WRITTEN: July 23rd 2011

 I remember the neighbor down the street from us died. He was a mean old man never smiled or offered a hello to anyone. 
Everyone was going to his funeral, including my mom. 
I was confused when I didn’t see my dad getting dressed and asked if he was going with us to pay his respects. “For what?” he asked me…I shrugged my shoulders and said “I don’t really know I guess.”
As a former Marine who served three tours of duty in Viet Nam my father was never at a loss for words or telling you exactly as he saw it. 
I stood there not really knowing what to say and my dad looked at me and said “Tommie-Girl, it doesn’t matter to me when someone so cruel, so mean and no compassion dies. I wasn’t their friend alive…and I’m not going to lie about it now that they are dead. Orval was a VERY mean man. Mean to everyone around here including that sweet wife…I’m not going to his funeral and put on a pretend sad face when I truly could care less.” 
You can just imagine my shocked face hearing my dad sound so harsh. But even though I was so young I remember it, and now can honestly say I understand exactly what he meant. 
 This year has been so extreme in re-learning biblical things. From homosexuality to traditionalism, all the way down to forgiveness….and grace. I have felt so spiritually numb a LONG ass time I am not even confident if I could still hear the voice of God let alone doing what He leads me to do. 
It’s ironic that a few short weeks ago I blogged about when do certain people get what goes around after being so cruel to people. Reason being one of those people I have recently found out has Cancer. The same Cancer my Dad died from. 
Stage 4
A year at the most.
I had loved this person for so long.
Looked to him as a father,
friend,
Spiritual authority…
But he did such a nasty thing to someone I care deeply for. Without no bounds of giving one single shit it affected our life, our spiritual walk, nothing. Then…when I needed him the most he wouldn’t even bury my mother. 
Not for any other reason than to be able to make my husband grovel for a forgiveness he wasn’t ever going to get anyway. 
Sickening. 
When I think about it I still want to vomit. 
Where is MY grace?
Compassion?
Mercy?
Forgiveness?
I wish I knew. But it’s no where in sight, reach or grasp of me, anywhere.
Not one tear has been shed for this man from my eye. Not one elevated heart beat of concern. 
Sigh….
For a brief moment I thought that we should at least go and see him, for what I have no clue…Certainly not closure. But my husband quickly said “No way…” 
My heart is breaking for his beautiful wife who never showed me anything but complete love and pure respect. 
His children…
But it ends RIGHT THERE. 
It sounds so mean but I told him when my mom died four years ago, that one day…one day he would want compassion and he wouldn’t get it and I pray that at that very moment he would remember what he DIDN’T do for my mother. 
I doubt very seriously he has even had one night sleep lost because of my mom, 
my husband…
anyone else he hurt. But still…It’s so ironic.am just at a loss of what to do. I wouldn’t even be able to guess as what the right thing is in this crazy situation. A friend said I should go and visit if anything for myself so I won’t regret. However, I have no desire to see him. For what? To throw hands up, speak of fake all is forgiven and forgotten in light of him dying? I don’t think I could do that. 
Simply because I DON’T feel that way.
I’m STILL very hurt.
Very angry… disappointed.
People can pull the grace card all they want but it doesn’t change the past. 
The fact people are STILL hurting so badly from things this person did or allowed to be done and said. Does someone dying trump all of their wrongs? Especially when they still feel as though they did nothing? 
I don’t want any biblical talk or scripture thrown at me either…I want SOLID, REAL, HONEST advice because anyone can quote a chapter and a verse. 
I understand when Pastor Nar says that “forgiveness doesn’t always mean that you condone that person’s actions” but for me it seems as though EVERYONE around has done nothing BUT condone this persona’s actions. 
There are consequences for standing behind a pulpit preaching love, love, love and being a complete ass to people when you’re not.  
I can’t be fake and act as though I’m just “soooo sad” when in all actuality, I’m really not. 
I don’t feel happy at all. I just feel like…”whatever…” which is just as bad as happy I think. Perhaps bitterness is getting the best part of me. 
But I adored my mom…
Loved my life and all of a sudden the things I thought were real, weren’t. 
It devastated me to learn that the men I counted on the MOST to be real and set things aside, didn’t. 
My life, the way I looked at God, strangers, friends…all changed and has NEVER been the same. It was a cliche’ you hear all of the time, “My reality check bounced.” Only it didn’t just bounce, it bounced up and smacked me in the face like a fuckin’ brick. 
So….
Now what?


Selah~
CHERyL