WRITTEN: January 6, 2011

I think it’s pretty safe to say that when my family all passed away that the Holidays would never be the same for me.
Every year since each of there deaths December comes along and with every passing year it becomes the longest month of the entire year. I feel the roller coaster of emotions starting in October, by Thanksgiving I’m wishing Christmas would be over and done.
It’s not fair to my kids.
I put on this “happy face” all throughout the Season but they aren’t stupid, they know.
Putting up the tree was a united event, now I put it up and decorate it while everyone is at school/work so it’s done and not prolonged into an all day thing.
I still have my parents Christmas Ornaments with each person in the families name on them, with each one I place on the tree I can’t help but cry an ocean of tears. Sometimes when it begins to get cold and the Christmas stuff is everywhere in stores I feel so overwhelmed for the next few months. 
I cry at the drop of a hat,
I can’t think straight,
I feel an unbearable sadness,
a sense of loss as if there deaths were just yesterday. 
To this very moment I can’t think of any of them without weeping. 
My mom and her amazing hugs.
My dad and his ability to read my thoughts and make me see the brighter side to any situation.
My brothers Randy…Kenneth…Terry…laughing at anything and never ending a conversation w/out saying “I love you” and my sister Tina…never saying the words “good bye” and no conversation would ever be complete without her trying to talk me into moving to Florida to be near her and her children…
I have a thousand regrets and a million “if only’s…” 
If I think of them for too long my stomach will begin to get into knots and sometimes I even pull over my car on the side of the road because I need a moment to re-group and get myself together.
I feel so lost without them.
Empty…alone…afraid…even at times, desperate….in a way I feel abandoned. I dream about them ALL of the time and waking up almost feels as if I’ve lost them all over again and I wonder how God can be so cruel as to allow me to dream of them, their faces are so clear, I can almost still smell my mothers perfume after waking up to find she’s not here, she’s not alive. They are all gone…I can’t even count on one hand how many times one of my children or my husband will walk in as I’m still dreaming and they hear me call out to her…”Mom…?” My youngest will usually touch my leg and say “It’s okay Mommy” while my other children won’t speak at all. My husband goes back and forth. Sometimes he will say “It’s me Cheryl” while other times he simply will close the door quietly.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I feel like I could possibly be the loneliest person in the entire world.
I’m trying so hard to grasp an understanding of why I still grieve each of them. It’s been so long since they’ve died yet it’s still, right there. I can feel my heart beat and see my chest shake with each beat. I have this mind set of having a glass half full yet I am struggling with throwing it up against a wall and cursing God for taking ALL of them away so soon, too soon. I feel like I was cheated. I get angry that I can’t call one of them, or hug my mom when I’m sad or need a “Thomas Ingram pep talk.” 
I have so many things on my mind and yet I have no one I feel to talk too about any of it. 
People all have their own life, people are busy my husband deals with enough..It would be unfair to speak to any of my kids so I sit. 
I drive to the airport and I sit there…
I should be talking to God but I turn off everything radio included and I sit. 
I think I sit there so long sometimes so I can remember how to breathe. I watch the planes and remember how when I was little this was my mom’s favorite place to relax. She was afraid to fly yet always said she wanted to be on a plane so it would “take me to anywhere.” I can remember her face as she would watch them fly over us sitting there and she looked so at peace…Complete serenity. I truly miss her. I still need her, I still need them all and I don’t know how to cope without them. I reach to be happy, but it’s so hard. I feel selfish. I should be thankful for the time I had but I can not help but to be a bit bitter. At the very time I started to realize what I actually had it was stolen and taken from me…How is that even remotely fair?
Here I am, a new year, and all I’m asking God for is a do over.
I want them all back.
I want peace of mind.
To be happy, content, loved, accepted and …sigh…it’s an unreasonable request, I know. It simply can’t be granted, they are gone. and I’m left to deal with it and I really don’t know how.
I’m beginning to think it’s impossible.
I find myself living day to day…trying to cope with to much loss for one person to handle and at the same time try, try having a glass half full mind set…
I want to be fixed and all I feel is forgotten.

Selah~