey to even GET him IN a church let alone speak of one.
2nd YOU’RE the idiot people talk about when you invite them to church and they crinkle up their nose at how “The Pastor is always asking for money and they make you feel guilty when you don’t give.”
I’ve heard it a million times and although I’m the one who usually will say “No one should keep you from fellowshipping with the body” ect, ect I now can RELATE to how they feel.
You may have a big church in Clear water, Florida and you may have sold thousands of praise and worship cd’s, and you may travel across Country being a guest speaker at churches all across the United States but YOU sir, are in NO way, whatsoever…A Pastor.
Why?
Because you’re an idiot.
A greedy, nasty, money hungry, ass. You should be ashamed of yourself.
No mere man should NEVER make ANYONE feel like shit because they have nothing to put into the plate, or…hold your breath on this one… CHOOSE NOT TO PUT MONEY IN THE PLATE.
To even go so far and say that if we were dancing, praising and hollering a few moments earlier, we SHOULD have a white envelope in our hand with money in it to give now that we had received.
SERIOUSLY?
The last time I checked my dear misguided fool, Jesus didn’t NEED me to PAY Him so I could freely worship Him.
I was so disappointed that the pastor just sat there and allowed this moron to insult his congregation the way he did.
It was sick.
A disgrace to the Kingdom actually.
I’m sure all of Heaven was heartbroken by your condemnation and self righteous greed.
JUST FOR THE RECORD we wanted to leave earlier after your stupid RACIAL remarks and ignorant rant about beating children but we were TRYING to be respectful and listen.
However, after 3 hours of your chaotic, non sensible “sermon” we were READY to go. Not to mention it was 9:45pm and my children had school in the morning!!!
Here’s a newsflash for you. When begging for money, don’t ever try and use GUILT as your shoe in. Reason being…Times are hard you condescending prick and when you are bragging about your $10,000 dollar check and I’m wondering where tomorrows dinner is gonna come from I don’t need you to make me feel as though I should put $20.00 in the plate and all my issues will dissapear…Because guess what? When someone who doesn’t know their bible reads into YOUR lying bullshit and they put their LAST twenty bucks in the plate they are going to wonder why Jesus allowed there electric to be shut off.
YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.
How pathetic and disgraceful to have such a UNITY within the body during worship and everyone in one accord only to have you vomit your greedy condemnation all over them an hour later.
the ONLY good thing is that you WILL be accountable for every nasty, UNTRUE remark you made from that pulpit because God, He don’t like ugly.
He doesn’t like greed either so prepare yourself.
You have NO idea what someones situation is you self absorbent fuck. they could have just lost there home,
buried a child,
lost a job,
or actually NEEDED to pay rent!
REGARDLESS the reason to not putting money in the plate is totally NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.
That’s right, NONE of your damn business.
Why?
Because it is between THAT individual and God.
Imagine that.
I don’t need YOU to tell ME what I should be giving to God, because I can give to God in a NUMBER of ways which never HAS to include money! (GASP!)
I realize church electric needs paid, gas, water, ect, ect I wasn’t born yesterday BUT…that should be a given and if you need to GUILT your congregation into giving in order for those things to be paid for then maybe, just MAYBE you need to seek the Lord about what in the hell is going on.
Nobody should EVER leave a church feeling like a pile of absolute shit.
So go on…
take your l’il $10,000 dollar check,
fancy suit,
bug eyed,
lame talent
and go fuck yourself all the way back to Florida, and when you get there. Ask God to give you a clue…dumb ass.

Signed,
a NON PAYING worshiper ~