Gesuschic

It seems as though my divorce was lifetimes ago. The man I thought to have been of my dreams nearly 19 years earlier, is beginning to be a faded memory, if not for my Hanja and Ezra, I would have assumed that life had been an illusion. It’s odd. I barely remember  loving him.  Yet I could sit right here as I type and remember exactly how my mom’s arms would feel when hugging me goodnight.
The emptiness I felt when losing both of them was a world of difference.
That’s so fucking bizarre to me. I understand how one emotion can have a million rhymes to it’s reason, but I find it bizarre how at one time I couldn’t imagine my life without Angel.
I loved him.
I loved taking care of him. Building a life, creating a family, sigh….
He was truly my best friend. And I absolutely adored our beautiful life.
Angel was the goofiest cat I had ever met in my entire life. That’s how I fell in love with him. He won my heart by making me laugh out loud, literally. Our beautiful Bella has that quality. She is so silly and goofy. Just for no other reason than to laugh out loud at life. It reminds me of a guy I once knew…shadows of this illusion.
The weird thing is though, I don’t miss him anymore.
Can I say that?
Wow…what a difference a year makes.
I remember speaking at Church and saying that it had felt like I was living the same day over and over for the past three years. And now look. This past year feels like one day. Even though so much has happened. Met new people, made new friends, cut ties with some old ones, found our place, began to rebuild again as a family. Yet it was just like yesterday we were moving in.
Again, wow…what a difference a year makes…
However, I can’t help that oddness creeping around my head.  How damned bizarre none of us even mention him anymore.
Our lives as a family, has completely moved on.
How many stages do you go through after divorce? How many emotional break downs can you silently have before going all the way insane?
All that being said I think I made it. I swear on life.
I’ve been incredibly moody the past few months. Crying, getting angry, feeling sorry for myself, going from wanting to punch the entire world in the throat one minute, to the very next,  falling in love with everyone I meet.  It’s been so bad I honestly thought I was starting menopause!  But it smacked me like a brick in the face today.
Yesterday I had to drive up north, all around the area Angel and I once shared a life. Last night I cried for the first time in a very long time about everything. The marriage, the birth of our children, the visions we shared, the prayers we said while locking our hands together, crying before the Lord over our kids, our life, the death of my entire family, damn….damn.
I was late getting a friend from work. Stuck at the stop light, I broke down emotionally.   I can’t even tell you what triggered it man. I looked up and had this overwhelming sadness mixed with nostalgia and grief. All the memories from yesterday just came over me like rainy rushing wind. It took my breath away dude. And as quick as it came, it went, and I realized it’s completely over. I’m not hurt anymore. I’m not angry. I’m not anything.
That chapter of my life is over…it’s over.
I even had a visual sitting there at that stop light.
I was on the back of a train. I wasn’t waiving, I wasn’t crying or showing any form of emotion. I had my hair down, standing straight with my hands rested downward on the rail, watching. Angel was at the station. He was alone, nobody around, as was I. His hands were in his pockets as he stood watching. Not waiving, not crying, no emotion. We just watched until we couldn’t see each other anymore.
Right then I just broke. For the first time in, I can’t even remember when, I feel free. I can truly say I felt a spiritual release of a deeply rooted stronghold.
Sigh…
I loved loving him, once upon a time ago…Seleh Angel.