The thing with me is that I get so emotionally involved in everything I do. Weather it’s a job, a relationship, friendships, all the way down to how I exercise and treat an absolute stranger. There isn’t anything on this entire planet that I can do and NOT be emotional.
I’m vested.
My dad was this big ‘ole 300 pound SOLID Marine who scared everyone by his mere look. But a lot people didn’t realize that my dad would talk to anybody. He was such a lover with his big ‘ole scary lookin’ ass. Yet whenever I was with him I noticed very quickly that he never met a stranger. My dad was cautious of everyone, yet he still loved.
My mom? Ironically EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS flocked to my mom as if it were reading and snack time in Kindergarten. Yet…SHE was the scary one! HAHA My mom had a mouth, an attitude and she had no problem taking the chip off of her shoulder and beating you to death with it. She took no shit. However, she laughed. Man, she LOVED to laugh. My mom would never start a conversation with anyone but she’d talk to everybody. Does that make sense?
But they were lovers of people. Our house was constantly full of faces of strangers whenever it was cold out.  It was nothing the night before Thanksgiving on his way home from work, my dad would see a family or someone on the street and bring them home to share in what little we had.
Just as my kids and I have struggled our fucking asses off (and still do), so did my parents. The difference (as my brother Randy would point out) is that our parents never let us know we were poor…haha
I’ve been so discouraged. I talk about how I feel like I’m just withering away. I don’t go out anymore, I keep next to no friends close to me anymore and I stay to myself.
I’ve been racking my soul trying to figure out how to stop this downward spiral. To get back to where I was and who I was raised to be.
But that isn’t what’s been happening at all. I’ve had it wrong this whole entire time. I haven’t fallen from anything. My conversations with God haven’t been non-existent at all. He has just been changing how He communicated with me. I’ve had a few times where I’ve screamed out loud in literal anger and demanded to know “where in the fuck He’s been?” But this morning it hit me. He’s been RIGHT here. I may be feeling completely lonely but I have not been alone at all. Not even for a second. God has just…been. Allowing me to vent, be sad, angry, question, cry and again as I’ve said in other blogs, lay out every single one of my billion and ten emotions before The Lord. And unlike EVERYONE else…GOD has stayed right beside me.
Not stagnant, just quiet. Allowing me to have every one of my emotional breakdowns 🙂
He was waiting for me to calm down, to take a deep breath and HEAR His voice rather than just listen.
Today I was walking to the library and a few of the sidewalks were cleared off. A lot of them weren’t. Yesterday it was a bit of the same only not as much snow. One area of my walk, a water pipe had busted and there was nothing but ice, thick slicker than usual ice. But I was able to walk around it yesterday. All of the people who had walked this path before me had made a way around the ice for me to follow. (read that again 😉 ) However….today, there was even MORE snow and no path had been cleared. I was the first to be walking through this area today. The block of ice was still there, yet with my tennis shoes, no way I could have went around and walked through a foot of snow from all of the shoveling. I went forward. Walking over the ice with each step being placed as firm and cautious without falling. I got to the other side of the “ice monster” but on the other side of it the sidewalks hadn’t been cleared so there was about five maybe six inches of snow. For a second I thought about crossing the street because it was actually cleared. The owners of those houses had all been out clearing a walkway path. But the side I live on, the side I was walking, was still messy in spots (read that again too). Annoying at times, impossible at times. And I had to be more careful than if I walked on the other side. Instead of hopping over I continued walking forward. I began thinking of my daughter who walks this SAME EXACT way to work and I knew she was going to be leaving for there soon. So I began keeping my feet FIRMLY on the walk. And now, instead of stepping cautiously I was using my shoes and feet as though they were a snow plower. Making a walk way CLEAR and EASIER (not easy, but easier. Read that again) for her when she comes through.
Now I have no idea whether or not Serenity was going to stay on this side or move to the other. But that’s not really the point. Even though I was doing for MY daughter, it would still be easier for EVERYONE else.
An incredible friend (whom I love immensely (Pastor J <3) reminded me of a scripture I had read, probably a thousand times. Romans Chapter 4…It speaks of Moses faith and how he definitely knew God could fulfill every promise about him becoming a father..He just doubted that God actually WOULD fulfill that promise. It’s funny how us humans think. Our logic sometimes can be our own downfall. Romans chapter 4 goes on to say that NONE of those things were just for Moses…The KJV says “it was not written for his sake alone…” PLEASE READ THAT AGAIN GANGSTA’S 😉
These promises from God? We all know He can. We NEED to start believing that HE WILL.
I’m that next generation. I was raised by people who went the course before me and cleared the path. I have no right or reason to get angry now…it’s my turn to do as they all taught me. The Godfather Rich Fout, Pastor Nar, Marcia and Billy Queen, Chuck Smith, Dave Brown…Bob Beeman, Glenn and Wendy Kaiser…my parents…Tom and Wanda Ingram ❤
I’m not next, I’m here.
It’s now my time. The student has become the teacher and I will NOT relent.
Not today man.

Selah……  |o/
Gesuschic~