A lot of people get tied down to whatever society assumes the “norm” is, but actually I dive straight into in-difference like it’s the gold medal to be won.
I’ve always been different yet I’ve never looked at that as a weakness rather than a strength. The under dog in life is who I’ve always rooted for because I relate more to that than anything. I’d love to sit here and write that I feel like a Paul or a Moses…Joshua. But I’m not.
I’m the Rahab hiding the spies of Christ. Even if it means her life.
I’m the sinful woman. The woman with no name…as she was so overwhelmed by the presence of Jesus she washed His feet with her tears.
The whore at the feet of Jesus. Yeah, that’s me.
I associate myself to leah a lot. She was “second.” Her whole life. In everyone’s eyes including her own. The very meaning of her name “tired” or “cow” the scripture calling it “tender.” but I’ve often thought it meant she had no sparkle in her eye. Being fully aware at the fact everyone looked at her as second best. Probably a big girl like myself and not pleasing to look at. But I’ve never looked at her like that. Not at all.
As I’ve written in another blog, God always knew.
Leah may have been second to everyone else.
Her father, her sister, her people….even her own husband.
But not God…
He blessed her womb and in the names of her children you can begin to see the light coming back into her eyes, her life, her hope and faith.
Her dignity rested upon what God the Father had done for her and NOT the lack of love her husband or anyone else had for her.
Leah…
Her first three sons names proves how sad she was. She was so sad and usually what comes with that is loneliness…but from the fourth we see she found her praise. Her strength was found in her worship to the Lord. I can only imagine the transition of who she was becoming in Christ, through the birth of her babies.
Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun and a daughter, Dinah.
She was also the only wife that was buried with Jacob.
And her children?
Levi was the father of the priestly tribe of Israel. The descendants in that tribe include; Moses, Aaron, Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist), Barnabas and Peter. We also have her son Judah. Whose descendants include, King David and Jesus…The Son Of God.
Leah…the less favored.
The sad sister.
The second best, whose husband didn’t truly love her.
She cried, wept and I bet took long walks alone to have quiet, heart breaking conversations with God about why nobody loved her…and that she was so lonely.
I’ve always rooted for the under dogs of life. Because I am one.
I take walks with God quite a bit myself and if nobody ever will truly SEE me well, I know God hears me. If the cup I’ve been given is just enough for me then so be it.
I’ll drink it. And I’ll walk this road holding my head high smiling and talking to every freaking stranger I see because God IS enough. He IS enough.
The bible says that Rachel was more favored but it never says that Leah WASN’T.
I may be an underdog who is the last picked (if at all) but I DO carry favor and I walk in it daily.
I like being different.
I like being an underdog.
Most gypsies are anyway….and that’s me. You dig?
Selah….
Cheryl
Have you ever sat in a cluster of clouds and quiet and asked yourself, “how in THE hell did I ever end up here?”
In your life I mean. I joke all the time about being stuck in a rendition of my “Groundhog Day” movie with Bill Murray, haha Only it’s my entire life and not just a two-hour movie.
Every day, hour and minute I ask myself that fucking question. I’m starting to believe there is no answer for it though. The luck of the draw perhaps? The cup you were given for life?
Who knows?
But I’m exhausted thinking it’s because I royally fucked up somewhere and I need to fix it. I’ve been fixing things my entire life. Duck taping my hot mess of a life back together whenever it began to unwind.
My rape.
The death of my family.
My empty marriage.
My money issues.
My faith…sigh
Everything, for a very, very long time and damn, I’m tired. Not of life. Life is just fine. I’m pressing through every crazy chaotic pile of shit she has to throw at me, along with her lemons haha But we have an understanding now.
Neither of us quit…so here we are.
No. What I’m tired of is explaining to people. Not that I have, because…you all reading already know…haha But there is something so bizarre about struggle and being open about it. I mean for YEARS all I heard was “Cheryl, ask. Nobody knows if you don’t say….” blah, blah, blah, blah…BARF. It took a long time for me to be open after my marriage withered into dust and the church folk that were FAMILY to my ex husband, myself, our children, my parents….just…vanished. Some even sending letters as to why they COULDN’T be our friends no longer. I’m tired of people making me believe that it IS my problem I’m here. This cluster fuck of extreme madness inside my head. I know, “a pity blog Cheryl…really?” No assholes. No pity blog, relax. I never feel sorry for myself. well, sometimes haha But that isn’t what I’m doing here. There is no girl movie on the television and I haven’t just finished a pint of chocolate ice cream. This s my NEW YEAR NEW ME BLOG haha Only not a new me. I like me just fine. However a bit of an adjustment to my soul.
I’m letting myself go…
Nope, not gaining any of my weight back.
Nope, still love Jesus to haha (I know you all think I’m a doomed sinner 😉
I’m releasing myself from guilt of every single choice I’ve ever made since my life just started…SPINNING.
“You are where you are today because of the choices you made yesterday.”
I call MAJOR bullshit on that.
That’s not even a fair statement to make to anyone. Not when we have free will running around here like an out of control toddler.
I was from that Calvary Chapel era of “where God guides, God provides” and He has always provided for me man. God has been my ONLY consistency since my ex husband left. I STILL don’t know what I’m supposed to do or if I’m to even do anything at all. I have no fucking idea but what I DO know…Every step I’ve taken in this chapter of my life has been spiritually lead. There have been times I’ve only spoken to God, He knows me.
God has blessed me beyond measure in my short little 46 years on earth. All four of my children are kick ass human beings. My grandson is the absolute joy to my soul, he breathes life into me man…All of my kids do. They’re all I have and the ONLY things I have EVER did right and didn’t fuck up. They may have a different opinion haha But my kids all should be so proud of themselves for who they are. My beautiful babies…
My weight loss. Geesh, I was a COW x’s ten! I’ve lost over ONE HUNDRED and TWENTY POUNDS because my CAR BROKE DOWN. Seriously, broke as a joke and barely making a living so when the car went so did my feet, haha
Water, music, thinking…mentally purging all that I was going through at the time and my weight just poured off and is STILL going down. I have no complaints man. God really is good.
However, that next level.
I can’t seem to ever grasp it. I have asked myself a thousand lifetimes a day why but damn man…I have discovered, purged, cried, transitioned, and started over more in this past seven years than ever in my life. Not just with myself, but people as well.
But yet here we are God….
I’m trying real hard to get ahold of an understanding with why.
A house?
A car in THIS millennium?
A dog…a turtle named Haze, good job, financial security, possibly someone who would like to laugh and be stupid as much as me? A yearly get away to Disney (or at least once before I DIE!!!!!)
That next level.
It’s just not there for me. I’ve come to realize there is a very fine line between resolution and revelation and trust me when I say 2018 was the year I stood on it and walked it like a tightrope.
I get it. I just wanna know why. Like a child, haha
Why do some people get that beautiful laid out life and I’m just here?
Some don’t even want that life yet it’s given to them freely and they squander and waste it like it’s nothing.
I LOVE my life in general. My children…again, blessed BEYOND measure with all of these amazing things yet I live a life of Job and I am utterly confused because even he had his year of jubilee, right?
Well God, 2019…Seven years since he bounced and my laid out future was gone. I only got to have a glimps?
My parents…two of my children don’t even remember them.
A glimps. And it was gone.
But this year is it. My new year resolution isn’t. It’s my year of revelation. And 2019 is MY YEAR OF JUBALIE.
No matter what.
I will go on into life with this nutty laugh and these crooked ass teeth and I face every trial head on because I wasn’t raised any other way. But man…I long…loooong for that life. Everybody seems to of had their time and I am just waiting like a patient puppy for my turn, while excited for everyone else in line but mine never comes. Maybe it’s just not supposed to? Maybe MY jubalie is letting go of what I assumed we all get eventually and just continue to
adapt to any situation I’m put in. I’m a mutha fuckin’ survivor bro, haha But maybe I am apart of that Proverbs 19:17 and Deauteronomy 15:7-11…
Revelation can be a scary thing man.
“a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way.”
Revelation….
“Bagging that next level with God” isn’t so important with me anymore. The burden of being made to feel I HAD to is absolutely ah~fucking~mazing! Haha
Job must have been very lonely.
But I don’t think God has forgotten about me anymore.
Perhaps I’m an example? (my dad wouldn’t believe that one, haha) Or maybe I’m just a spiritual, hippie, gypsy girl who just spreads joy…who knows? But I’ve been angry, I can still be angry…but I CHOOSE…not to STAY… that way. I NEVER have.
I’ll continue to choose joy.
Just an adjustment, in my year of jubalie.
So, here we are…
Shalom,
Gesuschic~
Gesuschic 