Gesuschic

My weight has been an issue for YEARS as I stated in my last blog. I’m finally on that edge of where I’ve been trying to get too, but something (a lot of things actually) is different.
It’s not so much about that number on the scale or the jean size I’m wearing. The smaller numbers are wonderful of course, I never get tired of seeing them.
But again, as Mark (Kenney) tells me over and over, I need to learn to accept compliments. My strongholds try to linger around, and being that I’m just a mere human, some days are easier than others.
Usually, my sparkling personality has no problem telling something or someone to “fuck off” however, it’s not always that easy.
Reviewing what you know is essential. We tend to forget what we choose to never review. (Read that again;) )
Have you ever seen a funny movie and years later watch it again and fall over dying with laughter because of a funny part you “forgot all about?” Life lessons are the same way. My weight loss journey has been up, down, up, round…HAHA This time it’s completely different. Mark told me a million times before you can’t lose weight without healing and cleansing your mind. It’s true. people lose tons of weight and they can’t deal with the physical change in their body because of the mental state of their brain. How we see ourselves, others…
I’m at the point in my weight loss you can SEE the difference. I have heard in the past 6 weeks more than a dozen people say to me “Oh my God Cheryl, you’re so little…you’re little!!!” “Look how little you are!” “Cheryl!? You’re so little!” “C..h..e..r..y..l….you are soooo little…oh my goodness.”
At one time I’d roll my eyes at all of those compliments. I didn’t believe them. But now…?
I smile.
WIDE.
Big stoner ass grin on my face, haha
I laugh, out loud and soak in the word “little” in comparison to…me.
I KNOW it’s true. I am getting smaller. I view life COMPLETELY different this time. I feel more…free.
I KNOW I’m beautiful.
I KNOW I’m attractive.
I got this.
I still have insecurities. But listen, you can’t lose weight and have the same mindset you started with as a fat person. You can be a size fuckin’ zero and still have a fat ass mindset and fuck yourself up. Let me be clear, Mark NEVER used those exact words, (he’s NOT cruel people!) but basically that’s what it is.
Whenever you start a journey, no matter what it is in life. Live your moments.
LIVE YOUR MOMENTS.
Be in them. Become  thoroughly soaked in them. Review them. Always remember from one moment to the next…It’s important.
I walked a 3 mile hike with Mark and his kick ass wife.
The whole hike I believe was six miles. I was incredibly disappointed in myself for not being able to do the whole thing. But when Mark posted our pictures on Facebook it hit me in the face like one of his Markism’s (haha). There were two pictures, moments apart. In one I looked like death. You’d have to be an absolute moron to not know at that very moment I wanted to lay down on the ground and wait for Jesus and His second coming. The other picture though…my face. I’m crying typing my blog about it right now, on God. When I looked at that picture I remembered EXACTLY how I felt in THAT very moment.
I was at peace.
Exhausted, feeling like death, a bit disappointed but all in all I was proud at how far I had come. My God a year ago I would NEVER had made it passed those damn stairs…all 50 thousand of them (not really but…haha) Two years ago I was content in my misery fearing what it could possibly be like to face it. Yet that Saturday I was there. I made it half way. HALF WAY. Every moment you live through will take you into the next. One moment I felt like death, annoyed with myself.. the very next moment I KNEW I’d come back to that hike and finish. No worries or disappointment. Only confidence, in myself.
Soak it in.
Purge those insecurities, those strongholds. Purify your heart, your mind.
SEE YOURSELF. Once you begin to do that everything, EVERYTHING will change for you. The people you choose to befriend, the company you keep, the books you read, your job performance, your relationships (even the one you have with the Lord) it will change for you. You’ll start falling in love with you and it will be wonderful.
Fear is a nasty little bitch.
As I look back at just a few short years ago, who I was. Never thinking I could do a hike is more frightening to me than not knowing if I ever could or not, ya dig?
The next time I blog about this hike I will be telling you all I did the whole thing. NO MORE BEING AFRAID on this very private, long, tearful and joyous journey. I will never go back to before. It’s as if I’m losing weight for the first time. I’m being introduced to a newer Cheryl every day and I’m crazy about her. I like who I’m becoming. Take pictures, have a friend take one at pivotal points in your journey and review them. Ponder on that moment. What was going through your mind.  How you felt. Don’t compare it to shit! Just remember that moment. These are my two pictures. Mark took them. What was going through my mind in each of them is a world of difference, moments apart. MOMENTS apart. No matter your journey, just keep going. Who cares where you are in life, as long as you grab onto hope and MOVE….Just keep moving gangsta, you got this. Look at me in these pictures.
What if I had laid on that ground? I would never have found my peace in that very…next… moment. One moment defeat was lingering, but the very next……
Selah