April 2012
Monthly Archive
April 30, 2012
WRITTEN: January 6, 2011
I think it’s pretty safe to say that when my family all passed away that the Holidays would never be the same for me.
Every year since each of there deaths December comes along and with every passing year it becomes the longest month of the entire year. I feel the roller coaster of emotions starting in October, by Thanksgiving I’m wishing Christmas would be over and done.
It’s not fair to my kids.
I put on this “happy face” all throughout the Season but they aren’t stupid, they know.
Putting up the tree was a united event, now I put it up and decorate it while everyone is at school/work so it’s done and not prolonged into an all day thing.
I still have my parents Christmas Ornaments with each person in the families name on them, with each one I place on the tree I can’t help but cry an ocean of tears. Sometimes when it begins to get cold and the Christmas stuff is everywhere in stores I feel so overwhelmed for the next few months.
I cry at the drop of a hat,
I can’t think straight,
I feel an unbearable sadness,
a sense of loss as if there deaths were just yesterday.
To this very moment I can’t think of any of them without weeping.
My mom and her amazing hugs.
My dad and his ability to read my thoughts and make me see the brighter side to any situation.
My brothers Randy…Kenneth…Terry…laughing at anything and never ending a conversation w/out saying “I love you” and my sister Tina…never saying the words “good bye” and no conversation would ever be complete without her trying to talk me into moving to Florida to be near her and her children…
I have a thousand regrets and a million “if only’s…”
If I think of them for too long my stomach will begin to get into knots and sometimes I even pull over my car on the side of the road because I need a moment to re-group and get myself together.
I feel so lost without them.
Empty…alone…afraid…even at times, desperate….in a way I feel abandoned. I dream about them ALL of the time and waking up almost feels as if I’ve lost them all over again and I wonder how God can be so cruel as to allow me to dream of them, their faces are so clear, I can almost still smell my mothers perfume after waking up to find she’s not here, she’s not alive. They are all gone…I can’t even count on one hand how many times one of my children or my husband will walk in as I’m still dreaming and they hear me call out to her…”Mom…?” My youngest will usually touch my leg and say “It’s okay Mommy” while my other children won’t speak at all. My husband goes back and forth. Sometimes he will say “It’s me Cheryl” while other times he simply will close the door quietly.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I feel like I could possibly be the loneliest person in the entire world.
I’m trying so hard to grasp an understanding of why I still grieve each of them. It’s been so long since they’ve died yet it’s still, right there. I can feel my heart beat and see my chest shake with each beat. I have this mind set of having a glass half full yet I am struggling with throwing it up against a wall and cursing God for taking ALL of them away so soon, too soon. I feel like I was cheated. I get angry that I can’t call one of them, or hug my mom when I’m sad or need a “Thomas Ingram pep talk.”
I have so many things on my mind and yet I have no one I feel to talk too about any of it.
People all have their own life, people are busy my husband deals with enough..It would be unfair to speak to any of my kids so I sit.
I drive to the airport and I sit there…
I should be talking to God but I turn off everything radio included and I sit.
I think I sit there so long sometimes so I can remember how to breathe. I watch the planes and remember how when I was little this was my mom’s favorite place to relax. She was afraid to fly yet always said she wanted to be on a plane so it would “take me to anywhere.” I can remember her face as she would watch them fly over us sitting there and she looked so at peace…Complete serenity. I truly miss her. I still need her, I still need them all and I don’t know how to cope without them. I reach to be happy, but it’s so hard. I feel selfish. I should be thankful for the time I had but I can not help but to be a bit bitter. At the very time I started to realize what I actually had it was stolen and taken from me…How is that even remotely fair?
Here I am, a new year, and all I’m asking God for is a do over.
I want them all back.
I want peace of mind.
To be happy, content, loved, accepted and …sigh…it’s an unreasonable request, I know. It simply can’t be granted, they are gone. and I’m left to deal with it and I really don’t know how.
I’m beginning to think it’s impossible.
I find myself living day to day…trying to cope with to much loss for one person to handle and at the same time try, try having a glass half full mind set…
I want to be fixed and all I feel is forgotten.
Selah~
April 30, 2012
WRITTEN: Monday, April 11, 2011
I realize that by working third shift yet having to take my kids to school in the morning, there is a little span of time in the morning where I’m trying to fall back to sleep, that I have too much time to ponder.
Thinking to much can cause problems.
For me anyway.
Sometimes it would be better if I could just shut my eyes and immediately be asleep. However, never the case.
Not in my world anyhow.
It’s funny really how when I look back at when I was younger, I think of where I thought my life would be.
There are only traces of the dreams I had for myself…
I find if I think about it to much it only gets me sad.
When you are an “adult” with “adult” responsibility you don’t always have choices. There are those moments in life where you do what is right in general and not always what could be right for you. Does that make sense?
And before you even say it, I KNOW it’s NOT fair but we’ve all heard it. Life is not always fair.
I agree the choices we make get us to a certain point in our life but sometimes, just sometimes fate plays a cruel hand that will never allow us a “do over” and there is the place your heart will be forced to adapt too forever…fair or not, you’re there.
I think for some people it can be a sense of comfort, and security while for others it can be the loneliest place on earth.
My mom taught me a lot of things, but one most important lesson was that of sacrifice.
I would ask her ever so often about certain situations and she would just say “Tommie-Girl, it’s the price you pay for sacrifice. that and the fact there is not always a choice to do it.” It wasn’t until now that I understand where she was coming from and what she meant.
Yeah, life isn’t fair…and it’s funny that almost no one can really say they are where they expected to be, but ya know, you do what you have to.
You can’t always choose to be selfish.
Selah~
April 30, 2012
WRITTEN: April 13, 2011
It was 9:45pm on a Sunday evening and the guest speaker was just starting his SECOND offering speech for the night, when i leaned to my friend and
said:
“It’s late, you wanna go?”
He quickly responded with:
“Let’s go.”
As we got up from our seats my 13 year old son, his 15 year old friend, my 17 year old daughter, myself and Eriksen walked briskly toward the door when all of a sudden it happened.
The voice!
LOUD…
STERN…
CONDESCENDING…
From the “stage” announced these INSANE words,
“We are trying to give an offering for an amazing man of God, but you go, don’t let us stop you from trying to beat traffic.”
WTF?
SERIOUSLY?
I usually pride myself on speaking my mind and telling an ignorant ass all about themselves but I did have children with me.
And…I was in … ch…ur…ch…Although THAT was totally NOTHING Jesus would EVER say or do.
maybe one day that idiot will come across my blog. Or perhaps someone who knows him. I decided to say what was on my mind that evening.
1st Sooooo glad my husband was NOT there to witness that complete IGNORANCE.
You see, he has been burnt by a few Holier than though assholes before and it’s been a VERY long, hard journey to even GET him IN a church let alone speak of one.
2nd YOU’RE the idiot people talk about when you invite them to church and they crinkle up their nose at how “The Pastor is always asking for money and they make you feel guilty when you don’t give.”
I’ve heard it a million times and although I’m the one who usually will say “No one should keep you from fellowshipping with the body” ect, ect I now can RELATE to how they feel.
You may have a big church in Clear water, Florida and you may have sold thousands of praise and worship cd’s, and you may travel across Country being a guest speaker at churches all across the United States but YOU sir, are in NO way, whatsoever…A Pastor.
Why?
Because you’re an idiot.
A greedy, nasty, money hungry, ass. You should be ashamed of yourself.
No mere man should NEVER make ANYONE feel like shit because they have nothing to put into the plate, or…hold your breath on this one… CHOOSE NOT TO PUT MONEY IN THE PLATE.
To even go so far and say that if we were dancing, praising and hollering a few moments earlier, we SHOULD have a white envelope in our hand with money in it to give now that we had received.
SERIOUSLY?
The last time I checked my dear misguided fool, Jesus didn’t NEED me to PAY Him so I could freely worship Him.
I was so disappointed that the pastor just sat there and allowed this moron to insult his congregation the way he did.
It was sick.
A disgrace to the Kingdom actually.
I’m sure all of Heaven was heartbroken by your condemnation and self righteous greed.
JUST FOR THE RECORD we wanted to leave earlier after your stupid RACIAL remarks and ignorant rant about beating children but we were TRYING to be respectful and listen.
However, after 3 hours of your chaotic, non sensible “sermon” we were READY to go. Not to mention it was 9:45pm and my children had school in the morning!!!
Here’s a newsflash for you. When begging for money, don’t ever try and use GUILT as your shoe in. Reason being…Times are hard you condescending prick and when you are bragging about your $10,000 dollar check and I’m wondering where tomorrows dinner is gonna come from I don’t need you to make me feel as though I should put $20.00 in the plate and all my issues will dissapear…Because guess what? When someone who doesn’t know their bible reads into YOUR lying bullshit and they put their LAST twenty bucks in the plate they are going to wonder why Jesus allowed there electric to be shut off.
YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.
How pathetic and disgraceful to have such a UNITY within the body during worship and everyone in one accord only to have you vomit your greedy condemnation all over them an hour later.
the ONLY good thing is that you WILL be accountable for every nasty, UNTRUE remark you made from that pulpit because God, He don’t like ugly.
He doesn’t like greed either so prepare yourself.
You have NO idea what someones situation is you self absorbent fuck. they could have just lost there home,
buried a child,
lost a job,
or actually NEEDED to pay rent!
REGARDLESS the reason to not putting money in the plate is totally NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.
That’s right, NONE of your damn business.
Why?
Because it is between THAT individual and God.
Imagine that.
I don’t need YOU to tell ME what I should be giving to God, because I can give to God in a NUMBER of ways which never HAS to include money! (GASP!)
I realize church electric needs paid, gas, water, ect, ect I wasn’t born yesterday BUT…that should be a given and if you need to GUILT your congregation into giving in order for those things to be paid for then maybe, just MAYBE you need to seek the Lord about what in the hell is going on.
Nobody should EVER leave a church feeling like a pile of absolute shit.
So go on…
take your l’il $10,000 dollar check,
fancy suit,
bug eyed,
lame talent
and go fuck yourself all the way back to Florida, and when you get there. Ask God to give you a clue…dumb ass.
Signed,
a NON PAYING worshiper ~
April 28, 2012
MAY 29TH 2011
1. No, you cannot use a ziploc bag as a condom.
2. Really? You seriously do NOT know what abstinence means?
3. Yes, you CAN STILL get pregnant using birth control. People have been lying to you.
4. ANYTIME you have sex there is a chance you CAN get pregnant, A~N~Y~T~I~M~E.
5. Just because YOU assisted in the pregnancy does not mean YOU get to decide on HER choice.
6. The RU486 is not a damn tylenol, it IS an abortion. Abortion…abortion, say it over and over until you get it…abortion…
7. The morning after pill isn’t a bag of chips, you don’t keep taking them every single time you act irresponsible with your sexual lifestyle.
8. What do you mean exactly by “accidentally” had sex? And how do you “accidentally” have sex?
9. Yes…You REALLY CAN LIVE WITHOUT HAVING SEX, people do it all of the time. No pun intended 😉
10. No honey…I would almost bet the farm your boyfriend is NOT quicker than the sperm jetting out of his penis. The “pull out method” is NOT a form of birth control, he lied to you.
11. The answer has been the same since 1954…YES YOU CAN GET PREGNANT WHILE ON TOP.
12. Just because you’re a virgin does NOT mean you CAN’T get pregnant the first time you have sex.
13. Why of course, I, too am pretty upset that MY tax dollars won’t pay for YOUR irresponsibility.
14. There are more laws regarding abortion other than it JUST being legal to do…idiot.
15. Just because you take a piss before sex does NOT mean your sperm won’t get some girl pregnant, I mean are you flippin’ serious???
ON A SERIOUS NOTE: Sexual education has OBVIOUSLY FAILED somewhere along the way. TALK to your children, TEACH them REAL and honest truth.
~TO BE CONTINUED…
CHERyL
April 28, 2012
DECEMBER 30TH 2010
I’ve often asked myself: “What do women do during their mid life crisis?” It’s a question that I’m most sure others of my gender have asked as well.
I believe as women we get so caught up in this “men suck” mind set the world has pushed in our faces that we tend to forget why we were created in the first place.
To be a HELP MATE.
So many things God placed in our laps as Mother’s, wives, daughters, Aunts…and on top of everything we can’t lose sight of who we are as women either.
Our gender, let’s be honest are amazing listeners, comforters, peace makers, friends…If you stop to ponder it’s totally overwhelming the amount of WHOLESOME responsibility The Father placed in our hearts. Our entire being seems to be made up of “nurturing instinct” to care for, listen to, or to simply be there for whomever may need or want it. Everyone meaning from the stranger at the gas station who has told you the most intimate details of her life without even knowing your name all the way to our little babies at home who thinks a hug from Mommy will cure all life’s illnesses 🙂
I think this is such a beautiful gift God has given to us yet in the 21st Century it’s made to seem ugly.
Biting your tongue as a woman used to be a strength, now it’s looked upon as a weakness.
A hard lesson to learn when I’m nearing 40, had 4 children and still realizing the basics of a good wife 😉
There is a saying that goes, “it is better to remain quiet and allow others to THINK you a fool…then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
I get so blown out of my own mind with HAVING to make MY point that I forget the very basis of who I am as a woman. The help mate…So much craziness my poor husband deals with, and as a private man he doesn’t even always tell me…and how am I helping him by running my mouth? Who does it benefit me voicing my anger towards him?
Absolutely no one.
I still am learning, everyday.
My anger and frustrations for things I don’t understand about him should be told to God, in complete private and yet I fail at this on a constant everyday basis. It totally sucks because I hurt no one but my husband, my children and myself.
Sometimes I believe that when God said to “be still and know I am god” He probably meant it for women right smack in the very middle of an argument with their husband. So we could just shut up.
I hate more than seafood to admit that awful truth.
I NEED to be more helpful, and the fact is as women, sometimes the most helpful we can be…is to simply for the moment, hush…and later vent to God. 😉
Selah~
CHERyL
April 28, 2012
October 7th 2010
Standing in the boat in the middle of a storm looking out at Jesus I don’t know if I would have EVER stepped out into the sea like Peter did. Waves crashing along side the boat, the howling winds blowing so strong…I can’t imagine how scary that would have been. Once he stepped out he was totally vulnerable.Then I think how my Mother raised me to be. I have always been that person who takes steps in unknown territory! My whole life I’ve walked around with a glass that to the world may SEEM half empty but to me, has always been nothing BUT half full. Laughing when everything around me is in complete chaos and toasting my cup to the world with a big “PISS OFF!” It’s frightening to wear your heart at the end of your sleeve because it leaves you open to vulnerabilities, very true! It’s so much easier to become hurt, lose at love, feel pain of a broken heart and fall into a desperate sadness. However, closing yourself up to all of those same emotions leave you lonely. Staying fearful to vulnerabilities can keep you from truly falling in love, Or being overwhelmed with complete joy or even experiencing life to it’s fullest extent! Why would you risk all of those things simply because you are scared to open yourself up and breathe in life? Being to afraid to take a step into the unknown.TODAY IS THE DAY you should promise yourself to LIVE….because you aren’t afraid to. Everything for me is a learning process. Once you have been inside yourself for so long for one reason or another you need to give yourself time to speak up…then move on to laughing out loud…finding yourself and eventually being COMFORTABLE with yourself. And if you get hurt you get hurt, you fall off the horse you don’t let it run off, you get up, wipe off, grab the saddle and get right back on. If you don’t, you’ll regret it forever. The whole theory about if you’ve never had something you won’t ever miss it, is a complete lie. You will miss living your life…something inside of you will NEVER be right. Being scared to TRY is alot easier than being angry for not trying. People will always try and knock you down but you can’t allow that to be the final say in your own life. It shouldn’t be the deciding factor on whether or not you are going to let yourself be who you are. Being yourself is the best gift you can ever give to yourself, your future husband/wife…children, friends ect…Now staying TRUE to all of that is a whole different blog (LOL!) But for now…the very first step is to just know it’s OKAY to BE vulnerable. It’s OKAY to glide into unknown territory that once had yellow tape across it that read CAUTION and at the very least replace it with a “proceed with caution” either way…PROCEED.
Selah,
CHERyL~
April 28, 2012
October 10th 2010
That crazy feeling that everyone and anyone is out to get you.It just happens.Your whole life you stand and believe that one day all of the efforts you have put into action will finally grant you acceptance. But then cold, harsh reality sets in and once again life and it’s cruel little minions remind you that it just will never be possible.No matter the reason, it could be the way you look, the style of clothing you wear, your smile just isn’t right or you just don’t look the part of what acceptance is in the eyes of other people.You try your best not to allow it to bother you but it’s simply impossible because out of all the differences people in the world have, the one thing that remains is…EVERYONE needs to feel like they are accepted.And when you aren’t…you feel as though you are the loneliest person in the world. It takes a toll on everything around you.Your job,your children,your husband,even how you view yourself…Screaming at the top of every roof “YOUR OPINIONS WILL NOT DEFINE ME!” However deep inside your soul you and God know that it most certainly does.And no matter how many showers you take the faucet can never pour out enough water to clean the emptiness you are tortured with so you just stand there, leaning against the wall with your hands on your face and cry and cry and cry….It’s worse that those you are surrounded by the most don’t even see it…or is it that they don’t really care to?Life is cruel.The people who mattered most, who loved you the most, who accepted you…always were stricken and stolen way to soon and you are just left wondering why?What have you done that was ever so bad to leave you like this? Feeling lost, abandoned and unaccepted with no one to understand, relate or sympathize.But yet you have no choice but to move forward.All you can do is tuck away the sad, broken heart and crushed spirit and place very slowly one step in front of the other.Regardless if you are ever to be loved and accepted for the person you are it’s completely irrelevant with you to just…keep…moving…
Selah…
CHERyL~
April 28, 2012
I WROTE THIS BLOG ON OCTOBER 13TH 2010.
I couldn’t do it. With my breath held and fingers clinched to my steering wheel I couldn’t get off of the exit ramp that lead to the house I grew up in as a child. I drove right past it and my eyes were filling with salt water by the time I got off of the next exit to turn around.
As I approached the stop light to turn right towards forgetting what I was trying to do I decided to go straight through it, right to the curve around that long stretch of road that lead to my old neighborhood. I past the place where three generations of my family would vote and volunteered at the polls every election…a little further and it was the grocery store that I would ride my bike to or walk with my brother to get “little mugs” for fifty cents. My heart was pounding right out of my chest. I’ve only driven through this old familiar neighborhood a total of three times since the death of my parents and every time was harder than the last, this time was no exception.
With every look at something I tried to remember a time or conversation with my mom and dad…I miss them.
They were indeed the strongest people I ever knew.
When my father was stricken with his brain cancer so quickly he never once did not think positive or allow me to see him cry.
He was so strong.
Just like a Marine.
Even to the very end…In the midst of his seizure as he was trying desperately to get out his last words to me they weren’t anything about fear, or sadness…Only concern and sadness for what my mom, brothers, sister and I were about to go through from losing him.
“I can die tomorrow Tommie-Girl and be with Jesus, or I can be healed and stay here with you all…either way baby, it’s a win-win.” He would say that all of the time as if to try and comfort me with a hidden agenda of preparation for his death. However you are NEVER prepared for the death of a parent. Especially so soon after a diagnosis.
My mom was the same way.
The sicker she became the more at peace she seemed to be.
As long as I live I will never know how she did it.
Smiles all around for her, always, always. I can’t even count how many times I would sit at her bedside and just cry as her memory became more and more distant of who my husband was, my children and soon myself… I would read her the bible and every so often she would put her hands over mine and look me in the face with such a gentleness no words could ever describe or feeling explained.
She was so beautiful.
Even for as sick as she was she NEVER lost that beauty, her joy…
She would wipe my face from my tears and say “it’s okay…it’s okay Tommie-Girl…I love you, I love you.” I would try to explain; “Mom…” and she would never let me finish before saying “no, no..now c’mon, be happy.”
Sitting at the doctor’s today I was so overwhelmed and yet thinking about it, what I am facing is so crazy minimal in comparison to what they both endured. I’m almost ashamed to say I’ve been crying all day over this stupid diagnosis of Crohns but I just can’t help it. I’m obviously not as strong as my parents, I’m so scared. I have no clue as to the road set before me, no one can give me a straight answer only that I’m “more ill than they thought.”
What does that even mean?
Feeling sorry for myself is not an option but I can’t help but to weep for my mom and long for her to say it’s going to be okay or my pops telling me we will get through this together…I would like to say I have no bitterness but that would be a bold face lie.
I am angry.
It has not been long enough to get past this grief I have to deal with this Crohns Disease.
Friendships that are as the wind, broken heart, struggle, frustration, sadness I do NOT have time for this right now.
Am I losing my mind?
I keep smiling, I keep moving forward, I look at my glass half full always…Yet I am so so very tired.
All I know is that I came from good stock as they say 🙂
I will eventually see the light at the end of this long drawn out tunnel and be able to smile through it all and laugh…laugh with such passion my family will hear me all the way in Heaven.
I just wish…for one moment, one small private moment I could hear them laugh with me.
Selah~
CHERyL
April 24, 2012
Turning 40 was a big deal for me. Not in the way any of you are thinking but in a “sigh of relief” kind of way. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think I would be where I’m at in life today. For some odd reason I never seen myself as being married and a mother of 4. I always thought my parents would still be alive at this stage in my life as well as my brothers and sister. Never in my life would I have imagined what life gave to me instead. I love being a mom. It’s the best job I’ve ever had and the hardest but yet most rewarding. I wouldn’t change it for ANYTHING.
Married life is just as crazy. You have your ups and your downs but the key is to never stop laughing with your spouse. People are so quick to call it quits but a good marriage, a REALLY good marriage will wade through the worst and eventually the best will find its way back to you. It’s all about consistency. When one of you can’t be the stronger one of you need to step it up until they are. It’s work, but the marriages that last 5 or more decades will tell you…”For better OR worse…” and MEAN it.
Being raised Southern Baptist certain traditions have followed me into my adult life but turning 40 and going through the past 6 1/2 years I realize I need to start over with my relationship with Jesus. It’s not about me and other people but just HIM and I. Things I was taught and learned need to be re-evaluated and prayed through. I’m okay with that. Because I know God is faithful. You’re never too old to learn and grow spiritually.
I’m pretty Conservative although I’ve been told I have very Liberal edges and I embrace that. My Political views and opinions have gotten me into some heated conversation and I’m prone to speaking my mind even if I’m the ONLY one who thinks a certain way. I’m all for gun rights, equal rights (for EVERYONE) flat rate tax, I’m VERY ANTI~ABORTION and I stand my ground with that, I may not participate in illegal substances. However, I’m all for the legalization of certain ones. Supporting small businesses, having MAJOR welfare reform, and cutting ridiculous Government spending. I could go on and on. I’m not a fan of either Political party and I feel as though America for so long has voted for a political party when in fact we need to simply vote for a President period.
My heart is completely worn right there on my sleeve. Everything you see is exactly what you will get and I’m okay with that too. Does it leave me vulnerable? Absolutely. For a long time I closed myself off to that and it was a HUGE mistake. When you shut yourself off to the things that make you, you, there is so much of yourself you lose that eventually when you decide to go back to the REAL you’ll need to regain all of that confidence you tossed out simply because of fear of being OPEN. Hurting sucks. But being loved, laughing with people, enjoying life from the littlest of things to the biggest of things is worth that vulnerability. Believe me, it totally is.
Last…Music. I ADORE it…Everything from southern gospel to hardcore heavy metal there is NOTHING I won’t listen to. Every so often I’ll even listen to techno (Shhhh…Don’t tell my husband!)
So there you all have it. A tad bit about me. I hope I haven’t worried you or scared you 😉 I hope you follow me I promise I won’t look at you strange for making that move towards this crazy nut who blogs at random about anything. It’s life…Let’s learn to live it together.
Selah~
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