Gesuschic

At the end of 2018 I really thought I had my shit together. Everything was going somewhat okay until I got knocked off of my ass with all things…A FUCKING VIRUS. No need for detail but I lost everything I worked so so hard to get back after my divorce from 2013.
I’ve never in my life known such struggle since that moment I was released from the hospital and came home to a termination from my job, an eviction, my car reposed and my entire world, just gone…again.
My Pastor at the time even said “Cheryl, I gasp at what God allows you to go through. I don’t understand it either.”
Growing up Southern Baptist when you go through trial after fucking trial it’s usually because you’ve done something to really piss God off or there’s some hidden sin you haven’t repented from.
Now I’ll be the first to admit. I’ve met Jesus at the well quite a few damn times.
Dragged before the Lord by angry crowds who were quick to say I had a “Jezebel spirit” but good fuckin’ grief…how many sins do I need to confess and figure out before I get a heavenly break? But even in my darkest days I never doubted God’s existence, but His presence was definitely not felt. Instead I felt alone, scared, abandoned and unsafe. Like an abused child who finds comfort in the night by a covered blanket…mine had been ripped off. Taken and thrown into the depths of the sea with the pigs.
I was so useless and of no value to the point that even God Himself had left me.
Here I was.
Starting over.
For what seemed like the MILLIONTH time. How many do~over’s does one get in life?
Home is such a weird word.
It can mean so many different things to so many different people. But to me? Home has always been a solace. Somewhere to run when the world was unkind.
My dad made our home like that.
My mom made our home like that.
And it seems like ever since my dad died and my mom’s Alzheimer’s began to steal her from me, I’ve been in a whirlwind of constant chaos and panic that I’d never feel that again. Or find it.
Solace.
Home.
I have been so lost. To the point I forget to exhale sometimes. Taking in deep breaths and losing thought in my disorientation of life’s curve balls.
But I’m here. Today I am here. Alive, breathing and remembering to exhale, although slowly at times, ha-ha.
I’ve met so many new and different people. Re-connected with a few. And I’m getting used to a new normalcy within my life. Everything from going to an online church, being gay affirming, and almost half a century old with grandchildren…But through it all, every bit of the trials, the fuck ups, the constant do-over’s I have found one thing.
Freedom.
Freedom in adventure, love, connections…grace.
The blanket of solace is no longer needed. I refuse to run home. Instead I’m pacing myself while walking completely bare ass naked through life (metaphorically speaking) so that I may FEEL every fucking thing it has for me. The spirit of grief I have for my parents death is slowly being replaced with the spirit of dance like David. Free to love and embrace and to choose joy even on days where the tears still fall…it was never that God had bounced out on me like so many others. It was my bitterness and fear of unknown change that was blocking all feeling of His presence to my spirit. My soul was in a drought that kept running and falling to the feet of every mirage I thought I could see. Only to be broken, disappointed and left alone in the wilderness, more lost than before. But no more. The living waters of fresh faith and freedom in a grace that has always, always been sufficient. I just needed to stop, be still, and trust the process of my new and changing world.
In the words of my dad, as he would shout, UNAPOLOGETICALLY as every person in their pews would turn to look as my dad would STAND and in his loud thunderous voice, tears falling from his 350 pound HUGE Marine Corps stature, his hands lifted high in that very conservative Southern Baptist church;
“GLORY HALLELUJAH!! GLOREEEEEEE…HALLELUJAH…ALL GLORY TO YOU GOD. I AM FREE…”
I totally get it now dad.

I was sitting in that desk chair, and it took me a few seconds.
I was so focused on our “do-over.”
The kids and I.
Finally! Almost two years  since the divorce. Living out of ‘ole faithful Big Green, couches and spare rooms of friends, it was about to happen.
A bible study group from the church the friends we were staying with had decided to “bless” us.
God had answered our prayers and spoke to the hearts of these people to help my four kids and I get into our own apartment by giving us the money for the $1200 deposit we needed.
However, as I started to see the look of shared excitement on the leasing agents face turn to pity…I began to look around the office and notice that everyone else had that same look.
Pity.
I felt it in my fucking soul as my gut dropped to my ass and I began feeling sick.
You see, the previous apartment was taken and I now was told I’d need to wait an extra two weeks. To me that was fine and no problem. Until my “friend” lifted up the money order and said: “Why can’t it be earlier? I mean we have twelve hundred dollars right here.”
It was RIGHT at that moment the light bulb of  clueless ignorance  came on, and shined bright as fuck on every single ounce of embarrassment and shame I had had since the moment my ex husband walked out of our apartment and left the kids and I.
I began looking around and my “friends” wife had the same look of pity, the leasing agent at the desk behind ours…the guy across from there…All of them. I felt so soooo fucking small.
It was also at that very moment I realized I had nobody, literally. I felt so empty and so alone, damn.
There was NO blessing or move of God that prompted their giving at all.
It was the running mouth of my CHILDHOOD “friends” who claimed to love my children and see us as family who gossiped, whined, bitched, moaned and slandered us to these “godly” people to the point they wanted to get “us” out of their home.
NONE of these people gave two fucks my children and I just came from living out of our van. Their ONLY concern was the “sanity” of my…”friends.”
As though the kids and I didn’t clean their home, pay them what little money we had, and re-organized their entire garage in the winter so we could hang out there and not be in their way. This was a childhood friend. I had always felt like home there. And in one brief moment, it was gone. Just like everything else.
At first when it dawned on me that the “ALL GLORY TO GOD” speech I had given my children the night before was a COMPLETE fucking JOKE, I wanted to tear up that money order and throw it in their faces. But I took a breath.
Was I humiliated?
Did I feel as though the biggest cruel joke had just been played on me?
Absolutely.
But I took it. Even though it took every ounce of my dignity.
If it was just me, I would have walked out of that office and called the streets my home until the good Lord decided to call me to my true place of residence.
I’m so tired of living like a goddamn gypsy though. For real.
I can’t remember when I had my own bed, my own room..and It’s been quite awhile since I’ve felt safe or even remotely secure.
I just wanted that for my kids again. Even though I also knew that wouldn’t last forever.
Just a brief moment in our upside down universe of “WTF now…”
I’ve worked hard my whole life. But now, getting older, my disease keeps progressing and I get right at that edge of my official “do-over” and something falls apart and I slip all the way to the fucking bottom, again. It just doesn’t work. People, even godly people, are so cruel you can’t even tell the difference between the church and the world anymore. And I’m done with my struggle being an inconvenience to people. As if I’m just smooth sailing through the “WTF’s” and “what now’s…”
I’m not asking or wanting people to enable my struggle but Jesus fucking Christ at least see my effort!? Don’t fade away from the lives of my kids and I while giving off the vibe as though my struggle is contagious.
That’s how the church, as a body has made me feel.
Contagious.
As if being poor is the new leprosy among the church folk now days.
I have no idea why life always happens the way it does for me. But I’m done trying to figure out what it is that I’M doing wrong because honestly, I don’t think I am.
I have walked the thin line between faith, logic and reality my entire life man…I do right by people, I’m quick to apologize and carry the weight of most, but still, nothing. I get nowhere. maybe I’m not suppose to?
Do I still believe in God? Better yet, do I believe the church does?
No…
All FOUR of my children struggle believing today and I doubt very seriously that’s the outcome God wanted for us.
But here we are.
Here I am.
I honestly feel at this point I’ll never walk into a church building ever again. I miss the fellowship, the worship, the intimate time with God that I can’t seem to find anywhere outside of a four walled building. But I won’t ever forget that feeling I had in the pit of my stomach as I apologized to my children for that stupid speech because it was all a lie. To go back to friends after friends and pack up and move on because…Life doesn’t grant me the time it seems to grant everyone else, It’s so bizarre. I’ll never understand. But it is what it is I guess. Ya know? I’ve said it before but if it were not for my children, my grandchildren..I’d be convinced my whole life was an illusion. Including my experiences with God.
At this point all of my children are grown and out on their own…the last is about to ascend off into college, so who knows with me man!? 🙂
There isn’t anything I can plan because nothing EVER goes that way for me. I can work and work, save, get a bit ahead and then FUCKIN’ BOOM! Once again, everything, GONE.  I’M still here though man, I’m STILL alive. Always struggling  haha
But it will always be in my nature to keep looking, searching, HOPING and sometimes still praying for that Year Of Jubilee I was so sure of having in 2019.
But as this decade ends and a new one is peaking around the corner, I can only go into it with the same hopes and prayers that got me through all of the others…and just be.

Selah,
Gesuschic

The thing with me is that I get so emotionally involved in everything I do. Weather it’s a job, a relationship, friendships, all the way down to how I exercise and treat an absolute stranger. There isn’t anything on this entire planet that I can do and NOT be emotional.
I’m vested.
My dad was this big ‘ole 300 pound SOLID Marine who scared everyone by his mere look. But a lot people didn’t realize that my dad would talk to anybody. He was such a lover with his big ‘ole scary lookin’ ass. Yet whenever I was with him I noticed very quickly that he never met a stranger. My dad was cautious of everyone, yet he still loved.
My mom? Ironically EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS flocked to my mom as if it were reading and snack time in Kindergarten. Yet…SHE was the scary one! HAHA My mom had a mouth, an attitude and she had no problem taking the chip off of her shoulder and beating you to death with it. She took no shit. However, she laughed. Man, she LOVED to laugh. My mom would never start a conversation with anyone but she’d talk to everybody. Does that make sense?
But they were lovers of people. Our house was constantly full of faces of strangers whenever it was cold out.  It was nothing the night before Thanksgiving on his way home from work, my dad would see a family or someone on the street and bring them home to share in what little we had.
Just as my kids and I have struggled our fucking asses off (and still do), so did my parents. The difference (as my brother Randy would point out) is that our parents never let us know we were poor…haha
I’ve been so discouraged. I talk about how I feel like I’m just withering away. I don’t go out anymore, I keep next to no friends close to me anymore and I stay to myself.
I’ve been racking my soul trying to figure out how to stop this downward spiral. To get back to where I was and who I was raised to be.
But that isn’t what’s been happening at all. I’ve had it wrong this whole entire time. I haven’t fallen from anything. My conversations with God haven’t been non-existent at all. He has just been changing how He communicated with me. I’ve had a few times where I’ve screamed out loud in literal anger and demanded to know “where in the fuck He’s been?” But this morning it hit me. He’s been RIGHT here. I may be feeling completely lonely but I have not been alone at all. Not even for a second. God has just…been. Allowing me to vent, be sad, angry, question, cry and again as I’ve said in other blogs, lay out every single one of my billion and ten emotions before The Lord. And unlike EVERYONE else…GOD has stayed right beside me.
Not stagnant, just quiet. Allowing me to have every one of my emotional breakdowns 🙂
He was waiting for me to calm down, to take a deep breath and HEAR His voice rather than just listen.
Today I was walking to the library and a few of the sidewalks were cleared off. A lot of them weren’t. Yesterday it was a bit of the same only not as much snow. One area of my walk, a water pipe had busted and there was nothing but ice, thick slicker than usual ice. But I was able to walk around it yesterday. All of the people who had walked this path before me had made a way around the ice for me to follow. (read that again 😉 ) However….today, there was even MORE snow and no path had been cleared. I was the first to be walking through this area today. The block of ice was still there, yet with my tennis shoes, no way I could have went around and walked through a foot of snow from all of the shoveling. I went forward. Walking over the ice with each step being placed as firm and cautious without falling. I got to the other side of the “ice monster” but on the other side of it the sidewalks hadn’t been cleared so there was about five maybe six inches of snow. For a second I thought about crossing the street because it was actually cleared. The owners of those houses had all been out clearing a walkway path. But the side I live on, the side I was walking, was still messy in spots (read that again too). Annoying at times, impossible at times. And I had to be more careful than if I walked on the other side. Instead of hopping over I continued walking forward. I began thinking of my daughter who walks this SAME EXACT way to work and I knew she was going to be leaving for there soon. So I began keeping my feet FIRMLY on the walk. And now, instead of stepping cautiously I was using my shoes and feet as though they were a snow plower. Making a walk way CLEAR and EASIER (not easy, but easier. Read that again) for her when she comes through.
Now I have no idea whether or not Serenity was going to stay on this side or move to the other. But that’s not really the point. Even though I was doing for MY daughter, it would still be easier for EVERYONE else.
An incredible friend (whom I love immensely (Pastor J <3) reminded me of a scripture I had read, probably a thousand times. Romans Chapter 4…It speaks of Moses faith and how he definitely knew God could fulfill every promise about him becoming a father..He just doubted that God actually WOULD fulfill that promise. It’s funny how us humans think. Our logic sometimes can be our own downfall. Romans chapter 4 goes on to say that NONE of those things were just for Moses…The KJV says “it was not written for his sake alone…” PLEASE READ THAT AGAIN GANGSTA’S 😉
These promises from God? We all know He can. We NEED to start believing that HE WILL.
I’m that next generation. I was raised by people who went the course before me and cleared the path. I have no right or reason to get angry now…it’s my turn to do as they all taught me. The Godfather Rich Fout, Pastor Nar, Marcia and Billy Queen, Chuck Smith, Dave Brown…Bob Beeman, Glenn and Wendy Kaiser…my parents…Tom and Wanda Ingram ❤
I’m not next, I’m here.
It’s now my time. The student has become the teacher and I will NOT relent.
Not today man.

Selah……  |o/
Gesuschic~

A lot of people get tied down to whatever society assumes the “norm” is, but actually I dive straight into in-difference like it’s the gold medal to be won.
I’ve always been different yet I’ve never looked at that as a weakness rather than a strength. The under dog in life is who I’ve always rooted for because I relate more to that than anything. I’d love to sit here and write that I feel like a Paul or a Moses…Joshua. But I’m not.
I’m the Rahab hiding the spies of  Christ. Even if it means her life.
I’m the sinful woman. The woman with no name…as she was so overwhelmed by the presence of Jesus she washed His feet with her tears.
The whore at the feet of Jesus. Yeah, that’s me.
I associate myself to leah a lot. She was “second.” Her whole life. In everyone’s eyes including her own. The very meaning of her name “tired” or “cow” the scripture calling it “tender.” but I’ve often thought it meant she had no sparkle in her eye. Being fully aware at the fact everyone looked at her as second best. Probably a big girl like myself and not pleasing to look at. But I’ve never looked at her like that. Not at all.
As I’ve written in another blog, God always knew.
Leah may have been second to everyone else.
Her father, her sister, her people….even her own husband.
But not God…
He blessed her womb and in the names of her children you can begin to see the light coming back into her eyes, her life, her hope and faith.
Her dignity rested upon what God the Father had done for her and NOT the lack of love her husband or anyone else had for her.
Leah…
Her first three sons names proves how sad she was. She was so sad and usually what comes with that is loneliness…but from the fourth we see she found her praise. Her strength was found in her worship to the Lord. I can only imagine the transition of who she was becoming in Christ, through the birth of her babies.
Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun and a daughter, Dinah.
She was also the only wife that was buried with Jacob.
And her children?
Levi was the father of the priestly tribe of Israel. The descendants in that tribe include; Moses, Aaron, Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist), Barnabas and Peter. We also have her son Judah. Whose descendants include, King David and Jesus…The Son Of God.
Leah…the less favored.
The sad sister.
The second best, whose husband didn’t truly love her.
She cried, wept and I bet took long walks alone to have quiet, heart breaking conversations with God about why nobody loved her…and that she was so lonely.
I’ve always rooted for the under dogs of life. Because I am one.
I take walks with God quite a bit myself and if nobody ever will truly SEE me well, I know God hears me. If the cup I’ve been given is just enough for me then so be it.
I’ll drink it. And I’ll walk this road holding my head high smiling and talking to every freaking stranger I see because God IS enough. He IS enough.
The bible says that Rachel was more favored but it never says that Leah WASN’T.
I may be an underdog who is the last picked (if at all) but I DO carry favor and I walk in it daily.
I like being different.
I like being an underdog.
Most gypsies are anyway….and that’s me. You dig?

Selah….
Cheryl

Have you ever sat in a cluster of clouds and quiet and asked yourself, “how in THE hell did I ever end up here?”
In your life I mean. I joke all the time about being stuck in a rendition of my “Groundhog Day” movie with Bill Murray, haha Only it’s my entire life and not just a two-hour movie.
Every day, hour and minute I ask myself that fucking question. I’m starting to believe there is no answer for it though. The luck of the draw perhaps? The cup you were given for life?
Who knows?
But I’m exhausted thinking it’s because I royally fucked up somewhere and I need to fix it. I’ve been fixing things my entire life. Duck taping my hot mess of a life back together whenever it began to unwind.
My rape.
The death of my family.
My empty marriage.
My money issues.
My faith…sigh
Everything, for a very, very long time and damn, I’m tired. Not of life. Life is just fine. I’m pressing through every crazy chaotic pile of shit she has to throw at me, along with her lemons haha But we have an understanding now.
Neither of us quit…so here we are.
No. What I’m tired of is explaining to people. Not that I have, because…you all reading already know…haha But there is something so bizarre about struggle and being open about it. I mean for YEARS all I heard was “Cheryl, ask. Nobody knows if you don’t say….” blah, blah, blah, blah…BARF. It took a long time for me to be open after my marriage withered into dust and the church folk that were FAMILY to my ex husband, myself, our children, my parents….just…vanished. Some even sending letters as to why they COULDN’T be our friends no longer. I’m tired of people making me believe that it IS my problem I’m here. This cluster fuck of extreme madness inside my head. I know, “a pity blog Cheryl…really?” No assholes. No pity blog, relax. I never feel sorry for myself. well, sometimes haha But that isn’t what I’m doing here. There is no girl movie on the television and I haven’t just finished a pint of chocolate ice cream. This s my NEW YEAR NEW ME BLOG haha Only not a new me. I like me just fine. However a bit of an adjustment to my soul.
I’m letting myself go…
Nope, not gaining any of my weight back.
Nope, still love Jesus to haha (I know you all think I’m a doomed sinner 😉
I’m releasing myself from guilt of every single choice I’ve ever made since my life just started…SPINNING.
“You are where you are today because of the choices you made yesterday.”
I call MAJOR bullshit on that.
That’s not even a fair statement to make to anyone. Not when we have free will running around here like an out of control toddler.
I was from that Calvary Chapel era of “where God guides, God provides” and He has always provided for me man. God has been my ONLY consistency since my ex husband left. I STILL don’t know what I’m supposed to do or if I’m to even do anything at all. I have no fucking idea but what I DO know…Every step I’ve taken in this chapter of my life has been spiritually lead. There have been times I’ve only spoken to God, He knows me.
God has blessed me beyond measure in my short little 46 years on earth. All four of my children are kick ass human beings. My grandson is the absolute joy to my soul, he breathes life into me man…All of my kids do. They’re all I have and the ONLY things I have EVER did right and didn’t fuck up. They may have a different opinion haha But my kids all should be so proud of themselves for who they are. My beautiful babies…
My weight loss. Geesh, I was a COW x’s ten! I’ve lost over ONE HUNDRED and TWENTY POUNDS because my CAR BROKE DOWN. Seriously, broke as a joke and barely making a living so when the car went so did my feet, haha
Water, music, thinking…mentally purging all that I was going through at the time and my weight just poured off and is STILL going down. I have no complaints man. God really is good.
However, that next level.
I can’t seem to ever grasp it. I have asked myself a thousand lifetimes a day why but damn man…I have discovered, purged, cried, transitioned, and started over more in this past seven years than ever in my life. Not just with myself, but people as well.
But yet here we are God….
I’m trying real hard to get ahold of an understanding with why.
A house?
A car in THIS millennium?
A dog…a turtle named Haze, good job, financial security, possibly someone who would like to laugh and be stupid as much as me? A yearly get away to Disney (or at least once before I DIE!!!!!)
That next level.
It’s just not there for me. I’ve come to realize there is a very fine line between resolution and revelation and trust me when I say 2018 was the year I stood on it and walked it like a tightrope.
I get it. I just wanna know why. Like a child, haha
Why do some people get that beautiful laid out life and I’m just here?
Some don’t even want that life yet it’s given to them freely and they squander and waste it like it’s nothing.
I LOVE my life in general. My children…again, blessed BEYOND measure with all of these amazing things yet I live a life of Job and I am utterly confused because even he had his year of jubilee, right?
Well God, 2019…Seven years since he bounced and my laid out future was gone. I only got to have a glimps?
My parents…two of my children don’t even remember them.
A glimps. And it was gone.
But this year is it. My new year resolution isn’t. It’s my year of revelation. And 2019 is MY YEAR OF JUBALIE.
No matter what.
I will go on into life with this nutty laugh and these crooked ass teeth and I face every trial head on because I wasn’t raised any other way. But man…I long…loooong for that life. Everybody seems to of had their time and I am just waiting like a patient puppy for my turn, while excited for everyone else in line but mine never comes. Maybe it’s just not supposed to? Maybe MY jubalie is letting go of what I assumed we all get eventually and just continue to
adapt to any situation I’m put in. I’m a mutha fuckin’ survivor bro, haha But maybe I am apart of that Proverbs 19:17 and Deauteronomy 15:7-11…
Revelation can be a scary thing man.
“a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way.”
Revelation….
“Bagging that next level with God” isn’t so important with me anymore. The burden of being made to feel I HAD to is absolutely ah~fucking~mazing! Haha
Job must have been very lonely.
But I don’t think God has forgotten about me anymore.
Perhaps I’m an example? (my dad wouldn’t believe that one, haha) Or maybe I’m just a spiritual, hippie, gypsy girl who just spreads joy…who knows? But I’ve been angry, I can still be angry…but I CHOOSE…not to STAY… that way. I NEVER have.
I’ll continue to choose joy.
Just an adjustment, in my year of jubalie.
So, here we are…

Shalom,
Gesuschic~

If anything in my 46 years on this earth I have learned, it’s that life…can change in one mother fucking instant.
Your entire world can turn upside down or right side up as quickly as the next breath you take.
However, either way it goes your perspective and mindset is crucial for survival. On everything I am that is the truth.
To date my oldest daughter Serenity and I have lost a combine total weight of 186 pounds. (please clap and scream excitedly here 😉 ) Was it easy? Hell no. We’re talking losing WEIGHT. My God we all know DEATH is easier than losing FAT. (can I get an “AMEN” from the obese section in life please?) When I first started walking to the corner store I thought the distance was equivalent to the forty years the children of Israel wandered in the desert. Later in the months I realized it was actually 12 minutes. Now? I make that skip in 4 1/2 🙂 The words to tell each other where we’re going have even changed. The conversation and negotiations of who’s making the walk to get the milk have all ceased and faded with the fat surrounding our hearts (can I say that?)  From “Ugh…headed down to the store…” to “Hey, running over to the store right quick, you need anything?” from “PLEASE go to the store for me, pleeeeease? I’ll get you a drink?” HAHAHA! to “I’m running over to the store” “Oh I need to go there, I’ll walk with you…” MINDSET: It’s no longer a hike to run to the corner store.
Our perspectives are so different. How we look at something and analyze what it is or should be, haha The complaining the whole walk back or to even look at the walk to the store as a walk. Let me explain. Walking to the store is a must if we want or need something. It takes 20 minutes to walk to the store (by the way, at one time it was 45min) and about 25 minutes back depending on the amount and weight of the groceries we’re carrying. The perspective is that isn’t a walk. ren and I will go the corner store and grocery store three to four times a day but we STILL get our WALK in during the week. Taking six to eight mile walks, pumping the kick ass music on our Spotify as we kick the fat away from our heart and make our weight loss an adventure. No time frames for goals just a lifestyle change (I know it sounds typical) but the second Ren and I decided to purge and clean our mindsets, our perspective in how we look at EVERYTHING in life (not just our weight) it became easier and easier to the point we no longer have a “snack cabinet.” (I know half of you just gasped for air!) We haven’t used the term “sweet tooth” in our home in MONTHS.
Prophet Mark Kenny and I were going somewhere and when he told me where I said “Oh that’s not that far…” and he laughed and said “you don’t think that because you walk everywhere.” Those words totally stuck in my head man. It’s not about the distance or even the walk. It’s about where I need to go and I get there. There is no “UUUUGH…” Yes you get tired you wanna quit at times all the above. But at the end of the day man this IS about you. Your life. How will you smash your demons and defeat the monsters you’ve hidden? Anything you are afraid to conquer and overcome  is always because of something negative or a demonic “what if.” Change your attitude and GO. Rejection, jealousy, fear, contentment…those are ALL negative. When I take the bus to work. Especially if its real cold outside or raining. It never matters if it’s just me or a crowd of us standing there. We always, ALWAYS will look and stare and anticipate the buses arrival. We all KNOW it’s coming. The bus is very consistent. Yet every single day we’ll look out for it. When it’s in our very sight some people will get their passes out, money prepared ect., Some of us will walk towards the curb, getting ready to step on…we all start preparing ourselves. Nobody just stands there and stays right in the same spot when they see the bus. It may have a few lights to go through before getting to where we need picked up but just the same…we get ready. 
We need to “get ready” in life. To start deciding how we are going to vibe and spread kindness like its money.  Change our perspectives and mindset to positives and life changing words of encouragement to ourselves! We won’t always have control over life. It plays by its own rules and most the time those rules are fucked up and changed on a daily without notice. But we DO have control over how we’re going to look at what we’re facing. What the plan is to go straight the hell through it as if we’re a football player running onto the damn field with determination and mindset to win. How are you looking at what is haunting you today? Don’t ever fall into contentment. You’ll get comfy in that fear and that’s the ultimate bullshit you can do to yourself and who you know you’re supposed to be gangsta 😉 Get up, face that shit. Change your lifestyle in how you look at absolutely everything and live for going forward. Never stop getting to where you want and know you need to be.  One day, you’ll wake up and you’ll realize what once seemed like FOREVER was just a skip away and it WILL get easier, even if it seems to take a while to get better 😉

Selah….
CHERyL

I’ve always been that girl in awe by the colors and brightness of the rainbow when the rest of the world were focused on finding the pot of gold at the end of it.
A lot like my momma in that aspect.
I struggle sometimes on the mistake God made in keeping me here and taking the rest of my family home.
Do I have a purpose? Absolutely man. However, I’m not so sure this world can take a me. Perhaps my time has passed or something. I feel more and more like a wondering gypsy everyday.
My gifts are so evident. Always on the bright side of life, always! My glass although cracked, is always half full and the silver lining may be dim but I LOOK until I find it. I consider myself to be open to everything yet attached to nothing. Only because people tend to leave. Weather by choice or in death…they leave. I at one time thought it was me. But not so much anymore. I’m flawed in a way people can’t seem to tolerate.
I smile.
I laugh.
My positive energy seems to always be my downfall. The people I attract can’t seem to take the fact I make it a point to “spread kindness like it’s money.”
The world has gotten so jaded.
How sad.
But where does that leave me?
I’m too tired and worn down to fight for people to accept and love me anymore. That is one thing that has changed with me. No longer will I fight. I spent 18yrs trying to prove to someone they had my loyalty only to realize it was never mine that was the problem. I will NEVER be ANYONE’s fool ever again.
I’ve also found that if someone is already so damaged by what has been done to them by other jaded people, they won’t ever believe you anyway.
Wasted energy.
Don’t do that to yourself. Be selfish. A new road I’ve decided to venture on. I need to take more risks and branch out. The key to loneliness with someone like me is meeting even MORE people. Not closing yourself off from them all together.
Whenever I walk I think about it.
As Jesus walked from City to City, the disciples….Whenever they came to a City not ready or willing to hear or accept what they had to offer they shook that dust and kept it fucking moving. So….I’m keeping it moving. I’m a very passionate person when it comes to things I give a fuck about. Apparently a lot of stupid mother fuckers get being mad and being passionate confused. But am I going to keep wasting energy explaining that?
Once upon a time I did. But those days are over. Even in my explanations, my reasoning for them was because I needed to prove to people they were worth the fight. Again, trying to convince unconvincing people of a truth they believe doesn’t exist, is WASTING ENERGY.
If you’re on a plane headed for a crash landing you can have all the parachutes you need, but if someone is so afraid to let go of the seat and put it on and jump…it will do nothing. And while you’re standing there trying to convince someone as passionate as you can be, time and energy is being wasted. You stand there any longer you’ll crash right along with them, their fear and the plane.  It sounds God awful but damn…for your own mental well being just keep it moving. The days are dark. The future isn’t much brighter. The world is going to hell in a hand basket and people are choosing to wither right along with it. The pot of gold has been found and nothing is left for them but misery.
There’s a remnant few though man, still chasing those bright ass colors and choosing to spread that kindness.
I know I still am.

Glass half full. Lover of laughter. A bit unstable. These are just a few of the things I use to describe myself on my many sites of social media. The thing a lot of people don’t know is, my mom would you use these terminologies in describing herself. I do that on purpose. I look just like my dad. However, it has been said I am my mother…through in through.
Attitude.
Outspoken, loving, full of laughter, open, honest, giving the benefit of the doubt. Those were all qualities my mom had that I now have. I love being compared to her. I miss her. It’s the first week of August already, September is right at the door and pretty soon Fall will be here.
Sigh….
There is no amount of prayer or hope that will ever prepare me for the dreaded change of season.
I know that may strike a nerve in some of you, but I can only write how I feel. To say God can change that is questionable to me. All through the book of Psalms and Proverbs (what I read for comfort), you see the authors going through depression, struggle, rejoicing, forgiveness for himself and his enemies, so many emotions from one to the other. It’s so easy for me to identify with those two books from the Bible. But it wasn’t just David who wrote the psalms. The Psalms had more contributing authors than any other.
All different, all with purpose. Men of valor they were. Yet writing things such as:
“Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: Mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.” (Psalms 31:9&10)
These amazing, great men of God struggled with grief, loneliness, fear…just as I do.
David walked broken from the things done to him by those he trusted and even his own sins. How humbling is it to know a man said to be after Gods own heart had such issue? Am I so self absorbed in the 21st century to think I am above whom I serve? David couldn’t even say that folks.
My grief is the thorn in my side and I am a complete mess in silence right now.
This time of year totally sucks ass for me. It always will. Until I hop that ship to zion, high five my brother, kiss my sister, hug my dad and kiss all over my mom’s face, it will be right along side of every step I walk on this planet….But guess what? Just as He was to David, Solomon, Moses, and all the others that have walked before me including my very own kick ass mother…He is STILL God.
My friend Calvin has said…”The sun sets and rises every single day man.” And it truly does. No matter what you’re carrying with you today, out in the open or in secret, He is STILL God. Regardless if you’re in the bathroom at work crying your eyes out or  somewhere celebrating with total euphoria, He is STILL God. If anything in the world brings me complete peace in the middle of overwhelming panic attacks because of grief, it is that known spiritual fact. As crazy and out of control I may appear to those who think they know 😉 (can I say that?),  I find comfort knowing He’s here. Just as He was for the very men who forwarded His words to the rest of us, while they themselves were overwhelmed and struggling with things. Just as He was with my mom when she had to bury her children while she still had breath in her body…Just as He was with my dad when he was thrown into a truck with the dead bodies of men he looked at as brothers for hours and hours before someone realized he was still alive, He is God.
I can’t explain it. But I take a moment, about a million a day actually, and I ponder on the thought that even though I may FEEL alone, I never am.

Walking is therapeutic for me. Sometimes I’ll even go out without music. Imagine that, haha The craziest of things will go through my head sometimes. Like whenever I’m walking to the store, I try to play this game with myself and see how far my eyes can actually see if I strain. I know, I know, I’m a bit of an odd bird. But on my way to the grocery store I can see the buildings down town. Then I drift off thinking about the children of Israel. The joy of relief that must of filled their entire soul in having their new life in eyes view. How amazing that must of felt for them. THAT is right where I want to be. So incredibly focused  on my journey that I’m completely un~bothered by all of the miles in between. Finally doing the RIGHT thing for myself. For my mind, my body, my spirit. That’s all that matters to me right now. Along with EVERYTHING that surrounds those things. Most people my age have all of that stuff totally figured out in their lives. As usual though, Cheryl pulling in the rear…haha But nobody can ever accuse me of not taking my time and being sure 😉 Seeing the bigger picture of life is a desire to learn trait. Sometimes the desire of wanting something and needing it is a very fine mother fuckin’ line. I can want a glass of water all day long, but if I’m tired, unmotivated and lazy I won’t move from my position until I absolutely need it.
I’ve been compared to Ruth a lot. Her perseverance in finding the favor of the Lord and consistency. But I’d like to think a little beyond that. Ruth wasn’t just finding favor because of her consistency in obedience. She was finding favor because of her focus in getting to her new life. She new THAT is who she was now. Even though she may not have been quite sure of her direction, she was damn sure going to get there.
I told Mark today I want to get to his and his kick ass wife, Lori’s level of being completely un~bothered. People get uncomfortable around Mark because he reminds them of something they are dealing with in themselves. I know this to be fact. Hell, I am one of those people on occasion, LMFAO But I know this to be true because since trying to obtain pieces of mental peace myself, I’ve noticed the uncomfortable skin around me to…itch sort of speak. I’ve let go of the fact THAT…is NOT my problem. I made it mine for years. But only in the past 5 have I come to peace with the terms MY comfort in my own self is a stronghold for some people. That breaks my heart, but I can no longer try to fix that in people or apologize for getting off my fat ass and applying CHANGES to my own life and begin to make me a better person for MY OWN mental well being. Why should I have ever been made to feel bad for my glass half full disposition?
As much as that hurts me, I understand and totally get it. I get that that “bothers” some people. I have not always been positive. I LEARNED to be. I CHANGED that. I didn’t like who I was before. As much as I get that annoys some people, I’m now “bothered” by the fact I’m an excuse for their not being able to focus on a bigger picture for themselves. (WHOA! Can I saaay THAT? Geesh…another blog my friends, another blog!) Which brings me to the level I DESIRE to reach.
Un~Bothered.
Mark and his kick~ass wife Lori, have no resentment towards anyone. Honestly, not anyone. Neither of them are the type of people to talk shit. I admire that. I respect it. I talk shit. Yes I do. I will vent, be pissed off, annoyed…bothered.
The GOAL of reaching un~bothered involves consistency in MY vision. Even when I’m tired. You can be all these crazy emotions in life. Mad, happy, somber, numb, silly, sleepy…and STILL be focused.
THAT was my girl Ruth. She paid no mind to those around her. To the King’s men who were probably eye ballin’ her, others noticing her favor, to no doubt “mean muggin’ talkin’ shit, haha…she was focused, and un~bothered on every single one of them and only thinking, breathing and moving towards that new life. Doing her thing out there everyday and minding her business and keeping to herself.
In some chapters of life we have to be selfish. It sounds easy but my passion and love I have for people make that very hard for me. But certain things need to come together in order to start working. My weight loss needed to inline with my journey for inner peace. That focus of finding my new life is in sight and I have to be around nothing but motivation. Falling back, keeping to myself, staying focused because I DESIRE a NEED to be right within my own body, mind and spirit.  For my own sake and the legacy I’ll leave behind. For my children…my grand children 😉  As my weight falls off and my mind learns new ways of finding peace I’m falling more and more in love with life. As terrified as I am of it. Every day closer to a new life out there waiting for me. I’m focused on my purpose. My disposition is as stands, forward on into spiritual growth and everything with it man.
Growth doesn’t always feel good either. But if you knew by doing the right thing… your consequence may be undesired, would you still do the right thing?

Saleh~
Gesuschic