Everyone my age has a big house, career, married…and I’m over here starting my life yet again.
I’m the biggest happy go lucky person you’ll ever come across in life. I have always found reason to look at any and every glass I’ve been handed, as half full. No matter what cracks may be lurking beneath.
But man, here lately this do over has been blowing chunks in reverse wind. I’ve been finding it harder and harder not to become bitter. Not necessarily with people, but more so with myself. If I could take a moment and somehow kick my own ass I totally would, haha
My oldest son is sixteen years old, and I was working at Wal-Mart when I got pregnant with him.
Well…Here I am…
Again.
I’m so thankful for the job, but man…It’s more humbling than you think.
I had a place. I was a supervisor, life was good. Then the ground shifted and I truly tried my best. In my heart I know I tried. I gave it my best and for awhile I did it. But then…
Right on my ass I fell.
When starting over everyone is so encouraging, at first. After awhile though, life keeps blasting you with snowballs made from damn ice and you go to get up and right back on the ice you go! People get annoyed. They have their own time frames for how long it should take people to “get back up on their feet.” It’s the most stressful thing in the entire world. Especially when it’s not anything you’ve done wrong really. It’s just a case of…bullshit luck. Someone once said to me: “You are where you are today, because of the choices you made yesterday.”
Well…That’s not fair. And what an awful terrible thing to say to someone when they’re down.
If you look at yourself no matter where you are in life, and ponder on “if only I did that…” Or “I wonder if I had…” That to me, creates a bondage mind set and can have the potential of holding you spiritually hostage to a past that is there for a reason.
Who knows if I had left my ex husband the first time he cheated on me, where I’d be right now?
Who knows if I had listened to my dad and NEVER married him to begin with?
Who knows?
Who cares?
What good does that do for anyone to think like that?
The Bible says 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8 kjv) Now THAT is what I need more of. Not some jumbo crap of choices I’ve made being the reason I’m here again, the bottom. I just refuse to believe that. I made a choice to honor my marriage…was it the wrong choice?
I don’t care.
At that time, I did what I truly felt in my heart was the right choice. Period. The end. I won’t look at my past that way, and I most certainly will NOT look at my future that way neither.
Why?
Because I will drive myself insane by second guessing myself. I’ve made great choices in life, I’ve made terrible ones too. And guess what?
I will again, haha
Does it suck making half the money I need, to be able for my children and I to finally have a home of our own again?
You already fuckin’ know it man.
Does it suck to have your children being moved over and over and not establish any roots anywhere?
YES!
Does it suck knowing the person who LEFT YOU has those things and it’s been a CONSTANT battle for you to just get started again???
More than ANYONE will EVER know, YES.
But to me, what would be worse than ALL of those things combined?
Having my mind spinning with regret of thinking: “did I” or “did I not” make the right choice?
NEVER knowing if you had chose a different path, that your burdens of today would be lighter…or more heavy.
We worry over tomorrow as if the good Lord promises it to us.
I’m so tired man.
My body hurts. My knee’s are kicking my ass. I’m always broke. And if it could happen to anyone, it happens to me, lol But dammit I’M HERE.
I’M STILL HERE!
Whether I’m sassy, angry, happy, bitter, bored or mad…I’M HERE.
There’s only ONE choice that can change that and hey man, I come from a lineage of survivors. (notice I did NOT say victims.) So here I am, again. The bottom. Starting over. I’m a l’il worn from beating bitterness in the ass, it’s an everyday battle. But everyday I keep going. I keep moving. I get knocked backwards sometime, but I stay focused, stay strong, stay the mother fucking course. And remember one important fact. I was here once before. Who am I kidding, a few times before, lol And I made it through. I’ve been through some craziness the past few years that would have BROKEN the average person.
But I wasn’t born to be average, lol And I’m not about to start now.
So as I sit and blog delirious in pain, exhaustion and a little bitter 😉 I’ll close my eyes, sleep and tomorrow get up and do it all over again because being at the bottom…Only means there’s one other direction I can go.
So even though I may appear to be a tragedy, don’t count me out yet, I’m still breathing!
I’M STILL BREATHING!!! Can ANYONE hear me? So listen, if you’re like me. And you’re crawling your way through hell again, STAY THE COURSE. BE ENCOURAGED, and if you’re reading this, guess what? YOU too are STILL here, STILL breathing. Do what you need. But don’t allow bitterness to stay too long.
Cry.
Laugh.
Be angry.
But keep going…keep going man.

Seleh,
CHERyL