My kids have seen me cry so much that since the day my husband walked out on me I’ve refused to let them see me cry. It’s important I’m strong for them right now. However, walking into church every Saturday I get the urge to find a corner and lay in a fetal position for a few hours. I can honestly say that I’m not in love with my soon to be Ex husband. If I were I feel as though by now, the way everything went down that would have broken me in half.
No one but God will ever know all that happened in our marriage and no one ever will. I’m not one of these women who wants all she can get because she was hurt or bitter because he already has a new girlfriend, I just want to get our marriage legally over and move on. No action from a scorned soul will ever repair the damage that was done by the person who wronged you.
Not in a marriage, a friendship, work relationship…nothing.
The ONLY thing that will repair your broken soul is Jesus.
I cling to Him.
I must, if I don’t, I’ll fall apart. Not because I still hold out hope or because I’m still in love but just because of everything in my entire life seems to fade…everything that is, but my deep love for the only man whose love for me has been a complete consistency in grace.
I have realized within the past 10 years I have taken that for granted.
God’s amazing, beautiful, effortless grace. It brings tears to my eyes even still while I type this blog.
Sitting in Church tonight was almost unbearable for me. However, I believe I had a revelation. I’m queen of speaking before I think (hence the name of my blog site). But I’ve had all church service and a 40min ride home to think about it. My husband walking out on me was dreadful. And my heart will never understand why but in a way, all of the pain I’ve felt, humiliation in the new girl before we’re even divorced…I don’t think I’d want it any other way than it is right at this very moment.
In the midst of my pain, anger, confusion, and every other emotional wreck you wanna throw in there, I lay it before The Father…Every night, every morning, sometimes in the middle of the day at work, lol My walk with Christ has been completely numb for a VERY long time. This entire situation although heartbreaking has kept me clinging to the feet of my Savior.
I feel ashamed to admit it but it’s true.
I don’t need to be anywhere else nor to I want to be and if heartbreak keeps me there…then I will embrace it.
Since my parents died I’ve felt such an uncertainty in feeling safe…secure…However, my roots run deep thanks to my loving, God-fearing mom and dad, so being in the presence of a Holy God I feel nothing but…safe, secure, loved, hopeful. The brush of His Holy Spirit that fills my heart with mountains of complete peace is unexplainable.
I struggle with feeling accepted and wanted…I always have…since I was a child. I’ve felt out-of-place, a feeling as though I don’t belong. But when I am 100% vulnerable to God those feelings dissipate, they really do.
I don’t know what it is about Jesus…lol…but He makes me feel like no other 🙂 When I am clinging to His feet NOTHING can tear my soul apart.
Not a divorce,
not a lost loved one,
not losing a job, a home, a friend, a car…NOTHING. I have this amazing friend. I feel so close to him. He is probably the closest thing I have to a brother. When I first spoke with him about my husband leaving and wanting a divorce and all my boo hoo’s he said “Cheryl, I’ll pray for him…but I’ll pray for you too, because sometimes you need to focus not on the other person but on yourself. How God can use this situation in your life to change YOUR heart.” And that’s where I’m at today…seeking Christ and being totally open on Him changing my heart. I can’t sit and focus on what my husband is doing. I’ll go crazy, turn bitter and become someone I hate. I’m letting God deal with that. The important thing I’m seeking is me. God needs to change me and take up every single broken piece of my heart and soul and remold it to something even more beautiful than before.
He is the potter…I am just broken pieces of clay.
Ready, waiting, with nervous anticipation for what only The Father can give to me through this whole divorce…In the middle of all that I’m going through I know He’s right there with me. I can get mad at Him, annoyed at the situation but still, there it is for me…from my Sovereign God…redemption.
As a Christian, It’s probably the most shameful thing to admit to while going through a divorce.
As I begin to type the words I shake my head at myself.
Are we all ready?
I’m lightweight angry at God. GASP!? I know what you’re thinking. Mainly because I’ve already thought it myself. How can a woman who has seen the miracles and blessings of a sovereign God even have the audacity to be mad at Him?
Well, I am.
Trust me, it’s at the top of “Cheryl’s shameful secrets never to admit to” list.
But the whole point of this crazy blog about my divorce is to help others going through the same thing. Have we not all been mad at God before? Don’t lie to yourself either, because He already knows.
I go over my entire marriage at least a thousand times a week.
Where did everything go wrong?
I prayed, read books, did work shops…I even prayed over my husband while he was sleeping.
With all of the miracles God has given He couldn’t stretch one more with my marriage?
He’s God.
He can fix anything.
This sucks and it’s not just me being hurt, my children have been torn apart and we are just starting….
My mind begins to wonder if my divorce is just a consequence for all I have reaped.
I have to remember though as amazing a God I serve we still have free will. The shitty thing with that though is that sometimes your free will, the choices you make can have an effect on those around you. Including my own crap choices. Jesse Duplantis once said “The choices you made yesterday are what brought you to today.” That is some scary shit to think about.
I’m 40 but yet I’m still figuring out my relationship with God and why things happen the way they do.
Who determines what gets fixed and what doesn’t…? I’m ashamed to admit, I’m mad at God. I mean after all..He IS God. Who am I?
Is it even okay to be mad at Him?
I mean He knows my heart.
I lift my hands in complete surrender but I haven’t. Not fully…I can’t even cry. I have no desire to pray for my soon to be ex, I struggle with not hating him yet I call myself a Christian woman and my thoughts are far beyond Holy and Godly.
I’m a hypocrite.
A Soldier hating the war he’s fighting in. Are those even normal feelings to have?
Prayer is the very essence of Christianity. It’s what we do as a people to communicate with The Father, let things go, begin anew, surrender, be thankful, all the above. Yet I struggle. Even in the death of family I never had a problem with talking things over with God. But this? Man…The very core of my faith has been shaken. My mom used to say “if you had a problem with hating someone, pray for them. It’s impossible to hate someone you’re praying for.” But I don’t wanna pray for him. I can’t even stand hearing his voice. I forget the man he used to be and only see the man he let himself become, and I get angry feeling completely cheated out on a future I was so looking forward to and that our children deserved. Then I drift and find myself blaming God because He allowed it to happen.
That is just so wrong on so many levels.
Because we have free will.
I have no right to blame God.
I do though.
Shameful to admit, but I do.
I’ve gone though the anger now I’m onto feeling a big fat disappointment in how this all turned out. Did I not do enough to get God’s attention in the matter of my marriage?
Who knows…
But God has shown me favor through this.
My church and the schools getting us through Christmas, all the bills paid, food in our cabinets, a vehicle to drive, friends who check in, a promotion at work…a place of our own…God is totally lookin’ out for the kids and I yet here I am. Throwing a toddler fit.
I feel as though God needs to take me to the bathroom and remind me that HE is God and He alone and I need to know my place and shut my mouth.
My attitude is a stronghold.
A VERY…BIG…STRONGHOLD.
So MANY things He has continued to carry me through and I stand here with hands on hip, rolling my eyes still asking where He was and why it all went to hell. I have some nerve. I’m no better than those people who blame God for Cancer, a car accident or Sandy Hook… It is by no means God’s fault my husband decided to quit on our life together and bounce.
When it comes right down to it free will can cause pain for those directly affected by your bad decisions. However, God is merciful to those and He understands my anger. It’s not okay to be mad at God, yet He understands I’m having a toddler moment. In spite of that, He still takes care of me. He’s looking after me.
My fear is that I will become bitter.
Today is the day our divorce is officially filed and set in motion.
So many things are running through my mind but I know that with each step I take God is there first.
Even when I’m mad.
I feel as though I was thrown into water, left to drown, not knowing how to swim and I’m kicking and screaming when all I need to do is stand. Only then, will I see the water is at my knees.
I wasn’t drowning at all. Just panicking, but I need to re-focus and put ALL of my trust in Him who loves me with that effortless grace and amazing mercy. I think God understands I’m mad at the situation. The past 5 years of my marriage has been a roller coaster of emotions. He would leave, come back, leave, come back…When he left the last time I had to explain it would BE the LAST time…and it was. So why am I mad at God anyway?
God will honor my obedience of doing what I believed the right thing for our family, our marriage. NONE of it was in vain and that’s my problem. I get these l’il nasty evil voices telling me “what was all the effort for? He left anyway…Joke on you.” Well I don’t truly believe that. As long as I stop, breathe and focus I’ll remember it was not in vain because God will STILL honor my obedience. He already has… If I can redirect my emotions in the flesh and allow my spirit to rise up the stronger and look at where I am.
A promotion,
a home,
my kids beginning to adjust…
Grace is all through this crazy chapter of my life. It’s so scary how easy it can be to miss it.
Every single day is a struggle for me.
But I’m going to trust God. He didn’t walk out right after my husband did. He is STILL with me.
When I’m angry, when I’m sad, when I’m feeling defeated, when I’m feeling I can’t take anymore…He’s here. Right here…He’s my love, my life, my comfort, even my punching bag, lol
There is no doubt God the Father loves me without condition which is a feeling I’ve been lacking throughout my whole marriage and if anything good comes from this divorce, it is the fact I finally remember that to God I am good enough, to God, I am by no means expendable. My advice for anyone going through this?
Stay focused.
No matter where you are; in the car, bathroom at work, wherever…take a moment and focus ahead. Ya know…when Peter was walking across the water to Jesus he only began to sink when he looked at the storm around him. He began to panic, he lost focus of Christ standing before him.
You can’t lose your focus and you can’t lie to God. If you’re mad, be mad…but be honest. With yourself and Him…And remind yourself, He’s got this, He’s got you.
Saleh~
5) Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6) In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5 & 6 (kjv)
Every morning is a new day, laying in bed hitting snooze for the third time.
It’s right there.
What I now know as the dreaded taunting of a Christian’s worst nightmare.
Strongholds.
They suck.
A few weeks ago Pastor Matt spoke on them and for the very first time I realized I didn’t even know what they actually were. Crazy, growing up in a Christian home and yet here I am a grown woman clueless as to my worst adversary.
This past Saturday Matt spoke more on our fiery fiending enemies and explained in detail their meaning and goal. Their point of attack is the soul.
Three parts: Body, Soul and Spirit.
My soul is just broken.
Sometimes I get so excited in the Spirit I could almost cart-wheel back to Worthington on Saturday nights but then it happens…One right after another…
“You will never be good enough.”
I cannot remember a time in my life to where this l’il phrase has not bounced back and forth in the crevice of my mind finding its way to the depths of my soul and took up house.
“You always fuck things up…”
A penny for the countless times I’ve heard this, and I’d be a Hilton.
So much so that people have actually told me that my good intentions always lead to chaos because, well…”that’s just you Cheryl.”
I’ve always had that feeling of anything that I touch turns to mud. No matter what I do.
I love so hard yet it always seems to find its way gone from me…
People leave me…whether by choice or in death either way I end up all by myself trying to figure what in the hell just happened. I get this feeling as if I bother people and I’m over extending my welcome.
I’m expendable.
The problem with all of those things is that it has seeped its nasty way right into my relationship with the Lord.
“Normal” people think “what if”s” from losing their jobs to not getting a degree to a loan falling through whatever! Me? Oh no…my cluster of fear is the big “what if” God thinks of me like all of those thoughts I mentioned?
He thinks I’m not good enough.
I’ll just screw that up for Him…
The worship band played this song with the words “He loves us…” and everything was all fine and dandy until they changed up the words to say “He loves me…” and I was all in the moment.
Hands raised,
face in the air,
and I couldn’t do it. I could not sing those words.
God continuously moves His wave of grace over my life yet here I stand, and I can’t sing those words.
Am I a disappointment? My biggest pet peeve is having to prove to people I love them but yet I ask God to do so on a daily. As if giving His only begotten Son wasn’t enough.
Confidence of who I am in Christ is lacking and it’s overwhelming to me.
I am so broken.
I am so broken.
I am so broken.
Sometimes I lay in bed and I feel as though my soul is just dying piece by piece.
Church was Saturday and Sunday night the words of Pastor Matt are still roaming through my heart and mind.
I need to re condition my thinking. My thoughts…
Stop letting them get the best of me.
I might as well grab a fiery dart and commit spiritual suicide if I allow myself to keep going on like this.
I feel as though I’m on a ledge and God is reaching out His hand and I’m that helpless damsel whose afraid to let go of the side of the building about to cave in, when safety and security is RIGHT THERE. But I NEED to MOVE. The crazy ironic part is…In order to “save myself” from falling…I have to let go.
In order not to die in the fire sometimes you have to walk through it to get out.
How frightening .
The last thing I want is a stagnant salvation.
After Saturday the words “old soul” have a completely new meaning to me. People who have one must have fought through major fiery darts thrown in their direction.
But as Pastor Matt went on to say “You have a story…” and I do.
As a child walking through a street of gunfire and never being harmed.
A heart-valve replacement gone bad to the point I should have been dead and the cardiologist was in awe at me sitting in his office…My Ezra is an actual vision brought to life, my Serenity was an unplanned TESTIMONY of God’s precious grace, standing in the middle of Heartsong feeling the amazing anointing of an awesome God for the first time in my life…The mere fact my mothers Doctor NEVER heard MY heartbeat and encouraged her to end the pregnancy…I HAVE countless story’s of why I am and who I am meant to be and those are my reminders that those strongholds have no place to torment my already broken soul. Every single story outlined in mercy, touched by grace is a jab right back at the enemy.
I’ve also been told that my “glass half full mind-set is unrealistic. You need to be more of a realist.”
No.
Never…
I believe that with the “tearing down of strongholds” you need to be the dreamer…because they are the spiritually broken so desperate for atonement that even with a heavy heart and a wounded soul you can begin your story again.
My body is tired, my Spirit is thirsty…but I’m starting to put band aids to cover each wound of attack on my soul. Each and every one is a story of how I came to be in the strength of Jesus, and one day…there is no doubt I’ll be able to sing those three l’il words with every confidence of Heaven, “He loves me…”
I may be broken but by no means whatsoever am I defeated.
Cheryl~ 2 Corinthians 10:4 (KJV) “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds.”
Sitting in the waiting area of H&RBlock to me, was equal to death. It was freezing outside and this was the last place I wanted to be.
As my husband walked in there was no eye contact, no hello, no…nothing. To everyone else there we looked like complete strangers.
A few months ago this man was my best friend and I had every intention of growing old with him.
I tell my kids all of the time “life can change in an instant.” How true is that?
I stated in my last blog how divorce is a whirlwind of emotions and sharing my divorce with the world is to maybe, bring some encouragement to someone whose going through the same thing. I’m going to be honest about everything.
Today, I feel complete anger, contempt.
I know as a Christian that sounds terrible to say. Every single day is a battle for me. My flesh has been getting the best of me the past few days and anger has been like a tsunami wave crashing right into my face. I was by no means the perfect wife. However, I was a damn good one.
I will NEVER allow ANYBODY to steal that truth from me.
When going through something so excruciating the mental breakdown of “what if’s” you go through are astounding. But the “how could he’s” are far much worse.
“I just don’t want to do this anymore…”
“We have different lifestyles…”
“There are goals I want to accomplish that I can’t do there with you.”
“Your weight is a factor of why I left…”
These are all the words going through my head sitting there in that waiting area. I felt sick to my stomach to the point I wanted to vomit.
Those “reason’s” are excuses of bullshit hidden under a cowardly condescending man. Those words of excuses are him not admitting he’s seen the grass on the other side of a fence and he seems to think it’ll be greener over there, or…those are all the insecurities he feels towards himself but it’s easier to face palm someone else with them instead of dealing with it himself, OR…he truly just has no other reason and doesn’t want to admit he’s tired of responsibility and wants to be selfish for a while. Who will ever know other than God?
“She should have seen it coming, I was miserable for years” is what my husband plastered across Facebook and Twitter but I will make this perfectly clear right now to all who cares to read my words. NO…I DID NOT. I can walk away from this with a complete peace that I genuinely did all that I could for God to restore our marriage. However, as sovereign as He is BOTH need to reach out for Him to heal. You can pray until your heart is standing at attention to the cherubim at the throne, it’s not possible to have faith for TWO people when one is done.
It’s emotionally draining and when one begins to look at the other as if he’s better than you, your self-esteem and confidence begins to die and there is no way that can be God’s intention for you.
The dangerous thing about divorce is the fact it’s so easy to allow anger to get the best of you. I can sit and ponder on the cruel words spoken to me but the only thing that will do is have anger consume me and eventually make me miserable.
Although I feel that way right now. I need to precondition my mind-set that eventually it needs to be let go of…eventually 😉
But that’s what flesh will do. Your emotions getting the best of you.
Anger, love, sadness, confusion all of it.
But as my anger dissipates my spirit grieves.
I look at all God has brought my husband and I through and I weep at why he can allow himself to walk away. How he could want to walk away….
How could he forget all the mercy and grace God has covered our marriage with. From the vision brought to life in our baby Ezra. How he was going to come to be right down to what his name was going to be. All the prophecies that came to pass through our children in the healing process of his own broken childhood.
Waterfalls of spiritual grief just fall and I find myself feeling abandoned, empty and lost…I didn’t deserve being walked out on in the middle of the night, left with no car, broken children and insecurities of me as a woman and a failure as a Wife.
I will never understand.
There is a hole left here where we once stood united as a family.
We faced problems hand in hand with prayer and faith. Wept for our lost loved ones, vowing to be together forever as long as Christ was our center and now…it’s a mess.
The view of God as a Father to our children begins at home.
Men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.
I am spiritually broken.
Those sick excuses for justifying him bouncing out of our marriage should have NO comparison to the anointing power of God we walked in as a husband and wife.
All this week I have gone back and forth from anger in my flesh to grieving in my spirit and I am emotionally drained.
I understand and know in my heart that my husband has been hurt by the risk of reaching out in faith, but we tend to forget that men in general are mere men. Only God is God and only can God be consistent in love. We forget that men can hurt us…
In the midst of my anger I hope that one day my husband will reach back and find God waiting for him.
Sadly, I won’t be.
It’s been said that the hardest part is not always the letting go but the starting over. I can walk away… However I will always be sad for what once was. But as I walk away and reach for God’s mercy in new wine, new beginnings, and fresh living water there is no doubt I will be okay.
The dangerous thing about divorce is that it can make you fear being vulnerable. But I refuse to allow it to happen to me.
I will always be a hopeless romantic, believing in those serendipitous moments.
Ready to laugh at every unfortunate bump in the road of my life.
Walk out and face the world with my heart on my sleeve and be ready for the impossible because no matter what heartbreak consumes me today, tomorrow His mercies will be made new and there will I be, open and vulnerable to whatever.
“It’s funny how you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving.”
Gesuschic 