Gesuschic

WRITTEN: November 13th 2011

I just feel so sad… I can’t help but to be so overwhelmed by grief. I know, I know, I write/blog/tweet about it all the time but around these months it’s that much worse for me. Last night was yet another reason this time of year sucks. Our friends, our neighbors left for South Carolina. My poor sweet boy, Charlie is just heartbroken. It took awhile to adjust after moving here. It seemed like a few years there our lives were so shaky. When we finally got moved in, settled and the kids started yet ANOTHER school Charlie had the rockiest of starts. He didn’t have many friends and just leaving our church he was picked on ect…It was rough for awhile there. But then he met Cameron. For the first time in a VERY long time Charlie had a best friend. A “brother from another mother.” Cameron’s family was Charlies family too. He loved them that much. Even Ryan, Cam’s dad who seemed so intimidating to Charlie, he loved him too. Cam’s l’il sister and brother were an added joy to Charlies life. He adored his sister…to the point he would always say: “Mom, when I grow up and get married I hope I have a Rilynne.” lol 
When he called from Youth Group last night I could tell there was something wrong. He wasn’t my normal Charlie. 
He was really sad.
“Mom, please come and get me…I don’t want to cry in front of everyone.” As a mom you want to do everything you can to protect your child from all of life’s unfair reality’s. One of them being…When a dear friend moves away. 
It’s one thing to lose them across town, church splits, ect but another State? 
When he got into the car he just lost it. My heart was in my throat as I struggled to not cry myself. I felt so bad for him and I still do. My sweet boy.
All day today he just wasn’t himself, very quiet and sad. I went on a walk with him and he said “Mom, usually at this time I’d be asking if I can run down to Cam’s…” as he put his head to the ground…sigh…
I KNOW we’ll be visiting Cameron and his family because they are amazing people and my son adores every single one of them, but for now he hurts. 
Any kind of a lose you have in death, a move, grown apart ect is really hard. Change like that is so sad and difficult. I’ve never been one to adapt well to change and sadly my children have had to learn how over and over for the past 5 yrs while their dad and I get our shit together.
It sucks man.
I feel as though I’ve failed as a mom in protecting my kids from the smallest to the biggest of heartbreaks and failures. 
I wish I could take all of Charlies pain so he wouldn’t ever have to feel lose of any kind ever again. 
Serenity too!
They both have lost friends…too many friends. 
95% of the time was all my fault. 
I just hope Cameron and his mom, Loria know how LOVED and missed they will be EVERYDAY. I swear to God if I had the money I would have packed up house and been right behind them on the freeway to that new start at the Ocean 😉 we’re about to move again…and Charlie will again start another school but there is no doubt in my mind he will never EVER meet anyone as genuine and true as Cameron Fuller. 
If you and your mom happen to ever read this please know I can never say enough THANK YOU’S for being Charlies friend when he had none. And being his family when he needed more…I LOVE you and adore you. 

ALWAYS,
CHERyL~

RE~WRITTEN: October 29th 2011

It was warm outside. One of those summer nights where it was comfortable, not too hot or cold. Just right. perfect for what God was about to do.
I was 16 years old.
Raised in a Baptist family who had never mentioned nor practiced the gifts of God.
Although my family was amazing in their faith I had never actually experienced the POWER of God the Father.
I knew He was real, I knew He had sent His only Son to die for me to have everlasting life…but His power….I had never felt it to be so real until that night.

25 years ago there was a christian book store called Heartsong. I had a friend whom I met through school and she had stumbled upon it through some old friends. We started hanging out there every week end and eventually when my parents left their small baptist church I started going to church with her at the owner of Heartsongs church which was in Reynoldsburg.
I was so drawn to Rich and his wife Karen. They quickly became spiritual parents to me and I love them with all that I am even to this very day.
They were real.
Honest,
Beautiful,
Caring people.
I can honestly say they are still those very same people that touched my spirit so long ago in that tiny bookstore.
My walk with the Father took me to places I would have never imagined if I had stayed in that small Baptist church in Canal Winchester.
My spirit was so hungry for something more that I knew God had for me but I was clueless on how to find it.
Late Friday nights Rich would close up shop and shut down the lights and play worship music for those of us who wanted to stay and pray…and seek…and eventually…find.
For me, I was restless. Wanting to know what God wanted from me, in my life here on earth. I had been told a thousand times over how my soul was older than my age and now almost 40 am I realizing how true that was and still is.
One Friday night Rich wanted to pray over us as he usually did towards the ending of the evening but this night was different.
I had laid out on the floor under the pool table with such longing to hear from God on my life, my mission for being. It was unlike ANYTHING I had ever felt or gone through before.
I wasn’t leaving until I knew.
As Rich laid hands on me and began to pray it’s as if he too knew my heart was longing to hear something from God and he began to pray for the Lord to show me what I needed so desperately to see. It was then tears started falling from my eyes and it was as if my skin was peeling off and God was totally re-identifying who He was meaning for me to be. I know it sounds crazy…But it was so amazing. Here I was, when most teens are out into trouble, going to the latest movie, walking around the mall…I was in this darkened, peaceful room and God was moving and shaking my spirit to the point my life would NEVER be the same. My relationship with Him would NEVER be the same. For the first time in my life I was experiencing His almighty power within my heart, my spirit, my soul…I could feel it from the bottom of my biggest toe…all the way to the top of my head and every hair on my body was on edge.
It wasn’t until Matt Rice had also began to pray. Just a few years older than me he too was praying that God would show me a vision for my life.
And then it happened.
For the first time ever, a vision that I totally had no doubt God Himself was placing in my heart and spirit. I remember it so clear too. I couldn’t see any faces. However there were thousands of them…people…male and female just walking…Holding signs that had words like “Love me” “Don’t let me go” “I want to be loved” “I want to be wanted” and they were walking towards the edge of this huge cliff with a drop off never to be seen…At this point I was crying so hard I couldn’t even open my eyes because it would hurt to see what little light Rich had on in the store. Rich asked me what I was seeing and I told him. Through my tears I said “I’m supposed to help these people….” Rich was so in tune with my thoughts as he responded with “Cheryl…every part of my spirit is telling me those are aborted children.” The crazy thing is, as those words fell off of Rich’s lips I was already there. I knew that’s exactly what it was I was seeing. I just KNEW IT. Matt too confirmed that is what he saw but it wasn’t just the aborted children, he had said young girls who were single mothers….Not knowing where to turn and feeling all alone in their situation.
5 years had passed and sadly my relationship with the Lord came to a stand still in my own rebellion and all of a sudden I had found myself pregnant and unmarried. Sitting in a Planned Parenthood with three women telling me abortion as an option was the best for me because of my age and the fact I had just broken up with my boyfriend a few weeks earlier.
Heartsong on that sweet summer night at 1am in the morning, He knew where I would be in 4 years, He knew from that four years where I would be in 11 years…and from there till now, HE KNEW. I messed up! I stepped right out of His will and right into my own and even using MY very rebellion He lead me right back in line to HIS purpose and will for my life. I ask you WHAT OTHER God could do something so amazing, so perfect and so beautiful to where even in the midst of you thinking you are done for, He is STILL glorified in bringing you right out of your messed up situation?
My BIGGEST and GREATEST testimony of all is when young women ask me after hearing my story if I ever regretted the decision I made in CHOOSING to have my daughter….I get to tell them with true sincerity that I have never had it easy, it has been rough at times, but never, not even once, EVER did I regret giving birth, giving and choosing life to THE most precious thing that has ever happened to me. My daughter will be 18 soon. I can’t believe how bold she is for the gospel. Her ability to stand on His truth amazes me everyday. Sometimes she’s even the one to give me encouragement to keep pushing through and see what God does. I can’t ever even imagine what would of happened if I had stayed sitting in that Planned Parenthood and allowing those women to scare me into choosing death as an option for my baby, when life…is such a blessed thing. VISIONS…brought to life….Don’t ever allow ANYONE to tell you they aren’t for today, or they were for then, but not now because I am LIVING proof that’s a lie, my daughter is living proof…that’s just not so….Follow the Father and seek Him in all you do….HE IS FAITHFUL.

SELAH~
CHERyL

WRITTEN: October 18th 2011

It was December of 99′  and I was standing in the walk-way of Denny’s restaurant while my Husband was paying our bill.
An elderly lady walked up to me and asked if she could touch my stomach. A complete stranger laying hands on my belly would normally freak me out, but there was an odd comfort with this woman. I can’t even explain it. As her hands connected with my 7month pregnant belly there was a warm feeling that came over my entire body. The kind of feeling you get while walking into your Grandma’s house on a Sunday afternoon and smelling her homemade chocolate chip cookies all through the house. She smiled at me and said:
“With your Son God intends to heal your husband from his past childhood where physical abuse had taken place. But with this child you will find peace, and when you have his biological Son The Father will heal your husband from the emotional abuse he suffered.”
She blessed me, and walked out the front door and just like that, gone.
My Son Charlie was 3months old when Angel and I met, he’s the only father Charlie has ever known. A lot of people (including friends) never even realized Angel wasn’t Charlies biological Son!
They are so much alike…For the first year of our marriage Angel was so nervous getting to know Charlie and actually falling into place as his Dad…However when I became pregnant for a third time it was Angel who said “I KNOW this is a girl.” She was. A beautiful precious little girl who looked EXACTLY like her Daddy 🙂
Everything was perfect. We had our two girls, and our “little man.” It was 3months after having Hanja I began to have dizzy spells and losing my breath. Going in for a routine gull bladder removal they found a problem with my heart.
As a child I was born with congenital heart disease and at 14 had a valve correction done. I was completely fine my whole life until now…The doctor’s strongly suggested getting my tubes tied because getting pregnant would potentially kill me.
I couldn’t help but remember the l’il old lady at Denny’s nearly two years before. I refused to have my tubes tied. I just KNEW God had another plan. The Doctor was so annoyed he refused to do my heart surgery to the point he called me “selfish” for wanting another child.
However, it wasn’t about wanting another child…
It was about a Prophesy.
As I went under during my gall bladder surgery I had a vision. It was Christmas time. Angel was playing with Hanja as Charlie and Serenity decorated the tree. There was a baby carriage with a blue blanket draped over it by the couch where I was sitting. I knew it was a boy and I knew it was mine and Angel’s biological son.
Being raised in a non religious home his whole life Angel’s relationship with Jesus was all new as he still was figuring out a few things, one of which was knowing when you hear God’s voice.
The cardiologist we found in Cleveland wanted to do my valve replacement as soon as possible. He said time was NOT on our side. I was one breath away from a heart attack possibly death. My heart valve was taking all the blood from my heart that was supposed to go through my body and pumping it back into my heart, leaving it enlarged and my body with NO oxygen getting to it.
They insisted on a mechanical heart valve but with that…No more children.
Again, I REFUSED.
My husband was so hurt. He kept asking over and over “Cheryl…don’t you want to grow old with me?”
I kept telling him about my vision of the baby boy and the Prophesy from the little old lady but he didn’t care. He didn’t comprehend all of the gifts of the spirit or what they meant. All he knew was to think LOGICALLY when all I could do was think SPIRITUALLY.
I was asleep one night waking up startled and literally hearing the name “Ezra.” I had NO CLUE whose voice, where it came from, why I was dreaming about it…I began reading the book of Ezra and how he was a Prophet of God to inspire a King of Persia to commission a leader from the Jewish community to carry out a mission, the rebuilding of the Temple, purifying the Jewish community, and sealing the holy city itself behind a wall. I could not get what the lady at Denny’s said. That Angel’s biological son was going to be a healing from his past emotional abuse in his childhood.
The rebuilding of my husbands trust in a Holy Father, purifying his trust as Angel’s Heavenly Father and sealing that confidence within the walls of Angel’s broken spirit. Ezra wasn’t just Prophesied about, he was a VISION given to me. I KNEW it was God whispering to me in the night…Ezra’s name.
I kept everything to myself. Instead of fighting with my husband on weather or not to get a mechanical heart valve or a cadaver valve that may or may not last, I prayed. Wept before God begging HIM to reveal HIS plan, HIS will to mine and Angel’s life. I knew the ONLY way that my husband was going to know we were to have another child was if God Himself spoke to Angel directly.
Months passed…
Then late one night, I awoke again only this time it was my husband screaming the name “EZRA!!!” Crying and shaking as if he were a leaf in the wind, he jumped out of bed pacing back and forth…
I just started crying and asked him what happened.
“Cheryl…it was incredible. I was walking through a venue. All of our family and friends were there. People from my past in each room. I was being lead by a huge angelic like being showing me my life from when I was a child to now…We entered the main auditorium and there was a HUGE banner covered by a BLUE BLANKET. I asked what it said and the angel lifted his hand as the blue blanket fell off the name EZRA appeared. Cheryl…We are having another child. A boy, and I truly believe God wants his name to be Ezra.”
We both just sat there crying our eyes out. All I kept saying was “I know, I know…God told me too, months ago!”
I began sharing everything God had been telling me through people, dreams, visions…Angel couldn’t believe it.
The following Monday we went to the cardiologist and explained we were refusing the mechanical valve.
The doctor said “Just so I understand. You are willing to risk another open heart surgery..a third in fact…because of some dream?”
We politely said “yes” but what the Doctor didn’t understand was the fact it was NOT just a dream, this was indeed…”A GOD thing.” 😉
On October 18th 2000 I had my second open heart surgery, aortic valve replacement.” A few months later I became pregnant, and exactly ONE ENTIRE YEAR TO THE VERY DAY on OCTOBER 18th 2001 our precious, beautiful vision was brought to life on a gorgeous fall morning, Our baby Ezra.
You would fall to your knee’s if I told you the story’s of healing God brought to my husbands tortured soul through his son. But those remain private until Angel is ready to share. However, when mere men explain things in a LOGICAL point of view ALWAYS remember, as a Believer, we are to look at the spiritual, putting everything and I mean EVERYTHING even your life in the hands of God the Father. He truly does have a plan and a purpose for your life. It can happen in any given situation, place, time, in an instant or over time but no matter how, why or when He is GOD and He is still on the Throne and only God knows the ENTIRE picture for your life.
So…here we are.
10 years later.
Ezra is still our blessing,
our reminder,
our mission of healing, love, purification…
And 11 years to the day from a valve replacement that was only supposed to last 5-10 years MAYBE…and I’m healthy, alive, and sassy as ever.
GOD IS FAITHFUL.
He is good ALL the time and ALL the time God IS good.

EZRA~ “Meaning to HELP or SUPPORT. Judging from the Biblical contexts, this kind of help isn’t a mere assisting but an ESSENTIAL and INDISPENSABLE support, a requisite tied DIRECTLY into SURVIVING or not.”

Selah and Selah,
CHERyL~