Gesuschic

As a Christian, It’s probably the most shameful thing to admit to while going through a divorce.
As I begin to type the words I shake my head at myself.
Are we all ready?
I’m lightweight angry at God. GASP!? I know what you’re thinking. Mainly because I’ve already thought it myself. How can a woman who has seen the miracles and blessings of a sovereign God even have the audacity to be mad at Him?
Well, I am.
Trust me, it’s at the top of “Cheryl’s shameful secrets never to admit to” list.
But the whole point of this crazy blog about my divorce is to help others going through the same thing. Have we not all been mad at God before? Don’t lie to yourself either, because He already knows.
I go over my entire marriage at least a thousand times a week.
Where did everything go wrong?
I prayed, read books, did work shops…I even prayed over my husband while he was sleeping.
With all of the miracles God has given He couldn’t stretch one more with my marriage?
He’s God.
He can fix anything.
This sucks and it’s not just me being hurt, my children have been torn apart and we are just starting….
My mind begins to wonder if my divorce is just a consequence for all I have reaped.
I have to remember though as amazing a God I serve we still have free will. The shitty thing with that though is that sometimes your free will, the choices you make can have an effect on those around you. Including my own crap choices. Jesse Duplantis once said “The choices you made yesterday are what brought you to today.” That is some scary shit to think about.
I’m 40 but yet I’m still figuring out my relationship with God and why things happen the way they do.
Who determines what gets fixed and what doesn’t…? I’m ashamed to admit, I’m mad at God. I mean after all..He IS God. Who am I?
Is it even okay to be mad at Him?
I mean He knows my heart.
I lift my hands in complete surrender but I haven’t. Not fully…I can’t even cry. I have no desire to pray for my soon to be ex, I struggle with not hating him yet I call myself a Christian woman and my thoughts are far beyond Holy and Godly.
I’m a hypocrite.
A Soldier hating the war he’s fighting in. Are those even normal feelings to have?
Prayer is the very essence of Christianity. It’s what we do as a people to communicate with The Father, let things go, begin anew, surrender, be thankful, all the above. Yet I struggle. Even in the death of family I never had a problem with talking things over with God. But this? Man…The very core of my faith has been shaken. My mom used to say “if you had a problem with hating someone, pray for them. It’s impossible to hate someone you’re praying for.” But I don’t wanna pray for him. I can’t even stand hearing his voice. I forget the man he used to be and only see the man he let himself become, and I get angry feeling completely cheated out on a future I was so looking forward to and that our children deserved. Then I drift and find myself blaming God because He allowed it to happen.
That is just so wrong on so many levels.
Because we have free will.
I have no right to blame God.
I do though.
Shameful to admit, but I do.
I’ve gone though the anger now I’m onto feeling a big fat disappointment in how this all turned out. Did I not do enough to get God’s attention in the matter of my marriage?
Who knows…
But God has shown me favor through this.
My church and the schools getting us through Christmas, all the bills paid, food in our cabinets, a vehicle to drive, friends who check in, a promotion at work…a place of our own…God is totally lookin’ out for the kids and I yet here I am. Throwing a toddler fit.
I feel as though God needs to take me to the bathroom and remind me that HE is God and He alone and I need to know my place and shut my mouth.
My attitude is a stronghold.
A VERY…BIG…STRONGHOLD.
So MANY things He has continued to carry me through and I stand here with hands on hip, rolling my eyes still asking where He was and why it all went to hell. I have some nerve. I’m no better than those people who blame God for Cancer, a car accident or Sandy Hook… It is by no means God’s fault my husband decided to quit on our life together and bounce.
When it comes right down to it free will can cause pain for those directly affected by your bad decisions. However, God is merciful to those and He understands my anger. It’s not okay to be mad at God, yet He understands I’m having a toddler moment. In spite of that, He still takes care of me. He’s looking after me.
My fear is that I will become bitter.
Today is the day our divorce is officially filed and set in motion.
So many things are running through my mind but I know that with each step I take God is there first.
Even when I’m mad.
I feel as though I was thrown into water, left to drown, not knowing how to swim and I’m kicking and screaming when all I need to do is stand. Only then, will I see the water is at my knees.
I wasn’t drowning at all. Just panicking, but I need to re-focus and put ALL of my trust in Him who loves me with that effortless grace and amazing mercy. I think God understands I’m mad at the situation. The past 5 years of my marriage has been a roller coaster of emotions. He would leave, come back, leave, come back…When he left the last time I had to explain it would BE the LAST time…and it was. So why am I mad at God anyway?
God will honor my obedience of doing what I believed the right thing for our family, our marriage. NONE of it was in vain and that’s my problem. I get these l’il nasty evil voices telling me “what was all the effort for? He left anyway…Joke on you.” Well I don’t truly believe that. As long as I stop, breathe and focus I’ll remember it was not in vain because God will STILL honor my obedience. He already has… If I can redirect my emotions in the flesh and allow my spirit to rise up the stronger and look at where I am.
A promotion,
a home,
my kids beginning to adjust…
Grace is all through this crazy chapter of my life. It’s so scary how easy it can be to miss it.
Every single day is a struggle for me.
But I’m going to trust God. He didn’t walk out right after my husband did. He is STILL with me.
When I’m angry, when I’m sad, when I’m feeling defeated, when I’m feeling I can’t take anymore…He’s here. Right here…He’s my love, my life, my comfort, even my punching bag, lol
There is no doubt God the Father loves me without condition which is a feeling I’ve been lacking throughout my whole marriage and if anything good comes from this divorce, it is the fact I finally remember that to God I am good enough, to God, I am by no means expendable. My advice for anyone going through this?
Stay focused.
No matter where you are; in the car, bathroom at work, wherever…take a moment and focus ahead. Ya know…when Peter was walking across the water to Jesus he only began to sink when he looked at the storm around him. He began to panic, he lost focus of Christ standing before him.
You can’t lose your focus and you can’t lie to God. If you’re mad, be mad…but be honest. With yourself and Him…And remind yourself, He’s got this, He’s got you.

Saleh~
5) Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6) In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5 & 6  (kjv)

Cheryl