WRITTEN: December 3rd 2010

 It’s a bit crazy to think I’ve been a certain way my whole life and everyone knows me that way. 
Then after a glimpse my entire outlook changes in one single moment, or at least I think it’s a moment. 
A few days ago I was sitting in the hospital ER for the millionth time it seemed and I was just going through everything from 2002 until now and it just hit me…I felt totally abandoned. 
I feel as though I have been forgotten and betrayed by The Father, I pray, cry, beg, go to Church, sing, hum, but there is nothing. 
Nothing.
I feel so empty and out of touch from the presence of God it literally terrifies me to breathe. 
My life is nothing like I thought it was once was going to be. The life I once lived and was blessed to have is gone, lost…and as much as I grieve for it there is no “Job’s ending” in sight for me. 
I did everything I thought I was supposed to do in a biblical sense and yet there is nothing. Am I asking God way to much? Is it that I don’t deserve my ending I’ve been praying and seeking for?
Is THIS it for me? 
I always was so proud to wave my glass half full to the world with my box of crayons and colorful outlook on life no matter the circumstances that were laid before me. I gladly drank whatever cup The Father placed before me with little complaint yet now something has changed, perhaps I have. 
I’m tired of making excuses for why my cup is cracked and falling apart. 
I’m tired of looking for that bright rainbow at the end of every storm.
I’m tired of desperately seeking out that dreary cloud with the silver lining. 
I’m just…tired.
I lay in bed in the morning when everyone is at school, at work and I am just blank. I am as brutally honest with God as I can be in asking Him where He’s at, has He forgotten about my family, my husband, me? Yet I hear and feel absolutely nothing, nothing and I can’t bare to think what I once had is just gone. 
My faith is shaken like I have never had it shaken before and I am left here standing in this cold fuckin’ rain of grief, anger, bitterness, confusion…and God is nowhere. It’s not as if I don’t believe in Him I do with all that I am. That is why I’m struggling with this. I have been smacked in the Holy presence of God, on my face before the Holy Spirit and I have experienced vision, prophecy, words of knowledge and love like no other god could give their follower and yet for the past few years something has been lost within me, I have been lost, hanging on by a string and I am barley clinging to the only lifeline I have ever been able to count on to always be there and yet I can’t feel Him near. 
I can’t hear His voice. 
I’m just fearful that all MY mistakes, the roads I have been walking down have finally caught up to me in my Spiritual life and God is just done. 
Is He teaching me a lesson on waiting? 
How long do I wait before I come to a conclusion that like everyone else even He was but a season for me? 
The ER was cold and as yet another Doctor was clueless to my situation I couldn’t help but cry. I could feel the tears falling down the side of my face and they were actually burning my eyes to where it burned and I had to shut them. 
In my head I whispered “C’mon God…” 
But there was that familiar sense of loneliness that filled my soul to let me know yet again I have been left without an answer. 

…….