WRITTEN: July 6th 2011

The words to a song just linger in my head over and over: “I am so homesick now,
for someone I never knew.
I am so homesick for some place I will never be…” 
In my head I have so many memories of who I thought I was and I was so sure of that girl.
It seems as I get older my assurances of self are fading as I try reaching for things that are just no longer there.
I smile, laugh, taking steps forward but truth of the matter I feel I’m getting absolutely nowhere.
Kind of like walking up hill in cold ass wind and rain. Your destination is about a half mile before you yet the surroundings make it seem a 1,000.
My husband said everything in a nutshell.
“I just feel so spiritually alone. I have been so hurt by so many in the church that were supposed to be my family, that I don’t trust anyone anymore and I don’t know what to do.”
We’ve been walking around feeling numb for so long that we stopped talking to each other. At last, truth is we BOTH feel so defeated. With only slight resemblances of who we once were but long to be again.
My whole life I thought at 40 I’d have all the answers but it turns out that is a crock. The older you get the more confused and lonely you become.
Experiencing more hurt, pain, disappointments it all adds up and eventually you just break and collapse.
I get that being broken and staying broken is the best place to be for a Christian. But my brokenness isn’t some spiritual realization…My brokenness, my husband’s brokenness is just pure pain. Pain from being disappointed by the church, each other, ourselves…
To the point we feel we have no right to even say we are Believers.
Not just because of our own struggles but also because of the representation of God out there today.
It’s like a lose-lose situation.
Where do you go when you just… are… done?
I still truly believe Jesus is the key for me.
But I gotta tell ya, I feel like someone in the ocean. Lost, in the middle of a storm…You see the rescuer. They are right there in front of you holding out their hand but you are just so spent from all the crashing, coldness, and trying to keep above water you have no strength to reach back. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world. Having once stood in the middle of all you believed only to have lost touch. For whatever reason it happens. It’s as if there is a drought in my soul…I’m waiting for the rain but it’s not coming and I’m starting to lose hope of ever thinking I have a chance to get back to where I was. Somehow I have lost myself. 
I’m struggling…
I’m spiritually exhausted from condemnation and fear yet I’m also spiritually dying and feeling every bit of the joy unspeakable being sucked right out of me, it’s frightening.
Leaning on the back of Jesus is so hard to do when you are just pissed off, annoyed, confused, drained. It sounds terrible to say that but that’s where I am.
I don’t want anyone telling me what I SHOULD do or what I shouldn’t do either…I just want a tangible touch from the God of Israel so my heart will conform to what He desires me to be. So I can once again be who I NEED to be to feel whole, secure and complete.
Hello?

Sitting In Shadows…
CHERyL~