Glass half full. Lover of laughter. A bit unstable. These are just a few of the things I use to describe myself on my many sites of social media. The thing a lot of people don’t know is, my mom would you use these terminologies in describing herself. I do that on purpose. I look just like my dad. However, it has been said I am my mother…through in through.
Attitude.
Outspoken, loving, full of laughter, open, honest, giving the benefit of the doubt. Those were all qualities my mom had that I now have. I love being compared to her. I miss her. It’s the first week of August already, September is right at the door and pretty soon Fall will be here.
Sigh…. There is no amount of prayer or hope that will ever prepare me for the dreaded change of season. I know that may strike a nerve in some of you, but I can only write how I feel. To say God can change that is questionable to me. All through the book of Psalms and Proverbs (what I read for comfort), you see the authors going through depression, struggle, rejoicing, forgiveness for himself and his enemies, so many emotions from one to the other. It’s so easy for me to identify with those two books from the Bible. But it wasn’t just David who wrote the psalms. The Psalms had more contributing authors than any other.
All different, all with purpose. Men of valor they were. Yet writing things such as:
“Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: Mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.” (Psalms 31:9&10)
These amazing, great men of God struggled with grief, loneliness, fear…just as I do.
David walked broken from the things done to him by those he trusted and even his own sins. How humbling is it to know a man said to be after Gods own heart had such issue? Am I so self absorbed in the 21st century to think I am above whom I serve? David couldn’t even say that folks.
My grief is the thorn in my side and I am a complete mess in silence right now.
This time of year totally sucks ass for me. It always will. Until I hop that ship to zion, high five my brother, kiss my sister, hug my dad and kiss all over my mom’s face, it will be right along side of every step I walk on this planet….But guess what? Just as He was to David, Solomon, Moses, and all the others that have walked before me including my very own kick ass mother…He is STILL God.
My friend Calvin has said…”The sun sets and rises every single day man.” And it truly does. No matter what you’re carrying with you today, out in the open or in secret, He is STILL God. Regardless if you’re in the bathroom at work crying your eyes out or somewhere celebrating with total euphoria, He is STILL God. If anything in the world brings me complete peace in the middle of overwhelming panic attacks because of grief, it is that known spiritual fact. As crazy and out of control I may appear to those who think they know 😉 (can I say that?), I find comfort knowing He’s here. Just as He was for the very men who forwarded His words to the rest of us, while they themselves were overwhelmed and struggling with things. Just as He was with my mom when she had to bury her children while she still had breath in her body…Just as He was with my dad when he was thrown into a truck with the dead bodies of men he looked at as brothers for hours and hours before someone realized he was still alive, He is God.
I can’t explain it. But I take a moment, about a million a day actually, and I ponder on the thought that even though I may FEEL alone, I never am.
Walking is therapeutic for me. Sometimes I’ll even go out without music. Imagine that, haha The craziest of things will go through my head sometimes. Like whenever I’m walking to the store, I try to play this game with myself and see how far my eyes can actually see if I strain. I know, I know, I’m a bit of an odd bird. But on my way to the grocery store I can see the buildings down town. Then I drift off thinking about the children of Israel. The joy of relief that must of filled their entire soul in having their new life in eyes view. How amazing that must of felt for them. THAT is right where I want to be. So incredibly focused on my journey that I’m completely un~bothered by all of the miles in between. Finally doing the RIGHT thing for myself. For my mind, my body, my spirit. That’s all that matters to me right now. Along with EVERYTHING that surrounds those things. Most people my age have all of that stuff totally figured out in their lives. As usual though, Cheryl pulling in the rear…haha But nobody can ever accuse me of not taking my time and being sure 😉 Seeing the bigger picture of life is a desire to learn trait. Sometimes the desire of wanting something and needing it is a very fine mother fuckin’ line. I can want a glass of water all day long, but if I’m tired, unmotivated and lazy I won’t move from my position until I absolutely need it.
I’ve been compared to Ruth a lot. Her perseverance in finding the favor of the Lord and consistency. But I’d like to think a little beyond that. Ruth wasn’t just finding favor because of her consistency in obedience. She was finding favor because of her focus in getting to her new life. She new THAT is who she was now. Even though she may not have been quite sure of her direction, she was damn sure going to get there.
I told Mark today I want to get to his and his kick ass wife, Lori’s level of being completely un~bothered. People get uncomfortable around Mark because he reminds them of something they are dealing with in themselves. I know this to be fact. Hell, I am one of those people on occasion, LMFAO But I know this to be true because since trying to obtain pieces of mental peace myself, I’ve noticed the uncomfortable skin around me to…itch sort of speak. I’ve let go of the fact THAT…is NOT my problem. I made it mine for years. But only in the past 5 have I come to peace with the terms MY comfort in my own self is a stronghold for some people. That breaks my heart, but I can no longer try to fix that in people or apologize for getting off my fat ass and applying CHANGES to my own life and begin to make me a better person for MY OWN mental well being. Why should I have ever been made to feel bad for my glass half full disposition?
As much as that hurts me, I understand and totally get it. I get that that “bothers” some people. I have not always been positive. I LEARNED to be. I CHANGED that. I didn’t like who I was before. As much as I get that annoys some people, I’m now “bothered” by the fact I’m an excuse for their not being able to focus on a bigger picture for themselves. (WHOA! Can I saaay THAT? Geesh…another blog my friends, another blog!) Which brings me to the level I DESIRE to reach.
Un~Bothered.
Mark and his kick~ass wife Lori, have no resentment towards anyone. Honestly, not anyone. Neither of them are the type of people to talk shit. I admire that. I respect it. I talk shit. Yes I do. I will vent, be pissed off, annoyed…bothered.
The GOAL of reaching un~bothered involves consistency in MY vision. Even when I’m tired. You can be all these crazy emotions in life. Mad, happy, somber, numb, silly, sleepy…and STILL be focused.
THAT was my girl Ruth. She paid no mind to those around her. To the King’s men who were probably eye ballin’ her, others noticing her favor, to no doubt “mean muggin’ talkin’ shit, haha…she was focused, and un~bothered on every single one of them and only thinking, breathing and moving towards that new life. Doing her thing out there everyday and minding her business and keeping to herself.
In some chapters of life we have to be selfish. It sounds easy but my passion and love I have for people make that very hard for me. But certain things need to come together in order to start working. My weight loss needed to inline with my journey for inner peace. That focus of finding my new life is in sight and I have to be around nothing but motivation. Falling back, keeping to myself, staying focused because I DESIRE a NEED to be right within my own body, mind and spirit. For my own sake and the legacy I’ll leave behind. For my children…my grand children 😉 As my weight falls off and my mind learns new ways of finding peace I’m falling more and more in love with life. As terrified as I am of it. Every day closer to a new life out there waiting for me. I’m focused on my purpose. My disposition is as stands, forward on into spiritual growth and everything with it man.
Growth doesn’t always feel good either. But if you knew by doing the right thing… your consequence may be undesired, would you still do the right thing?
Gesuschic 