Gesuschic

My kids have seen me cry so much that since the day my husband walked out on me I’ve refused to let them see me cry. It’s important I’m strong for them right now. However, walking into church every Saturday I get the urge to find a corner and lay in a fetal position for a few hours. I can honestly say that I’m not in love with my soon to be Ex husband. If I were I feel as though by now, the way everything went down that would have broken me in half.
No one but God will ever know all that happened in our marriage and no one ever will. I’m not one of these women who wants all she can get because she was hurt or bitter because he already has a new girlfriend, I just want to get our marriage legally over and move on. No action from a scorned soul will ever repair the damage that was done by the person who wronged you.
Not in a marriage, a friendship, work relationship…nothing.
The ONLY thing that will repair your broken soul is Jesus.
I cling to Him.
I must, if I don’t, I’ll fall apart. Not because I still hold out hope or because I’m still in love but just because of everything in my entire life seems to fade…everything that is, but my deep love for the only man whose love for me has been a complete consistency in grace.
I have realized within the past 10 years I have taken that for granted.
God’s amazing, beautiful, effortless grace. It brings tears to my eyes even still while I type this blog.
Sitting in Church tonight was almost unbearable for me. However, I believe I had a revelation. I’m queen of speaking before I think (hence the name of my blog site). But I’ve had all church service and a 40min ride home to think about it. My husband walking out on me was dreadful. And my heart will never understand why but in a way, all of the pain I’ve felt, humiliation in the new girl before we’re even divorced…I don’t think I’d want it any other way than it is right at this very moment.
In the midst of my pain, anger, confusion, and every other emotional wreck you wanna throw in there, I lay it before The Father…Every night, every morning, sometimes in the middle of the day at work, lol My walk with Christ has been completely numb for a VERY long time. This entire situation although heartbreaking has kept me clinging to the feet of  my Savior.
I feel ashamed to admit it but it’s true.
I don’t need to be anywhere else nor to I want to be and if heartbreak keeps me there…then I will embrace it.
Since my parents died I’ve felt such an uncertainty in feeling safe…secure…However, my roots run deep thanks to my loving, God-fearing mom and dad, so being in the presence of a Holy God I feel nothing but…safe, secure, loved, hopeful. The brush of  His Holy Spirit that fills my heart with mountains of complete peace is unexplainable.
I struggle with feeling accepted and wanted…I always have…since I was a child. I’ve felt out-of-place, a feeling as though I don’t belong. But when I am 100% vulnerable to God those feelings dissipate, they really do.
I don’t know what it is about Jesus…lol…but He makes me feel like no other 🙂 When I am clinging to His feet NOTHING can tear my soul apart.
Not a divorce,
not a lost loved one,
not losing a job, a home, a friend, a car…NOTHING.  I have this amazing friend. I feel so close to him. He is probably the closest thing I have to a brother. When I first spoke with him about my husband leaving and wanting a divorce and all my boo hoo’s he said “Cheryl, I’ll pray for him…but I’ll pray for you too, because sometimes you need to focus not on the other person but on yourself. How God can use this situation in your life to change YOUR heart.” And that’s where I’m at today…seeking Christ and being totally open on Him changing my heart. I can’t sit and focus on what my husband is doing. I’ll go crazy, turn bitter and become someone I hate. I’m letting God deal with that. The important thing I’m seeking is me. God needs to change me and take up every single broken piece of my heart and soul and remold it to something even more beautiful than before.
He is the potter…I am just broken pieces of clay.
Ready, waiting, with nervous anticipation for what only The Father can give to me through this whole divorce…In the middle of all that I’m going through I know He’s right there with me. I can get mad at Him, annoyed at the situation but still, there it is for me…from my Sovereign God…redemption.