Gesuschic

WRITTEN: August 30th 2011

It’s about that time.
Where the Season is almost over.
Soon the leaves will change, the wind will pick up and the nights will get a tad bit colder.
I absolutely love the Fall but it seems as though grief finds me more within the changing period.
It’s not just about my family. This time of year it’s always more.
I begin to dream about my past.
Lost friendships,
memories of places I’ve been,
love…broken and forgotten.
Empty promises from people who you thought would love you forever begin to creep in, take hold of your dreams, invade your sleep and all with a vengeance.
Almost as a killer in the night with the sharpest blade, slicing through every scar as it once again becomes an opened wound.
Sigh.
Sorrow seems to find me so much easier than it did before.
Maybe that’s the down side of becoming older, who knows?
However it sucks.
It’s hard to stay angry when your heart still aches…Everyone has a time in their life where the good actually out weighed the bad.
Sadly within that same time you were the most vulnerable. Everything that made you feel so alive could brake you all the same.
Like a lose-lose situation in a way. You want to love, but not experience loss.
You want to laugh but never feel the tears of sadness trickle down your face.
To breath every little thing of life in…yet scared to death to exhale in fear you might blink and it’s all gone.
“Life goes on…”
people tell you that all of the time but they never tell you HOW..How do you make your life “go on” in the midst of lonely…regret?
The should of,
could of,
and would of’s are what will kill you.
Haunt you…
If I had everything to do all over again I would most certainly tell my dad I loved him so much more than I did. Hug my mom a thousand more times a day…laughed more with my brothers and sister and told that one person how I truly felt but never did.
I wouldn’t miss ANY opportunity that came my way weather it have been in education, occupation, love or just plain ‘ole laughter!
All my regrets would have been overshadowed and out weighed by the joy I would have found in just LIVING.
If only…

Selah~
CHERyL

WRITTEN: August 25th 2011

Such a big thing right now…
Everywhere you turn Christian or not someone is talking about “gay rights.” As I struggle with the traditionalism I was raised with I try to push through for the sake of my much needed spiritual growth.
Please don’t get me wrong or misrepresent what I’m saying here. To me spiritual growth is NOT a nice way to say spiritual ignorance 😉
Got it?
Then we shall move on with the blog….
Looking at Webster’s definition on affirming my traditional programmed way of thinking immediately I would have to say there is NO WAY I am “gay affirming” but before you delete my Facebook friendship and stop reading this blog, wait a second and allow me to explain.
To validate, or state as a fact, or to..ahem…affirm Gay’s is not my problem. Simply because I look at EVERYONE as having a right to be at the feet of Jesus, period.
I’m not a Biblical Scholar or even a Biblical Theologian, and I may not have memorized the entire book of Psalms, however I DO know from where I have come and that is just some loser whore who had three baby daddy’s to my 4 kids who fell right at the feet of someone who PROMISED to love ME without any condition.
My relationship with Jesus is a no strings attached kind of commitment.
I don’t know if I can “declare my support” for gay Pastor’s, Clergy ect I honestly just DON’T KNOW HOW I feel about that yet.
Or even gay marriage…
I don’t know! Not even 50 years ago bi-racial couples were not looked upon as “acceptable.” Or 40 years ago women behind the Pulpit was deemed blasphemous and unheard of.
But what I DO know is God is God and I’m not. It’s not MY job or anyone else to say who is getting into Heaven or not…Are there consequences for sin? OF COURSE, but we ALL fall short of the Glory of God (Romans 3:23) Not a few of us, not some, ALL of us. 
Do I think homosexuality is a sin…perhaps. Do I think it will keep one out of Heaven…No way. 
If that were the case, NONE of us would EVER see the face of Jesus. Climb up out of Daddy’s throne for a second and THINK about it. Ponder on weather or not you have the balls to pick up those stones and start aiming at gay affirming spiritual family.  For your sake I hope you ponder hard before Jesus calls you out on the carpet about your sin. 
Look, I admit I’m not standing on the bandwagon of Jay Bakker’s opinion on the gay and lesbian community, but I am sitting on the bumper of the wagon with my feet dangling back and forth. 
People are waaay to angry about this and they need to chill out. The Conservative Christians are screaming hell, fire and brimstone while the liberal Christian is screaming you HAVE to be this way and ALL OF US AS A BODY are losing FOCUS of what we were called and told to do in the first place. 
Do ANY of you even remember?
Gay affirming 
or not.
Do you remember what WE, as The Body of Christ were called and told to do? 
Allow this poor, white trash, forgotten whore to remind you 😉  
“And He said unto them,
GO YE INTO ALL THE WORLD, AND PREACH THE GOSPEL TO EVERY CREATURE. He that believeth and is baptized SHALL BE SAVED; but he that believeth NOT shall be damned.” (Mark 16:15-16)
The GOSPEL by the way isn’t a “let me tell you how to be” Testimonial of God either. It’s a Hear me…Jesus loves YOU…
And your job at that point is DONE. God doesn’t need you to be His hero, only His example.
Besides, His is waaaaaaaay better than ours any day 😉
You disagree?
When was the last time you washed the feet of the person who betrayed you the most?
“Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, of a truth I perceive that God is NO respecter of persons: But in every Nation he that feareth Him, and working righteousness, IS ACCEPTED WITH HIM.” (Acts 10:34-35) What IS righteousness? To be without shame? Guilt? Sin? 
I hate to burst your homophobic bubble but NONE of us will EVER have ANY of those thing’s until we get Home. 
I was raised Southern Baptist so allow me to say this: “IN CLOSING….” lol Sorry, it was getting tense for you I know, so I wanted to help relieve some of your pressure. Seriously though, I was at Kroger with my 9yr old son. We were walking towards the cereal when two men were coming from the same aisle. Turning the corner we nearly ran into them. 
They were holding hands. 
 We all said “sorry, excuse me…”
They passed as we walked on and Ezra said: “Mommy, why were they holding hands?” At first I lied and said that I didn’t know but I felt like an ass so I stopped right in the aisle and said “Well Ezra, why am I holding your hand baby?” He looked up at me,
smiled so innocently and said with the utter most confidence: “Because you love me…” 

Let God be God my family…and we’ll stick to just loving one another,
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: August 4th 2011

 So here it is 2:30am I’m all alone driving down the road and all of a sudden everything that screams “BAD NEWS” when your car is about to die happens.
I pulled right into a parking lot, right when I placed the car in park it happened…
Dead.
Ugh…
Calling everyone I would think would be up at that hour to NO avail.
I in Cheryl like fashion went into immediate panic mode.
Calling my husband,
daughter,
son,
and of course no one can hear their phone or weren’t in the same room as their phones.
Again,
ugh….
FINALLY got a hold of my daughter who got her dad, my husband.
Granted he’s not supposed to drive at night but I was in sheer panic. I HATE being by myself late at night anyway, but to be broken down? That is THE worst.
Thank God he got there my heartbeat went to throbbing to calm as he said words of encouragement about everything being ok.
Thinking I needed a jump, I popped the hood only to see it, there, looking at me as if to say a big “FUCK YOU FOR BEING POOR.” The serpentine belt to my car just laying there…bastard.
Thank God for Progressive Insurance! They tow your car ya know? I strongly recommend them. Nicest people ever…even at 3am in the morning to a panicked crazy lady;)
They said it would be an hour…
40min later there the tow truck guy was in all his glory! I was so happy to see him.
My husband asked him “You want us to follow!?”
“Ummm nah, I’ll follow you if that’s okay. I know where you are, but it’ll be easier to find your drive way if you’re ahead of me.”
So off we went!
About 5min down the road my husbands cell rings.
It was progressive with a recording saying “Your tow truck will arrive in approx 20min.”
My husband laughed as he stated “wow they’re on top of things huh?”
Until I opened my big mouth with: “Great, if they’re going to be another 20min who in the hell is this with my car attached to his truck that we’re leading right into our driveway?” I laughed out loud and continued with “Suuure he knew where to go…of course it would be easier for us to pull in first, so we couldn’t get out maybe.” My husband looked at me with a glare in his eye, his smile wiped away and sternly said “there is something wrong with you. Why the hell would you even say that? It’s 3:30 in the damn morning and now I don’t even want to pull into the house…You know? THIS is why Serenity (our oldest child a tad obsessed with the dark side 😉 is so crazy…You watch way to much of that Criminal Minds shit Cheryl….Good Lord what the hell…? What were you thinking to say that shit right now?”
I could not help myself from laughing the whole way home. I guess I didn’t think about that thought spooking the shit outta him. I just thought, well, guess I didn’t think!
Hahaha
Maybe I do watch too much of Criminal Minds, Law And Order, NCIS, and any other fake, or real life crime show that’s on television. However BECAUSE of that I would be the girl who makes it into the sequel! (happy thought?)
TRUE STORY.
If I hear a noise at my front door I DO NOT GO OUT THERE!
If I pull into the house and my front door is open…I sure as hell won’t go in!
These are the things people need to think about you know!
Although….We did drive into the driveway with the tow truck behind us…

Until next time…DON’T EVER OPEN THE DOOR 😉

CHERyL~

WRITTEN: July 23rd 2011

 I remember the neighbor down the street from us died. He was a mean old man never smiled or offered a hello to anyone. 
Everyone was going to his funeral, including my mom. 
I was confused when I didn’t see my dad getting dressed and asked if he was going with us to pay his respects. “For what?” he asked me…I shrugged my shoulders and said “I don’t really know I guess.”
As a former Marine who served three tours of duty in Viet Nam my father was never at a loss for words or telling you exactly as he saw it. 
I stood there not really knowing what to say and my dad looked at me and said “Tommie-Girl, it doesn’t matter to me when someone so cruel, so mean and no compassion dies. I wasn’t their friend alive…and I’m not going to lie about it now that they are dead. Orval was a VERY mean man. Mean to everyone around here including that sweet wife…I’m not going to his funeral and put on a pretend sad face when I truly could care less.” 
You can just imagine my shocked face hearing my dad sound so harsh. But even though I was so young I remember it, and now can honestly say I understand exactly what he meant. 
 This year has been so extreme in re-learning biblical things. From homosexuality to traditionalism, all the way down to forgiveness….and grace. I have felt so spiritually numb a LONG ass time I am not even confident if I could still hear the voice of God let alone doing what He leads me to do. 
It’s ironic that a few short weeks ago I blogged about when do certain people get what goes around after being so cruel to people. Reason being one of those people I have recently found out has Cancer. The same Cancer my Dad died from. 
Stage 4
A year at the most.
I had loved this person for so long.
Looked to him as a father,
friend,
Spiritual authority…
But he did such a nasty thing to someone I care deeply for. Without no bounds of giving one single shit it affected our life, our spiritual walk, nothing. Then…when I needed him the most he wouldn’t even bury my mother. 
Not for any other reason than to be able to make my husband grovel for a forgiveness he wasn’t ever going to get anyway. 
Sickening. 
When I think about it I still want to vomit. 
Where is MY grace?
Compassion?
Mercy?
Forgiveness?
I wish I knew. But it’s no where in sight, reach or grasp of me, anywhere.
Not one tear has been shed for this man from my eye. Not one elevated heart beat of concern. 
Sigh….
For a brief moment I thought that we should at least go and see him, for what I have no clue…Certainly not closure. But my husband quickly said “No way…” 
My heart is breaking for his beautiful wife who never showed me anything but complete love and pure respect. 
His children…
But it ends RIGHT THERE. 
It sounds so mean but I told him when my mom died four years ago, that one day…one day he would want compassion and he wouldn’t get it and I pray that at that very moment he would remember what he DIDN’T do for my mother. 
I doubt very seriously he has even had one night sleep lost because of my mom, 
my husband…
anyone else he hurt. But still…It’s so ironic.am just at a loss of what to do. I wouldn’t even be able to guess as what the right thing is in this crazy situation. A friend said I should go and visit if anything for myself so I won’t regret. However, I have no desire to see him. For what? To throw hands up, speak of fake all is forgiven and forgotten in light of him dying? I don’t think I could do that. 
Simply because I DON’T feel that way.
I’m STILL very hurt.
Very angry… disappointed.
People can pull the grace card all they want but it doesn’t change the past. 
The fact people are STILL hurting so badly from things this person did or allowed to be done and said. Does someone dying trump all of their wrongs? Especially when they still feel as though they did nothing? 
I don’t want any biblical talk or scripture thrown at me either…I want SOLID, REAL, HONEST advice because anyone can quote a chapter and a verse. 
I understand when Pastor Nar says that “forgiveness doesn’t always mean that you condone that person’s actions” but for me it seems as though EVERYONE around has done nothing BUT condone this persona’s actions. 
There are consequences for standing behind a pulpit preaching love, love, love and being a complete ass to people when you’re not.  
I can’t be fake and act as though I’m just “soooo sad” when in all actuality, I’m really not. 
I don’t feel happy at all. I just feel like…”whatever…” which is just as bad as happy I think. Perhaps bitterness is getting the best part of me. 
But I adored my mom…
Loved my life and all of a sudden the things I thought were real, weren’t. 
It devastated me to learn that the men I counted on the MOST to be real and set things aside, didn’t. 
My life, the way I looked at God, strangers, friends…all changed and has NEVER been the same. It was a cliche’ you hear all of the time, “My reality check bounced.” Only it didn’t just bounce, it bounced up and smacked me in the face like a fuckin’ brick. 
So….
Now what?


Selah~
CHERyL

WRITTEN: July 9th 2011

There is nothing more horrible than people who REFUSE to look at your frustrations as valid and write them off as excuses.
I’m in a rather shitty mood today, a slight funk as well.
I just can’t understand how people can point out YOUR flaws yet stand by and excuse others who are so cruel, rude, arrogant and down right mean to people they see as weaker than themselves. 
I can’t just do that. 
As a woman number one I have EVERY right to voice my opinion on whatever I fucking feel like voicing my opinion on. 
Number two if you feel like shit how is it logical to make ME feel like shit? 
And before people go on and on about “you control your own atmosphere” or “you choose to live how you live” oh shut the hell up because that isn’t always the truth. 
I get grace…
I do…
I have needed it for myself PLENTY of times. Plus I have children and a husband…I’ve also extended grace a few times 😉 But to sit and glaze over the complete bullshit of people hurting other people by throwing the “grace card” around like it’s an excuse to be a dickhead is ridiculous. 
Although I have a Sailor mouth I am one of those people who generally always take the bible literal. That being said I also feel you can do that and STILL take it out of context. Grace should NEVER be an excuse to allow people in what they look to be “spiritual authority” to spiritually ABUSE others. 
I just think sometimes you may not be in the BEST situation for yourself, but there are those FEW times where it’s TRULY not your call. 
So if some bullshit goes on, I WILL say something. 
 Tolerating bully’s, arrogance, rudeness, and anything else you wanna throw in there is just unacceptable. 
Weather it’s ME you’re doing it to, or someone else I can SEE you doing it to. I’m not going to just sit and stand by while someone treats me or anyone else like shit. 
Honestly, if that person who is getting emotionally beat down to weak or insecure to stick up for themselves, then…HELLO, my name is “Opinion.” And I WILL share it with you. 

Good Day,
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: July 6th 2011

The words to a song just linger in my head over and over: “I am so homesick now,
for someone I never knew.
I am so homesick for some place I will never be…” 
In my head I have so many memories of who I thought I was and I was so sure of that girl.
It seems as I get older my assurances of self are fading as I try reaching for things that are just no longer there.
I smile, laugh, taking steps forward but truth of the matter I feel I’m getting absolutely nowhere.
Kind of like walking up hill in cold ass wind and rain. Your destination is about a half mile before you yet the surroundings make it seem a 1,000.
My husband said everything in a nutshell.
“I just feel so spiritually alone. I have been so hurt by so many in the church that were supposed to be my family, that I don’t trust anyone anymore and I don’t know what to do.”
We’ve been walking around feeling numb for so long that we stopped talking to each other. At last, truth is we BOTH feel so defeated. With only slight resemblances of who we once were but long to be again.
My whole life I thought at 40 I’d have all the answers but it turns out that is a crock. The older you get the more confused and lonely you become.
Experiencing more hurt, pain, disappointments it all adds up and eventually you just break and collapse.
I get that being broken and staying broken is the best place to be for a Christian. But my brokenness isn’t some spiritual realization…My brokenness, my husband’s brokenness is just pure pain. Pain from being disappointed by the church, each other, ourselves…
To the point we feel we have no right to even say we are Believers.
Not just because of our own struggles but also because of the representation of God out there today.
It’s like a lose-lose situation.
Where do you go when you just… are… done?
I still truly believe Jesus is the key for me.
But I gotta tell ya, I feel like someone in the ocean. Lost, in the middle of a storm…You see the rescuer. They are right there in front of you holding out their hand but you are just so spent from all the crashing, coldness, and trying to keep above water you have no strength to reach back. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world. Having once stood in the middle of all you believed only to have lost touch. For whatever reason it happens. It’s as if there is a drought in my soul…I’m waiting for the rain but it’s not coming and I’m starting to lose hope of ever thinking I have a chance to get back to where I was. Somehow I have lost myself. 
I’m struggling…
I’m spiritually exhausted from condemnation and fear yet I’m also spiritually dying and feeling every bit of the joy unspeakable being sucked right out of me, it’s frightening.
Leaning on the back of Jesus is so hard to do when you are just pissed off, annoyed, confused, drained. It sounds terrible to say that but that’s where I am.
I don’t want anyone telling me what I SHOULD do or what I shouldn’t do either…I just want a tangible touch from the God of Israel so my heart will conform to what He desires me to be. So I can once again be who I NEED to be to feel whole, secure and complete.
Hello?

Sitting In Shadows…
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: June 28th 2011

Today I spoke about my brother Randy and the very last phone call we had.
It was odd…talking about it.
As I pulled out of the parking lot and went about my day I couldn’t help but think of my parents.  
Being raised in a strict Southern Baptist home you have to understand the heartbreak they felt when my brother “came out.”
The feeling they had somehow failed as a “Christian” mother and father.
However, the love and support they had for Randy trumped any church authority on shunning him into any kind of “repentance.”
I know they struggled with the whole “can he be gay and still die and go to Heaven” thing. I can remember hearing my mother cry as she prayed for God to “change his heart” and my father’s conversations with elders of the church on weather or not he had done something to “make my son this way.” 
For years my brothers gay lifestyle was the white elephant in the room. Boyfriends he brought home for dinner were “just friends” and whenever we would run into old church friends they would ask about all my brothers EXCEPT for Randy, as that uncomfortable tension would begin to rise while avoiding to mention his name. 
It wasn’t until a year after Kenneth’s death I had a dream.
So real.
Very vivid…
I was with my Mom as we walked down a familiar street along with Randy. The sun was so bright and every bird was singing louder than usual. 
All of a sudden it was complete chaos. 
It was darker, people were running, the sun was gone and eventually the three of us were running. 
Faster and faster as we struggled to hold on one to another my brother Randy was lifted as he ascended so high, so high he was almost through the very clouds above me. The look on my mom’s face was complete horror and I was completely confused. I was begging him not to go, to come back where he is needed and loved. All of a sudden my mom stopped. She stood completely still. I screamed for her to hurry and help when Randy looked me right in the eye..”I need to go…If I see Kenneth I’m outta here, he will need me.” “What if you don’t?” I shouted…”Then I will stay.” One more leap into the clouds and he was gone. 
Devastated, I was devastated.
However my mom was at complete peace. She touched my face and said “It’s okay…They are BOTH there.” 
I woke up in a complete sweat and ran to my mother’s room as I told her the dream she began to cry and tell me that Randy had the HIV Virus for the past 5 years and it had now fallen into Aids with his last battle of the flu…I called him.
We wept together as he began to ask if this was God punishing him for his lifestyle, his relationship with Alan…Immediately I said “No way…God would NEVER do that.” 
My brother lived a surprisingly healthy life for years while trying to “change himself.”
Even moving thousands of miles away from Alan and joining a group of “ex-gays” at a local church. 
He cried all of the time.
Most of our conversations were late at night and he would ask why he still felt these feelings, why God wasn’t “making him better…” 
I had no answers. 
Eventually Alan went to North Carolina and they lived there, together, in a relationship and for the first time in a very, very long time my brother was…happy. We still had our “talks.” The day he died he said “Maybe I have it all wrong Tommie-Girl. The bible DOES say For God so loved the world not the straight and sinless…” I admit I winced a bit and replied with “I don’t know…” We went over scripture and he asked once again if I had ever thought God was punishing him as he began to get sicker and sicker. My answer was still an adamant “No.” I said “Randy…what if you died today…” I didn’t even finish before he took a deep breath and said “I speak with God all of the time, I read my bible, I sit in my room and beg for God to forgive me and I always feel Him. His love, His acceptance. I can truly say there is NO DOUBT Tommie-Girl, noooo doubt that if I died today in Heaven I know I’d be.” That was the last conversation we had.
Ever…
Alan died instantly. 
Randy was on life support with absolutely no brain activity. 
My Dad had died that previous year, my Mom was out of her mind with sickness and grief…and here I was, totally confused.
I grew up in a church where they taught homosexuality to be a sure way to never see the face of God. 
And now…here was my brother.
Openly gay. 
Only being KEPT alive by a machine they were now asking the next of kin to turn off…Only to send him into an eternity of what? 
Peace?
True restoration, healing, love….
Or…
My God…
Our sister had given the final word to “let him go” after discussions, tears and reasoning with our soul’s on weather or not we were doing the right thing. 
I can’t even express how tormented my spirit has been for years wondering where Randy is today. 
Listening to Jay Bakker and his affirming views on gays has gotten me so angry at times I’ve wanted to kick him in the balls.
You wonder sometimes… why God doesn’t answer your pleading of answers to the most difficult of questions. 
I NEED to be as good of a Believer as I can.
All of the “traditional Christians” are fading into the wind and I have been told to STAY STRONG, KEEP THE FAITH but I’ve been so angry and bitter and confused as to why God would make me send my brother into hell? Complete bullshit I have said MANY a night with thinking He has just forgotten about me, until I remembered, the dream. 
That amazing, beautiful dream. Those outlaw preachers and Jay Bakker saying things I was so against but now had perhaps been my answer all along. I’ve had Pastors tell me absolutely not, it was an emotional dream, God doesn’t do that anymore, homosexuality is wrong, BOTH of your brothers are in hell, deal with it and get over it. 
But what if….
What if we have had it wrong all along? 
Maybe I am looking to set my tormented soul at ease,
it’s quite possible.
Or maybe God heard my brother, his years of weeping, begging for forgiveness and maybe…as a God of grace…restoration….mercy….
He forgave my brother.
Moses never got to step foot into Canaan…however…is he not with God?

Selah~
The Lord is near to those who have been brokenhearted,
He hears the cry’s of those who have been crushed in their spirit…Psalm 34:18,19

WRITTEN: June 13th 2011

 You would have been 73 last Friday. It’s insane, you should of been here. I would be completely lying if I said I wasn’t still pissed off at God for your illness. Although grateful for your death. That sounds rather absurd but the moment your illness took your spirit of what made you, you it was as if you were already gone. I just will never understand why you had to get sick. Old people get sick. People who think they have no reason to live get sick. People who are angry, selfish, mean, hopeless and afraid…get sick. People who have forgotten how to laugh…They get sick. 
You were supposed to live forever. 
I would have settled for you living to at least see my kids get older, at the age to remember you forever anyway. 
Hanja is starting to forget you, her memories of you weren’t as strong as Charlie and Serenity’s. 
Ezra…well, I think he say’s he remembers just so my feelings won’t get hurt. He’s so adorable that way. 
Mom I still need you. 
It’s so not fair you aren’t here, healthy, and driving my husband nuts with your butting in and taking over like normal Mother-in-laws do. 
You were SUPPOSED to STILL be here.
Didn’t God get that memo?
Did He forget dad died?
Randy…?
Kenneth?
Tina?
Terry?
Michael?
I’m just a little confused here. Why you couldn’t be spared to at least enjoy your Grand-baby’s for awhile. 
4 years Mom…and it’s as if you died a minute ago. When will I stop crying? I did everything different this year too. 
On your birthday, I didn’t mention you to one single person. 
I spared everyone my tears, self pity and whining of unfairness. 
No Facebook status, no blogs…Not a whisper. 
Yet as soon as I drifted to sleep, there, there you were. I even woke up and used the bathroom, only to fall right back into a cruel sleep of dreams were you were still here. Silly, dreaming about driving to absolutely no where in a cream colored Station Wagon and all 4 kids. No radio…Just story’s about you and Dad…Nothing but the sounds of your voice and all of us laughing. 
I woke up and literally for a few seconds thought you were actually still alive.
Who does that?
It’s been 4 years…years…and yet I was relieved almost that your death was the dream and you were still here. I was tired as if I had been up all night driving and then it hit.
Like the biggest fuckin’ brick right in my stomach. 
You ARE dead.
I couldn’t control my tears. They were a sudden rain storm in the middle of day streaming down my face. I cried like I had just heard you died.
Some friends have told me that I still have family but they obviously don’t get my life, or understand what family actually is to me…
I keep wondering how long the grieving process takes but I’ve come to the conclusion that a piece of me died with you Mom.
My heart broke when Dad passed away…My brothers…Sister, but I still had them every time you and I would laugh or share a story about them.
But once you died, it was like I lost them all forever along with you and that…I can’t ever get over.
This grief will never be over. 
And nobody wants or needs to hear me whine about it, but in my mind I’m not at peace. My soul just aches, and my spirit is completely lost without you. I’m so off balance and lonely mom. 
You were my glass half full.

I truly miss your face Mom,
Tommie~Girl~

WRITTEN: December 3rd 2010

 It’s a bit crazy to think I’ve been a certain way my whole life and everyone knows me that way. 
Then after a glimpse my entire outlook changes in one single moment, or at least I think it’s a moment. 
A few days ago I was sitting in the hospital ER for the millionth time it seemed and I was just going through everything from 2002 until now and it just hit me…I felt totally abandoned. 
I feel as though I have been forgotten and betrayed by The Father, I pray, cry, beg, go to Church, sing, hum, but there is nothing. 
Nothing.
I feel so empty and out of touch from the presence of God it literally terrifies me to breathe. 
My life is nothing like I thought it was once was going to be. The life I once lived and was blessed to have is gone, lost…and as much as I grieve for it there is no “Job’s ending” in sight for me. 
I did everything I thought I was supposed to do in a biblical sense and yet there is nothing. Am I asking God way to much? Is it that I don’t deserve my ending I’ve been praying and seeking for?
Is THIS it for me? 
I always was so proud to wave my glass half full to the world with my box of crayons and colorful outlook on life no matter the circumstances that were laid before me. I gladly drank whatever cup The Father placed before me with little complaint yet now something has changed, perhaps I have. 
I’m tired of making excuses for why my cup is cracked and falling apart. 
I’m tired of looking for that bright rainbow at the end of every storm.
I’m tired of desperately seeking out that dreary cloud with the silver lining. 
I’m just…tired.
I lay in bed in the morning when everyone is at school, at work and I am just blank. I am as brutally honest with God as I can be in asking Him where He’s at, has He forgotten about my family, my husband, me? Yet I hear and feel absolutely nothing, nothing and I can’t bare to think what I once had is just gone. 
My faith is shaken like I have never had it shaken before and I am left here standing in this cold fuckin’ rain of grief, anger, bitterness, confusion…and God is nowhere. It’s not as if I don’t believe in Him I do with all that I am. That is why I’m struggling with this. I have been smacked in the Holy presence of God, on my face before the Holy Spirit and I have experienced vision, prophecy, words of knowledge and love like no other god could give their follower and yet for the past few years something has been lost within me, I have been lost, hanging on by a string and I am barley clinging to the only lifeline I have ever been able to count on to always be there and yet I can’t feel Him near. 
I can’t hear His voice. 
I’m just fearful that all MY mistakes, the roads I have been walking down have finally caught up to me in my Spiritual life and God is just done. 
Is He teaching me a lesson on waiting? 
How long do I wait before I come to a conclusion that like everyone else even He was but a season for me? 
The ER was cold and as yet another Doctor was clueless to my situation I couldn’t help but cry. I could feel the tears falling down the side of my face and they were actually burning my eyes to where it burned and I had to shut them. 
In my head I whispered “C’mon God…” 
But there was that familiar sense of loneliness that filled my soul to let me know yet again I have been left without an answer. 

…….

WRITTEN: December 14th 2010

Sometimes I just don’t get people. Actually most of the time I really DON’T get them at all. I am in no way perfect by any means at all, but there are a few things I try to do as a person.

#1 I try to be as honest as I can. That tends to show those around you that you are real and true. Besides if you don’t lie there really isn’t a reason to have a good memory about anything. I’ve messed up, sure. However there are those who make an ART out of being nothing but a liar. They sit and convince you that the blue sky you’re looking at is green for no other reason that to just…lie.

I do NOT get that.

The second thing I try to do as a general rule of thumb is to just be myself man. I realize that being me may not make 90% of those around me comfortable but I feel that really has nothing to do with me being me, it has to do with them not being comfy with themselves. Make sense?

I love to laugh, at anything.

It’s an important trait I was blessed with through my mom and I like to think I’m passing it along to my kids as well. Laughter will get you out of the craziest of situations.

I cry at anything too. I’m an emotional freak. Some may review tears as a weakness but why? That’s just dumb. It’s anything BUT a weakness man. Crying could mean just about anything.

You’re angry,

sad,

depressed,

happy,

or just plain…done.

#3 I still hold true to my heart for that traditional way of life. You know? Where the man is so selfless he thinks of your feelings first. Where you are walking through a parking lot and he guides you over to the inside of him so you aren’t walking in way of traffic but yet HE is?

How beautiful is that?

To give you his jacket without even asking if you are cold or not, but assuring you that no matter what he is looking out for your best interest always.

A hopeless romantic to the bone.

It MUST still be out there right? A love that shows no bounds? I just can’t believe it doesn’t happen or it is no longer real.

Those three things are VERY important at who I am and how I view other people.

So when someone lies to me or about me or even about those I love the most, it tends to screw up the whole process to me. A few times I can understand, maybe even overlook. However you do it over and over and over there is obviously a problem and if you tend to lie so easily then you obviously are nothing more than fake. And if you are fake, then the “feelings” you have for me are fake and I can’t dig on that at all. When people lie you can…Well I handle them one of two ways.

I keep them at a “safe” distance from me, not allowing them to get close enough to hurt me…Or…I just cut them off at the knees, metaphorically speaking of course 😉

Cut off all ties and communication with that person because they are nothing more than sheer venom. I feel as though people who continue to lie only want the worst for you. That whole thing of “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” is a load of bullshit. That’s a shady way of getting others in on your dishonest behavior and venomous actions as a…”friend.” It’s sad to think there are people out there like that but sad reality is, there are. They can’t stand knowing someone has something they want or that someone is truly happy while they soak in there misery of whatever victim card they decide to wave around.

It makes me sick to know all of the “friends” I’ve wasted time and seasons on. Poured out my soul and shared my tears only to find they are nothing more than sad, spiteful, evil sacks of flesh who want nothing more than to bring you down into there own life of misery and bitterness. They long to rip from your spirit the confidence in you that has taken your whole life to build.

You need to be careful because something like that is rare and beautiful.

Confidence is a gift you give to yourself and once you allow someone to beat it away from you and steal it it’s gone.

It’s not something that can be replaced so easily or put back in order once they are removed.

People who do this to another human being is nothing more than vile and cruel.

It’s important to stay true to you, be who you are and make no excuses for it.

If people are irritated, unaccepted or bothered by you simply staying genuine and honest then it is not YOU with the problem…however them.

CHERyL~