WRITTEN: June 13th 2011

 You would have been 73 last Friday. It’s insane, you should of been here. I would be completely lying if I said I wasn’t still pissed off at God for your illness. Although grateful for your death. That sounds rather absurd but the moment your illness took your spirit of what made you, you it was as if you were already gone. I just will never understand why you had to get sick. Old people get sick. People who think they have no reason to live get sick. People who are angry, selfish, mean, hopeless and afraid…get sick. People who have forgotten how to laugh…They get sick. 
You were supposed to live forever. 
I would have settled for you living to at least see my kids get older, at the age to remember you forever anyway. 
Hanja is starting to forget you, her memories of you weren’t as strong as Charlie and Serenity’s. 
Ezra…well, I think he say’s he remembers just so my feelings won’t get hurt. He’s so adorable that way. 
Mom I still need you. 
It’s so not fair you aren’t here, healthy, and driving my husband nuts with your butting in and taking over like normal Mother-in-laws do. 
You were SUPPOSED to STILL be here.
Didn’t God get that memo?
Did He forget dad died?
Randy…?
Kenneth?
Tina?
Terry?
Michael?
I’m just a little confused here. Why you couldn’t be spared to at least enjoy your Grand-baby’s for awhile. 
4 years Mom…and it’s as if you died a minute ago. When will I stop crying? I did everything different this year too. 
On your birthday, I didn’t mention you to one single person. 
I spared everyone my tears, self pity and whining of unfairness. 
No Facebook status, no blogs…Not a whisper. 
Yet as soon as I drifted to sleep, there, there you were. I even woke up and used the bathroom, only to fall right back into a cruel sleep of dreams were you were still here. Silly, dreaming about driving to absolutely no where in a cream colored Station Wagon and all 4 kids. No radio…Just story’s about you and Dad…Nothing but the sounds of your voice and all of us laughing. 
I woke up and literally for a few seconds thought you were actually still alive.
Who does that?
It’s been 4 years…years…and yet I was relieved almost that your death was the dream and you were still here. I was tired as if I had been up all night driving and then it hit.
Like the biggest fuckin’ brick right in my stomach. 
You ARE dead.
I couldn’t control my tears. They were a sudden rain storm in the middle of day streaming down my face. I cried like I had just heard you died.
Some friends have told me that I still have family but they obviously don’t get my life, or understand what family actually is to me…
I keep wondering how long the grieving process takes but I’ve come to the conclusion that a piece of me died with you Mom.
My heart broke when Dad passed away…My brothers…Sister, but I still had them every time you and I would laugh or share a story about them.
But once you died, it was like I lost them all forever along with you and that…I can’t ever get over.
This grief will never be over. 
And nobody wants or needs to hear me whine about it, but in my mind I’m not at peace. My soul just aches, and my spirit is completely lost without you. I’m so off balance and lonely mom. 
You were my glass half full.

I truly miss your face Mom,
Tommie~Girl~