I’ve been to more places in my head than anywhere else in the physical world. Does that make any sense?
I guess you could say I have always been that kid in the back of the classroom staring out the window.
In my head I was always somewhere else.
It’s just where I wanted to be, somewhere else.
This insane crossroads is such a scary place to be. The best way to describe it is walking around a huge mountain that has a very narrow walking path with no safety rail.
With every step I take I breathe in heavier than before. Every decision I make is the wrong one it seems, haha A familiar reoccurring issue I seem to battle over and over. I’ve decided my new and questionable way of attempting to change that curse, is to simply acknowledge a possible different choice, then just sticking with my original decision. I’ll have to let you all know how that will work out;)
I have no clue what I’m doing. I’m forty-three years old, I have nearly two grown ass children and two teenagers who will be voting within the next four years.
I’m pretty sure I was supposed to have my shit together by now…Yet here I am, starting over…again. {deep breath}
At this point, I’m thankful that all four of my children are headed towards being pretty functional adults ready to take on the world by its spineless balls. What more can I ask for, as a dysfunctional, chaotic emotional wreck as a single parent?
I should lay in bed at night pondering a budget, planing a family vacation, looking forward to a night out with friends come the weekend.
However, I lay there.
Questioning why I never got a passport, planning what movies I’m going to rent next. Looking forward to payday and treating myself to Chipotle and my family to Papa John’s delivery.
Exciting?
I tend to think so.
I never realized how different I was from other people my age until I lost everything, including a lonely marriage, and started all over. I started looking at things, I at one time, thought was important and it dawned on me, it wasn’t so important.
Vacations are nice. But I’d rather spend the money on my kids and being with them instead of just around them.
I bought a 50′ smart television. Nicest mother fuckin’ thing I’ve ever owned in my entire life. Ever since that huge beast entered our home we sit as a family almost every night and watch movies, play games, laugh, crush on Jimmy Fallon…Sounds crazy, but that to me is life.
To me? Those moments are a vacation. Just laughing, getting along, being silly.
My two sons who are as different from one another as DAY and NIGHT. They sit and play that Play Station Four like they were best friends.
Priceless.
I blog about every little thing I go through. I live my world right where everyone can see it. Occasionally, I’ll apologize but don’t ever expect it, haha I’m probably the only divorced, single, somewhat conservative mom listening to Wiz Khalifa and Anthrax on a daily basis. I get my feelings hurt like a typical girl and I am a Christian, yet I struggle not wanting to throat punch certain people every single day. I was definitely made from a different mold.
I’m starting to let my children branch out a little bit and make decisions that in my old life, I would override and make for them. But it’s a new dawn, a new day. I’m terrified. But I have to start trusting my own parenting.
It’s time. They’re getting older. We have a completely different life than they were promised. Than I was promised. I need to start doing things different for their sake, my sake, we’re learning to live all over again and just now getting comfortable enough to exhale. At this point, I’m winging it. I’m trying to trust me again and it’s a difficult journey. I pray, I cry, I put my big girl panties on and step up and out of the boat and walk…My focus now, is keeping everything, I fought so hard to get back;
Confidence
Dignity
Self Respect
Faith
Redemption
My goal now is to never look back. Never miss what use to be. Which is crazy for me to even say. It’s possible though.
Joan Rivers once said “I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t. You get better.”
I think I’m that person who will always be on a journey etched with struggle. Not because of some sort of spiritual punishment, lesson I haven’t quite yet learned, but because every generation, every lifetime needs a crazy Cheryl, haha I am unconventional. A bit out of the ordinary. I find unquestionable beauty in the simplest things. I just feel that the world through my perspective, is doable. I just want everyone I come in contact with, to see that you can find the good in everything, if you choose to not just look, but have an intention to look and actually find.
In people, situations, anything. I’m not trying to puff myself up or be someones Savior. I just want to be an example. That no matter what you’re going through, your glass of vodka can be half full. “Cheers!”  😉
These are the places I go to in my head all of the time. The “somewhere else” is merely  making a difference, regardless if you know you have or not. Does that make any sense?

I Can Only Hope,
Gesuschic