WRITTEN: December 13th 2011

I wish I could be one of those people who are good at keeping quiet or quitting while ahead. But the fact is I’m not. Have I tried? 

Of course, but it NEVER lasts for me. I can’t work that way. My Dad was a man with complete control over his emotions. A Marine, Viet Nam Vet, a true man’s man. But he was TRAINED to be that way and after he came home from Nam he carried that with him for the rest of his life. I still don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. 
My Mom was a completely different story all together. She wasn’t just the strongest woman I ever knew, she was by far THE strongest PERSON. Very stubborn (and I do carry that gene 😉 with me) but very open, honest and genuine. She loved to laugh all the time. I used to believe it was because she was so incredibly laid back but now…I see a lot of my Mom in myself.  
My Grandma used to say “Tommie-Girl, you may look just like your Dad but inside you are all your Mother…”
And as I’m nearing 40 I see truth in that in more than a thousand ways…
I laugh, all the time anytime.
But I carry a daily bucket of grief that if given a million lifetimes I could NEVER get anyone to understand it. However, my kids don’t NEED to see that in me. Neither does my husband, friends, co-workers…God. I find that whenever I have an overwhelming sense of sadness growing inside…or anger…frustration…hurt…I cover it. 
I find something to laugh the feeling away…I’m fully aware of the fact my Dad was not a perfect man and by far a perfect husband. looking back on so many things I truly believe my Mom laughed through her pain too. Getting older can have a lot of advantages, one being you are given a tiny ray of light shed on things that never were thought of before when you were younger looking at life with a complete different understanding than you have when you become older. 
I am a 100% outspoken human being. My biggest flaw to some is my uncanny ability to speak before thinking…(Hence, name of blog)…I have no problem with anyone and everyone knowing what I feel, think, love…hate. To others THAT is my best quality but I guess that depends on who you ask. I understand that it’s not the norm to approach life with my type of mind set. I’ve tried to be other ways. Keeping opinion’s to myself, looking at reality instead of unrealistic dreams, being private with my life in general…But the harsh truth here is this…I CAN’T BE THOSE THINGS. None of those qualities are anywhere within my character of who I am as a mere human being. I can try to change for the benefit of never offending anyone in or near my life but then not only will I be depriving myself of who I am and what makes me, me. I’d be depriving any of those people that I hold completely dear to my soul a genuine compassionate way of looking at life. From a perspective you probably won’t find in today’s way of thinking. 
So I’m asking…If you truly want to love me…then love…me. Even with all of my flaws, because trust me I AM FLAWED. However, in a world that demands conformity to whatever breed you’re near…with me you’ll always have a what you see is what you get…I can be such a bitch when I am sleepy, hungry, pressured. When I’m cornered or feeling alone and lost I cry and stomp my feet. When loved I am at your mercy with NOTHING but vulnerability laid at your feet. When I’m sad I laugh…Because my main goal is to protect everyone I love and adore. 
So, here I am. 
Totally praying for acceptance yet refusing to conform in order to get it. 
I screw up on a daily man, but I own my regrets and understand anyone’s frustration in loving someone like me. 
I’m definitely a rare breed I know. But I’m real…I’m real, and when I love someone, I mean it. 

Selah,
CHERyL~