You grow up with these traditional values, morals, beliefs…and then one day every single one of them is shaken. You find yourself questioning every moment with each and every breath. The confidence that defined who I was, was gone and to be honest I can’t even pin point when it was lost. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I gotta tell ya, that in itself is more frightening to me than death itself.
I thrived on my confidence.
When my ex husband bounced out the door I chose to handle it in a way that was different from every other time before. I didn’t follow after him.
My whole life I’ve heard all these words that described me and for the life of me not one single word was “weak.” In a month it will be exactly one year to the date he left.
One year to the date I took a breath.
No more egg shells.
No more having to second guess every bit of who I am and under no circumstances whatsoever having to explain the smallest to the biggest choices I made. From what I bought at the grocery store to why I couldn’t stick to a diet…
Oh my goodness…
I feel great.
But then it happened. One letter to FINALLY get what I deserved for once. My letter of closure. I should have seen it coming, that small tiny light of remorse coming from his soul. I should have reminded myself right then, he no longer has one.
He let it go a long, long time ago.
Who the hell knows? Maybe it’s my old traditions growing up “one life, one wife” or perhaps all of the 80’s chick flicks with Molly Ringwald, but I fell for it. In that one moment, I was weak. I opened myself up.
And guess what happened?
Insults, stupid exaggerations of a truth only to be real in his “I’m never wrong” head. Again, making it about ME not being good enough…questioning who I am. AGAIN. Has he learned nothing at all? Even at the bottom of what appears to be his darkess hour and yet emotional abuse creeps through. The next day there I was…scrubing my walls, vacuuming at least three times, telling myself my apartment is dirty. There’s so much laundry to get done…oh man, I can’t relax, I can’t relax. Then all of a sudden it dawned on me. Wow, he’s going through that stage just like I said he would. Hating his life again, being miserable and needing someone to blame for it. I took the bait.
For one brief moment. I was right back to questioning my self worth. All because he’s miserable. It’s been a year, and just as I told him before, “in a year from now, you’ll still be miserable.” Here he stands and there it is…misery.
It took 24hrs for me to shrug it off. The fact he has all he said he needed and yet, still…miserable…and yet again, it’s still not his fault…LMFAO….I almost fell right back into questioning whether or not I’m good enough. Doing anything and everything to be good enough. How freakin’ sick! I now know that everything I have told him is true. No matter if he ever gets it, I KNOW IT and that’s truly is all that matters. The real truth is, HE is the one not good enough. The Bible says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. He will never be that man. He’s incapable of it. His pride, arrogance and God complex will never allow it. But that’s okay…my moment has passed and I made it through. I feel…wonderful. My apartment is coming along. My kids are happy again. I’m happy again and when 5pm hits the clock, none of us are anxious and nervous about how clean the house is before the front door opens… The posters on my wall, my incense, my memories of who I was at 16 filled with fire and passion…finally is there to meet me at 41. I had one moment, and he had a chance, but he blew it…for good.

So long sucka!

CHERyL~ “My futures so bright I gotta wear shades yO….”