Gesuschic

WRITTEN: February 2012

 When Jesus ascended in Heaven I’m sure the Disciples were a tad bewildered in wondering what was about to happen to all of them. Staying together as family, splitting apart, moving on, ect I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them. With all my years in Ministry there is one thing that is always a certainty and definite, and that is change.
It really sucks.
When you are a Christian you already have the world working against ya let’s face it. However sometimes to soften that blow God gives you a Timothy, a Priscilla, Luke, Peter, ect and you not only become a spiritual family you become a blessed servant for having people by your side within Ministry.
If I said right now at this moment I wasn’t angry I’d be flat out lying to you. I am not only angry I’m confused asking God what the hell just happened? lol
But in NO WAY am I walking out of this building today completely oblivious to the blessing God has bestowed in my life the past 6 years.
To work within Ministry is and honor, to actually get paid and make a living is a miracle! (Ha~Ha)
My heart is completely broken as I leave here today.
These women are my sisters.
This is what i was CALLED to do.
My purpose…the plan God had for me.
Although I will no longer get a paycheck for it, I will STILL continue doing what My Father pressed upon my heart to do.
I LOVE the Pro~Life Ministry. My heart is here, my desire is to minister in love with complete compassion to these women who have been totally desperate and broken from a past abortion or an unplanned pregnancy.
My desire is to give them a hope they never thought possible of being able to heal from an irreversible choice.
My desire is to show them they have other options.
I don’t need a paycheck to validate the calling God has placed within my life…It still sucks. I love this job. The people I worked with…We were in every way a family.
Praying together, hanging out together, studying the Word together…ect…
It’s a change of season.
One day at a time…
So even though I want to stomp my feet and go out kicking and screaming…I won’t.
I’ll Log out,
say my good-bye’s,
get into my car and just breathe…
because no matter what…I KNOW God has my back. He brought me this far, He won’t forget me now 🙂 I can’t explain or understand the circumstances of why my time here is done today, but I can have trust in the fact my calling within this movement is NOT.
It’s perfect that my very last phone call needed for me to share my testimony with the young lady. Her situation was similar to mine 18 years ago…My own choice in facing an unplanned pregnancy, my story.
As if God was saying…”This isn’t over by a long shot Cheryl, we have work to do.”
And to that I say: “Here am I, let’s do this!” 

All the time God is good…And God is good…All the time.
I will not be overwhelmed by this mountain of change that has been laid before me. Even Moses had to walk his mountain alone leaving Aaron and Joshua behind…I’ll be okay. This is okay…

SELAH~

CHERyL~

WRITTEN: January 2012

I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012 and how this is the year my husband and I are going to apply things to our lives that will improve the lives of our children, our marriage, our walks with God and anything else we think of along the way 🙂 
The past can be very hard for me to remember although I think of it more than I should. So many things I miss and long for that can never be again. Certain places, things, and MANY people who I feel made me who I am today. Of course my parents…friends…seasonal friends and even my bully’s. From High School to my adulthood, hahaha
Sometimes my worst enemy is Nostalgia. 
My mind finds it’s way into the back of my memory lane and nostalgia gets the best of me.
I argue with myself on weather or not to find certain people, not to make “amends” per say but I think to see if their hearts have changed, as mine has. If they’re different people with a different outlook. 
My husband says to me all the time: “Don’t do it Cheryl, you’re going to get hurt all over again.” I know deep down he’s right. I find it easy to take blame, apologize even…But as I get older I feel myself changing to otherwise. 
I want closure I suppose. 
Until now I thought that meant something completely different than what it actually is.
You don’t always need closure FROM that person or persons, sometimes you simply need closure FROM them. You see what I mean there? One sentence, but TWO meanings. People don’t always change. For the best or worst. You can’t control where someone from your past may be at today. However you can control where YOU are at today. 
I never make New Years Resolutions. Half way through the very first month of the year I’ve already forgotten that I even made one let alone remember what it was!
BUT…
With the goals and plans my husband and I have for 2012 I thought it only appropriate to make one this year:) 
I’ve decided to give resolution to the entire negative  parts of my past. The ones that I created and the ones others created for me 😉 Not amends necessarily but defiantly resolution (the act of resolving). 
I’m not saying who was to blame nor now do I even really care. I don’t care to even hear your side nor do they want to hear mine I’m sure. So therefore I need to just leave it. I don’t know where some of you may leave it but for me it’s at the cross. Right where Jesus left my blame for my sins and everyone else…
From now on everything that left such a negative outlook in my mind it stuck with me as if it had just happened…is DONE. The situation has been resolved. Thus me going forward to the start of not only MY year but the year of Angel and the kids. 
I am going to be who I am. 
I am joyful.
I am laughter.
I am forgiving.
I am forgiven.
I am well within my soul. 


Selah~
CHERyL

WRITTEN: December 13th 2011

I wish I could be one of those people who are good at keeping quiet or quitting while ahead. But the fact is I’m not. Have I tried? 

WRITTEN: October 23rd 2011

No matter how long I live I will NEVER understand someone basing a foundation of roots into a friendship, relationship or anything else on appearance in the other person.
What does that say about your character? I don’t get it. I just don’t.
When I meet someone the first thing that catches my eye or my attention if you will, is the sense of humor they have at themselves, life, anything!
I honestly don’t think there has ever been a time where I based my wanting to get to know someone on their mere looks alone.
By looks I mean anything from their skin tone to their weight. I happen to think it’s a pretty shallow reason if you ask me. What happen to common interest?
An ability to laugh with each other?
There are so many people that get overlooked simply because they don’t flip the bill in the looks department and that’s really sad.
Not just for them but for the shallow mother fucker who could be loosing out on the most loyal friendship/relationship they may ever have.
It’s so true!
I guess I was raised better than most people 😉
I had good roots…My parents were honest and loving people who always taught us to look from the inside out.
You can’t measure a man’s worth by the outward appearance they have.
It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or sexy someone may be on the outside they could be ugly as sin on the inside.
I can almost understand where people say that looks is what attracts them but still, where is the foundation of your interest from there?
What if they are the sexiest person alive and you get together, stay together and once the physical attraction is gone what are you left with? If THAT was the basis for your attraction?
What if something happens God forbid, as in illness, accident or worse and those looks are GONE?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO FROM THERE?
I’m not talking about people who get together, find one another attractive and GENUINELY fall in love. I’m referring to people who there ONLY attraction for someone is wrapped up in an appearance?
And who the fuck decides what IS beautiful?
Attractive?
Pleasing to the eye?
The cast of Jersey Shore???
Yeah right….
I know men/women who have a REAL issue with their spouses gaining weight after years of marriage.
That is the most saddest, pathetic thing I have ever heard.
NOBODY is who they are from when they were first married. Weather it’s weight, attitude, opinion, financial, whatever…EVERYONE changes.
People grow apart sure…but due to the fact the other may not be “as pleasing” to the eye as before?
That’s REALLY sad.
And it doesn’t say much for them as a human being either.
That’s my opinion of course.
Now I get that some men/women completely allow themselves go…sloppy, nasty, whatever the case…But if you have a Spouse who works in the relationship, communicates, does THEIR PART for the home, children ect and still manages to keep prideful in their dress, hair ect I’m sorry, then to “loose interest” merely because of weight is a disgusting reason and quite frankly your shallow ass should be ashamed of yourself.
For someone to go through YEARS of encouragement, support, love, children, emotional stability all to be tossed aside because of a number on a scale?
Wow…
Pretty sick.
I can’t STAND shallow people like that.
When I fall in love with someone I see them from the complete inside out! When people start dating I think it should be a requirement to watch “Shallow Hal” before walking out into the world…The most beautiful things in life can be easily missed when merely looking through the eyes and not the heart.

I Speak To You The Truth,
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: October 13th 2011

No matter how hard you try and stay true to yourself there will always be those people who decide to misrepresent you. 
Maybe they feel they have good reason, Or they have no other reason at all other than to be cruel. 
Possibly they’re miserable with how they view themselves so to make their own self esteem higher they decide to shoot flames about someone who is genuine. 
People flock to that shit too. People as in others who are just as nasty, miserable and bored who have nothing better to do than feed off of misrepresentations of others. I think it’s disgusting how certain people love to tear someone down whom they have never even met. Not one hello…smile or second of any conversation yet they take in all that was said to them about you, only to place in their mind what they assume is truth. 
The worst part is when that ugly excuse for a human being decides to share with you all that has been said . What do you do? 
Defend yourself?
What’s the point? You’ve already been portrayed as this heartless animal which could not be farthest from the truth. 
I hate people like that. They feel as though they have everything figured out about you when in fact they don’t know shit because all that had been presented to them was lies and fabrications of ignorance. You can TRY to set things straight but honestly if I had it to do over I would laugh my ass off at the jealousy to which this misrepresentation came from. I mean it MUST be jealousy. 
Jealous of who you truly are. 
Beautiful,
kind,
loving,
genuine,
forgiving…All the things the source of bullshit desires to be but can’t get it together enough to accomplish it. So they lash out to make themselves feel better, look better when in all actuality they aren’t. 
Misery LOVES company and people who are miserable want to make those around them either just as miserable or make them the cause of ALL their problems in life. Well, do what you will…But I learned a VERY long time ago eventually, you WILL reap what you sow and there will be NO ONE to blame for it but yourself. 
You can be the most loving person. Doing anything for anyone you love and adore but one misrepresentation and the jealous losers of the world will try to convince you THAT defines you.
Just take a deep breath and blow it out…You can fight to prove who you TRULY are but why? 
Hate breeds hate and NOTHING or no one can change what has been done to you, or said about you…
The one thing that keeps you going, that keeps you laughing and smiling is the fact you will go on being beautiful…kind…loving…genuine…and forgiving and they will STILL be the same nasty, cruel, vile, miserable assholes whose obviously jealous at the fact you can hold your glass half full despite all the ugly in the world . They don’t have the strength or the ability to know how to laugh through the saddest of times, take what life has decided to give to you and make it work. They can’t stand the fact people actually like you and that you can look in the mirror with an understanding of your past and forgive yourself for the bad choices you’ve made in your life. Taking responsibility for all the wrongs you’ve done and owning the blame is not so easy for the weak. And I do say weak because anyone who rips the confidence apart of someone who has done nothing but try and move past the fire is a very sad soul…and anyone who engages in that and attempts to dig and pick at your scars of regret is only proving you actually are better than they are. Words of hate do NOT define me. The jealous ignorance of people who have never seen my face will NOT define me. Regret, mistakes, bad choices, those things do NOT define me as a person. My perseverance, love for my children, forgiving those who have hurt my heart, standing in Christ…THOSE things WILL and DO define who I am. God knows truth and He is a just God, fair, and merciful and in that I will put all that I am and never allow ANYONE to break my confidence in what I KNOW as truth and not some fabricated stories from people so clearly jealous of who I TRULY am. Which is all they wish to be but don’t have the balls to forgive themselves for THEIR past mistakes, regrets…They can’t look into the mirror and forgive themselves for their own actions so they try to move forward by walking on the pieces of crushed spirits…But in the end I will STILL be moving forward and they will still be right where they choose to stay, in the heart of their misery and self hate. 
With every mean, cruel word ever spoken or said about me that’s fine…go ahead but guess what? 
I STILL WIN…


Selah,
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: August 30th 2011

It’s about that time.
Where the Season is almost over.
Soon the leaves will change, the wind will pick up and the nights will get a tad bit colder.
I absolutely love the Fall but it seems as though grief finds me more within the changing period.
It’s not just about my family. This time of year it’s always more.
I begin to dream about my past.
Lost friendships,
memories of places I’ve been,
love…broken and forgotten.
Empty promises from people who you thought would love you forever begin to creep in, take hold of your dreams, invade your sleep and all with a vengeance.
Almost as a killer in the night with the sharpest blade, slicing through every scar as it once again becomes an opened wound.
Sigh.
Sorrow seems to find me so much easier than it did before.
Maybe that’s the down side of becoming older, who knows?
However it sucks.
It’s hard to stay angry when your heart still aches…Everyone has a time in their life where the good actually out weighed the bad.
Sadly within that same time you were the most vulnerable. Everything that made you feel so alive could brake you all the same.
Like a lose-lose situation in a way. You want to love, but not experience loss.
You want to laugh but never feel the tears of sadness trickle down your face.
To breath every little thing of life in…yet scared to death to exhale in fear you might blink and it’s all gone.
“Life goes on…”
people tell you that all of the time but they never tell you HOW..How do you make your life “go on” in the midst of lonely…regret?
The should of,
could of,
and would of’s are what will kill you.
Haunt you…
If I had everything to do all over again I would most certainly tell my dad I loved him so much more than I did. Hug my mom a thousand more times a day…laughed more with my brothers and sister and told that one person how I truly felt but never did.
I wouldn’t miss ANY opportunity that came my way weather it have been in education, occupation, love or just plain ‘ole laughter!
All my regrets would have been overshadowed and out weighed by the joy I would have found in just LIVING.
If only…

Selah~
CHERyL

WRITTEN: August 25th 2011

Such a big thing right now…
Everywhere you turn Christian or not someone is talking about “gay rights.” As I struggle with the traditionalism I was raised with I try to push through for the sake of my much needed spiritual growth.
Please don’t get me wrong or misrepresent what I’m saying here. To me spiritual growth is NOT a nice way to say spiritual ignorance 😉
Got it?
Then we shall move on with the blog….
Looking at Webster’s definition on affirming my traditional programmed way of thinking immediately I would have to say there is NO WAY I am “gay affirming” but before you delete my Facebook friendship and stop reading this blog, wait a second and allow me to explain.
To validate, or state as a fact, or to..ahem…affirm Gay’s is not my problem. Simply because I look at EVERYONE as having a right to be at the feet of Jesus, period.
I’m not a Biblical Scholar or even a Biblical Theologian, and I may not have memorized the entire book of Psalms, however I DO know from where I have come and that is just some loser whore who had three baby daddy’s to my 4 kids who fell right at the feet of someone who PROMISED to love ME without any condition.
My relationship with Jesus is a no strings attached kind of commitment.
I don’t know if I can “declare my support” for gay Pastor’s, Clergy ect I honestly just DON’T KNOW HOW I feel about that yet.
Or even gay marriage…
I don’t know! Not even 50 years ago bi-racial couples were not looked upon as “acceptable.” Or 40 years ago women behind the Pulpit was deemed blasphemous and unheard of.
But what I DO know is God is God and I’m not. It’s not MY job or anyone else to say who is getting into Heaven or not…Are there consequences for sin? OF COURSE, but we ALL fall short of the Glory of God (Romans 3:23) Not a few of us, not some, ALL of us. 
Do I think homosexuality is a sin…perhaps. Do I think it will keep one out of Heaven…No way. 
If that were the case, NONE of us would EVER see the face of Jesus. Climb up out of Daddy’s throne for a second and THINK about it. Ponder on weather or not you have the balls to pick up those stones and start aiming at gay affirming spiritual family.  For your sake I hope you ponder hard before Jesus calls you out on the carpet about your sin. 
Look, I admit I’m not standing on the bandwagon of Jay Bakker’s opinion on the gay and lesbian community, but I am sitting on the bumper of the wagon with my feet dangling back and forth. 
People are waaay to angry about this and they need to chill out. The Conservative Christians are screaming hell, fire and brimstone while the liberal Christian is screaming you HAVE to be this way and ALL OF US AS A BODY are losing FOCUS of what we were called and told to do in the first place. 
Do ANY of you even remember?
Gay affirming 
or not.
Do you remember what WE, as The Body of Christ were called and told to do? 
Allow this poor, white trash, forgotten whore to remind you 😉  
“And He said unto them,
GO YE INTO ALL THE WORLD, AND PREACH THE GOSPEL TO EVERY CREATURE. He that believeth and is baptized SHALL BE SAVED; but he that believeth NOT shall be damned.” (Mark 16:15-16)
The GOSPEL by the way isn’t a “let me tell you how to be” Testimonial of God either. It’s a Hear me…Jesus loves YOU…
And your job at that point is DONE. God doesn’t need you to be His hero, only His example.
Besides, His is waaaaaaaay better than ours any day 😉
You disagree?
When was the last time you washed the feet of the person who betrayed you the most?
“Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, of a truth I perceive that God is NO respecter of persons: But in every Nation he that feareth Him, and working righteousness, IS ACCEPTED WITH HIM.” (Acts 10:34-35) What IS righteousness? To be without shame? Guilt? Sin? 
I hate to burst your homophobic bubble but NONE of us will EVER have ANY of those thing’s until we get Home. 
I was raised Southern Baptist so allow me to say this: “IN CLOSING….” lol Sorry, it was getting tense for you I know, so I wanted to help relieve some of your pressure. Seriously though, I was at Kroger with my 9yr old son. We were walking towards the cereal when two men were coming from the same aisle. Turning the corner we nearly ran into them. 
They were holding hands. 
 We all said “sorry, excuse me…”
They passed as we walked on and Ezra said: “Mommy, why were they holding hands?” At first I lied and said that I didn’t know but I felt like an ass so I stopped right in the aisle and said “Well Ezra, why am I holding your hand baby?” He looked up at me,
smiled so innocently and said with the utter most confidence: “Because you love me…” 

Let God be God my family…and we’ll stick to just loving one another,
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: August 4th 2011

 So here it is 2:30am I’m all alone driving down the road and all of a sudden everything that screams “BAD NEWS” when your car is about to die happens.
I pulled right into a parking lot, right when I placed the car in park it happened…
Dead.
Ugh…
Calling everyone I would think would be up at that hour to NO avail.
I in Cheryl like fashion went into immediate panic mode.
Calling my husband,
daughter,
son,
and of course no one can hear their phone or weren’t in the same room as their phones.
Again,
ugh….
FINALLY got a hold of my daughter who got her dad, my husband.
Granted he’s not supposed to drive at night but I was in sheer panic. I HATE being by myself late at night anyway, but to be broken down? That is THE worst.
Thank God he got there my heartbeat went to throbbing to calm as he said words of encouragement about everything being ok.
Thinking I needed a jump, I popped the hood only to see it, there, looking at me as if to say a big “FUCK YOU FOR BEING POOR.” The serpentine belt to my car just laying there…bastard.
Thank God for Progressive Insurance! They tow your car ya know? I strongly recommend them. Nicest people ever…even at 3am in the morning to a panicked crazy lady;)
They said it would be an hour…
40min later there the tow truck guy was in all his glory! I was so happy to see him.
My husband asked him “You want us to follow!?”
“Ummm nah, I’ll follow you if that’s okay. I know where you are, but it’ll be easier to find your drive way if you’re ahead of me.”
So off we went!
About 5min down the road my husbands cell rings.
It was progressive with a recording saying “Your tow truck will arrive in approx 20min.”
My husband laughed as he stated “wow they’re on top of things huh?”
Until I opened my big mouth with: “Great, if they’re going to be another 20min who in the hell is this with my car attached to his truck that we’re leading right into our driveway?” I laughed out loud and continued with “Suuure he knew where to go…of course it would be easier for us to pull in first, so we couldn’t get out maybe.” My husband looked at me with a glare in his eye, his smile wiped away and sternly said “there is something wrong with you. Why the hell would you even say that? It’s 3:30 in the damn morning and now I don’t even want to pull into the house…You know? THIS is why Serenity (our oldest child a tad obsessed with the dark side 😉 is so crazy…You watch way to much of that Criminal Minds shit Cheryl….Good Lord what the hell…? What were you thinking to say that shit right now?”
I could not help myself from laughing the whole way home. I guess I didn’t think about that thought spooking the shit outta him. I just thought, well, guess I didn’t think!
Hahaha
Maybe I do watch too much of Criminal Minds, Law And Order, NCIS, and any other fake, or real life crime show that’s on television. However BECAUSE of that I would be the girl who makes it into the sequel! (happy thought?)
TRUE STORY.
If I hear a noise at my front door I DO NOT GO OUT THERE!
If I pull into the house and my front door is open…I sure as hell won’t go in!
These are the things people need to think about you know!
Although….We did drive into the driveway with the tow truck behind us…

Until next time…DON’T EVER OPEN THE DOOR 😉

CHERyL~