As a little girl we all dream of planning our wedding day. Our bedrooms are filled with all of the magical guest of Barbie, Ken, Skipper, about 25 stuffed animals and your dog.  You stand in front of the mirror hanging on your wall looking into the eyes of  your latest crush from school or television, complete with your veil.
You’re so happy at that very moment.
A clueless innocent child living in the moment of  expectant wedded bliss. Little do you even know…
It was 5pm on Saturday and I was in stand still traffic when my cell rang. I answered to my friend Jennifer on the other line saying: “Cheryl!? Cheryl…Man…I do so love you girl. You’re beautiful. You know that? You’re beautiful. Seeing you everyday, talking to you, if someone didn’t know you they would never guess in a million years you were in the middle of a divorce. There is always a smile on your face. You’re happy…living your life and doing the best you can for your children to have a sense of normalcy during this. I just wanted you to know I see it. I see how strong you truly are girl and you are an amazing example to anyone who should be falling apart at the seems that there is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel and you can get to it as long as you just keep moving.”
People react so different when they hear you’re going through a Divorce.
Some don’t know what to say, others look at you with pity, give you opinions of what they think you need to do, what they think about the situation, others keep their distance all together as if you were just branded having leprosy.
My reaction is different too.
Every single day…
One moment to the next. Sometimes I feel happy not to be living in a situation that did nothing for my confidence as a woman. Yet there are moments where I question my identity as a woman, because for so long I was someone’s wife.
Then the angry moments,
The why?
What’s wrong with ME?
He’s such an ass…
So MANY waves of emotions you can’t help but find yourself spinning in a crazy chaotic circle, wondering where is the “How To Get Through A Divorce For Dummy”  book is.
It’s the same as for anything else out there that’s terrifying.
Parenting, starting a business, moving to a new City, making new friends…The truth is, there is NO right or wrong answer. So far in the “heartbreaking chapter” in the book of my crazy life, I have found it’s not just one day at a time.
With divorce it’s every moment.
Each step is taken with extreme caution as you veer through that dark ass tunnel.
The scariest thing though for me right now is the fact I feel so vulnerable. Having no family being 40, starting a new job in a new part of town and you have 4 kids looking at you for answers you really just don’t have and probably never will. However, they are STILL looking to you to make them feel safe, secure…Reassured that everything is going to be okay.
Way deep down inside I question that myself.
IS everything going to be okay?
You take vows, you love beyond time and…nothing. You wake up thinking life is perfect and come home from work to find your whole entire world is about to shake below your feet and everything is thrown off-balance. Then the reality of having to tell your kids. It’s unbearable to see the same fear you have, in them. But you have got to be strong. You don’t have a choice to show one l’il ounce of fear or else they’ll be thrown into a panic mode.
I was in my bathroom as my Husband had all the kids go to the living room. I looked in the mirror and felt my eyes begin to burn and my bottom lip was quivering. “Keep it together Cheryl. You have Carson blood in you. Be strong, suck it up. Breathe…just breathe…” My tears never got a chance to touch the lids of my eyes as I splashed water on my face, took a deep breath and walked out into the living room and sat down as my Husband began to tell our children he was leaving and not coming back.
Their faces…
It was the hardest thing I ever did as a Mother.
Watching their hearts break and crumble as their worlds were torn to pieces.
The thought running thorugh my head? I have no answers for them.
Divorce is ugly and as Christians SHOULD be avoidable.
But sometimes…as you stand in your room looking into your mirror as an excited l’il girl walking into happily ever after you realize you’re now a grown woman…holding back tears and taking a deep breath and choosing strength over laying down in defeat.
I haven’t been open about my divorce because as a Christian it’s like the white elephant in the room and everyone knows it’s there but God forbid anyone mention it. But As I hung up the phone with Jennifer I thought maybe, just MAYBE there are other people out there who could use some encouragement. Maybe you’re going through the same thing. You feel lost, ashamed, defeated…you’re still standing at the mirror wondering if you can be strong enough to stand and not fall apart.
I can’t promise you my blogs will help, but at least you know you’re not the only person who is going through this. We learn by watching, listening…so…here I go. The very first blog about my divorce. I hope being open, honest and wearing my heart on my sleeve helped someone.

Selah,
CHERyL~