Gesuschic

My weight has been an issue for YEARS as I stated in my last blog. I’m finally on that edge of where I’ve been trying to get too, but something (a lot of things actually) is different.
It’s not so much about that number on the scale or the jean size I’m wearing. The smaller numbers are wonderful of course, I never get tired of seeing them.
But again, as Mark (Kenney) tells me over and over, I need to learn to accept compliments. My strongholds try to linger around, and being that I’m just a mere human, some days are easier than others.
Usually, my sparkling personality has no problem telling something or someone to “fuck off” however, it’s not always that easy.
Reviewing what you know is essential. We tend to forget what we choose to never review. (Read that again;) )
Have you ever seen a funny movie and years later watch it again and fall over dying with laughter because of a funny part you “forgot all about?” Life lessons are the same way. My weight loss journey has been up, down, up, round…HAHA This time it’s completely different. Mark told me a million times before you can’t lose weight without healing and cleansing your mind. It’s true. people lose tons of weight and they can’t deal with the physical change in their body because of the mental state of their brain. How we see ourselves, others…
I’m at the point in my weight loss you can SEE the difference. I have heard in the past 6 weeks more than a dozen people say to me “Oh my God Cheryl, you’re so little…you’re little!!!” “Look how little you are!” “Cheryl!? You’re so little!” “C..h..e..r..y..l….you are soooo little…oh my goodness.”
At one time I’d roll my eyes at all of those compliments. I didn’t believe them. But now…?
I smile.
WIDE.
Big stoner ass grin on my face, haha
I laugh, out loud and soak in the word “little” in comparison to…me.
I KNOW it’s true. I am getting smaller. I view life COMPLETELY different this time. I feel more…free.
I KNOW I’m beautiful.
I KNOW I’m attractive.
I got this.
I still have insecurities. But listen, you can’t lose weight and have the same mindset you started with as a fat person. You can be a size fuckin’ zero and still have a fat ass mindset and fuck yourself up. Let me be clear, Mark NEVER used those exact words, (he’s NOT cruel people!) but basically that’s what it is.
Whenever you start a journey, no matter what it is in life. Live your moments.
LIVE YOUR MOMENTS.
Be in them. Become  thoroughly soaked in them. Review them. Always remember from one moment to the next…It’s important.
I walked a 3 mile hike with Mark and his kick ass wife.
The whole hike I believe was six miles. I was incredibly disappointed in myself for not being able to do the whole thing. But when Mark posted our pictures on Facebook it hit me in the face like one of his Markism’s (haha). There were two pictures, moments apart. In one I looked like death. You’d have to be an absolute moron to not know at that very moment I wanted to lay down on the ground and wait for Jesus and His second coming. The other picture though…my face. I’m crying typing my blog about it right now, on God. When I looked at that picture I remembered EXACTLY how I felt in THAT very moment.
I was at peace.
Exhausted, feeling like death, a bit disappointed but all in all I was proud at how far I had come. My God a year ago I would NEVER had made it passed those damn stairs…all 50 thousand of them (not really but…haha) Two years ago I was content in my misery fearing what it could possibly be like to face it. Yet that Saturday I was there. I made it half way. HALF WAY. Every moment you live through will take you into the next. One moment I felt like death, annoyed with myself.. the very next moment I KNEW I’d come back to that hike and finish. No worries or disappointment. Only confidence, in myself.
Soak it in.
Purge those insecurities, those strongholds. Purify your heart, your mind.
SEE YOURSELF. Once you begin to do that everything, EVERYTHING will change for you. The people you choose to befriend, the company you keep, the books you read, your job performance, your relationships (even the one you have with the Lord) it will change for you. You’ll start falling in love with you and it will be wonderful.
Fear is a nasty little bitch.
As I look back at just a few short years ago, who I was. Never thinking I could do a hike is more frightening to me than not knowing if I ever could or not, ya dig?
The next time I blog about this hike I will be telling you all I did the whole thing. NO MORE BEING AFRAID on this very private, long, tearful and joyous journey. I will never go back to before. It’s as if I’m losing weight for the first time. I’m being introduced to a newer Cheryl every day and I’m crazy about her. I like who I’m becoming. Take pictures, have a friend take one at pivotal points in your journey and review them. Ponder on that moment. What was going through your mind.  How you felt. Don’t compare it to shit! Just remember that moment. These are my two pictures. Mark took them. What was going through my mind in each of them is a world of difference, moments apart. MOMENTS apart. No matter your journey, just keep going. Who cares where you are in life, as long as you grab onto hope and MOVE….Just keep moving gangsta, you got this. Look at me in these pictures.
What if I had laid on that ground? I would never have found my peace in that very…next… moment. One moment defeat was lingering, but the very next……
Selah

PLEASE NOTE: The names in this very personal blog (with the exception of Mark Kenny and Rich Fout) have been changed. Please understand, I will not discuss this blog with anyone. The only reason for it being written is because of a selfish one. My weight loss. This chapter in my life began a very, very rough road for me. Obesity being a huge part. (no pun intended, lol I apologize, but I have to laugh or I’ll begin to wither.) Mark Kenny (His Real Name) pissed me off a long time ago when he said my weight was a result of healing I hadn’t gone through. Only these past two years have I realized he was right. I’m at a pivotal point in my weight, and frankly, I need to heal in this area before moving forward. I’m at the last two pounds before I reach my FIRST goal. They need to fuckin’ go. They can leave with this cruel truth of their sick beginning and fuck off into oblivion forever.
Can I say that?

It was the coolest club house I had ever seen. It had two rooms with a long hallway separating them. You had to bend down to get through the front and only door. Even me, at 10yrs old.
 Brian and Tony designed and built it all by themselves. You could only go in by invite only and being that I was the little sister of Brian’s best friend it was an open one.
The front room was a square the size of a small kitchen. It had red velvet carpet throughout the floor and walls. The hallway approx. 5 feet long had the same type of carpet but it was black.
Although bending you could stand in the front room. The hallways were different.
It was narrow.
You had to crawl through it.
My parents were baptist so pants and shorts were a NO. I always had to wear skirts and dresses. Which made it uncomfortable crawling through the “hallway.”
“Tommie-girl don’t go in there. It’s weird and I don’t like it.” My brother Randy (real name) said.
I should have fucking listened. (beginning my need to apologize, for EVERYTHING.)
The back room, after crawling through the hallway, also had black carpet. With a square red velvet pillow.
For weeks I would hang out there with Brian. Who was 18yrs old. But one day it all changed. (introducing my loathing for skirts and dresses). That whole first summer was so fun. It wasn’t until the next summer, I had just turned 11.
It all went so so awful. I can’t honestly say I remember every detail. Bits and pieces mostly. I don’t know if it’s because I blocked them or that I just don’t want to remember but…I recall going home and taking a bath.
My mom brushing my hair talking about things I needed to get ready for Church the next day.
I remember my blue nightgown feeling so cold against my bathed skin and wet hair.
A few days later I started my period.
Then it began…
For years.
Three to be exact.
Always in that mother fucking club house and that goddamn red velvet pillow shoved over my face. Sometimes I swore to God he was going to suffocate me and I’d die there.
Sigh…sometimes I prayed I would.
He was so cute when I was ignorant and 10 but now he was foul smelling, ugly and gross. I hated him. I fucking hated him.
He never threatened my family. Only that it was my fault because I’d come in there when he told me to.
He was right.
I still don’t even know why I waited so long to tell.
Three long years. (introducing my anger towards myself)
I know why I didn’t.
Fear. (DING! DING! DING! Introducing my reaction to anything not comfortable)
Sitting in the waiting area outside of the Pastor’s office I could hear my mom crying and my dad was quiet.
Very, very quiet.
“The Lord has forgiven her. Let it go and never speak of it again.” The Pastor’s words going through me like a fret train. (hello my feeling of being the poster child for fuck up’s and shame) I was breathing so heavy, trying not to cry. “This WAS my fault.” (again, hello Cheryl’s need to always apologize)
We got home and as soon as we walked into the house my mom wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tighter than I had ever felt before. I exploded with apology after apology as the tears just covered both of our faces and we fell to the living room floor. My mom’s voice going from compassionate to concern as she said “No baby, this was NOT your fault.”
The next day my dad in all his 300 pound ex Marine Drill Sgt. ass knocking on the front door to Brian’s house. He said a few words to Brian’s dad and he called for Brian to come outside. His dad shutting the front door leaving my dad to go beast mode on Brian in his very own front yard like he was a rag doll.
My parents were (to this VERY fucking day) the ONLY people who EVER went hard for me.
I miss them.
Every…fucking…day.
By the time I was 15yrs old I weighed well over 200 pounds. My clothing was always twelve sizes too big, meeting new people was a vulnerability I could not afford and music was a refuge. (Hellllo ANTHRAX!)
My self esteem was non existent.
fast forwarding to the end of my marriage I was so broken.
“Damaged.”
My ex husband informed me of my new stronghold. (introducing never being good enough).
“No man will ever want anything to do with you. You’re damaged.”
Strongholds, shame, anger, intimidation, fear, obesity, rebellion… so many issues resulting from one man’s SIN.
ONE sin began the root of my beginning in a long life of running.
Running from anything that didn’t feel comfortable.
Sexual abuse sadly didn’t end there for me. I wish I could say it did. Those story’s I will keep to myself.
I wasn’t promiscuous. But I was irresponsible.
This was clearly not my fault.
However… (take a VERY deep breath everyone)
Every choice, since realizing my root problem was unresolved healing from this…is.
Let me explain.
The beginning of my weight gain was based in a root of sin, but the fact I chose to ignore it and not heal, IS MY FAULT.
We have a responsibility in our relationships with the Lord to place EVERYTHING at His feet.
PURGE our darkest shame.
EVEN…if it wasn’t your fault. Because NOT dealing with it, IS your fault.
NOT dealing with it, IS YOUR FAULT. NOT dealing with it, IS YOUR FAULT.
Food is not your friend. It’s not a comfort (big fucking lie). Clothing twelve sizes too big so they fall past your “girl parts” and cover the fact you have boobs is SPIRITUAL BONDAGE.
Mark told me these things over and over. NOBODY but Mark. He kept it real with me and I loved him and hated him for it. please know that in starting my journey of healing, revelation and new life I’m nearly one hundred pounds away from where I started 😉 (Deuces 298lbs)
There were demons that turned into strongholds, then into issues, turning into a past, turning into food, turning into weight, turning into excuses.
Next thing you know I was 40 yrs old, divorced, fat and defeated.
What are you going to do?
Stay defeated? Not ME.
Stay fat? FUCK NO.
However, I like being divorced 🙂 that’ll keep, for now. (laughter people…try it.)
God protected me. (GASP!)
I had beautiful parents whose souls were pure in love and loyalty to their daughter. (we left the church)
My mom taught me to laugh even in the dreariest of times.
My dad never stopped hugging me. Kissing my forehead every night, tucking me in making sure I felt safe. (my need to be tucked in arrives 😉 ) Even when I was an adult and moved out in my own apartment. My father would call me every night to make sure all was well and to remind me I can always come home.
I miss them.
God protected my future by having qualities and character traits instilled by the most loving beautiful people.
He placed people in my path that looked out for my need for raw honesty and truth. (Introducing Rich Fout, his real name. Mark Kenny and a few others)
You are not the root cause in whatever sin shamed you out of.
Face those fears. Fear is NOT of God.
God is loving, just and faithful.
I have no idea where Brian is today but as I sit here typing this blog I know that wherever he is, all he needs is to cry out to God and he too can be washed clean and start anew.
I pray he finds his root, dispose of it at the feet of Jesus and find forgiveness and peace that passes ALL understanding.
I release him and every other man that did things to me against my will and without permission.
Look, if you’re angry after reading this, I get it. I do. But I have no time to be bitter. It was scratching at the surface of my shame and I can’t have that. Bitterness is death for a Christian (and everyone else!!).
I look back just 4yrs ago the kids and I were living in a van (insert Chris Farley SNL skit here).
I was miserable.
The day I moved into my apartment two years ago was a crossroads for me. My CHOICE was to move forward never looking back.
It’s not just listening but going a step beyond and listening with a spiritual sense not a logical one. Truly accept what you have to do to heal from that root.
Forgetting your problems and running from pain you think is too unbearable to deal with, is not healing. It’s cowardly (can I say that?).
Please know, if your “issue” is weight. There is something much more heavy dragging you down than the fat surrounding your heart. (too harsh?)
LET IT GO.
It took me two years of deep ass soul searching, crying on the shower floor, reading my bible, blocking Mark from all social media, and a million emotional breakdowns and financial crisis before just getting to the point I’m at now. I have many more strongholds and demons due to my choices in life. (read that again and remember it).
But I assure you. I will crush and break each and every one.
Starting with this one.
The root of all their beginnings…but please understand, the reason they stay is my sin. (What did she just say?) Read it again gangsta.
In order to get rid of weeds they need uprooted. If you’ve worked in gardens you know how tedious that can be.
It’s not easy.
It takes time.
The right tools.
Effort and endurance.
You’re welcome.

I’ll leave it at that.
As always….
CHERyL

It seems as though lifetimes have passed since Rich went on to be with my Parents and the Lord. I almost forgot his birthday was right in the beginning of Summer, or that it was today. Ironically, he was on my mind all day yesterday. Until it hit me as to why. 
When my Ex Husband first left, my Pastor and Rich were the only people I had told. They both knew the history of our marital problems and I trusted their opinions and outside perspective. Rich had a way man…he could speak the truth to your heart even when it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, and you would receive it in nothing but love. Granted, a lot of us refused to take it that way sometimes, haha but it was always given in such.
I miss him.
Still, we all do. My kids and I. We speak of Rich so often. I’ll hear them talk to their friends about him.
Who he was, what he stood for.
I love so much that his legacy is STILL carrying on.
He would be so humbled.
There was a point I thought my ex husband and I could possibly reconcile. When I mentioned it to Rich, he never disagreed. He never tore my ex down in fact, he reached out to him on numerous occasions. Which is more, than people who Angel and I walked side by side in Ministry with for YEARS ever did. Rich was such an amazing man of God.
Our Moses.
Our Spiritual Father.
Our Teacher.
I’ll say it over and over to whoever will listen. Never again will there ever be a Rich Fout.
He looked at me, smiled. Held my hand in typical Godfather fashion when he knew what he was about to say could possibly shatter your world in a million pieces but you needed to hear it, haha
“Cheryl….just because one member leaves. It doesn’t mean the remaining members aren’t STILL a family. Know that. Teach it to your children.”
Rich already knew my marriage was over before I did. Or that I was ready to admit anyway. Yet, as the spiritual father he was, he chose to speak LIFE into my future. To prepare me for what I wasn’t ready to admit was about to happen.
Yesterday that conversation came back to life for me.
To some of you who know my current situation (I know, there’s always something), it may seem as though it’s all falling apart as usual for me. Most of the time you’d be right, haha But my two older children came in complete clutch for our family yesterday. The house was filled with friends, laughter, music…The grill was out and my plate was totally full in more ways than just one.
Our life isn’t together at all you guys. We seem to go through it more often than not but again, it all may appear to be crashing around me. Around my children. But last night I cried falling asleep because all I kept thinking was those words of the Godfather’s.
It came to pass for me. All at once, last night.
Whenever shit begins to hit the fan for us, one of my children will always always mention how “we still have each other mom, we’re still family.” Without ever knowing those words the Godfather spoke to me years ago…(sigh, for my own tears).
Crashing and burning to most would bring chaos and fear. But not to us. We come together. Bring what we can to our small unbalanced table of many different non-matching chairs, haha we turn up the music, light the grill, start laughing and make it through, as family…even still.

Different. I’ve always been that way. The very sperm holding my DNA was a peculiar one.
My mom’s entire pregnancy with me was challenging.
Physically, I was completely different from my brothers. All of them with their blonde hair, thin bodies and beautiful bright blue eyes.
My sister whom I resembled was also thin, long ass beautiful hair and perfect straight white teeth.
Then there was me, haha
Different…
I was “the pretty face” sister.
Excitement from relatives that hadn’t seen us in awhile would always turn to a worried, somber face when their eyes locked with mine. Their heads would tilt and lower, along with the tone in their voices…”Awe Tommie-Girl, you have such a pretty face.”
I was treated different only because my mom had such trouble with me in her womb, she was incredibly protective. I was the baby. I was my parents (Tom and Wanda) only child together. We were a blended family and I was the result as if Mike and Carole Brady would of had a seventh child on The Brady Bunch.
At the expense of making this blog as long as the world is round I’ll hop ahead.
I made a Facebook status the other day. a dear friend commented that I was an open book and anyone wanting to get to know me could do so by reading, but It’s been awhile. Now granted, anyone whose known me for more than three seconds already knows I wear my heart and all five million emotions on my sleeve. That has NOT changed, hahaha But a lot has. I’ve grown so much since this crazy do-over chapter in my life started five years ago. At one time I was rooted in tradition and fairy tales, where now I stand grounded in experience and realism.  I still love Jesus with all that I am. I still believe, read my bible, study, pray…But the concept of a building with four walls, being a must to sport my “Jesus Card” has gone. I study and read to see how I, Cheryl can be more Christ like by following who He was as a human being when he slid that tunic on and washed the feet of Judas, rather than anything else. Go ahead and read that again;)
I no longer feel gays are on a one way street to Hell, fire and brimstone and I doubt very seriously God gives two shits if me or any other believer bakes a cake for anyone remotely resembling Elton John to Rue Paul.
BE AN EXAMPLE.
Don’t read into what I just wrote either. I’m not the poster child for the gay affirming movement, I’ll leave that to my buddy Jay Bakker. (my REAL soul mate;) I’m just trying to show how we can evolve, grow as people by learning from each other, being okay with our differences and still be the same Individual person that make each of us, us! I heard the most kick ass analogy. “Twenty years ago the twenty dollar bill looked very different. Over the years it has changed, gone through numerous changes as a matter of fact. But it’s STILL a hundred.” 😉
Ya dig?
 You may read my blogs and they’ll seem different than before. A bit more open, harsh, hard for some to read because my views and opinions may be different from when you remembered me.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. There is so much going on with me and some days I’m falling to pieces. I have to blog. That’s my release. But I can’t stay in that bubble I grew up in. I’m so thankful for my life, my Parents… but I’m also my own person. I have always blogged the same way I speak, without thinking. I can’t keep up with that if I’m worried about what I say offending any of my “Jesus friends.” No more censoring myself out of respect. I feel at 45 years old, I’ve earned you to read my blog that way, for me. Can I say that?
I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I have nothing about me together, I’m just figuring it out step by step and trying to find out who the fuck Cheryl even is.

I’m still a hopeless romantic although I think the happily ever after has finally been laid to rest. May that bitch rest in damn peace too, haha I’ve been in love three times in my entire life. If you asked me three years ago how I would feel about any of those situations today, I would have a lot of regret. But that too has changed. Anger is an overrated emotion that wastes energy.
The last time I was in love it wasn’t mutual at all, (Brace yourselves Christians) just a fuckship I fell into feelings with. But damn, he was THE shit. I still love that man and honestly, I probably will for a very, very long time.
I’m so pissed the Universe had two people with the shittiest luck, find one another and not have one return those feelings. What kind of bullshit is that? I didn’t even know energy and love could do that. Not when it was felt so deep…I feel like I was hit in the back of the head with a board.
 I left his life kicking and screaming too. Not my finest moment. I’m learning to let it be. It’s so hard because another change, I no longer fight to keep anything or anyone. I don’t have the energy for that anymore. Although this guy would be sooo worth the fight, haha But I have to let him go, without anger…  Only because it wasn’t his fault. I wasn’t his person. It happens. And even though it FUCKING KILLS ME, I couldn’t stay his friend. Watching him fall in love with someone other than me? Ugh…I wanna stab myself in the fucking eye ball thinking about it.
But evolved Cheryl has had an epiphany.
Three very different men.
Lifestyles, belief, hobbies, so many differences because not only am I a different type of human, I LOVE DIFFERENT too. 🙂
I am so broken over this last guy. But no regrets, none at all. New Cheryl, changing Cheryl. Everything is a lesson. Always walk away from every situation knowing how to better YOURSELF. I refuse to be bitter. I honestly think love isn’t for me. But it’s my nature to hope. So in discovering new ways to think, learn…grow. I realized my heart will continue to remain open.
My three life lessons in love💘
Three loves. Three lessons. Each one just as valuable.
The love I had for the first man taught me without a doubt, LOVE IS ETERNAL.
My ex husband, love just won’t always be enough.
This last man…the most important lesson of all. That no matter what, even when not returned, love is always, always worth it.
All I can do is keep going man. Day by day. No matter what. I will never have all of the answers. And right now everything seems to be crashing and burning around me. But honestly, I’m feeling more stronger spiritually and physically every single day. God is still good man. Pastor Matt said at one time I was like Ruth, grabbing the favor, one step at a time…Same steps man. One at a time. Only thing now is, I’m outta the boat and my focus is forward;)

Selah~
CHERyL

“She was as the wind blowing through the trees on a warm Summer day, even in the cold Winter morning’s.”
The caption under my mom’s picture for this years Mother’s Day post.
I do miss her…so bad. The worst is when I can’t sleep. Because my dreams are spotty. I can’t get a hold of the memory from the details like I usually can.
Almost always I wake up calling out for my mother, literally.
And then I remember she’s dead.
It’s as if I lose her all over again.
A couple of weeks ago I found an off brand of my mom’s favorite perfume, but it’s not the same. However, that didn’t stop me from grabbing it before heading to the bathroom at 4am this morning. Spraying it, trying to get some sort of comfort by her scent.
It wasn’t the same. I sat on the side of the tub until 6:30am just weeping my eyes out. Running the shower so my kids wouldn’t hear me cry.
I miss her so bad.
Wanda May as a lot of people know, never accepted bullshit as a form of communication.
Real.
Raw.
Rare.
Different.
All of those were totally acceptable.
Sound familiar?
A bad ass in her own right because she went above and beyond love and loyalty for any under-dog within a “cry for help” radius of her compassionate mercy and effortless understanding. Even if it was a point of view that didn’t inline with her beliefs or her own way of thinking. She was so open to people and the differences we all had. She fucking loved everybody.
This loud, bad ass, loving, woman not only gave birth to me she raised me.
Excommunicated from Church, abandoned, forgotten, homelessness, rape, loss and replaced…Her luck, life and strongholds were more than most could endure I’m sure.
I, as a little girl watched my mom persevere, rising regardless like a phoenix, holding onto her faith for dear life as though it was a shield.
Sound familiar?
The older I get the more I come to realize I am walking a road that I’ve been carried on before. Each step accompanied with tears, anger, helplessness, confusion, loneliness…yet every single step covered by strong faith, boundless love, and laughter, always laughter.
Laughing was my mom’s favorite thing in the world.
My example in humility.
My example in evolving as a better human being.
My example in moving on in spite of failure, fuck ups and regret.
Wanda May consistently remained solid in who she was as Wanda.
Loving, honest, God fearing, full of abundant laughter.
With so much suffered loss, she also carried grief.
My mom buried all of her loved ones at a very young age, including a marriage.
Sound familiar?
Through it all her spirit was never broken though.
Her faith and relationship in Christ carried her as she in turn carried my brothers and I.
She was such a beautiful human being.
The hand that life dealt to my mother was a very cruel one. I won’t comment on that here because this blog is about the legacy of Wanda May, not her death.
I’m her legacy.
Every example she placed before me with her actions is who I strive to be every single day. Finding beauty in life.
Loving people with no boundaries.
Laughing at anything, choosing joy when nothing but tears are streaming down your face, you can’t hear God for days and the future is terrifying and unsure.
THAT…WAS…MY…MOM.
I can only hope that her legacy will continue with my children. That somehow through me,  I did not fuck this flow up and Charlie will also learn to rise above ALL the bullshit of life and hold on to those things that my mother truly knew were important.
And he will remain Charlie, continuing that same gangsta legacy of loving in spite of differences,
forgiving easy,
letting go and moving on without bitterness.
I can’t even believe it.
Tom and Wanda’s first Grand-baby.
I hope I was able to carry mine as my mom did, and soon, Charlie to Leigh and Bean…
It was never the end when my mom passed away.
It was only a to be continued.
I see glimpses of her all the time in the faces of each and every one of my kids. Her sass, her strength, her laughter, her savagery 🙂 I see traces of her in all of them. Ren, Charlie, Bella and Ez. They all have pieces of her in one way or another that shines through them and sometimes I won’t even point it out. I’ll keep it to myself, along with a sigh of relief.
She’s still here.
Happy Mother’s Day Wanda May…We’ve shared so much of the same life mom.
The same path. I know that would have broken your heart, but I survived and I so hope I’ve done you justice by carrying your legacy right into the next generation of “Carson blood” 😉
You are remembered and not forgotten, loved effortlessly STILL even now, and never EVER will you be replaced.
Forever my muse….I absolutely adored your face.

WANDA MAY CARSON INGRAM
June 10th 1938 ~ May 22nd 2007
“Laughing with Jesus.”

Selah…~
Tommie-Girl

I am damaged. Most defiantly, all of us are.
Weather we failed at marriage, school, careers or gardening…It happens.
The main thing to remember is you can get the fuck over it. We’re not damaged goods, we’re human beings, we can survive pain, hardships, broken hearts, anything.
NO I’m not saying time heals ALL wounds. However, it does sooth them quite a bit. Life is a vapor of time man, one breath and it could be gone. Why waste what could be such a beautiful moment because of a “what if?” fear?
Don’t do that to yourself. We become our own worst enemies simply because we don’t believe we can get over something, whatever it may be. We can, we have. You reading this, do you remember how you felt on the worse day of your life?
How are you now?
I have ups, downs and my lows are lower than most of the people in my circle even know…but I get up, every day man. I smile. I live, love, laugh…You have too. If you remain stagnant in fear or comfortable in where you are then you will begin to wither.
To me? THAT would be the worst.
I jump feet first in adventure and what if’s all of the time. The failure of the last one was like a cement brick smacked right into my face, it sucked ass.  But what can you do?
Cry? I did.
Throw a rant? I most certainly did.
Now what?
Now I get the fuck over it and move on.
You can’t NOT take chances. If you don’t at least TRY you will NEVER know. Your “what if” will then become a “I wonder…” I’m not one to do that either. Granted, I would not recommend falling into feelings in a “fuckship” but hey, again, feet first with this chick! But guess what? I’m still here, blogging, getting my shit somewhat together and moving on. For me it will always be finding love that will fuck with my head. That constant feeling of “it’s just not for me” but it’s a whatever, if it happens I will embrace it for sure. I grew up in the 80’s. Every love story ended with the man of her dreams chasing her down in an airport, holding a boom box outside her bedroom window, interrupting a wedding (even if it was hers) or some crazy show of love by making a fool of himself so I have some pretty weird expectations of how MY story should end, haha But whatever yours is, don’t stop looking for it. Don’t wait while your life passes by because you don’t want to be rejected.
No matter what chance it is…take it.
The best chance you will have, will be the one you take.

Selah,
Cheryl

As I slide into dating after divorce in my 40’s I’m pretty sure my reaction can be summed up with not so much of a question per say, but a shocked reaction of “What in THE fuck has happened?”
18 YEARS man..
I’ve birthed a generation. I have two, nearly three grown, GROWN ADULT CHILDREN, a Grand-baby on the way. C’mon, I’ve battled and conquered homelessness, loss, divorce. There have been changes in power, authority, protest, women’s marches…a brand new era has began. Yet here we all are right smack in the mother fucking 21st Century and people (my own case, men) are STILL viewing “potential” life partners by what they look like on the outside regardless of the inside maintenance (Can I say that?).
Seriously, you have GOT to be kidding me man. Didn’t OUR Mothers burn their bra’s over shit like this? Yet again, here I go sliding belly fat first into the ever so woozy dating world after divorce. How exciting for me, yay! Don’t get me wrong. I love’s me some men, haha That will never change.
But I have.
Thus my story really begins….
I never thought I’d be battling the challenge at 45, in balancing the emotions of rejection and boujee. (Although I have a one up, because I was boujee before this generation made it a word 😉 )
Why are we still asking if we’re good enough? Allow me to raise my left brow and with my best Matthew McConaughey voice say…”LADIES, LADIES, LAAADIES…..NO.”
It should no longer be a question from anyone weather they’re VALUED or worthy, yet a loud and confident statement of fact that “you’re the shit.”
The reason behind that question is no longer relevant to me as an individual. It shouldn’t be for you either! Only because it’s a mirror of the person in judgement in how they see themselves. And THAT my sweet, beautiful Ladies is NOT our issue. Not our problem! Period. Some people aren’t ever going to be ready for you.
That’s okay.
If anyone other that YOU has a “problem” with your teeth, your hair, your weight, your color, your style…anything making you YOU. Those are all that person’s problem, not yours. You do you. And never apologize for it.
I can’t understand how preference in character, personality, charm and bad ass loyalty all get set aside for the sake of having a prettier outer package? It’s ridiculous and sad that someone’s preferred “preference” (which they have every right to have!) can be a toxic personality trait to someone who may have issues in questioning their self worth or value. “Leave that shit at “Hello” and move on.”
In that person’s eyes you’ll always be compared. It’ll be bullshit. NOBODY deserves that.
Do what you need to do. Re-Read your own blogs 😉 Remember where you came from and shake it off. I know it gets lonely out there my single mamma’s, but ya gotta stay true to the path you’re on.
I decided a very long time ago I’m going to be Gesuschic (Jesus/ChicK) regardless if you approve of me or not. But I have to say how sad it is in an age where we’ve protested the right to love, respect and defend anyone who’s different, some people are still looking at others not being good enough by the opinion of another…IRONY. In a world full of broken and damaged people who crave genuineness , yet relinquish their right to it for the sake of acceptance. Remember what I said earlier Mama’s? Balance.
Rejection isn’t always a BAD thing darling…(can I say that?). You can be as open as your heart will handle. But under no circumstance EVER, allow someone’s “preference” begin to make you question your own value.
You’re better.
You are not that person.
Balance those relationships. Even if you’re just “dating” “friends” “friends with benefits..” You need to come to a point where certain vibes may groove just fine, but not all personalities go together. It’s that tragic circle of cruel irony life loves to toss around like a cement block, to the face, unexpectedly…every…single…time…Not everyone is going to be where you are. Make that settle in your belly and keep it going sunshine. I can’t express it enough. Don’t feel guilty, this IS about you, walk away in peace…
By the end of my marriage I was ready to end my entire life.
I was that desperate.
That empty.
I got that way because I allowed someone to openly compare me to others beauty and successes ALL of the time and bashed it into my head that I couldn’t, nor would I ever be good enough. I know I’m 45 and perhaps my shit should be a bit more together, but hey, it happens. I still don’t know which fork to use at a fancy restaurant, women my age are the wives of Presidents, I may not be a size 4 but I am a size sexy, I know my value because I, not anyone else, I measure it by who the fuck I was YESTERDAY and that has NOTHING to do with anyone’s preferred opinion of beauty. Never apologize for that. This is a new era. so MUCH diversity, So many wonderful things we can find in others and preference is no longer an issue. So WHY are YOU still allowing someone to make you feel as though it is?
Ya dig?
Confidence is harder to rebuild than credit!!!! (Can I say that?) It’s life AFTER divorce, those red flags are now flat out WARNINGS, pay attention to them, haha
Ladies, we no longer need to fear being over-looked because of preference. Be who you are. ATTRACT YOUR TRIBE, don’t fuck with anyone not at the level of YOUR self esteem. Read that last line again 😉
Don’t allow anyone’s preference explain away your self worth by comparison.
Remember, it all starts right there.
make peace, move on.
MY preference is to be with people who see value in that inside maintenance of others. I could give a shit if you’re red, black, yellow, white, religion, gender, whatever…I’m attracted to anyone who dares to show me their groove. But the second i’m being compared to something because I don’t reach someone else’s level of “standard?”  No way, I’m out regardless. I don’t want that. Not in anything. My relationships with friends, my co-workers, my children, my lovers, my friends and lovers, lol I don’t want any one of them to EVER feel that way. As though they will never be because….so why would I put myself in a friendship like that?
Falling on your sword is a noble, very noble way to live. But never lessen your own value and take standing there being gutted.
Boujee….Remember?
You are THE shit.
I am THE shit.
Confidence IS the new sexy.
Size sexy.
Real men will get that vibe. Never waste time in anything you don’t want, or anything that doesn’t want YOU. (read that again too;) )
Crawling from an 18yr illusion where the last 7yrs nearly killed me. I crawled from that empty inferno of hell and believe me when I say I KNOW, I…AM…GOOD…ENOUGH.
have you made it through a tough day? Week? A few months?
The relationship you survived, was it a heavy blow to you? Your heart? Be very careful treading that ocean of new life. That comfort in familiarity can pull you under and sweep you away so fast.
Catch yourself, take a breath, forget it, and move on. Stay focused ladies.
I have so many goals I want to accomplish. My list of written goals from small to HUGE. I’m a dreamer, yes at 45 and although I would love to meet someone. Vibe with their groove and see where it could possibly go, I am in no way ready to chance how far I’ve come in my confidence, my self worth, my value. Again, that confidence is harder to rebuild than credit.
Unfortunately, you have to be raw, ready and naked to realize that.  But once you do, once you remember what you bring to the table, you really won’t mind eating alone. But only sometimes 😉
Starting over is never easy. I’m taking my time, trying new things. However, this weird life of dating, friendships, I’m learning it’s okay to walk away. It’s a very fine line between having patience and wasting time.
This life after divorce is one I never anticipated but what is even greater, finding myself. Realizing what I deserve and being okay if something doesn’t work out. Being able to walk away from a situation and STILL knowing I’m the shit, haha
Accomplishment, no mental girl breakdown if the boy doesn’t circle YES, I LIKE YOU TOO.
No worries….
Does it suck ass? Well of course, rejection is definitely equivalent to bong water. But it wasn’t for me. Some people just don’t deserve your bad assery, period.
But Ladies…it’s a new era…our love is rare because we love so hard. Guard that shit with all you are.
Don’t get bitter just stay focused, stay pretty, stay boujee;)
It’s all love. Let it go and keep it moving.

CHERyL~

April 5th 2013 as most of you who know me knows, was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
The date my marriage was officially over.
No more till death do you part or in sickness and health.
Done.
It’s been four years. One hell of a ride so far. I’ve lost, rebuilt, lost again, rebuilt…Some of you know that cycle I’m sure. The important thing is to always remember where you once came from. I can sit and ponder all day long on how many times I’ve had to cash in a “DO-OVER!” (in my best Billy Crystal voice from City Slickers) with life but I can’t. Because it’s the time I DON’T no longer do that that will then actually matter. You see?
My nature is to keep going. Keep moving at all cost because once you stop, that’s it man. Not just for you either, but for your children, their children and the legacy left behind once you pass. THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME. My mom and dad were such amazing loving human beings. Life fucked every person they never got to come in contact with. However, that’s where I come in. The beautiful things that REALLY mattered, my parents made sure I knew with 100% clarity of what they actually were.
Allow me to explain.
Figuring out how to apply those and differ what they actually are to ME on a personal level was my job. Knowing the characteristics of those things were taught to me. As they are to all of us. How we’re raised, where we’re raised. Our cultures, our religion… ALL factors, in determining how we view our lives, where we’re going or desiring to get too.
I never looked at it like that before.
In that perspective.
My mom and dad loved the Lord. But they also loved people.
It was a very important thing my dad taught me.
You always be fair. Respect people right where they’re at.
An important characteristic of a beautiful thing, that REALLY mattered. This is a hard blog to write. Just as terrifying to face April 5th 2013 It’s hard to admit you missed an important factor of how this all works.
I am a Believer. Jesus will always be my only friend. No conditions, no questions. The relationship I have with God is mine, and nobody else’s. And sometimes relationships need kept private so that you can grow in silence because of the judgement passed on YOUR relationship by other people on the outside. (I’ll leave THAT, right there).
I have one friend who keeps it absolutely one hundred with our friendship. One of his things is I never separate my faith from ANYTHING.  “Impossible,” instinctively my response.
I’m constantly evolving in who I am. Those beautiful things in seeing people right where they’re at never involved my dad’s faith in Jesus Christ. That was way before my dad and mom found Jesus.
I missed that.
Perhaps as Believers we get so focused on people believing a certain way we forget our human nature should be to just love people right where they’re at.
I’ve been so bummed lately. The kids and I almost lost our home, AGAIN. A lot of things have been happening and this crazy ass journey is about to transition into the next chapter. Not many people knew what was going on. I chose to keep it private.
You can be the best person in the world man, but you fuck up enough, the view in how others choose to look at you will begin to change. It’s a harsh reality. But that’s where those beautiful thing’s come in.
I can’t be mad.
I am constantly moving. In my mind, weight, career, friendships, life in general. I fuck up though. A lot. My good decisions somehow end up few and far between and only a select FEW understand it’s not because i’m a loser, haha
Only a select few that’s even FEWER understand i’m STILL moving regardless.
I fuck up? I get over it and cash in a “DO -OVER!”
The sad part is, the few I thought understood THAT me, THAT Cheryl…didn’t, lol
But that’s okay. I ain’t mad…lol Because I remember the clarity of that beautiful list my dad taught me, and that a really good friend reminded me of…The importance of understanding, that by separating your faith from certain things doesn’t mean you are this awful person who gets a big fat F MINUS in “How To Be The BEST Christian.” It simply means you get it. You GET that no matter WHAT, the HUMAN QUALITY of a DECENT human being, truly knows HOW to love people. Regardless if you think by loving them is because of your faith, see if you can continue to love them, even if they don’t agree with why you actually do, lol That’s where the separating comes in play as a good thing 😉
Now…ACCEPTING that KIND of love is a whole other blog, LMFAO But my point is this. LOOK for those people.
Don’t abandon your Tribe, because they are the ones who are rare.
You may vibe with a variety and shit load of diversity. But your Tribe will GET that sense of loving with a fair understanding of the fuck up’s, the struggles, the differences in who we are because of where we came from, by who, ect,.. and they will accept you with
no conditions,
no boundaries
and rejection is an unknown term.
As a Christian, I know I won’t always find those people in church. (Again, MY PERSONAL thing. If you’re a rich successful business person, you won’t always find your tribe at a round table of other CEO’s, ya dig?)
Those people will love you EXACTLY where you are.
Those people will love you, even if it means watching you love someone else.
Those people will cry with you when your kids are hungry.
Those people will pay your rent when you’re getting evicted without asking how it happened.
Those people will sit out on the porch with you at 2am, roll a blunt and listen to your struggle without ANY judgement.
Those people will forever remind you of those beautiful things that were instilled into your soul as a child way before you found faith, failure, and shame.
Those people…
Love them,
tell them, every day man.
Let them know exactly what’s on your mind even if it makes it uncomfortable.
Don’t let them move on into the next chapter of their journey without loving them the best way they could be loved.
Those people need to see some of us STILL get it.
Those people need to be occasionally reminded that loving people with no boundaries is still okay.
Show them, remind yourself.
Don’t miss the beautiful things life rarely offers by forgetting to separate pride and arrogance by needing validity for your OWN personal matters. It’s okay to love people if they’ll never love you back (holy shit did I just say that?). But it is NOT okay to love that person without ever showing them what loving you could be. Don’t do that. Separating fear  from the norm by where you came from…take that leap and love.
Who knows?
Same goes with friendships, careers, every part of your life.
Remember this world is full of diverse, amazing, human beings. Don’t shut yourself off from ANY of them because they may live different, believe different, see and view political opinions different. They may be fat, skinny, tall, black, yellow, white, male, female…a child…a 120 year old transgender or come from a small village waaay on the other side from your traditions and normalcy I don’t know! But regardless, love them. Even if it’s uncomfortable because they may love differently…. those people.

SELAH,
Cheryl…~

This blog was to be posted the day after Christmas but I had to wait. The words were in my head and I’ve been itching to blog but I had to wait.

It’s been another chaotic and questionable year for us. Our family has been a long confidant of struggle. Sometimes no matter what we do it still continues with one thing after another, this endless cycle of “do~over’s” is emotionally draining on a single momma of 4…However, on four kids, actually five.

My Serenity. It’s her 23rd birthday today. Yet she’s at work. We haven’t had cake or anything, yet she’s off to work for the day. No complaining. My rock. I honestly don’t know how I’d be surviving without her. Serenity is my right hand. She has this incredible ability to go and go and go even when she’s breaking apart on the inside. She would do anything for anyone because her heart is serving. She’s so strong. Just like her Grandma, my mom. Both my girls. They need to be to deal with my crazy for sure, haha I can’t believe she turned into this amazing, opinionated, beautiful woman while having me as her example in life🙄 Serenity is my best friend. My oldest child. One of the greatest loves of my life. 

My Charlie is my oldest son, second oldest child. There are so many things he does that remind me of my dad…Charlie is the calm before the storm. He sees the entire world with a perspective so different and he’s full of passion so genuine he can rage easy when it comes to typical bullshit life likes to play, haha My l’il sensitive thug. He comes across hard but one show of kindness and he’s butter. One of the greatest loves of my life. 

My Hanja, my Bella. Third child. Social butterfly, sassy, always chasing the adventure. No matter the risks. Hanja never gives herself credit. Both my girls are strong as I said earlier but where Ren is quiet and reserved, Belle has 1000 emotions and she wears every one of them right on her sleeve for you to see. She makes no excuses for who she is and I love it. The love of my life…even when skies are grey🌞

My Ezra. My youngest, my baby boy. My very, VERY shy boy. My vision brought to life. The pieces of Ezzie nobody sees are his gentleness. In remaining calm in crazy situations (like his brother Charlie. A quality they get from my dad I’m sure). To see the bigger picture and make sense of a situation. His goofy way of always being a prankster. This kid…Love of my life.

My Cyntheia. Who technically isn’t my child, but she is Charlie’s love. This girl has a way with calming the “beast” lol Charlie and Ezra have no lack in being around strong ass women! I’ve known Leigh, (middle name and what we call her sometimes) since she was 11. She is this vibrant young woman who lives for family. She adored her Grandmother to no end, yet as we laid Rosa to rest Cyntheia remained strong, for her mom, her brother and sisters, her Aunts, Uncles and all the while encouraging her Grandfather. If there is ANYTHING I know, Rosa Cyntheia’s grandma, would be GREATLY proud of this lovely young lady.

Change in life can take such cruel turns you can never expect or prepare yourself for. But there is no doubt with all the twist and turns this ride life has me on, there isn’t a group of people I’d rather be experiencing it with. My kids (Leigh included) are the greatest bunch of human beings I’ve ever known. The strength they show in times most would break, the laughter they explode in when tears should be flooding our faces, the endurance they all show when shit, once again hits the fan and we’re left scratching our heads asking what in the fuck just happened, haha I’m pretty proud of these five individuals I not only call the loves of my life, but my children. Bones of my bones, flesh of my flesh…my five best friends. This was our first year without ANY government assistance, any help from the church for gifts, this was us. What we all did for one another. Rich Fout told me after my ex husband left, “Cheryl just because one member leaves it doesn’t mean you’re no longer a family. You are STILL a family.” Tbis was the first year all of us believe it. We did it. We survived. Our first beautiful Christmas  (officially). It only took us 4yrs to get here..but we did it, together. From my FAMILY to yours, I hope your Christmas was beautiful and your New Year bright. Here’s to the next! 

Selah,

Cheryl  

It seems as though my divorce was lifetimes ago. The man I thought to have been of my dreams nearly 19 years earlier, is beginning to be a faded memory, if not for my Hanja and Ezra, I would have assumed that life had been an illusion. It’s odd. I barely remember  loving him.  Yet I could sit right here as I type and remember exactly how my mom’s arms would feel when hugging me goodnight.
The emptiness I felt when losing both of them was a world of difference.
That’s so fucking bizarre to me. I understand how one emotion can have a million rhymes to it’s reason, but I find it bizarre how at one time I couldn’t imagine my life without Angel.
I loved him.
I loved taking care of him. Building a life, creating a family, sigh….
He was truly my best friend. And I absolutely adored our beautiful life.
Angel was the goofiest cat I had ever met in my entire life. That’s how I fell in love with him. He won my heart by making me laugh out loud, literally. Our beautiful Bella has that quality. She is so silly and goofy. Just for no other reason than to laugh out loud at life. It reminds me of a guy I once knew…shadows of this illusion.
The weird thing is though, I don’t miss him anymore.
Can I say that?
Wow…what a difference a year makes.
I remember speaking at Church and saying that it had felt like I was living the same day over and over for the past three years. And now look. This past year feels like one day. Even though so much has happened. Met new people, made new friends, cut ties with some old ones, found our place, began to rebuild again as a family. Yet it was just like yesterday we were moving in.
Again, wow…what a difference a year makes…
However, I can’t help that oddness creeping around my head.  How damned bizarre none of us even mention him anymore.
Our lives as a family, has completely moved on.
How many stages do you go through after divorce? How many emotional break downs can you silently have before going all the way insane?
All that being said I think I made it. I swear on life.
I’ve been incredibly moody the past few months. Crying, getting angry, feeling sorry for myself, going from wanting to punch the entire world in the throat one minute, to the very next,  falling in love with everyone I meet.  It’s been so bad I honestly thought I was starting menopause!  But it smacked me like a brick in the face today.
Yesterday I had to drive up north, all around the area Angel and I once shared a life. Last night I cried for the first time in a very long time about everything. The marriage, the birth of our children, the visions we shared, the prayers we said while locking our hands together, crying before the Lord over our kids, our life, the death of my entire family, damn….damn.
I was late getting a friend from work. Stuck at the stop light, I broke down emotionally.   I can’t even tell you what triggered it man. I looked up and had this overwhelming sadness mixed with nostalgia and grief. All the memories from yesterday just came over me like rainy rushing wind. It took my breath away dude. And as quick as it came, it went, and I realized it’s completely over. I’m not hurt anymore. I’m not angry. I’m not anything.
That chapter of my life is over…it’s over.
I even had a visual sitting there at that stop light.
I was on the back of a train. I wasn’t waiving, I wasn’t crying or showing any form of emotion. I had my hair down, standing straight with my hands rested downward on the rail, watching. Angel was at the station. He was alone, nobody around, as was I. His hands were in his pockets as he stood watching. Not waiving, not crying, no emotion. We just watched until we couldn’t see each other anymore.
Right then I just broke. For the first time in, I can’t even remember when, I feel free. I can truly say I felt a spiritual release of a deeply rooted stronghold.
Sigh…
I loved loving him, once upon a time ago…Seleh Angel.