My Crazy Faith

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October 25, 2014

View From The Heart

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I was born with a congenital heart defect. At six months old my parents rushed me to the emergency room, long story short the doctors found that I had aortic stenosis. I’ve had two open heart surgeries in my lifetime, including a valve replacement from a pig cadaver. (Which is why some friends call me “pig..” haha, and the haters thought it was because I was chubby 😉 )
To say the least, I was born with a heart like no other.
I do see things unlike other people. Maybe it was a “heart thing,” maybe it was how I was raised or who I was raised by…I don’t know. But with the past few years, my experiences with unforeseen circumstances and turning points, I would have to say it added to my view from the heart.
I’ve been so angry.
No.
I AM angry.
My mother was a woman who took every possible situation, good or bad to get tight knit with The Father. Taught me the same. But man…here lately, I don’t feel so tight knit. In fact, I feel as though I’m coming loose at the seams. My mind is crazy unsettled. Music and incense isn’t even bringing me peace. I know Believers should keep a tough exterior, but when you read the Bible none before me (including Christ Himself) had it easy. Ever…And when I try comparing my hardship to that of David, Paul, John…Peter, There is none. In fact, when I compare my life to theirs I seem like a big fat wuss. I don’t even come close to being as strong as I thought I was.
But still, I can’t do this.
Every corner of my comeback seems filled with disappointment and failure.
I feel like I’m standing on a threshold of a mental breakdown and I keep myself from exhaling in fear of falling…again.
Trying to keep a smile on my face and kicking down every door slammed in my way, but my “tough girl” act is wearing thin and I’m just angry at why God is allowing this to happen.
I have no right to complain.
I’ve not been crucified.
Dipped in hot oil.
Stoned by my peers.
Or exiled on an island left to die all alone.
But still…My anger is rising and I find myself starting to blame the very one who loves me the most. I truly am, no better, than the one who looked Jesus in the face and pushed the thorns through the skin on His scalp.
But still…as hypocritical as it is, I’m angry.
Where is God at?
What in the hell is He doing?
Can I even get an angel of mercy during my suffering?
I feel forgotten.
I’m lost in a whirlwind of bullshit circumstance and I’m feeling like the tide has swept me away from shore and He’s not even sending me a life jacket of peace. Perhaps I shouldn’t write such blasphemy, but in my view of how I see thing’s, I hope that by writing this blog, being honest, someone, somewhere can say “wow…I feel the same way…” At least I can be their glimmer of hope, in my own dark well of dry and barren land…
Just because I love God, doesn’t mean I can never be angry at Him…
Feel distant from Him…
Feel forgotten by Him…
I see the favor. My situation can be so much worse.
But like my Pastor says…I’m a lot better at being “spiritual” when sipping on a latte, laying on a beach full of sunshine, and my only inconvenience is that my sunglasses broke. (haha)
I struggle becoming bitter…I feel as though this season of “gypsy” is way long overdue for an ending. I fight that party invitation to the pity and it pisses me off even more.
My struggle isn’t my identity, although I feel to those around me, it’s starting to be.
I was sitting in church last Sunday and I felt hopelessly numb.
Towards the end, Pastor Matt was praying and all of a sudden I felt my eyes roll in the back of my head. The feeling you get as a child when you lean back on the swing as your body lifts forward. I held my breath and there it was.
A vision.
First one in a VERY long time.
My hair was so shiny. I felt as though I was standing on a cloud and there was NOTHING but a sweet smell of peace. It sounds crazy and I can only describe it as such…a smell of peace.
I was small…
And God was leaning down towards me. His hands reached out. I felt terrified, yet comforted by His presence, so I stepped forward, onto my tippy toes.
I couldn’t control my face as I smiled from ear to ear.
He was so full of light. Brighter than I had EVER seen…I wanted to look into His face so bad but the light…I had to close my eyes as He came closer to me and with His hands, both of them. He cradled my face.
Then, just like that I jumped.
Sitting in my church pew looking around wondering if I had just fallen asleep and dreamed what had happened.
But Pastor Matt was still on the same prayer for the person who had gone forward. It could have only been a second.
It was a vision.
I’m angry.
I’m still angry.
But He is STILL…right here.
You may be just like me. Wondering around in your helpless barren land of cold darkness.
Temptation and lies of a destiny in hopeless drought.
Being pulled in a direction that may appear safer for your heart.
But closing it, is not an option. Even in the midst of my selfish anger…God cared enough to find me in the middle of a church congregation. When dozens ran forward to find Him, I stayed feeling numb with my anger and yet He pursued me.
Am I still angry today?
Yep…
But in my season of feeling spiritual numbness, He came to me. And with that, I will cling even tighter and my loosened seams from last week…are a tad…tighter knit today 😉
Be angry…You’re only human.
We battle constantly with our flesh. Just as those who walked before us. This is just a very small part of my story. My journey to a comeback.
I hope it was okay I shared it with you.
I hope I was your angel of mercy (in a positive manner).
But even more so, in the middle of my struggle, I hope I made a difference in yours.

SELAH…
Cheryl

 

August 29, 2014

The Caboose Is the Coolest Part Of The Train.

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 We lived in the east side of Columbus, Ohio. Yes, it was known as “the ghetto.” Our big huge green house literally sat in an alleyway and had no drive way. My house was so close to the railroad tracks, whenever I was on the phone with a friend and that train was going by, my friend would say “OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THAT?” Hahaha…As a kid, I freaking hated that. It was incredibly embarrassing, loud, and the epitome of uncool, haha
But every single night, usually right after supper, my Grandpa would go outside to the gate at the front of our house and stand. Our good and faithful German Shepherd by his side, Skipper. And every so often I’d see my Gramps with his marlboro red cigarette in his left hand, raise up his right and wave. Skip would run back and forth along the fence, barking at the loud train going by as if he wanted nothing more in life than to be given the chance to chase after it.
I think I was around 12 or 13 years old when one day I asked him;
“Grandpa, why are you waving at that stupid train?”
He looked down at me as he took the cigaret from his mouth, exhaled the smoke from the left side corner of his mouth, laughed two chuckles and said:
“Tommie-Girl, the man sitting in the caboose. His job is to look after everything and make sure the crew have a safe place to rest.”
For YEARS I watched as my Grandpa would stand out there and wave at the man sitting in the caboose. I would even see him wave back from time to time. As if he looked for my Grandpa and our old barking German Shepherd.
 From time to time as I got older, in my life I would always refer to myself in the “spiritual sense” as being the caboose of Christianity. Even being married to the Youth Pastor I was the last to know anything, the last to be invited anywhere, the last to be thought of when making plans, always the last at anything. I was never good at being apart of an “inner circle” ever in my life, haha Kind of like the third verse of a hymn. You hear people in church use the term “BE THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL, AND NOTHING LESS!” (Deuteronomy 28, kjv)
But as my thoughts reminded me of this memory of my Gramps… I kind of like being the caboose of the body, the spiritual body I should say 😉 Subconsciously, It’s probably why I always referred to myself that way to be honest.
I may not be in the spotlight of a big Ministry or my name may not be dropped in circles of “the cool kids” at church, and I may not be the one everybody in church looks to for “sound spiritual wisdom…” (said in my best James Earl Jones impersonation) but ya know what?
It’s okay.
I don’t need to be that person.
The thing with being the head and not the tail is…
When you represent a BODY, SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE TAIL.
It doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to all of those amazing blessings. It just means in the circles I run…I head up the back. And again, that’s okay. I don’t think it was meant to be any other way. I come from a family of being the rear end of the Body, hahaha It’s a big responsibility to be the last cart on the train. The things we do aren’t ever seen, only by God.
To me? That’s BIG STUFF.
There’s no crowd telling me how good I’m doing or no smiling faces to show me approval.
It’s just whomever comes across my doorstep for rest and security….and God. Not many people can handle it, but He knew my family could.
Some have said I could “possess so MUCH more” and be entitled for “great things,” but how foolish to think the part I play in the Kingdom hasn’t already given me those things?
That they actually already ARE those things to me?
I’m an evangelist.
Not the kind who speaks to crowds of thousands.
But the kind whose never met a stranger.
The kind who bumps into a pregnant unwed teenager in the bathroom of a Wal-Mart, and shares a glimpse of hope to her future.
The kind who has a “spiritually divine” appointment with someone who was lost in the cracks of Sunday morning church or Saturday afternoon visitation.
Wondering around the train, finally needing a place to sit for awhile and be safe…And when they get there, they’ll find me.
And God willing 😉 I’ll do my part.

Choo-Choo!!
CHERyL

 

November 17, 2013

“Even If You Lose Everything.”

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So here I am. 41 years old, sharing a bedroom with my oldest daughter in the home of my best friend from childhood and her husband. My boys are across the hall and my youngest daughter down the hall. I tried, no…no. I did…my best. But it wasn’t enough.
The story of my life right?
Every single chapter keeps ending the same way for me. I pour all that I am into all that I have and circumstances beyond my control slam into my life and POOF.
It’s all gone.
Everything I worked for.
Starting over and over again is getting to be a challenge. However, I won’t let it break me. One day eventually it will all pay off. If I stop believing that then I lose all hope and then I’ll really be in trouble.
I try to teach my kids that no matter what, stay true to you. Don’t ever allow the actions of another determine who you’re going to be. The one thought that goes through my head day-to-day is the fact God has the big picture of my life. I may never see it, but I know there are things going on that would probably blow my freakin’ mind in the spiritual…I can’t stop moving. If Ruth packed up and went back to her family Boaz never would have found her.
Rahab was Boaz momma, perhaps that’s why he had a heart for Ruth because of who his mom was. Did you know Ruth ended up being the great-grandmother of David, who is the lineage Of Jesus?
Rahab…when she helped the two spies sent by Joshua, no way could she have known that one day…one day she would be great-grandmother of the Savior of the world…or great-great grandma? But my point being, she was a well-known harlot who did the right thing that could have cost her life.
Bathsheba too, a great-grandmother of Jesus. I mean when you really dig into Jesus and His lineage… Tamara, Ruth, Rehab, BathSheba…Holy crap man, NONE of them were even Jewish!!!
Seriously, the family of Jesus beats even the cray of the crazy. The Hatfields and The McCoys. Just pondering on those facts alone how can I think that I’m not a part of something so much bigger than even I yet or may ever know?
I’ve lost everything. A few times, lol But just like Ruth, just like Rahab, just like every single riff~raff in the Bible I WILL keep going. Is it wrong to say or think “it may always be an up hill battle?” Perhaps to some. But when I look at the life of Jesus and all who followed Him their rewards were after death. Not that I’m waiting to die or anything, haha I’m just living…trying to focus on moving forward with one foot in front of the other looking for that favor, counting those blessings and anticipating that beautiful blessed hope that is to come.
It sucks to struggle. I will never understand why some do and some don’t but what I do know is that whatever cup I am given in this life keeps me at His feet…I will drink it.
Jesus is all I need.
If there is anything my children take away from me, it’s truly that.
Nothing but Jesus.
Starting over at 40? Big deal man. There is no real relevance in material things. No matter how nice they may be to have. The real relevance is in your life. How you lived it, how much you loved those around you, how you treated them and complete strangers and who you walked with 😉 Today is the oldest and youngest you will ever be, and tomorrow isn’t promised to no one. So live, laugh and walk with Him who matters most even if it means you may have to lose everything to keep you right there.

Selah….,
*Gesuschic

 

September 25, 2013

“Circles In The Desert.”

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Years of going in circles while walking through a desert seems to be the theme my life generates over and over. At times I can actually feel myself spinning. Or am I standing still and it’s the world around me moving?
Not really sure…
I close my eyes and take in a breath and hold it until I feel a sense of relief, a moment of peace. Exhale Cheryl. It’s okay. I feel as though  I’m moving forward only to get pushed back and once again I find myself at His mercy. How many times can my spirit be broken? My heart races as my soul is emptied and there I am. Laying all that I am on an altar of sacrifice begging for redemption. To ashamed to lift my head and look to His face I curl in a fetal position waiting for His rebuke.
Silence.
Not even a whisper.
I long to be whole, complete. Made new by His love, His sacrifice. Disregarding my past, my secrets, my shame, my guilt…He calls me beloved. Gives me beauty for ashes and defines the very depths of my entire being.
I love Him.
I fear Him.
I stand in awe of His Omnipotence.
I feel so unworthy to have Him call me His, yet I am drawn into all that He illuminates.
The great I Am…
My prince, my love, My God. Truly the lover of my soul. Who holds the entire span of the universe in the palm of His hand yet harms me not, and handles me with such gentle and holy care.
By one word He created the world and one word destroy it.
He loves me.
He loves me…
To weak and ashamed to stand before Him He reaches and touches my face, lifts my eyes to Him and calls me Woman…Refining my self-worth, my dignity and reforming my roll as He see’s and not what man has made me believe.
Who is such a God, a Savior as this? To know I am nothing but broken pieces He could shatter, but does it not?
Barefoot, bruised and dirty…all by my own doing in choices and regret…Yet He still loves me. Pursues my heart to fall in love with Him as He has already done for me…even while I was yet in my mother’s womb.
What have I done to deserve Him?
I so adore His face.
My King…My Jesus…Take it all, everything I have. Drench me in grace that only you can give.
I have nothing more to offer than who I am.
A whore at Your feet.
I lay before you all that I am, all that I long and dream to be…please draw near to me and never, never let me go…

Selah,
Cheryl 

 

February 18, 2013

“Story’s And Strongholds.”

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Every morning is a new day, laying in bed hitting snooze for the third time.
It’s right there.
What I now know as the dreaded taunting of a Christian’s worst nightmare.
Strongholds.
They suck.
A few weeks ago Pastor Matt spoke on them and for the very first time I realized I didn’t even know what they actually were. Crazy, growing up in a Christian home and yet here I am a grown woman clueless as to my worst adversary.
This past Saturday Matt spoke more on our  fiery fiending enemies and explained in detail their meaning and goal.  Their point of attack is the soul.
Three parts: Body, Soul and Spirit.
My soul is just broken.
Sometimes I get so excited in the Spirit I could almost cart-wheel back to Worthington on Saturday nights but then it happens…One right after another…
“You will never be good enough.”
I cannot remember a time in my life to where this l’il phrase has not bounced back and forth in the crevice of my mind finding its way to the depths of my soul and took up house.
“You always fuck things up…”
A penny for the countless times I’ve heard this, and I’d be a Hilton.
So much so that people have actually told me that my good intentions always lead to chaos because, well…”that’s just you Cheryl.”
I’ve always had that feeling of anything that I touch turns to mud. No matter what I do.
I love so hard yet it always seems to find its way gone from me…
People leave me…whether by choice or in death either way I end up all by myself trying to figure what in the hell just happened. I get this feeling as if I bother people and I’m over extending my welcome.
I’m expendable.
The problem with all of those things is that it has seeped its nasty way right into my relationship with the Lord.
“Normal” people think “what if”s” from losing their jobs to not getting a degree to a loan falling through whatever! Me? Oh no…my cluster of fear is the big “what if” God thinks of me like all of those thoughts I mentioned?
He thinks I’m not good enough.
I’ll just screw that up for Him…
The worship band played this song with the words “He loves us…” and everything was all fine and dandy until they changed up the words to say “He loves me…” and I was all in the moment.
Hands raised,
face in the air,
and I couldn’t do it. I could not sing those words.
God continuously moves His wave of grace over my life yet here I stand, and I can’t sing those words.
Am I a disappointment? My biggest pet peeve is having to prove to people I love them but yet I ask God to do so on a daily. As if  giving His only begotten Son wasn’t enough.
Confidence of who I am in Christ is lacking and it’s overwhelming to me.
I am so broken.
I am so broken.
I am so broken.
Sometimes I lay in bed and I feel as though my soul is just dying piece by piece.
Church was Saturday and Sunday night the words of Pastor Matt are still roaming through my heart and mind.
I need to re condition my thinking. My thoughts…
Stop letting them get the best of me.
I might as well grab a fiery dart and commit spiritual suicide if I allow myself to keep going on like this.
I feel as though I’m on a ledge and God is reaching out His hand and I’m that helpless damsel whose afraid to let go of the side of the building about to cave in, when safety and security is RIGHT THERE. But I NEED to MOVE. The crazy ironic part is…In order to “save myself” from falling…I have to let go.
In order not to die in the fire sometimes you have to walk through it to get out.
How frightening .
The last thing I want is a stagnant salvation.
After Saturday the words “old soul” have a completely new meaning to me. People who have one must have fought through major fiery darts thrown in their direction.
But as Pastor Matt went on to say “You have a story…” and I do.
As a child walking through a street of gunfire and never being harmed.
A heart-valve replacement gone bad to the point I should have been dead and the cardiologist was in awe at me sitting in his office…My Ezra is an actual vision brought to life, my Serenity was an unplanned TESTIMONY of God’s precious grace, standing in the middle of Heartsong feeling the amazing anointing of an awesome God for the first time in my life…The mere fact my mothers Doctor NEVER heard MY heartbeat and encouraged her to end the pregnancy…I HAVE countless story’s of why I am and who I am meant to be and those are my reminders that those strongholds have no place to torment my already broken soul. Every single story outlined in mercy, touched by grace is a jab right back at the enemy.
I’ve also been told that my “glass half full mind-set is unrealistic. You need to be more of a realist.”
No.
Never…
I believe that with the “tearing down of strongholds” you need to be the dreamer…because they are the spiritually broken so desperate for atonement that even with a heavy heart and a wounded soul you can begin your story again.
My body is tired, my Spirit is thirsty…but I’m starting to put band aids to cover each wound of attack on my soul. Each and every one is a story of how I came to be in the strength of Jesus, and one day…there is no doubt I’ll be able to sing those three l’il words with every confidence of Heaven, “He loves me…”
I may be broken but by no means whatsoever am I defeated.

Cheryl~
2 Corinthians 10:4 (KJV) “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds.”

 

April 30, 2012

“God Smacked Me In The Face With A Brick.”

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I know that whenever Pastor Bryn begins to speak God is about to smack me in the face with a brick.
True story 🙂
Spiritually speaking of course.
All she said was “God can reach us in those dark…hopeless…places…”
Sitting at work today in my head my words to God; “I just feel as though I’m in a well. Not of wishes but just a dark hopeless well with no light in sight.”
I swear Pastor Bryn is right THERE in my head, Saturday after Saturday, facebook status after facebook status. God be with me if she ever decides to get on Twitter! (hahaha) Just kidding!
Every week I walk into church and I lay before the Father all that I am…My dreams, goals…the family I grieve for and the wrongs that I’ve done to people and what they have done to me…I pray He keeps me humble, watch over me with mercy and love me with grace. Yet at approximately 7:45pm I leave with the SAME crap that my flesh has been having a tug of war battle with in the spirit for a VERY long time.
Some things you hold onto out of fear of failing, fear of God not listening, or both.
With me it’s not just those things but my stronghold is more of a “comfort food” if you will. I’m my own worst enemy.
The biggest hypocrite of them all.
 Raging from the roof tops to anyone who will listen how JESUS can set ANYONE free, there is POWER in the blood yet as a child not wanting to put back the toy he’s be carrying around the store, I stand before Him holding it behind my back.
“TAKE MY LIFE LORD…IT’S YOURS! DO WITH IT AS YOU WILL…I COMPLETELY TRUST YOU IN EVERYTHING…except for this ONE thing…”
I have some nerve.
How can I profess FREEDOM in Christ when I myself stand stagnant in sin and complacency?
I’m totally ashamed of myself.
As well as I should be.
The children of Israel wondered around the desert for FORTY YEARS what should have been a 12 hour trip. I wonder myself…
But I’m too hungry to be walking for another decade waiting for things I could already be SEEING if I just COMPLETELY SURRENDER. 
I CRAVE the presence of the Father. It sounds totally gross, but I want Him to mark His territory as a dog would, on my ENTIRE BEING. Without a word spoken I want people to KNOW who I AM is by the smell from my spirit as I walk into a room.
Like those who I’ve read about in my Bible, those who have spiritually mentored me in my life and those who walk among me now.
Being stagnant by the very baggage He sacrificed His Son for, so I wouldn’t even have to carry it in the first place is ridiculous. 
This is it for me…
I’m letting it go and moving forward with my eyes WIDE shut and my SPIRIT completely OPEN…

Watch Out For The Bricks,
In Him,
The Whore At His Feet…

 

April 30, 2012

“Dry Bones, Dead Dreams.”

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WRITTEN: January 2012

Church was so beautiful Sunday. It’s funny, I would never have thought Matt Rice would one day be my Pastor when I was wind millin’ my hair front and center watching his band rock out at the Al Rosa 20 some years ago. But that’s why God is so cool and awesome. The things you could never imagine, He…can bring to life. When you’re a Christian actually walking in the presence of the Holy Spirit life is always moving forward with each step a leap out of the boat and onto the water, yet your whole mind set is within a complete peace. I haven’t felt that in a VERY long time. Circumstance, anger and bitterness creeps at every corner, every doorway lurking, waiting for a way in and sadly sometimes it finds itself nestled in your spirit and it happens. 
You begin to die. 
Spiritually, just…dying. 
Crazy how you don’t even realize it happens. Bitterness for a Believer is like Cancer. If not treated you just begin to completely shut down. 
Before you know it you are too weak to eat, function…and eventually just die. For a long time I could tell it was happening but by the point I did I really didn’t care. As Pastor Matt said: “your dreams have died.” Sooo true man…Before, I was so excited thinking how God was going to move next and now…eh…I remember when…
I totally hate that feeling. 
When I’m not close to God I am totally miserable. Anyone who knows me can see it all over my face. It’s hard when you allow that bitterness to take over how you also become estranged from allowing yourself to be …GULP…vulnerable. (GASP!) But I do miss it though. I miss having confidence in the fact that no matter WHAT life has for me GOD will be my security. In loss…happiness…grief…everyday living. These past two weeks have been such an eye opener for me. It is SO crucial to CLING to Jesus. In EVERY situation of my life. 
Good times, bad times…ALWAYS CLING TO JESUS because man, life can change and in an INSTANT your whole entire world can be thrown into a loop. I hated having that happen while being out of the will of the Father. Reason being was because it was no longer a concern about GOD’S WILL yet MY OWN. I have JOY in the fact God is God, and I’m NOT Him 🙂 Everything Pastor Matt talked about Sunday was totally for me. I just knew it too. I knew God was waiting for me…My spiritual bones have been dead and stagnant for so long I was almost too embarrassed to even go to church last Sunday. Yet at the same time I couldn’t lay there dying forfeiting my destiny. Pastor Matt talked about so many important factors on The Gate Church Sunday but the thing I walked away with was the fact I STILL serve a God of do~over’s, A just God who is all for restoration and grace. There is no doubt in my mind that I serve a SOVEREIGN Holy God who isn’t waiting for me to fail, yet encouraging me to get back up and get moving again. 
Have I fallen before?
Shit man, who hasn’t? But guess what? “DO OVER!!!” And there is Jesus, in the MIDDLE of my storm, my RAGING sea waiting for me to step up out of the boat and focus my eyes on Him.
I feel refreshed. Blessed He has brought me this far despite myself. 
What is your sea? 
What is raging against you?
Finances, love, employment, it can be anything, whatever it is…Screw it man! You CAN’T make it through without God. Without focusing in on Jesus. It’s scary starting over man…But dude that is GRACE. 
Children have to learn to crawl before they can walk. I’m starting over in my relationship with Jesus and trust me for the past 6 years I have been crawling my way toward Him but Sunday…I took a step. Monday another, Tuesday…Wednesday…Every single day I feel stronger and stronger and it won’t ever be like it was before. But that’s okay. This is NEW wine. the open invitation Jesus laid before me has been accepted and my glass has been REFRESHED. 
Today is here, I can’t change the past by any means but I can raise my glass, link arms with Christ as we toast to my dead bones brought to life and my dreams becoming alive again. He is faithful…so faithful…Praise the Lord  for real men of God and their obedience to the calling in their lives! there are NO coincidences people! There is reason for everything. You NEVER know what God is doing so just “go with it” have confidence He is in control and the faith to believe He knows what He’s doing 😉 


SELAH, \o/
CHERyL