Gesuschic

My Dearest Charlie,
I am absolutely astonished by the fact you are 17 years old today. My first-born son.
Charlie~Butt, there are so many things I want to say to you. And we could combine both of our lifetimes and I would still, never have enough time to say any of them. Out of all my children, you are the one who is most like me. No…I take that back. You are JUST like me. It’s funny when I hear Steven’s mom and Grandma talk about how quiet you are, lol Because the first three years of your life you NEVER spoke. The doctors were “concerned” I was worried…Everyone except for my dad, your Grandpa. He would smile and say: “Tommie-Girl, don’t worry. Charlie has plenty to say, he just chooses not too.”
And that is still you to this day.
You’re an observer.
A watcher.
You notice everything and keep a mental note on it.
My sweet baby boy…Your heart is so big it could pound right out of your chest. You get so angry because you have an overload of passion that is rare. A passion for loyalty, family, friendships…you hold those things dear that’s why you get so upset when people bounce. You take people at their word and when they fail you can’t understand because you aren’t like that.
You have an old school genuineness that can’t be created, it can’t be taught.
It’s so rare, those who have it only obtain it by being born with it. Your grandma was that way, I’m that way, your Uncles Randy and Kenneth (whom you were named after) were that way.
You look for people who touch your soul and you don’t even realize it.
People who are lost, lonely, and broken…
You identify with that because in a way you’re all of those things and you know how empty it feels.
Your friends tell a story all about who you are Charlie.
I see pieces of you in each and every one of them.
Baby Mike, Selena, Steven, Mouse, Mira, Trevon, Caleb (from Worthington), Cameron, Grub, Brock, Ronnie…I could go on and on. I think that’s why I’m so in love with all of them, just like you are.
When you were little I had you go to “Jesus Camp” one weekend every summer. The first year you were there I picked you up, we stopped at McDonald’s and I asked you what all you learned that weekend. You looked at me, you said “Mommy, I learned how much I love you.” I laughed and said “really? How was that?” And you took a deep breath…swallowed…and your voice was shaking as you began to speak.
“Mommy, there was a night we all talked about things we needed prayer for. A boy in my group said he needed prayer because he missed his mom.
Mommy…she died.”
You bowed your head and your shoulders were shaking. My heart sunk. I grabbed your little hand and said “go on baby…” You looked up at me, tears streaming down your face and you said: “Mommy, he cried. And I thought about not ever having you in my life and mommy…it just really broke my heart I couldn’t help him. Mommy, it broke my heart.” (you placed your hand over your chest, looking me right in the eye)
Oh my sweet boy…You were 7 years old.
Not even wet behind the ears grown, yet a heart full of GENUINE compassion for a boy you didn’t even know. And Charlie, PLEASE BELIEVE ME when I say to this very day I KNOW that…is STILL who YOU are.
A rare glimpse of hope to a lost and lonely broken world.
Don’t allow the coldness of the world destroy that beautiful rare warm heart you have Charlie. Please baby…My l’il man, my special guy, the man of our house. I know so many things flood your head and at times you get so overwhelmed and probably feel like you’re going crazy. But you’re not Charlie. You see the world so differently than the average human being and trust me, that’s a gift from God baby.
Rich Fout used to look at you. I’d catch him and say “why you looking at my kid man…lol” Rich would do that half crooked smile and say “Cheryl…you gotta great boy there. He’s gonna be a world shaker one day.”
And Charlie you already are! Everywhere we go in this crazy gypsy life you have people drawn to you. Your spirit…your soul…from Pastors to drug dealers…LOL…Everyone genuinely loves you. Do you know how amazing that is? People from all walks of life whether they’re an adult, a kid, a teenager, elderly… They have a “Charlie story” and ANYONE can relate to you because you are you and nobody else. 
I am so fucking proud of you Charlie.
There is not one damn negative thing someone could ever say about you to me because I KNOW the real YOU. You love without limits. You hold truth as a must, and value ANY person you call friend, as family.
My heart is full of so much pride at the MAN you’ve become and the man you are yet to one day be. Charlie, when I found out I was pregnant for a second time, and still not married I thought “omg…I failed as a mother already.” I felt like such a stupid whore, lol On the real…lol But something changed in me when I felt you move for the first time in my belly. I would sing to you all of the time, talk to you…I had lost my way a bit, found myself lonely and broken. (sound familiar…) Then all of a sudden, you brought me back to life Charlie~Butt. You breathed new life into my dry bones and withered soul and when I had you that crazy chaotic morning seventeen years ago today…Holding you and looking at your tiny little face made me forget what it was like to feel empty. Before you took your very first breath you were already changing the world, my world.
You saved my life Charlie.
You reminded me to love hard and to laugh easy 😉
I don’t wanna say the typical “Happy Birthday” because as usual our family and tough times are tangled together, lol But I will say this my sweet beautiful boy…Have a happy life. Because when you started speaking at three years old, the first and only thing people noticed about you was your HUGE smile and easy laugh. So take that and apply it to the rest of your days. No matter who you’re with, where you are, just be happy. Keep loving the broken. Don’t ever try to be anybody else but you, and know this one thing…I could never be more proud and more in love with you. Oh, and thank you, for being that mirror of joy I needed to see in order to come alive again. Today in Heaven, the men you were named after, your grandpa and Rich Fout are standing proud. Pointing out to all who can see…”That’s Charlie, he’s a world changer.”

All My Love Forever,
Mom

Dear Serenity,
How can I ever make you believe that you are beautiful?
If I could take my eyes and by some miracle God make it to where you could see yourself from my view.
My sweet beautiful girl…
Today you are twenty-one years old and my only wish is that your Grandparents were here to see the amazing woman you have become. Your incredible ability to let things roll off your back and move on without a flinch. You definitely don’t get that from me. We are complete opposites you and I. We are so different yet you are without a doubt my very best friend. The person I run to when I’m sad, the person I want to celebrate with, laugh with, cry and vent too.
You’re my rock baby girl.
You always have been.
You were barely six years old when I had my first anxiety attack in a Wal-Mart, lol I couldn’t find my money and I started panicking. You grabbed my hand “Momma it’s okay…it’s okay…Just calm down…” Do you remember? In a lot of ways it wasn’t fair that I was more of the child and you were the parent and for that I will never be able to apologize enough. So many hidden truths friends and family will never know that you hide in your heart out of love, protection and loyalty to our relationship as mother and daughter, and friends.
I only ask that you believe me when I say not ANY of it goes unnoticed.
You were the strongest little girl.
Brave, bold, secure in your own self.
Even at 6 years old you were my example.
Those characteristics are still there my beautiful baby girl. You just need to look deeper within yourself because life can have that way about it, where you grow older and tend to lose who you used to be. Sometimes it can be a good thing or a bad thing.
You are still brave.
Still bold.
Still confident in who you are.
My hope for you today is that you remember that.
I wish I could have been a better role model to you but I failed, lol But in spite of who I was as a mother you grew into this amazing woman with a strength and ability to read people and situations and see it for what it truly is and call it out on its bullshit or praise it for its indifference.
People say I’m a good writer but if only you would show them the REAL writer of the family and blow their minds with your imagination for worlds nobody would ever dream of until you brought them into an existence.
My soft-spoken child with a wild side.
Don’t allow the world to tame you. There is no reason to let this world intimidate you into being who you were never meant to be. You have a voice. There are people who need to hear it. You have so much to say and as a strong, vibrant woman there is no doubt in my mind that one day you’ll find it again and be the greatness you were DESTINED to be.
My beautiful Serenity…My calm before the storm. You have stepped up and taken care of this family more than anyone will ever know except for the five of us;) Your brothers know it. Your sister recognizes it. I can’t imagine where we would be without you.
You are one of the absolute greatest loves of my life, Ren.
Please know that.
Believe it.
I know it’s your birthday today. But you have given more to me than you will ever realize. Every year on this day I remember what an absolute gift God chose to bless me with when I had you. And even to this very day you were my sunshine, and the most precious and beautiful baby girl I had ever seen.

I love you more…
Mom

 I can’t take everything that has happened to me from when my heart was broken, and make that the foundation for my life in the here and now. It would be pointless. Just like the man who chose to build his house on the sand. It’s shaky ground to begin with. Therefore destined to fall apart and wither away even before the rain begins.
It’s funny really, how quickly life moves but yet, there are days that feel as though it took lifetimes to get through. As long as I live I will never understand how the circle of life has no filter in how fast or slow it moves, only that it does.
A man can drive himself bat shit crazy wondering where he’ll be from one year to the next. But there comes a point where you have to root yourself and begin again. Stop looking at your life as though you’re keeping score because your only battle will eventually be with your own army of self. I’ve let it be known that this year my kids and I will be settled with our own place. A definite fact, that is going to happen. However, to say this will be the year I find love again, peace in my soul and anything else my worn out spirit truly needs, would be like starting a timer attached to a ticking time clock and racing towards a reality that just might not even be breathed into any existence yet. Not that I’m never open to any of those possibilities.
I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be at 42 years old… between you, me and this blog, that REALLY bothered me. It was starting to tear me down and began to change my whole entire perspective.  Life has its way man….sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes, well, it’s shitty and cruel.
In 2012 my marriage crumbled without any warning. A man I vowed to, in front of family, friends and God almighty to love and honor until death did us part took the very core of my entire being and with one statement crushed every ounce of validity I had in my own self built confidence; “I want a divorce.”
Life can be cruel man.
But with every step forward (even the steps back, lol) you have to relax and take a deep breath and move on.
In the Spring of 2014 I held my son Charlie in a Speedway parking lot at Midnight as he broke down in my arms and sobbed after I told him Rich Fout died. I was Charlie’s age when I first met Rich. I could never ever imagine losing him then. But one thing is for certain, whether you live or simply choose to exist, regardless, life…will continue on. Your pain from life bashing you in the balls cannot be the foundation for you to begin again. That pain itself can stir an emotion up inside of you that nobody will understand and awaken a resilience inside of you but the pain…it’ll eventually subside. But what came from it, will stay. Your will doesn’t have to break. You can be refined by fire, renewed, refreshed and made ready for the next chapter. It’s almost as euphoric as diving into a pool of fresh water on a hot summer day and bursting up to take a breath. Nothing at that moment feels so refreshing to your body. I wish I could say that the close of last year brought answers to the big questions on life, but it didn’t. However it did teach one major thing. That my happiness is refined over and over and it’s my choice whether or not I engage in the laughter or the tears.
Well…I ain’t no punk~ass bitch. And I absolutely LOVE…to laugh.

Stay Vulnerable,
CHERyL