My breakdowns are starting to become fewer and fewer as of late. I’m not quite sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps that’ll be another day for a different blog. I never know, hahaha
A few weeks ago I broke down at church with an amazing word from, not only my Pastor but one of our worship Pastor’s. I received it, believed it. I still do. But something has gone terribly wrong.
I lost it.
I just…lost it.
I have this thing where I can gain the craziest of momentum in my out of the ordinary chaotic life, then all of a sudden, literally out of the blue, a huge boulder made of the strongest of concrete comes flying through life and bitch smacks me right in the face and I fall.
And fall, and fall, and fall….I’m still falling. There is no end. Just a big dark bottomless pit of nothing. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear I think I get ahead but in all actuality I’m just dangling forever and never truly getting anywhere.
I do everything right man. Or at least I think I do. I have this attitude like Dory from “Finding Nemo” that no matter what happens I “just keep swimming…” but damn, my arms are tired. My face is tired from smiling. I have been on this journey now for over two and a half years and honestly, this is the longest season of my life. I’m constantly struggling between what’s right and wrong, I struggle with those grey areas that nobody ever wants to talk about because they would rather pretend to themselves and everyone else, that they don’t exist.
Well, I’m not a pretender. I can’t do that. I have approximately three billion emotions and I show and tell every single one at any given moment. The blessings I get on a daily from God are just amazing. They blow me away all of the time. God and His glory are of no match to anything bad that has happened to me. I have no complaints.
Well, maybe a few.
I get pissy with God a lot. In spite of me throwing Him my broken pieces, He covers me.
He covers my babies.
God is so faithful.
But I want more. I deserve more.
Don’t I?
I think I’ve paid a few dues that weren’t even mine to pay. However, so has He.
I sound so selfish. But hey, it’s what it is and it’s how I feel. I’m sick and fucking tired of one thing after another happening to me and I take these giant leaps forward…only to get bungee corded back even further. This roller coaster of life and my emotions are taking a hard ass toll on me.
I have to lay it all out here in my words. Writing is my escape. So let me just keep it absolutely  one hundred and say, I’m about to break. My mind is starting to wonder and my momentum is fading quicker than people’s loyalty. (yeah I threw that out there too).
My faith is it. That’s all I have left. I don’t want to live the life of Job. I wanna go to work, pay my bills, laugh with my children and just be.
WHEN does THAT get to happen?
It sounds so bizarre but I see these people, these loser father’s, fair weathered friends, and they are just moving along in their day-to-day life and I’m just…here.
I know I have purpose.
I get that.
I have to be an example, a strong example but again, man, I’m getting worn out. People running their mouth’s, assumptions flying everywhere and only a select few stand true and know me better than rumors. The past few weeks I’ve seen things I could have gone my ENTIRE life without seeing. But I didn’t break. I kept on. I’ve had temptation of every single nasty thing laid at my feet and I passed on all of them, well, almost all of them. (yet another blog for another day). I’m still here. Crying in my shower to God at least every other day. It may be by a string but I’m still holding on to the things that ground me. I praise God He blessed me with parents that kept my roots deep in faith. I don’t know how people do it without Him.
Because of that I’ll take a deep breath, turn on some music, light an incense and be to myself. The only thing I hold tight is never forgetting where I came from…in faith. I can’t shake this feeling though, the past 17 years being an illusion. The only good from it was my babies. My beautiful, selfless babies. Damn, my kids are so good. Understanding to the point it hurts my heart not to be able to give them so much more.
Will I ever get my shit together?
Maybe I’m not supposed too?
These two questions linger in my head day to day.
I thought I had that happily ever after…but it was an illusion. I’m a constant “to be continued” in the sitcom known as my life.
Is that my destiny?
This shameful rut I’ve gotten myself into is overwhelming. Being the player left in the dugout not even reaching the bench, let alone the field. I feel all by myself at times even though I know I’m not. But people have lives to live and I’ve more than over extended my “cry baby friend time…” But I’m not done boo hooing yet dammit. I have such a way to go in my journey. I can take that as a glass half empty in the fact I have time to still get it together, or I can look at that as a glass that should have been emptied, refilled, shaken and stirred a few times over…The good, the bad and the honest. That’s me.
Not one of my best inspirational blogs but when I started writing way back in middle school I promised myself I would always say exactly how I felt and never hide anything.
My heart is still on my sleeve.
Life, as cruel as it is, hasn’t stolen my ability to keep it real.
I can’t say I’m angry, sad…I’m confused. I’m so freakin’ confused. Why am I here in this rut man? I’m doing good…I thought. What is left of me that needs emptied for God to give me my life changing miracle???? I’ve purged everything. EVERYTHING…I have nothing left in me.
Or is that the actual point?

To Be Continued,
Cheryl