Gesuschic

I’ve always been that girl in awe by the colors and brightness of the rainbow when the rest of the world were focused on finding the pot of gold at the end of it.
A lot like my momma in that aspect.
I struggle sometimes on the mistake God made in keeping me here and taking the rest of my family home.
Do I have a purpose? Absolutely man. However, I’m not so sure this world can take a me. Perhaps my time has passed or something. I feel more and more like a wondering gypsy everyday.
My gifts are so evident. Always on the bright side of life, always! My glass although cracked, is always half full and the silver lining may be dim but I LOOK until I find it. I consider myself to be open to everything yet attached to nothing. Only because people tend to leave. Weather by choice or in death…they leave. I at one time thought it was me. But not so much anymore. I’m flawed in a way people can’t seem to tolerate.
I smile.
I laugh.
My positive energy seems to always be my downfall. The people I attract can’t seem to take the fact I make it a point to “spread kindness like it’s money.”
The world has gotten so jaded.
How sad.
But where does that leave me?
I’m too tired and worn down to fight for people to accept and love me anymore. That is one thing that has changed with me. No longer will I fight. I spent 18yrs trying to prove to someone they had my loyalty only to realize it was never mine that was the problem. I will NEVER be ANYONE’s fool ever again.
I’ve also found that if someone is already so damaged by what has been done to them by other jaded people, they won’t ever believe you anyway.
Wasted energy.
Don’t do that to yourself. Be selfish. A new road I’ve decided to venture on. I need to take more risks and branch out. The key to loneliness with someone like me is meeting even MORE people. Not closing yourself off from them all together.
Whenever I walk I think about it.
As Jesus walked from City to City, the disciples….Whenever they came to a City not ready or willing to hear or accept what they had to offer they shook that dust and kept it fucking moving. So….I’m keeping it moving. I’m a very passionate person when it comes to things I give a fuck about. Apparently a lot of stupid mother fuckers get being mad and being passionate confused. But am I going to keep wasting energy explaining that?
Once upon a time I did. But those days are over. Even in my explanations, my reasoning for them was because I needed to prove to people they were worth the fight. Again, trying to convince unconvincing people of a truth they believe doesn’t exist, is WASTING ENERGY.
If you’re on a plane headed for a crash landing you can have all the parachutes you need, but if someone is so afraid to let go of the seat and put it on and jump…it will do nothing. And while you’re standing there trying to convince someone as passionate as you can be, time and energy is being wasted. You stand there any longer you’ll crash right along with them, their fear and the plane.  It sounds God awful but damn…for your own mental well being just keep it moving. The days are dark. The future isn’t much brighter. The world is going to hell in a hand basket and people are choosing to wither right along with it. The pot of gold has been found and nothing is left for them but misery.
There’s a remnant few though man, still chasing those bright ass colors and choosing to spread that kindness.
I know I still am.