It would be wonderful to say that in every single situation your actions were that, of the picture perfect Christian. However, we live in a reality where the flesh is weak on a consistent basis and anger, frustration, vengeance, all get the best of us. At least me anyway.
I had a friend tell me today that I sound as if I’m completely done. Willing to agree to whatever just so I can move on. I have to admit, contrary to the rumors of ignorance and drama seeking people, Daniel was 100% correct.
Everything I gave to this marriage was of the best intentions because I truly loved my husband. I thought I knew his heart. Totally unbreakable we were…But I was wrong.
I was raised by people who believed when things get rough, to stand together and stick it out.
No matter what.
The concept is beautiful, but we tend to forget that as you’re trying to tread water to keep from sinking, you can’t hold on for both of you. Sometimes you have to understand that for your own safety and sanity of mind you need to allow it to end. If seeking God for peace in any given situation, He tells you to “let it go…” Then for God sakes, let…it…go…You’re not a failure although some will whisper that you are.
I was spent.
Tired..
Spiritually and emotionally exhausted from trying to have enough faith for two people. My mindset was off. I thought allowing him to treat me like I was dirt was the right thing to do, being obedient regardless of the fact I wanted to lay down and die.
I believe as Christians we feel as though if there are no bruises we haven’t been abused.
I feel like the enemy (as in the Devil, not my soon to be Ex) used the fact my parents were dead, my brothers dead, my sister, dead…to make me think I had no other choice. I allowed circumstances in my life over shadow the fact I was dying from a self-esteem being completely battered as if I was a crash test dummy.
BIG fault on my part.
Who I am as a woman, a friend, a mother…and anything else you can think of was just slammed to the floor as if my best would NEVER be good enough and my past mistakes of being a whore at the feet of Jesus would be constant reminders of no other man never wanting me.
My flaws made me expendable to everyone.
I bared the brunt of someone elses misery of what he actually thought of himself.  
I have no answers for why I allowed it for so long. Perhaps the way I was raised, feeling desperate to prove to him I would never leave like everyone else in his life…All my intentions were genuine, but eventually I myself began to lose touch in who I used to be.
Alive.
Confident.
Beautiful.
Complete…
At first I thought “this is it. You go, you go,” but then I started feeling that same ‘ole same ‘ole of  feeling guilty about calling myself a Christian yet giving up on my marriage and I offered him to come home…But just like that, God started moving something within the depths of my soul. Reminders of the woman I once was and secretly longed to be again. People who had no clue of what was going on saying things that confirmed for me to keep moving…keep walking…not to look back. I’m still walking through this. The difference now is I can see God’s hand in all of it. From the timing of things to certain people from my past reaching out and restoration in burnt bridges, I can go on and on. God’s favor is all over me and my babies. His precious mercy of love telling me to keep going, it’s almost over.
God is not a fan of divorce. But no way does he want you to lose yourself to the point where you want to just…die.
Losing yourself to the point where all you feel and see is defeat and thinking there is absolutely no way out. The Devil will lie, lie, lie so you feel as though the right thing is sticking it out.
I’m utterly disgusted at myself for all I allowed myself to go through.
I feel as though by doing that I’ve taught my boys a dreadful lesson in learned behavior and my girls a sick example in emotional abuse.
I was sitting in church, listening to Pastor Matt teach about taking back all the Devil has stolen in your life. Some may have taken his sermon and ran with praying your marriage back and for some of you reading, that may be truth for you. Me? Not so much. Spiritually and physically I was barely breathing. Seriously. It took every single ounce of my responsibility as a Mother to keep going.
Some have said to me (even as early as this past weekend) I am heartbroken, lost and bitter because my husband has left me and I can’t stand the fact he’s moved on, I’m jealous, tore up over him not loving me anymore. Which is why I’m writing this blog tonight.
The only brokenness I feel at this very moment, is that of the tears of my children.
This whole thing is unfair to them in more ways than ANY of you have a clue. Do not EVER question that fact about me. I REFUSE to not speak out and stick up for myself. Although I will do it only this one time. There is nothing, NOTHING, nothing that would ever make me want to go back to feeling helpless, lost, desperate, and lonely, to the fact that if it weren’t for my children, I would not be here typing this blog right now.
That is what I lost the second he walked out our front door.
I know some people reading this will get angry, be on the defensive, but with all due respect nobody but God truly knew what I was going through, not one single person. What you may see on the outside of a smiling face just may not always be the story they are living on the inside.
To those cruel, clueless people who have laughed at the expense of thinking I’m so “not over my ex husband” or feel as though it’s “so wonderful” to see him “happy” my opinion of you is something that is to shameful for a Christian to even speak out loud.
Am I bitter?
Nope.
The one emotion I have no desire for. Because finding myself again trumps that 70 fold…
You can talk all you want, whisper about your ridiculous assumptions of a situation you know jack shit about. But for me? The sky is the limit. Today is the first day of the rest of my life…and never again will I allow anyone to treat me the way he did. I lay in bed sometimes and I get so sick to my stomach thinking of things I went through for the sake of  believing “love will conquer all.” I say to the Lord in private on many occasions how thankful I am that my mother was not alive to see how he treated me. She would have been devastated that the beautiful, confident, vibrant woman she raised became so emotionally broken. You can believe me or not, my soul was empty and my heart was numb to anything…but my children. They were the portal God used to keep me going. I felt like that person holding onto the cliff about to crumble in fear of letting go and reaching for safety. And look at me now 😉 Traces of who I used to be are slowly but surly finding their way back. It’s not easy starting over. Especially when you are constantly being disrespected by the ignorance of others (including the soon to be Ex) It’s not just me having to learn to walk again but also my children. A new world, new life…a new beginning…My eyes, my heart, my soul…all fixed upon the main Man in front of me. Cheering me on, showing me His favor, screaming for me to “C’mon girl!!!! Come right to me…look right at me…I got you, I got you.” My heart in the middle of emotional despair and physical longing to give up has been rescued, revived, and I am for the first time in a VERY, VERY long and lonely time am taking deep breaths, exhaling slowly and leaning into the brush of His grace against my face and feeling alive once again. And if that sounds like the words of a woman falling apart, there is probably no hope for you.
“Learning To Fall…”
Cheryl