Gesuschic

The song speaks for itself, (and for me). No matter what life throws at me, I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. It’s in my nature and I refuse to allow any circumstance beyond my control to change that about me.

Someday,
Cheryl~

I have this constant feeling that hides away in the crevice of my soul  and whenever I  feel intimidated or nervous about a situation, it creeps it’s way right into the forefront of my mind and it sits there like a big fat Buddha.  Since the divorce being final I’ve been slowly but surly finding my way back to the Cheryl I was before everything went south. My biggest thing having trouble edging it’s way back into my sassy character is my self confidence.
I never had issue with being confident before.
It came easy for me, very natural. My father was a Marine you see…and my mom…well, she had a very hard life. Both of them learned at very young ages that being confident in yourself will get you anywhere you need to go. It would also give you the strength to move past the ones who didn’t care, let you down, and under estimated you. And it’s that very last one that get’s me every single time. Just when I think I’ve got it, someone under estimates me. Whether it be at my job, church, friends or just every day life…I get this feeling from someone that I just don’t measure up to their standard, or their type of quality, and at that point out of the crevice it comes. My lack of self confidence. I get insecure in not being good enough to measure up to some lame losers self righteous standard of who I ought to be to get “cool points” enough to be “accepted.”
In all actuality if I were confident enough, their opinion would be…appreciated…however, not needed for my approval of who I am.
My confidence at one point was my BEST character trait…
This is something if not born with, you need to work damn hard to achieve. It’s just like losing weight. It’s so freakin’ hard to lose it and keep it off. Both are equally difficult. Confidence is the same way, once you have it, it’s hard to keep it. Ya see what I mean?
You can’t allow yourself to be overly confident because then it slides right into arrogance and to me, that’s disgusting. It can make even the most beautiful, very ugly. There needs to be a balance. One that people can see. If you find it, people will be drawn to you. I’m at a loss…I can’t seem to grasp what I once had. Everytime I think I have, something happens. Something is said, done, or a thought enters in my head and I lose it. I “fumble the ball” sort a speak. I hate that feeling of needing to measure up to people’s expectations. If I had that certainty in myself,  I would understand that their expectations are merely flaws they once seen in themselves, and don’t want to be reminded of through your lack of confidence. To me it’s simple logic man…but grabbing a hold of something and keeping it are two VERY different things.
This is my struggle.
My stronghold of the day.
A friend prayed over me at Church the other night, and while she was praying she spoke a few words directly to me. They all struck me deeply but one truly face palmed me right in that crevice I was referring to earlier.
“Cheryl, you need to walk in that identity that The Father created you to have and not that, of the hard road you’ve been given.”
Are you even serious?
The very thoughts I keep to myself God has a way to reveal them regardless if I want to “deal” or not. Because even though I FEEL as though I’m NOT ready to face that stronghold, God knows me better than I know me, and He says when.
So here I am today, tonight…right now.
Subject~ Confidence.
Issue~ Lacking It.
Action~ Dealing with it.
Goal~ Have it RESTORED.

Selah~
Cheryl