The weirdest thing about getting a Divorce is the fact you’re no longer a wife. For me, that was the weirdest thing. Walking into the courthouse as Mrs. Morales and one hour later I’m leaving as Cheryl Ingram. I could not have been more proud 🙂 My dad was an amazing man, my Grandfather…even greater…I LOVE having their name back. I wasn’t sure how I would feel that day. At this point, I still haven’t done the “cry” everyone said would come. All the memories people said would fill my head, haven’t. I’ve just been moving forward, every day, one foot in front of the other. To be honest, I haven’t even thought about my future without Angel.
Crazy huh?
16yrs ago I couldn’t of imagined my life without him.
But now…here I am.
And I’m just fine 🙂
We made small talk in the court room. I can’t stand feeling awkward (and I don’t want to hate him although that is a daily struggle for me) so I had to talk. The kids…his girlfriend, his job…We were the first case called and some guy walked up with us completely clueless to the fact he obviously didn’t listen to directions, lol Standing there listening to the Judge
“You want your marriage dissolved?”
“Yes…”
“Wife wants her maiden named returned to her?”
“Yes…”
“You both are in agreement to end things today as in your decree?”
“Yes…”
Eight months ago all my answers would have been a resounding “NO.” But I’m so tired, so worn out…I feel ashamed to say it but I didn’t even want to try and pray my husband back home. No doubt it could have happened but why? It would have been an ongoing cycle of proving myself worthy to someone who could care less. I’m better than that. If he could no longer see how kick ass amazing I am then I’ll end this cycle and move on.
My main focus is myself, my kids…I need to find who I was before he started making me feel like shit to the point I wanted to just…ugh…
There I stood. Even though the Judges questions were being answered by what she was saying what I HEARD was:
“Cheryl…Do you want your self worth back?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to be free from all this heartbreak?”
“Yes…”
“Do you want your confidence back? Your dignity?”
“Yes…Yes…Yes…”
“All of it is granted, along with your name…your identity of who you once were, who you are and who you have yet to become…”
I left that courthouse remembering that I’m a strong woman, a GOOD woman and NEVER again will I allow someone to make me second guess those things. I don’t wish him any ill will, although I need to remind myself of that everyday too 😉 I wouldn’t say I’m heartbroken my marriage is finally over but I am disappointed that he couldn’t rise above the enemy raging into his life to steal, kill and destroy. I’m disappointed that he couldn’t hold on to that man I married 15 1/2 yrs ago and cry out for restoration but instead walked away so easy from a life that wanted him, needed him, adored him… But refuses to wait for him. I have to leave all of the memories of hurt at the altar and just walk away myself. My reasons are very different from his but still…The only time I broke down and cried was when I found out he and the new girlfriend has a dog, LOL! For years I wanted one so badly but like a child I was told “no…” I actually pulled my car over and cried. Hahaha It lasted all of 30 seconds before I realized “Hey…I can now have one…I can have ANYTHING I WANT.” And just like that it was forgotten, lol I feel a little weird though, as I said…Not being his wife anymore is so strange. But in all reality I haven’t felt like his wife in a very long time. Tomorrow is my 41st birthday and I never thought I’d be where I am but ya know? It’s okay. I’m okay…My whole entire life is ahead of me and for the first time in YEARS I feel genuinely GOOD about myself. In losing him God showed me I gained my whole entire life back. I slept beside him for a very long time feeling as though I was the loneliest person in the world. But now…it’s been nine months and every night I go to bed alone without ever feeling lonely.

SELAH~
Miss Ingram