I can’t take everything that has happened to me from when my heart was broken, and make that the foundation for my life in the here and now. It would be pointless. Just like the man who chose to build his house on the sand. It’s shaky ground to begin with. Therefore destined to fall apart and wither away even before the rain begins.
It’s funny really, how quickly life moves but yet, there are days that feel as though it took lifetimes to get through. As long as I live I will never understand how the circle of life has no filter in how fast or slow it moves, only that it does.
A man can drive himself bat shit crazy wondering where he’ll be from one year to the next. But there comes a point where you have to root yourself and begin again. Stop looking at your life as though you’re keeping score because your only battle will eventually be with your own army of self. I’ve let it be known that this year my kids and I will be settled with our own place. A definite fact, that is going to happen. However, to say this will be the year I find love again, peace in my soul and anything else my worn out spirit truly needs, would be like starting a timer attached to a ticking time clock and racing towards a reality that just might not even be breathed into any existence yet. Not that I’m never open to any of those possibilities.
I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be at 42 years old… between you, me and this blog, that REALLY bothered me. It was starting to tear me down and began to change my whole entire perspective.  Life has its way man….sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes, well, it’s shitty and cruel.
In 2012 my marriage crumbled without any warning. A man I vowed to, in front of family, friends and God almighty to love and honor until death did us part took the very core of my entire being and with one statement crushed every ounce of validity I had in my own self built confidence; “I want a divorce.”
Life can be cruel man.
But with every step forward (even the steps back, lol) you have to relax and take a deep breath and move on.
In the Spring of 2014 I held my son Charlie in a Speedway parking lot at Midnight as he broke down in my arms and sobbed after I told him Rich Fout died. I was Charlie’s age when I first met Rich. I could never ever imagine losing him then. But one thing is for certain, whether you live or simply choose to exist, regardless, life…will continue on. Your pain from life bashing you in the balls cannot be the foundation for you to begin again. That pain itself can stir an emotion up inside of you that nobody will understand and awaken a resilience inside of you but the pain…it’ll eventually subside. But what came from it, will stay. Your will doesn’t have to break. You can be refined by fire, renewed, refreshed and made ready for the next chapter. It’s almost as euphoric as diving into a pool of fresh water on a hot summer day and bursting up to take a breath. Nothing at that moment feels so refreshing to your body. I wish I could say that the close of last year brought answers to the big questions on life, but it didn’t. However it did teach one major thing. That my happiness is refined over and over and it’s my choice whether or not I engage in the laughter or the tears.
Well…I ain’t no punk~ass bitch. And I absolutely LOVE…to laugh.

Stay Vulnerable,
CHERyL