Is it really the middle of fucking August 2012 already??? How insane is that? The time flies by so fast it’s almost as if I’m spinning in a circle.
Last Tuesday I was filling out my oldest daughter’s diploma information card for her graduation. I had so many tears just overcome my eyes I almost couldn’t see to write. I can’t deny I’m a sappy bitch when it comes to anything involving a fringe of emotion but I did not expect it to hit me so hard.
“Wow. Is Ren really in the 12th grade?”
My thoughts immediately went right to my parents. (May they R.I.P<3 ) Maybe that’s why I began to cry I don’t really know, but I kept wondering “what would they be saying right now?” I miss the absolute fuck out of them. Once in awhile I fool myself in thinking their deaths get easier but it’s just me lying to myself. I would almost say it gets more rough as I get older. Especially when I see people at the ages they would have been right now, thriving in life. I get pissed off.
Thinking somehow God totally cheated them.
My kids,
me…
My dad wasn’t even 60 for shit’s sake.
Not to mention my mom was barley done burying her fourth child and her husband when all of a sudden her Alzheimer’s disease went into overdrive and stole her sweet spirit and mind into oblivion never to fuckin’ return again. It’s all bullshit. One of life’s cruel relentless moments and facts.
Death.
I do see the fact me missing them and cursing the day at each of their death’s, is a tad bit selfish on my part. My anger is not justified. However I can’t help it.
My Ezra will be turning 11 this year and he doesn’t even remember my dad anymore. My Hanja is the same, but not only does she not remember my dad she’s starting to forget my mom.
My two oldest has the strongest memories of my parents. Charlie and Serenity…We have no other family but ourselves and I get sad thinking one day they may not even have me. My brothers are gone, my Sister. My heart completely breaks at that thought.
It’s getting close to that time where the season is about to change. Soon Summer of swimming, sweating our asses off from the ungodly heat will begin to fade and Fall and football will be in our path.
Along with the dreams of my family which seem to lurk with every change of weather, into my sub conscious mind and seem to burst out with a cruel “hello” as I sleep.
Recently I’ve had issues with work, fake friends, marital problems, and just plain loneliness which make their memories and reality of them not being a phone call away that much more unbearable for me. I try to breathe through every thought of my brother’s Randy and Kenneth’s laughter, close my eyes at my dad’s “I love you peanut” and my sister’s phone call of exiting new adventure she wanted to tell me about with a “CHERYL, OMG!” The worst though…Always the worst….My mom. Everything about her. Her complete honesty in anything and everything.
Openness to accepting anyone,
Unbound love of her children, Grandchildren,
ability to laugh in the best of times and even the worst of them.
Her hugs were magic in any problem that I had was made invisible just by her genuine touch of being a loving mom… This has been a VERY rough week man. There are so many things I would love to just talk to her about. Tell her, cry on her shoulder and have her hug them all away for me.
Fucking bullshit life…
She taught me to see the good in everyone but it seems to be getting harder and harder for me to do that and I feel like I can’t keep doing it without her encouraging me.
The first of the changing seasons dreams came last Friday. I had a fucked up meeting with my boss, fought with my husband, it was just a shitty day all together. I was going on 48hrs with no sleep and when I finally dozed off at 10:30pm I found myself standing in Cub foods grocery dept. (A store kind of like a smaller version of Wal Mart from back in the day). I was leaning over the frozen food with a package of chicken in my hand when my brother Randy comes swinging around the aisle with a cart full of food singing my childhood nickname…”T…o…m…m…i…e…G…i…r….l….{LAUGHS}” he said it again when I see my dad next to me holding his ever so loved chocolate donuts in the white and blue packages, just smiling when all of a sudden he said: “Peanut?” I felt my mom behind me as her arms reached around me with the biggest hug and she laughed and said: “What’s wrong baby?” I dropped the chicken and with my right hand I reached over and ran my fingers through her hair and said “Mom…and started to cry. My dad said “Wanda, it’s because we’re dead. she’s sad and lonely.” My brother Randy: “Sad? Tommie-Girl, we love you.” and he was gone…My dad…gone…I said one more time: “Mom…please…” She faded away and just like that, they were all three gone and I woke up to my fucking alarm going off telling me it was time to go to miserable work. Sometimes the dreams are welcoming.
Comforting to my spirit but man, sometimes they are so real I wake up forgetting they are actually dead. It’s as if I lose them all over again.
Serenity will be graduating this year and they won’t be there to see her walk across the stage. It was as if her very first day of pre school was yesterday and my mom and me were on pins and needles all afternoon.
It’ll be a tough Fall season man.
I wish they could still be here.

Selah~
CHERyL