My Life

Archived Posts from this Category

April 29, 2014

“Goodbye Moses.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life
[2] Comments 

As I drove down Tussing Road I felt it.
The lump in my throat, the pit in my stomach.
There are certain people you look to and expect them to be there forever.
Rich Fout was one of those people.
He is the one who told me about the King’s Place. A christian rock hall.
If you were a Christian Rock band in the 80’s, you weren’t “in” unless you played there.
Every single time my friends and I went to see Bride, Tourniquet, Holy Soldier, Barren Cross ect…Driving down Tussing, the excitement would build and as you were turning into the long ass drive way you could always see people lining up. Laughter, anticipation, happiness filled that parking lot as we all stood in those lines waiting to see our hero’s rock it out.
But this particular day…Was different. We wouldn’t be throwing up into the air our lighters or metal horns, windmillin’ our long hair or head banging and screaming as the lights went down.
No..Not this day.
Today we were all coming together one last time. To say goodbye…To our favorite hero of them all.
Our Godfather.
Our Moses.
The one person who was always, always there.
It was the summer of 87′ Mary Burnett and I were out and about and she took me to HeartSong. The first two people I met in the door were Scott Walton and Rich Fout.
I swear from the moment my eyes looked at theirs, I fell in love with both of them.
Rich was like a never-ending cup of wisdom, love, compassion, understanding, discipline, genuineness (just to name a few), that poured into my spirit as slow as I needed it, or as fast as I needed it.
I had the best Parents any child could ask for. But The Godfather was an “added blessing” of parental love. The kind of love that’s true, loyal, unconditional. He and Karen were my “cool parents.” I honestly could sit here for hours blogging about the characteristics that made Rich so special to a group of crazy teenagers who had no clue what we had in that old record store…but in all seriousness, there are no words.
To truly grasp the knowledge of why our heartbreak was so unbearable in losing Rich, you would had to of had that Godfather experience.
Few people have that bizarre quality of being all things to all people to the point you could connect with them no matter where they were at.
A child who looked at faith with such simplicity, a teenager who was angry at the world, a young arrogant adult who felt had all the answers, an older person with higher education and dropped one hundred-dollar words, it didn’t matter who you were, or where you were in life.
Rich Fout loved you RIGHT WHERE YOU WERE AT.
He never understood why God chose him, he just knew that He did and he picked up that mantle and carried it with humility, love and passion.
In my mind Rich Fout was an A~List Celeberty who, without question, would humbly kneel and wash the feet of the poorest of the poor or the richest of the rich. He didn’t bother with “should I…could I…what about…Well…” Rich Fout pursued the hurting. He chased after the broken. He loved those whom the world tossed aside and those the church chose to forget.
He was love. Point blank. Pure love…
Rich’s life was crazy, but he was the most beautiful picture of redemption.
He was our Moses.
Guiding us through a wilderness of a broken battered world and picking up every stray along the way and just lovin’ on ’em.
He had vision.
And NEVER lost sight of it.
That vision was to reach those who felt abandoned, lost and unworthy.
To find them and love them with the perfect pure love of Jesus.
REVIVAL…
So now what?
Rich has graduated from this life and entered into HIS Canaan. But that vision…THAT vision he taught us through EXAMPLE and not just words, is still very much alive. And waiting for Joshua to rise up, grab the mantle and move forward in Courage.
Well…
HERE AM I.
The mantle…excuse me…The cigar 😉 has been placed down upon the ground. Our leader has gone to stroll with Jesus on streets of gold. But I will tell you this, just as Jesus roots and cheers for us throughout our journey, the next biggest cheerleader in Heaven is Rich Fout. He went Home on Friday morning April 18th 2014 because he knew we would get “it.”
As in we would know what to do.
The past few years we have lost AMAZING men of God.
Pastor Chuck Smith, Pastor Dave Brown, Pastor James Moody, Larry Norman, Rich Mullins, Keith Green…Rich Fout.
The battle is NOT over. There is work needing to be done. There are broken people who are counting on SOMEONE…ANYONE to notice them missing. There are teenagers who are secretly wishing to God that just one freaking person would chase after them. Hold them until they stop screaming and break down weeping! THIS is now OUR time to take everything that has been taught to us, breathed into our spirit, spoken over us in prayer and fasting for YEARS. We can no longer hold onto it. We need to review our lessons, because what you don’t review…you can forget.
So here it is;
LOVE without condition.
REACH even if they aren’t reaching back.
RUN after the lost, hurting, broken and forgotten.
NEVER relent.
ALWAYS know that to God ALL glory be.
We have our marching orders.
It’s now time for the students to become the teachers.
We’ve done our weeping.
We’ve said goodbye to Moses.
Now…we rise.
Let’s do this…
WHO is with me?

Onward Christian Soldier,
Gesuschic
Joshua 1:16 & 17 (kjv)

Image

 

March 5, 2014

“Hold My Mule…”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life | Tags: , , , |
Leave a Comment 

The past few months I get these crazy ideas. Through my dreams, people I meet, random events. I get what my mom used to call “Holy Goose Bumps.” You would think at 41yrs old (accepting the Lord at 15) there wouldn’t be a whole lot that should shock me.
But the Lord does it.
Sunday afafternoon Pastor Matt had an “off script” service. The kind where you have a sermon planned but the Holy Ghost politely took over the service during worship 🙂 Ever since Angel walked out of our life, it’s been a roller coaster ride for my womanhood, my mothering, my friendships and faith. I constantly feel as though I’m walking up hill towards cold wind.
The confidence I once had as a Christian knowing God’s voice has been shattered and with that the clarity of my effectiveness to make decisions. I think there was a part in submission I failed. My views on that will never change. No matter what happened in my marriage, I will not let it destroy the foundations of my belief, however…shaken they may have been. But although an obvious freedom in submission there is a certain responsibility to myself and my children where I should have prepared myself. Learned a triad and had money aside. Having my house in order “just in case.” I’m not even speaking of a “what if” divorce scenario either. No matter what the circumstance my house wasn’t in order and I allowed myself to be unprepared. God is slowly teaching me on how to look pass the favor. Sounds crazed huh? Let me explain. I think, no, no, no. I believe that no matter where you find yourself in life, God will always show you favor and blessing. The sheer fact you are His! If you are lost, poor, wealthy, a King…a pauper…YOU are favored ❤ What I mean by looking past the favor, is from a completely different angle, perspective, thought..
and by doing that, you not only see the favor, the blessing.
But the actual revelation of who God actually is…as God.
All sovereignty, all power, all might.
Since I lost my “good job” back in October and the kids and I had to move in with friends ect, ect. I have not had any luck on finding another good job.
Either scheduling conflicts or money, transportation whatever the case! I’ve had NO luck, lol I could care less about living in another suburb or having a nice ride, who really cares? I just want our own place again. For Big Green to keep on trucking and to just LIVE. I never realized how numb and empty I was until the night Angel shut the door behind him. 
It’s as if the door closed…and I gasped for what felt like the first breath I had taken in years.
Anyway, one, two, three jobs…for jobs…all came and went for me and it just seemed as though I couldn’t catch a break. Then I met Miss Peggy 🙂 An amazing woman (who I’ll always covet our time) who had started her own business and needed help. Things were going great. I loved this job. The only thing that had been on my mind was more money. I knew in order for us to have our own place I would need to make more cash. I’m not going to go into every detail about things leading up to Sunday but let’s just say the enemy was lurking around the camp and God stood at attention and guarded us from that little devil’s every move.
Sunday morning was a rush as usual. It had started snowing, we had a long two weeks as a family and truthfully NONE of us wanted to go to church. But as I laid there in my bed I just kept thinking “We need to go…” All of my kids were pissed off at me for making them get up and go, but if there is one thing I’ve learned. If you expect something, it’ll come.
God moved Sunday at church. He moved gently, hovering about my family as a couple of us began to cry and hold hands. As Pastor Matt laid hands on my Hanja and began to pray, my body began to feel as though I was floating at that point I knew I had to press in and pray for my kids. Their futures, their spouses, their every day life, and at that moment I felt another hand latch onto my pinky finger.
It was my oldest, Charlie. He was now crying too.
Pastor Matt called on him and men, real men of God, some that I’ve known since high school, some just a few short years, even months. They surrounded my son as he stood there weeping for the first time I had ever seen.
I could go on and on but I’ll move to the ride home.
We were laughing, having a good time when I noticed a text I had gotten from my boss.
Beyond Peggy’s control things happened and she had no other choice but to let me go 😦 I laughed and said a few words trying not to let my kids know a rub was just pulled out from under us, again. Later that evening I told my oldest daughter what happened and she just started crying. You would have thought she lost the job, lol But like I said earlier it’s been a long hard road since “he” left us.
“I’m not going to panic” I told myself. Just like so many times the past few years I repeated “I’ll get over it, it’s just a bump in the road.”
So far the road has sucked…But by the words in my OWN testimony from earlier that day at church “There’s a revelation here, somewhere there is a revelation I need to see.” I called a friend I had worked with, Kim. She informed me she could get me a few hours here and there but nothing concrete. I totally didn’t care, at this point I just need to keep moving, keep working. It was late, so she called the owner the next day. Again I’ll spare details but basically there was a period of FOUR SMALL HOURS where I was calling Kim, she was calling the owner, I was doing “mom stuff” and strategically GOD ordained another phone call between the owner, Kim and then mine. A NEW client. Who pays the same exact pay I got at my “good job” from back in October. Monday thru Friday…normal people hours 🙂 The owner said to me “If I had talked to you yesterday or tomorrow these hours wouldn’t be there. This is completely God timed for you Cheryl.”
Now, I could tell you how just that morning I had told my daughter “Even though I need full-time to be able to get us a place again, I’ll take whatever.” Or just that Friday telling my son “Sometimes, God has a plan we know nothing about yet.” Sooo many things said, prayed for, so many…And will this be the perfect job?
Will it lead on to the point it’s permanent?
I don’t know.
I don’t know any of those answers. I do know, however. That God has me. Even when the devil is poking and poking at my family, and throwing life circumstances at us one right after another, God always glides in like Tom Cruise across the floor in his socks in Risky Business…HAHAHA…and saves the day.
When all is hopeless, He is God.
When all is good. He is God.
When all is lost, He is God.
When all is well, He is God.
The revelation? A situation arising weeks before in my job with Peggy, yet God knew that phone call, that client needed service but had to call the owner of my old job at that day, that hour, that moment because I would need FULL TIME, GOOD PAY hours.
How awesome is He?
A million over a million times has God “pulled moves” like this since I can remember while I’ve journeyed with Him and every single time it takes my breath away of how faithful He is to me.

Selah…
Cheryl
NOTE: Hold My Mule reference courtesy Shirley Caesar 🙂 Look it up!

 

 

August 27, 2013

“Everything’s Not Lost.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life, Uncategorized
[2] Comments 

I was at the gas station with my daughter last week and as I put the car in park she asked; “Mom, do you know what today is?” It took half a breath before the date rushed into my head and my heart sank right into my belly. “August 17th Mom…He left us exactly one year ago today.”
When he first left us I tried to always keep busy. For all kinds of reasons. To appear strong for the four people counting on me to keep it all together, to show my friends I was strong, to prove a point to him I wasn’t going to fall apart…but mostly, even though I hate to admit it. My reason was selfish. I didn’t want o have any time for me to think about him. To torture myself on the cruel things he said as to why he left. Although every excuse was bullshit when someone slams your confidence in just about everything you thought you were doing right, it’s a massive blow to who you are.
I thought my two oldest were “over it…” He said he left me not the kids, but just like everything else that was a lie…He left every single one of us that day. August 17th 2012 I must say the last few weeks he has put more effort into “our children” but the two oldest, even though he raised them? No…none…it’s as if they were completely expendable. That breaks my heart in half and hatred lurks around my soul like a snake whenever I stop and ponder on the hurt my two oldest children have gone through because of all of this. Later that evening I’m scrolling through Instagram and my second oldest has a post of a memo, simply stating; “It’s been a year since you walked out on us. And it’s still hard to believe it was just that easy for you.”
As a mother you have these beautiful babies God blesses you with and in both situations my oldest children changed my entire life. They rescued me…In my rebellion and running from God I became pregnant with my daughter and in the Ministry I’ve been called to, she is my testimony of His amazing grace and unconditional love through forgiveness.
My son…I was losing focus, doing things no mother should be doing, getting a bit crazy and in getting pregnant with him (even though doubly protected 😉 ) God slowed my roll, haha.
I was so careful when I first started dating my Ex-Husband. It was almost 4 months before I even let him see my kids. Longer than that before I started bringing him to my place and spending time with my kids. I wanted to be so sure that I wasn’t bringing someone around their precious delicate lives who would end up leaving. I thought I did everything right, to protect them. But here we are…one year later and they are still so completely broken. No matter how much I love them, hug them, kiss the, tell them they are wanted, needed…there will always be that brokenness of being…forgotten.
What can you do for that?
Absolutely nothing…In time, sadly as they grow older and venture off into their own lives separate from mine, they will have to conquer those demons of abandonment and feeling of being tossed to the side and in the midst of it all, still maintain a relationship with my two youngest children without resentment or jealousy. It really sucks how someone elses actions can have such an effect on another…sigh.
One year…wow…I can’t quite believe it. I think I’ve gone through every single emotion known to man in the past 12 months…all but one.
Grief…
My heart never went through this. Until yesterday. Our youngest daughter was baptized and surprisingly he wanted to go. With all of the baptisms he had done himself, teenagers he ministered too, strangers he lead to the Lord, his sister, her husband…He loved that. It was one of the things he lived for. It hit me as Pastor Matt and Craig baptized our baby girl, he should have been doing it. Pastor Dave just a decade earlier baptized him at Alum Creek…and it was so emotional, so beautiful…how could he not be thinking of these things? Driving down the road after leading some kids to the Lord and them wanting to be baptized, my Ex-Husband found a pool…hahaha…and baptized these three teenagers and the Lord was moving so hardcore. I can’t even explain yesterday. I came home that day, went to bed feeling so blessed about my baby girl and her decision to follow Christ example in water baptism but all I could do was cry..just grieved by all that has been lost this past year for our family. How much God had in store for our life. Not that He still does not have a plan for the kids and myself..He does. But what could have been…just thrown away. I can’t help but wonder did I pray enough? Did I seek God hard enough? Free-will has a nasty side effect…the emotions of those left behind dealing with the shattered pieces of someone’s selfish choice. I always knew I was supposed to be a wife.
My two oldest deserve a family, united. Complete with dinner party’s, church outings, Christmas gatherings and celebrated birthdays. I don’t give a rats ass about “modern families” in the 21st Century. They deserve a traditional family. It’s what I prayed for when I had them…The very thing I fasted for before meeting my Ex-Husband…It’s traditional, but I don’t care.
So what now…How is God going to fix this hot mess?
My flesh streams tears down my face as I type, my heart is heavy and my mind is stressed…but deep down I know, I know…He will.

Image

 

May 7, 2013

Song in my head…constantly.

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

The song speaks for itself, (and for me). No matter what life throws at me, I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. It’s in my nature and I refuse to allow any circumstance beyond my control to change that about me.

 

Someday,
Cheryl~

 

May 7, 2013

“Out Of The Crevice It Creeps…”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

I have this constant feeling that hides away in the crevice of my soul  and whenever I  feel intimidated or nervous about a situation, it creeps it’s way right into the forefront of my mind and it sits there like a big fat Buddha.  Since the divorce being final I’ve been slowly but surly finding my way back to the Cheryl I was before everything went south. My biggest thing having trouble edging it’s way back into my sassy character is my self confidence.
I never had issue with being confident before.
It came easy for me, very natural. My father was a Marine you see…and my mom…well, she had a very hard life. Both of them learned at very young ages that being confident in yourself will get you anywhere you need to go. It would also give you the strength to move past the ones who didn’t care, let you down, and under estimated you. And it’s that very last one that get’s me every single time. Just when I think I’ve got it, someone under estimates me. Whether it be at my job, church, friends or just every day life…I get this feeling from someone that I just don’t measure up to their standard, or their type of quality, and at that point out of the crevice it comes. My lack of self confidence. I get insecure in not being good enough to measure up to some lame losers self righteous standard of who I ought to be to get “cool points” enough to be “accepted.”
In all actuality if I were confident enough, their opinion would be…appreciated…however, not needed for my approval of who I am.
My confidence at one point was my BEST character trait…
This is something if not born with, you need to work damn hard to achieve. It’s just like losing weight. It’s so freakin’ hard to lose it and keep it off. Both are equally difficult. Confidence is the same way, once you have it, it’s hard to keep it. Ya see what I mean?
You can’t allow yourself to be overly confident because then it slides right into arrogance and to me, that’s disgusting. It can make even the most beautiful, very ugly. There needs to be a balance. One that people can see. If you find it, people will be drawn to you. I’m at a loss…I can’t seem to grasp what I once had. Everytime I think I have, something happens. Something is said, done, or a thought enters in my head and I lose it. I “fumble the ball” sort a speak. I hate that feeling of needing to measure up to people’s expectations. If I had that certainty in myself,  I would understand that their expectations are merely flaws they once seen in themselves, and don’t want to be reminded of through your lack of confidence. To me it’s simple logic man…but grabbing a hold of something and keeping it are two VERY different things.
This is my struggle.
My stronghold of the day.
A friend prayed over me at Church the other night, and while she was praying she spoke a few words directly to me. They all struck me deeply but one truly face palmed me right in that crevice I was referring to earlier.
“Cheryl, you need to walk in that identity that The Father created you to have and not that, of the hard road you’ve been given.”
Are you even serious?
The very thoughts I keep to myself God has a way to reveal them regardless if I want to “deal” or not. Because even though I FEEL as though I’m NOT ready to face that stronghold, God knows me better than I know me, and He says when.
So here I am today, tonight…right now.
Subject~ Confidence.
Issue~ Lacking It.
Action~ Dealing with it.
Goal~ Have it RESTORED.

Selah~
Cheryl

 

December 10, 2012

“I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life
Leave a Comment 

I can’t believe the year is almost over. Last year at this time I was expecting so many different things. My life was planned out, a new place, fresh start, new job…It was finally happening and actually going in a good direction for once.  However, my life can never go as planned. Just as I am sure of the sky being blue someone will change the color scheme to grey.  A year ago I would have fallen apart.
But like I said my life never goes as planned…ever.
I haven’t fallen apart. I’m still here, breathing, living, one foot right in front of the other. I used to have this music box when I was a little girl. It was square, plastic. Inside was two hot pink butterfly’s with black tips and when you wound it up it played “Never Promised You A Rose Garden.” Little did I know then that would be the theme song to the story of my life 🙂 I go through these stages where I’m completely okay with the rose garden’s none existence. Sometimes I’m not. I get pissed off, angry and I tend to feel sorry for myself and start asking God these ridiculous questions of  “why does so and so get…”
The past few months I’ve had to dig deep. Deep into my heart and my soul. What truly DEFINES me? Is it having someone to love me as my Mother and Grandmother had for 30 plus years?
Is it being a mother?
My career?
Being a woman in general? What is it?
To be defined is simply knowing the true nature of something with one word…or a sentence. If you could be defined by word or one complete sentence what would it be to you?
You can’t ask other people. You never want the opinions of others define who YOU are. Of course you want respect of others around you so to have them see a glimpse of the definition of you is important but it’s not the be all end all because you could have a bad first impression, a falling out, a crappy moment where you lost it…those can develop into what people may THINK defines YOUR true nature but does it really?  Jesus was totally right on when He said  “Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them..” (Matthew 7:20KJV)
When my life looked as though it was crumbling into pieces I had a dear friend say to me “What can I do?” My immediate response is always “Mom Mode.” “Just pray for my kids…” My friend said “Cheryl…the best thing you can do for those babies is to simply show them Jesus in the worst time of your lives.”
I still weep like a baby when I think back on our conversation. Because that is the one thing I remember growing up. My mom always showing me Jesus.
When my mom was sick…smiles, prayers and laughter.
We lost our home…Smiles, prayers and laughter…
My brother dying…Smiles, prayers and laughter…
I was always shown the Jesus that made the journey to the cross so very desirable, through my mom’s unshaken faith in the best of times and the very worst of times. The fruit I so wish to share is that of love, humility, joy, laughter, peace and perseverance. The very thing I desire to define ME, CHERYL INGRAM is grace.
But not just any grace…God’s grace.
That even in the face of trials and cruel changes of the wind, be it unintentional or not…I need that to define me, I want that to define me.
It’s not an easy thing to conquer but even so, it CAN be conquered. To find that forgiveness, mercy and grace because with them in hand I can walk to the cross one step at a time and lay there all of my anger, my hurt, my brokenness and leave it for Jesus to cover it all so that my kids and even others can see what truly does define me. It’s easy to become bitter. Focusing on things that can NEVER be changed yet still make you as angry as if they had just happened, isn’t healthy. What consumes you, WILL control you and as a Believer in Jesus that can be dangerous. Bitterness to a Christian is like a Cancer. I can’t stop now…My kids NEED to see Jesus and I NEED to soak in that effortless grace to be able to show Him to them. I fail man…All of the time. But every new breath I breathe is another opportunity for a “Jesus do-over.” Life can never promise you a rose garden, however any ending whether by your choice or another,   lies a new direction for a fresh start in grace.

SELAH~
Cheryl

 

 

September 13, 2012

“Perspective.”

Posted by Gesuschic under My Life
Leave a Comment 

When you take a moment to sit down and reflect on your life and compare to where you are to where you were, it’s odd how many different perspectives people can have.
Even if they’ve walked the same path.
The journey of life can be so different to so many people even if the last few chapters were shared together.
I can’t speak for anyone but myself. However, it can be incredibly heartbreaking to find even after walking through hell and making it out to the other side the person you walked along side has decided it just wasn’t enough.
My view of life is through stained glass windows and it’s not because I block out the horrors of my life, it’s because I choose to find the amazing beauty in whatever moment comes my way. My brother would say to me “we were poor, but mom and dad never let us know it.” lol I suppose that’s why I am the way I am. Adding the amount of loss I’ve endured I can’t be any other way.
It’s not that my reality isn’t up to par to cold hard truth, it’s just that I CHOOSE to live a life embracing the blessings I’ve had and have. Life is completely unpredictable man. It’s there, right there. Sadly you can’t always choose the path life decides to grant to you, but you can definitely choose on how you walk it. Some people choose to constantly work at being “better.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However in doing that some people can lose sense of the truly amazing moments. You get so caught up in striving for what you could have instead of enjoying and basking in the blessings of what you already do.
My life, looking back had it’s dark, dreary moments but my God…the simplistic moments. The ones that I truly cherish, I cling to them. I want them for my children.
Laughter all through the night with a friend talking about bands, boys, dreams…Waking up on Sunday mornings to my mom in the kitchen preparing that afternoons lunch humming and singing old hymns, going swimming in the old water hole every Saturday afternoon with my brothers, weekend bonfires, concerts at the King’s Place freezing my butt off waiting to get inside, lol The birth of my children, falling in love for the first time, getting my license, my first car, my first kiss…These moments keep me grounded.
I can ponder on the bad.
I was raped at a very young age.
Tortured by bully’s in high school.
Had someone tell me they no longer were in love with me when I still loved them so fuckin’ much with all I had….
My heart has been broken.
My emotions truly beat down and left with no hope.
Those moments made me strong. Without them I would have never of learned how to be a survivor. But without the moments in my life that kept me and to this day still keep me grounded, rooted to be exact…I would have never of learned that I was so much more than the passing moment of a heartbreak.
I too refuse to live my life a certain way that would cause me to forget where I came from. I won’t worry about tomorrow. No man is promised it! And today, TODAY I choose to just live in the simplicity of MY path. I will walk this life and I will have joy as my company, laughter as my support and the pure genuine love of friends, family, strangers to help guide me through each and every turn.
I can’t stop heartache.
Of course the roadblocks will be there but they are moments to remind me of the strong person my parents taught me to be and help me realize that their lessons weren’t in vain, But now my reality of what I myself, also believe.
The heartache, sadness, pain will all eventually pass. You will move on, I…will…move…on…one foot right in front of the other. However, the joy of just being who you are, RIGHT where you are, those moments will keep you moving.
No one can say for certainty on what another may or may not “see coming” toward them because in all fairness people see life through different views, different windows, lol And right now mine are all open! Life is totally different than what I expected it to be today but hey…It may be raining but the wind is softly blowing and smell of fresh rain is comforting.

Abide~
Cheryl

 

« Previous Page