Gesuschic

“She was as the wind blowing through the trees on a warm Summer day, even in the cold Winter morning’s.”
The caption under my mom’s picture for this years Mother’s Day post.
I do miss her…so bad. The worst is when I can’t sleep. Because my dreams are spotty. I can’t get a hold of the memory from the details like I usually can.
Almost always I wake up calling out for my mother, literally.
And then I remember she’s dead.
It’s as if I lose her all over again.
A couple of weeks ago I found an off brand of my mom’s favorite perfume, but it’s not the same. However, that didn’t stop me from grabbing it before heading to the bathroom at 4am this morning. Spraying it, trying to get some sort of comfort by her scent.
It wasn’t the same. I sat on the side of the tub until 6:30am just weeping my eyes out. Running the shower so my kids wouldn’t hear me cry.
I miss her so bad.
Wanda May as a lot of people know, never accepted bullshit as a form of communication.
Real.
Raw.
Rare.
Different.
All of those were totally acceptable.
Sound familiar?
A bad ass in her own right because she went above and beyond love and loyalty for any under-dog within a “cry for help” radius of her compassionate mercy and effortless understanding. Even if it was a point of view that didn’t inline with her beliefs or her own way of thinking. She was so open to people and the differences we all had. She fucking loved everybody.
This loud, bad ass, loving, woman not only gave birth to me she raised me.
Excommunicated from Church, abandoned, forgotten, homelessness, rape, loss and replaced…Her luck, life and strongholds were more than most could endure I’m sure.
I, as a little girl watched my mom persevere, rising regardless like a phoenix, holding onto her faith for dear life as though it was a shield.
Sound familiar?
The older I get the more I come to realize I am walking a road that I’ve been carried on before. Each step accompanied with tears, anger, helplessness, confusion, loneliness…yet every single step covered by strong faith, boundless love, and laughter, always laughter.
Laughing was my mom’s favorite thing in the world.
My example in humility.
My example in evolving as a better human being.
My example in moving on in spite of failure, fuck ups and regret.
Wanda May consistently remained solid in who she was as Wanda.
Loving, honest, God fearing, full of abundant laughter.
With so much suffered loss, she also carried grief.
My mom buried all of her loved ones at a very young age, including a marriage.
Sound familiar?
Through it all her spirit was never broken though.
Her faith and relationship in Christ carried her as she in turn carried my brothers and I.
She was such a beautiful human being.
The hand that life dealt to my mother was a very cruel one. I won’t comment on that here because this blog is about the legacy of Wanda May, not her death.
I’m her legacy.
Every example she placed before me with her actions is who I strive to be every single day. Finding beauty in life.
Loving people with no boundaries.
Laughing at anything, choosing joy when nothing but tears are streaming down your face, you can’t hear God for days and the future is terrifying and unsure.
THAT…WAS…MY…MOM.
I can only hope that her legacy will continue with my children. That somehow through me,  I did not fuck this flow up and Charlie will also learn to rise above ALL the bullshit of life and hold on to those things that my mother truly knew were important.
And he will remain Charlie, continuing that same gangsta legacy of loving in spite of differences,
forgiving easy,
letting go and moving on without bitterness.
I can’t even believe it.
Tom and Wanda’s first Grand-baby.
I hope I was able to carry mine as my mom did, and soon, Charlie to Leigh and Bean…
It was never the end when my mom passed away.
It was only a to be continued.
I see glimpses of her all the time in the faces of each and every one of my kids. Her sass, her strength, her laughter, her savagery 🙂 I see traces of her in all of them. Ren, Charlie, Bella and Ez. They all have pieces of her in one way or another that shines through them and sometimes I won’t even point it out. I’ll keep it to myself, along with a sigh of relief.
She’s still here.
Happy Mother’s Day Wanda May…We’ve shared so much of the same life mom.
The same path. I know that would have broken your heart, but I survived and I so hope I’ve done you justice by carrying your legacy right into the next generation of “Carson blood” 😉
You are remembered and not forgotten, loved effortlessly STILL even now, and never EVER will you be replaced.
Forever my muse….I absolutely adored your face.

WANDA MAY CARSON INGRAM
June 10th 1938 ~ May 22nd 2007
“Laughing with Jesus.”

Selah…~
Tommie-Girl