Have you ever sat in a cluster of clouds and quiet and asked yourself, “how in THE hell did I ever end up here?”
In your life I mean. I joke all the time about being stuck in a rendition of my “Groundhog Day” movie with Bill Murray, haha Only it’s my entire life and not just a two-hour movie.
Every day, hour and minute I ask myself that fucking question. I’m starting to believe there is no answer for it though. The luck of the draw perhaps? The cup you were given for life?
Who knows?
But I’m exhausted thinking it’s because I royally fucked up somewhere and I need to fix it. I’ve been fixing things my entire life. Duck taping my hot mess of a life back together whenever it began to unwind.
My rape.
The death of my family.
My empty marriage.
My money issues.
My faith…sigh
Everything, for a very, very long time and damn, I’m tired. Not of life. Life is just fine. I’m pressing through every crazy chaotic pile of shit she has to throw at me, along with her lemons haha But we have an understanding now.
Neither of us quit…so here we are.
No. What I’m tired of is explaining to people. Not that I have, because…you all reading already know…haha But there is something so bizarre about struggle and being open about it. I mean for YEARS all I heard was “Cheryl, ask. Nobody knows if you don’t say….” blah, blah, blah, blah…BARF. It took a long time for me to be open after my marriage withered into dust and the church folk that were FAMILY to my ex husband, myself, our children, my parents….just…vanished. Some even sending letters as to why they COULDN’T be our friends no longer. I’m tired of people making me believe that it IS my problem I’m here. This cluster fuck of extreme madness inside my head. I know, “a pity blog Cheryl…really?” No assholes. No pity blog, relax. I never feel sorry for myself. well, sometimes haha But that isn’t what I’m doing here. There is no girl movie on the television and I haven’t just finished a pint of chocolate ice cream. This s my NEW YEAR NEW ME BLOG haha Only not a new me. I like me just fine. However a bit of an adjustment to my soul.
I’m letting myself go…
Nope, not gaining any of my weight back.
Nope, still love Jesus to haha (I know you all think I’m a doomed sinner 😉
I’m releasing myself from guilt of every single choice I’ve ever made since my life just started…SPINNING.
“You are where you are today because of the choices you made yesterday.”
I call MAJOR bullshit on that.
That’s not even a fair statement to make to anyone. Not when we have free will running around here like an out of control toddler.
I was from that Calvary Chapel era of “where God guides, God provides” and He has always provided for me man. God has been my ONLY consistency since my ex husband left. I STILL don’t know what I’m supposed to do or if I’m to even do anything at all. I have no fucking idea but what I DO know…Every step I’ve taken in this chapter of my life has been spiritually lead. There have been times I’ve only spoken to God, He knows me.
God has blessed me beyond measure in my short little 46 years on earth. All four of my children are kick ass human beings. My grandson is the absolute joy to my soul, he breathes life into me man…All of my kids do. They’re all I have and the ONLY things I have EVER did right and didn’t fuck up. They may have a different opinion haha But my kids all should be so proud of themselves for who they are. My beautiful babies…
My weight loss. Geesh, I was a COW x’s ten! I’ve lost over ONE HUNDRED and TWENTY POUNDS because my CAR BROKE DOWN. Seriously, broke as a joke and barely making a living so when the car went so did my feet, haha
Water, music, thinking…mentally purging all that I was going through at the time and my weight just poured off and is STILL going down. I have no complaints man. God really is good.
However, that next level.
I can’t seem to ever grasp it. I have asked myself a thousand lifetimes a day why but damn man…I have discovered, purged, cried, transitioned, and started over more in this past seven years than ever in my life. Not just with myself, but people as well.
But yet here we are God….
I’m trying real hard to get ahold of an understanding with why.
A house?
A car in THIS millennium?
A dog…a turtle named Haze, good job, financial security, possibly someone who would like to laugh and be stupid as much as me? A yearly get away to Disney (or at least once before I DIE!!!!!)
That next level.
It’s just not there for me. I’ve come to realize there is a very fine line between resolution and revelation and trust me when I say 2018 was the year I stood on it and walked it like a tightrope.
I get it. I just wanna know why. Like a child, haha
Why do some people get that beautiful laid out life and I’m just here?
Some don’t even want that life yet it’s given to them freely and they squander and waste it like it’s nothing.
I LOVE my life in general. My children…again, blessed BEYOND measure with all of these amazing things yet I live a life of Job and I am utterly confused because even he had his year of jubilee, right?
Well God, 2019…Seven years since he bounced and my laid out future was gone. I only got to have a glimps?
My parents…two of my children don’t even remember them.
A glimps. And it was gone.
But this year is it. My new year resolution isn’t. It’s my year of revelation. And 2019 is MY YEAR OF JUBALIE.
No matter what.
I will go on into life with this nutty laugh and these crooked ass teeth and I face every trial head on because I wasn’t raised any other way. But man…I long…loooong for that life. Everybody seems to of had their time and I am just waiting like a patient puppy for my turn, while excited for everyone else in line but mine never comes. Maybe it’s just not supposed to? Maybe MY jubalie is letting go of what I assumed we all get eventually and just continue to
adapt to any situation I’m put in. I’m a mutha fuckin’ survivor bro, haha But maybe I am apart of that Proverbs 19:17 and Deauteronomy 15:7-11…
Revelation can be a scary thing man.
“a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way.”
Revelation….
“Bagging that next level with God” isn’t so important with me anymore. The burden of being made to feel I HAD to is absolutely ah~fucking~mazing! Haha
Job must have been very lonely.
But I don’t think God has forgotten about me anymore.
Perhaps I’m an example? (my dad wouldn’t believe that one, haha) Or maybe I’m just a spiritual, hippie, gypsy girl who just spreads joy…who knows? But I’ve been angry, I can still be angry…but I CHOOSE…not to STAY… that way. I NEVER have.
 I’ll continue to choose joy.
Just an adjustment, in my year of jubalie.
So, here we are…

Shalom,
Gesuschic~