Gesuschic

I know that whenever Pastor Bryn begins to speak God is about to smack me in the face with a brick.
True story 🙂
Spiritually speaking of course.
All she said was “God can reach us in those dark…hopeless…places…”
Sitting at work today in my head my words to God; “I just feel as though I’m in a well. Not of wishes but just a dark hopeless well with no light in sight.”
I swear Pastor Bryn is right THERE in my head, Saturday after Saturday, facebook status after facebook status. God be with me if she ever decides to get on Twitter! (hahaha) Just kidding!
Every week I walk into church and I lay before the Father all that I am…My dreams, goals…the family I grieve for and the wrongs that I’ve done to people and what they have done to me…I pray He keeps me humble, watch over me with mercy and love me with grace. Yet at approximately 7:45pm I leave with the SAME crap that my flesh has been having a tug of war battle with in the spirit for a VERY long time.
Some things you hold onto out of fear of failing, fear of God not listening, or both.
With me it’s not just those things but my stronghold is more of a “comfort food” if you will. I’m my own worst enemy.
The biggest hypocrite of them all.
 Raging from the roof tops to anyone who will listen how JESUS can set ANYONE free, there is POWER in the blood yet as a child not wanting to put back the toy he’s be carrying around the store, I stand before Him holding it behind my back.
“TAKE MY LIFE LORD…IT’S YOURS! DO WITH IT AS YOU WILL…I COMPLETELY TRUST YOU IN EVERYTHING…except for this ONE thing…”
I have some nerve.
How can I profess FREEDOM in Christ when I myself stand stagnant in sin and complacency?
I’m totally ashamed of myself.
As well as I should be.
The children of Israel wondered around the desert for FORTY YEARS what should have been a 12 hour trip. I wonder myself…
But I’m too hungry to be walking for another decade waiting for things I could already be SEEING if I just COMPLETELY SURRENDER. 
I CRAVE the presence of the Father. It sounds totally gross, but I want Him to mark His territory as a dog would, on my ENTIRE BEING. Without a word spoken I want people to KNOW who I AM is by the smell from my spirit as I walk into a room.
Like those who I’ve read about in my Bible, those who have spiritually mentored me in my life and those who walk among me now.
Being stagnant by the very baggage He sacrificed His Son for, so I wouldn’t even have to carry it in the first place is ridiculous. 
This is it for me…
I’m letting it go and moving forward with my eyes WIDE shut and my SPIRIT completely OPEN…

Watch Out For The Bricks,
In Him,
The Whore At His Feet…

WRITTEN: February 2012

 When Jesus ascended in Heaven I’m sure the Disciples were a tad bewildered in wondering what was about to happen to all of them. Staying together as family, splitting apart, moving on, ect I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them. With all my years in Ministry there is one thing that is always a certainty and definite, and that is change.
It really sucks.
When you are a Christian you already have the world working against ya let’s face it. However sometimes to soften that blow God gives you a Timothy, a Priscilla, Luke, Peter, ect and you not only become a spiritual family you become a blessed servant for having people by your side within Ministry.
If I said right now at this moment I wasn’t angry I’d be flat out lying to you. I am not only angry I’m confused asking God what the hell just happened? lol
But in NO WAY am I walking out of this building today completely oblivious to the blessing God has bestowed in my life the past 6 years.
To work within Ministry is and honor, to actually get paid and make a living is a miracle! (Ha~Ha)
My heart is completely broken as I leave here today.
These women are my sisters.
This is what i was CALLED to do.
My purpose…the plan God had for me.
Although I will no longer get a paycheck for it, I will STILL continue doing what My Father pressed upon my heart to do.
I LOVE the Pro~Life Ministry. My heart is here, my desire is to minister in love with complete compassion to these women who have been totally desperate and broken from a past abortion or an unplanned pregnancy.
My desire is to give them a hope they never thought possible of being able to heal from an irreversible choice.
My desire is to show them they have other options.
I don’t need a paycheck to validate the calling God has placed within my life…It still sucks. I love this job. The people I worked with…We were in every way a family.
Praying together, hanging out together, studying the Word together…ect…
It’s a change of season.
One day at a time…
So even though I want to stomp my feet and go out kicking and screaming…I won’t.
I’ll Log out,
say my good-bye’s,
get into my car and just breathe…
because no matter what…I KNOW God has my back. He brought me this far, He won’t forget me now 🙂 I can’t explain or understand the circumstances of why my time here is done today, but I can have trust in the fact my calling within this movement is NOT.
It’s perfect that my very last phone call needed for me to share my testimony with the young lady. Her situation was similar to mine 18 years ago…My own choice in facing an unplanned pregnancy, my story.
As if God was saying…”This isn’t over by a long shot Cheryl, we have work to do.”
And to that I say: “Here am I, let’s do this!” 

All the time God is good…And God is good…All the time.
I will not be overwhelmed by this mountain of change that has been laid before me. Even Moses had to walk his mountain alone leaving Aaron and Joshua behind…I’ll be okay. This is okay…

SELAH~

CHERyL~

WRITTEN: January 2012

Church was so beautiful Sunday. It’s funny, I would never have thought Matt Rice would one day be my Pastor when I was wind millin’ my hair front and center watching his band rock out at the Al Rosa 20 some years ago. But that’s why God is so cool and awesome. The things you could never imagine, He…can bring to life. When you’re a Christian actually walking in the presence of the Holy Spirit life is always moving forward with each step a leap out of the boat and onto the water, yet your whole mind set is within a complete peace. I haven’t felt that in a VERY long time. Circumstance, anger and bitterness creeps at every corner, every doorway lurking, waiting for a way in and sadly sometimes it finds itself nestled in your spirit and it happens. 
You begin to die. 
Spiritually, just…dying. 
Crazy how you don’t even realize it happens. Bitterness for a Believer is like Cancer. If not treated you just begin to completely shut down. 
Before you know it you are too weak to eat, function…and eventually just die. For a long time I could tell it was happening but by the point I did I really didn’t care. As Pastor Matt said: “your dreams have died.” Sooo true man…Before, I was so excited thinking how God was going to move next and now…eh…I remember when…
I totally hate that feeling. 
When I’m not close to God I am totally miserable. Anyone who knows me can see it all over my face. It’s hard when you allow that bitterness to take over how you also become estranged from allowing yourself to be …GULP…vulnerable. (GASP!) But I do miss it though. I miss having confidence in the fact that no matter WHAT life has for me GOD will be my security. In loss…happiness…grief…everyday living. These past two weeks have been such an eye opener for me. It is SO crucial to CLING to Jesus. In EVERY situation of my life. 
Good times, bad times…ALWAYS CLING TO JESUS because man, life can change and in an INSTANT your whole entire world can be thrown into a loop. I hated having that happen while being out of the will of the Father. Reason being was because it was no longer a concern about GOD’S WILL yet MY OWN. I have JOY in the fact God is God, and I’m NOT Him 🙂 Everything Pastor Matt talked about Sunday was totally for me. I just knew it too. I knew God was waiting for me…My spiritual bones have been dead and stagnant for so long I was almost too embarrassed to even go to church last Sunday. Yet at the same time I couldn’t lay there dying forfeiting my destiny. Pastor Matt talked about so many important factors on The Gate Church Sunday but the thing I walked away with was the fact I STILL serve a God of do~over’s, A just God who is all for restoration and grace. There is no doubt in my mind that I serve a SOVEREIGN Holy God who isn’t waiting for me to fail, yet encouraging me to get back up and get moving again. 
Have I fallen before?
Shit man, who hasn’t? But guess what? “DO OVER!!!” And there is Jesus, in the MIDDLE of my storm, my RAGING sea waiting for me to step up out of the boat and focus my eyes on Him.
I feel refreshed. Blessed He has brought me this far despite myself. 
What is your sea? 
What is raging against you?
Finances, love, employment, it can be anything, whatever it is…Screw it man! You CAN’T make it through without God. Without focusing in on Jesus. It’s scary starting over man…But dude that is GRACE. 
Children have to learn to crawl before they can walk. I’m starting over in my relationship with Jesus and trust me for the past 6 years I have been crawling my way toward Him but Sunday…I took a step. Monday another, Tuesday…Wednesday…Every single day I feel stronger and stronger and it won’t ever be like it was before. But that’s okay. This is NEW wine. the open invitation Jesus laid before me has been accepted and my glass has been REFRESHED. 
Today is here, I can’t change the past by any means but I can raise my glass, link arms with Christ as we toast to my dead bones brought to life and my dreams becoming alive again. He is faithful…so faithful…Praise the Lord  for real men of God and their obedience to the calling in their lives! there are NO coincidences people! There is reason for everything. You NEVER know what God is doing so just “go with it” have confidence He is in control and the faith to believe He knows what He’s doing 😉 


SELAH, \o/
CHERyL

WRITTEN: January 2012

I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012 and how this is the year my husband and I are going to apply things to our lives that will improve the lives of our children, our marriage, our walks with God and anything else we think of along the way 🙂 
The past can be very hard for me to remember although I think of it more than I should. So many things I miss and long for that can never be again. Certain places, things, and MANY people who I feel made me who I am today. Of course my parents…friends…seasonal friends and even my bully’s. From High School to my adulthood, hahaha
Sometimes my worst enemy is Nostalgia. 
My mind finds it’s way into the back of my memory lane and nostalgia gets the best of me.
I argue with myself on weather or not to find certain people, not to make “amends” per say but I think to see if their hearts have changed, as mine has. If they’re different people with a different outlook. 
My husband says to me all the time: “Don’t do it Cheryl, you’re going to get hurt all over again.” I know deep down he’s right. I find it easy to take blame, apologize even…But as I get older I feel myself changing to otherwise. 
I want closure I suppose. 
Until now I thought that meant something completely different than what it actually is.
You don’t always need closure FROM that person or persons, sometimes you simply need closure FROM them. You see what I mean there? One sentence, but TWO meanings. People don’t always change. For the best or worst. You can’t control where someone from your past may be at today. However you can control where YOU are at today. 
I never make New Years Resolutions. Half way through the very first month of the year I’ve already forgotten that I even made one let alone remember what it was!
BUT…
With the goals and plans my husband and I have for 2012 I thought it only appropriate to make one this year:) 
I’ve decided to give resolution to the entire negative  parts of my past. The ones that I created and the ones others created for me 😉 Not amends necessarily but defiantly resolution (the act of resolving). 
I’m not saying who was to blame nor now do I even really care. I don’t care to even hear your side nor do they want to hear mine I’m sure. So therefore I need to just leave it. I don’t know where some of you may leave it but for me it’s at the cross. Right where Jesus left my blame for my sins and everyone else…
From now on everything that left such a negative outlook in my mind it stuck with me as if it had just happened…is DONE. The situation has been resolved. Thus me going forward to the start of not only MY year but the year of Angel and the kids. 
I am going to be who I am. 
I am joyful.
I am laughter.
I am forgiving.
I am forgiven.
I am well within my soul. 


Selah~
CHERyL

WRITTEN: November 13th 2011

I just feel so sad… I can’t help but to be so overwhelmed by grief. I know, I know, I write/blog/tweet about it all the time but around these months it’s that much worse for me. Last night was yet another reason this time of year sucks. Our friends, our neighbors left for South Carolina. My poor sweet boy, Charlie is just heartbroken. It took awhile to adjust after moving here. It seemed like a few years there our lives were so shaky. When we finally got moved in, settled and the kids started yet ANOTHER school Charlie had the rockiest of starts. He didn’t have many friends and just leaving our church he was picked on ect…It was rough for awhile there. But then he met Cameron. For the first time in a VERY long time Charlie had a best friend. A “brother from another mother.” Cameron’s family was Charlies family too. He loved them that much. Even Ryan, Cam’s dad who seemed so intimidating to Charlie, he loved him too. Cam’s l’il sister and brother were an added joy to Charlies life. He adored his sister…to the point he would always say: “Mom, when I grow up and get married I hope I have a Rilynne.” lol 
When he called from Youth Group last night I could tell there was something wrong. He wasn’t my normal Charlie. 
He was really sad.
“Mom, please come and get me…I don’t want to cry in front of everyone.” As a mom you want to do everything you can to protect your child from all of life’s unfair reality’s. One of them being…When a dear friend moves away. 
It’s one thing to lose them across town, church splits, ect but another State? 
When he got into the car he just lost it. My heart was in my throat as I struggled to not cry myself. I felt so bad for him and I still do. My sweet boy.
All day today he just wasn’t himself, very quiet and sad. I went on a walk with him and he said “Mom, usually at this time I’d be asking if I can run down to Cam’s…” as he put his head to the ground…sigh…
I KNOW we’ll be visiting Cameron and his family because they are amazing people and my son adores every single one of them, but for now he hurts. 
Any kind of a lose you have in death, a move, grown apart ect is really hard. Change like that is so sad and difficult. I’ve never been one to adapt well to change and sadly my children have had to learn how over and over for the past 5 yrs while their dad and I get our shit together.
It sucks man.
I feel as though I’ve failed as a mom in protecting my kids from the smallest to the biggest of heartbreaks and failures. 
I wish I could take all of Charlies pain so he wouldn’t ever have to feel lose of any kind ever again. 
Serenity too!
They both have lost friends…too many friends. 
95% of the time was all my fault. 
I just hope Cameron and his mom, Loria know how LOVED and missed they will be EVERYDAY. I swear to God if I had the money I would have packed up house and been right behind them on the freeway to that new start at the Ocean 😉 we’re about to move again…and Charlie will again start another school but there is no doubt in my mind he will never EVER meet anyone as genuine and true as Cameron Fuller. 
If you and your mom happen to ever read this please know I can never say enough THANK YOU’S for being Charlies friend when he had none. And being his family when he needed more…I LOVE you and adore you. 

ALWAYS,
CHERyL~

RE~WRITTEN: October 29th 2011

It was warm outside. One of those summer nights where it was comfortable, not too hot or cold. Just right. perfect for what God was about to do.
I was 16 years old.
Raised in a Baptist family who had never mentioned nor practiced the gifts of God.
Although my family was amazing in their faith I had never actually experienced the POWER of God the Father.
I knew He was real, I knew He had sent His only Son to die for me to have everlasting life…but His power….I had never felt it to be so real until that night.

25 years ago there was a christian book store called Heartsong. I had a friend whom I met through school and she had stumbled upon it through some old friends. We started hanging out there every week end and eventually when my parents left their small baptist church I started going to church with her at the owner of Heartsongs church which was in Reynoldsburg.
I was so drawn to Rich and his wife Karen. They quickly became spiritual parents to me and I love them with all that I am even to this very day.
They were real.
Honest,
Beautiful,
Caring people.
I can honestly say they are still those very same people that touched my spirit so long ago in that tiny bookstore.
My walk with the Father took me to places I would have never imagined if I had stayed in that small Baptist church in Canal Winchester.
My spirit was so hungry for something more that I knew God had for me but I was clueless on how to find it.
Late Friday nights Rich would close up shop and shut down the lights and play worship music for those of us who wanted to stay and pray…and seek…and eventually…find.
For me, I was restless. Wanting to know what God wanted from me, in my life here on earth. I had been told a thousand times over how my soul was older than my age and now almost 40 am I realizing how true that was and still is.
One Friday night Rich wanted to pray over us as he usually did towards the ending of the evening but this night was different.
I had laid out on the floor under the pool table with such longing to hear from God on my life, my mission for being. It was unlike ANYTHING I had ever felt or gone through before.
I wasn’t leaving until I knew.
As Rich laid hands on me and began to pray it’s as if he too knew my heart was longing to hear something from God and he began to pray for the Lord to show me what I needed so desperately to see. It was then tears started falling from my eyes and it was as if my skin was peeling off and God was totally re-identifying who He was meaning for me to be. I know it sounds crazy…But it was so amazing. Here I was, when most teens are out into trouble, going to the latest movie, walking around the mall…I was in this darkened, peaceful room and God was moving and shaking my spirit to the point my life would NEVER be the same. My relationship with Him would NEVER be the same. For the first time in my life I was experiencing His almighty power within my heart, my spirit, my soul…I could feel it from the bottom of my biggest toe…all the way to the top of my head and every hair on my body was on edge.
It wasn’t until Matt Rice had also began to pray. Just a few years older than me he too was praying that God would show me a vision for my life.
And then it happened.
For the first time ever, a vision that I totally had no doubt God Himself was placing in my heart and spirit. I remember it so clear too. I couldn’t see any faces. However there were thousands of them…people…male and female just walking…Holding signs that had words like “Love me” “Don’t let me go” “I want to be loved” “I want to be wanted” and they were walking towards the edge of this huge cliff with a drop off never to be seen…At this point I was crying so hard I couldn’t even open my eyes because it would hurt to see what little light Rich had on in the store. Rich asked me what I was seeing and I told him. Through my tears I said “I’m supposed to help these people….” Rich was so in tune with my thoughts as he responded with “Cheryl…every part of my spirit is telling me those are aborted children.” The crazy thing is, as those words fell off of Rich’s lips I was already there. I knew that’s exactly what it was I was seeing. I just KNEW IT. Matt too confirmed that is what he saw but it wasn’t just the aborted children, he had said young girls who were single mothers….Not knowing where to turn and feeling all alone in their situation.
5 years had passed and sadly my relationship with the Lord came to a stand still in my own rebellion and all of a sudden I had found myself pregnant and unmarried. Sitting in a Planned Parenthood with three women telling me abortion as an option was the best for me because of my age and the fact I had just broken up with my boyfriend a few weeks earlier.
Heartsong on that sweet summer night at 1am in the morning, He knew where I would be in 4 years, He knew from that four years where I would be in 11 years…and from there till now, HE KNEW. I messed up! I stepped right out of His will and right into my own and even using MY very rebellion He lead me right back in line to HIS purpose and will for my life. I ask you WHAT OTHER God could do something so amazing, so perfect and so beautiful to where even in the midst of you thinking you are done for, He is STILL glorified in bringing you right out of your messed up situation?
My BIGGEST and GREATEST testimony of all is when young women ask me after hearing my story if I ever regretted the decision I made in CHOOSING to have my daughter….I get to tell them with true sincerity that I have never had it easy, it has been rough at times, but never, not even once, EVER did I regret giving birth, giving and choosing life to THE most precious thing that has ever happened to me. My daughter will be 18 soon. I can’t believe how bold she is for the gospel. Her ability to stand on His truth amazes me everyday. Sometimes she’s even the one to give me encouragement to keep pushing through and see what God does. I can’t ever even imagine what would of happened if I had stayed sitting in that Planned Parenthood and allowing those women to scare me into choosing death as an option for my baby, when life…is such a blessed thing. VISIONS…brought to life….Don’t ever allow ANYONE to tell you they aren’t for today, or they were for then, but not now because I am LIVING proof that’s a lie, my daughter is living proof…that’s just not so….Follow the Father and seek Him in all you do….HE IS FAITHFUL.

SELAH~
CHERyL

WRITTEN: October 18th 2011

It was December of 99′  and I was standing in the walk-way of Denny’s restaurant while my Husband was paying our bill.
An elderly lady walked up to me and asked if she could touch my stomach. A complete stranger laying hands on my belly would normally freak me out, but there was an odd comfort with this woman. I can’t even explain it. As her hands connected with my 7month pregnant belly there was a warm feeling that came over my entire body. The kind of feeling you get while walking into your Grandma’s house on a Sunday afternoon and smelling her homemade chocolate chip cookies all through the house. She smiled at me and said:
“With your Son God intends to heal your husband from his past childhood where physical abuse had taken place. But with this child you will find peace, and when you have his biological Son The Father will heal your husband from the emotional abuse he suffered.”
She blessed me, and walked out the front door and just like that, gone.
My Son Charlie was 3months old when Angel and I met, he’s the only father Charlie has ever known. A lot of people (including friends) never even realized Angel wasn’t Charlies biological Son!
They are so much alike…For the first year of our marriage Angel was so nervous getting to know Charlie and actually falling into place as his Dad…However when I became pregnant for a third time it was Angel who said “I KNOW this is a girl.” She was. A beautiful precious little girl who looked EXACTLY like her Daddy 🙂
Everything was perfect. We had our two girls, and our “little man.” It was 3months after having Hanja I began to have dizzy spells and losing my breath. Going in for a routine gull bladder removal they found a problem with my heart.
As a child I was born with congenital heart disease and at 14 had a valve correction done. I was completely fine my whole life until now…The doctor’s strongly suggested getting my tubes tied because getting pregnant would potentially kill me.
I couldn’t help but remember the l’il old lady at Denny’s nearly two years before. I refused to have my tubes tied. I just KNEW God had another plan. The Doctor was so annoyed he refused to do my heart surgery to the point he called me “selfish” for wanting another child.
However, it wasn’t about wanting another child…
It was about a Prophesy.
As I went under during my gall bladder surgery I had a vision. It was Christmas time. Angel was playing with Hanja as Charlie and Serenity decorated the tree. There was a baby carriage with a blue blanket draped over it by the couch where I was sitting. I knew it was a boy and I knew it was mine and Angel’s biological son.
Being raised in a non religious home his whole life Angel’s relationship with Jesus was all new as he still was figuring out a few things, one of which was knowing when you hear God’s voice.
The cardiologist we found in Cleveland wanted to do my valve replacement as soon as possible. He said time was NOT on our side. I was one breath away from a heart attack possibly death. My heart valve was taking all the blood from my heart that was supposed to go through my body and pumping it back into my heart, leaving it enlarged and my body with NO oxygen getting to it.
They insisted on a mechanical heart valve but with that…No more children.
Again, I REFUSED.
My husband was so hurt. He kept asking over and over “Cheryl…don’t you want to grow old with me?”
I kept telling him about my vision of the baby boy and the Prophesy from the little old lady but he didn’t care. He didn’t comprehend all of the gifts of the spirit or what they meant. All he knew was to think LOGICALLY when all I could do was think SPIRITUALLY.
I was asleep one night waking up startled and literally hearing the name “Ezra.” I had NO CLUE whose voice, where it came from, why I was dreaming about it…I began reading the book of Ezra and how he was a Prophet of God to inspire a King of Persia to commission a leader from the Jewish community to carry out a mission, the rebuilding of the Temple, purifying the Jewish community, and sealing the holy city itself behind a wall. I could not get what the lady at Denny’s said. That Angel’s biological son was going to be a healing from his past emotional abuse in his childhood.
The rebuilding of my husbands trust in a Holy Father, purifying his trust as Angel’s Heavenly Father and sealing that confidence within the walls of Angel’s broken spirit. Ezra wasn’t just Prophesied about, he was a VISION given to me. I KNEW it was God whispering to me in the night…Ezra’s name.
I kept everything to myself. Instead of fighting with my husband on weather or not to get a mechanical heart valve or a cadaver valve that may or may not last, I prayed. Wept before God begging HIM to reveal HIS plan, HIS will to mine and Angel’s life. I knew the ONLY way that my husband was going to know we were to have another child was if God Himself spoke to Angel directly.
Months passed…
Then late one night, I awoke again only this time it was my husband screaming the name “EZRA!!!” Crying and shaking as if he were a leaf in the wind, he jumped out of bed pacing back and forth…
I just started crying and asked him what happened.
“Cheryl…it was incredible. I was walking through a venue. All of our family and friends were there. People from my past in each room. I was being lead by a huge angelic like being showing me my life from when I was a child to now…We entered the main auditorium and there was a HUGE banner covered by a BLUE BLANKET. I asked what it said and the angel lifted his hand as the blue blanket fell off the name EZRA appeared. Cheryl…We are having another child. A boy, and I truly believe God wants his name to be Ezra.”
We both just sat there crying our eyes out. All I kept saying was “I know, I know…God told me too, months ago!”
I began sharing everything God had been telling me through people, dreams, visions…Angel couldn’t believe it.
The following Monday we went to the cardiologist and explained we were refusing the mechanical valve.
The doctor said “Just so I understand. You are willing to risk another open heart surgery..a third in fact…because of some dream?”
We politely said “yes” but what the Doctor didn’t understand was the fact it was NOT just a dream, this was indeed…”A GOD thing.” 😉
On October 18th 2000 I had my second open heart surgery, aortic valve replacement.” A few months later I became pregnant, and exactly ONE ENTIRE YEAR TO THE VERY DAY on OCTOBER 18th 2001 our precious, beautiful vision was brought to life on a gorgeous fall morning, Our baby Ezra.
You would fall to your knee’s if I told you the story’s of healing God brought to my husbands tortured soul through his son. But those remain private until Angel is ready to share. However, when mere men explain things in a LOGICAL point of view ALWAYS remember, as a Believer, we are to look at the spiritual, putting everything and I mean EVERYTHING even your life in the hands of God the Father. He truly does have a plan and a purpose for your life. It can happen in any given situation, place, time, in an instant or over time but no matter how, why or when He is GOD and He is still on the Throne and only God knows the ENTIRE picture for your life.
So…here we are.
10 years later.
Ezra is still our blessing,
our reminder,
our mission of healing, love, purification…
And 11 years to the day from a valve replacement that was only supposed to last 5-10 years MAYBE…and I’m healthy, alive, and sassy as ever.
GOD IS FAITHFUL.
He is good ALL the time and ALL the time God IS good.

EZRA~ “Meaning to HELP or SUPPORT. Judging from the Biblical contexts, this kind of help isn’t a mere assisting but an ESSENTIAL and INDISPENSABLE support, a requisite tied DIRECTLY into SURVIVING or not.”

Selah and Selah,
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: December 13th 2011

I wish I could be one of those people who are good at keeping quiet or quitting while ahead. But the fact is I’m not. Have I tried? 

WRITTEN: October 23rd 2011

No matter how long I live I will NEVER understand someone basing a foundation of roots into a friendship, relationship or anything else on appearance in the other person.
What does that say about your character? I don’t get it. I just don’t.
When I meet someone the first thing that catches my eye or my attention if you will, is the sense of humor they have at themselves, life, anything!
I honestly don’t think there has ever been a time where I based my wanting to get to know someone on their mere looks alone.
By looks I mean anything from their skin tone to their weight. I happen to think it’s a pretty shallow reason if you ask me. What happen to common interest?
An ability to laugh with each other?
There are so many people that get overlooked simply because they don’t flip the bill in the looks department and that’s really sad.
Not just for them but for the shallow mother fucker who could be loosing out on the most loyal friendship/relationship they may ever have.
It’s so true!
I guess I was raised better than most people 😉
I had good roots…My parents were honest and loving people who always taught us to look from the inside out.
You can’t measure a man’s worth by the outward appearance they have.
It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or sexy someone may be on the outside they could be ugly as sin on the inside.
I can almost understand where people say that looks is what attracts them but still, where is the foundation of your interest from there?
What if they are the sexiest person alive and you get together, stay together and once the physical attraction is gone what are you left with? If THAT was the basis for your attraction?
What if something happens God forbid, as in illness, accident or worse and those looks are GONE?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO FROM THERE?
I’m not talking about people who get together, find one another attractive and GENUINELY fall in love. I’m referring to people who there ONLY attraction for someone is wrapped up in an appearance?
And who the fuck decides what IS beautiful?
Attractive?
Pleasing to the eye?
The cast of Jersey Shore???
Yeah right….
I know men/women who have a REAL issue with their spouses gaining weight after years of marriage.
That is the most saddest, pathetic thing I have ever heard.
NOBODY is who they are from when they were first married. Weather it’s weight, attitude, opinion, financial, whatever…EVERYONE changes.
People grow apart sure…but due to the fact the other may not be “as pleasing” to the eye as before?
That’s REALLY sad.
And it doesn’t say much for them as a human being either.
That’s my opinion of course.
Now I get that some men/women completely allow themselves go…sloppy, nasty, whatever the case…But if you have a Spouse who works in the relationship, communicates, does THEIR PART for the home, children ect and still manages to keep prideful in their dress, hair ect I’m sorry, then to “loose interest” merely because of weight is a disgusting reason and quite frankly your shallow ass should be ashamed of yourself.
For someone to go through YEARS of encouragement, support, love, children, emotional stability all to be tossed aside because of a number on a scale?
Wow…
Pretty sick.
I can’t STAND shallow people like that.
When I fall in love with someone I see them from the complete inside out! When people start dating I think it should be a requirement to watch “Shallow Hal” before walking out into the world…The most beautiful things in life can be easily missed when merely looking through the eyes and not the heart.

I Speak To You The Truth,
CHERyL~

WRITTEN: October 13th 2011

No matter how hard you try and stay true to yourself there will always be those people who decide to misrepresent you. 
Maybe they feel they have good reason, Or they have no other reason at all other than to be cruel. 
Possibly they’re miserable with how they view themselves so to make their own self esteem higher they decide to shoot flames about someone who is genuine. 
People flock to that shit too. People as in others who are just as nasty, miserable and bored who have nothing better to do than feed off of misrepresentations of others. I think it’s disgusting how certain people love to tear someone down whom they have never even met. Not one hello…smile or second of any conversation yet they take in all that was said to them about you, only to place in their mind what they assume is truth. 
The worst part is when that ugly excuse for a human being decides to share with you all that has been said . What do you do? 
Defend yourself?
What’s the point? You’ve already been portrayed as this heartless animal which could not be farthest from the truth. 
I hate people like that. They feel as though they have everything figured out about you when in fact they don’t know shit because all that had been presented to them was lies and fabrications of ignorance. You can TRY to set things straight but honestly if I had it to do over I would laugh my ass off at the jealousy to which this misrepresentation came from. I mean it MUST be jealousy. 
Jealous of who you truly are. 
Beautiful,
kind,
loving,
genuine,
forgiving…All the things the source of bullshit desires to be but can’t get it together enough to accomplish it. So they lash out to make themselves feel better, look better when in all actuality they aren’t. 
Misery LOVES company and people who are miserable want to make those around them either just as miserable or make them the cause of ALL their problems in life. Well, do what you will…But I learned a VERY long time ago eventually, you WILL reap what you sow and there will be NO ONE to blame for it but yourself. 
You can be the most loving person. Doing anything for anyone you love and adore but one misrepresentation and the jealous losers of the world will try to convince you THAT defines you.
Just take a deep breath and blow it out…You can fight to prove who you TRULY are but why? 
Hate breeds hate and NOTHING or no one can change what has been done to you, or said about you…
The one thing that keeps you going, that keeps you laughing and smiling is the fact you will go on being beautiful…kind…loving…genuine…and forgiving and they will STILL be the same nasty, cruel, vile, miserable assholes whose obviously jealous at the fact you can hold your glass half full despite all the ugly in the world . They don’t have the strength or the ability to know how to laugh through the saddest of times, take what life has decided to give to you and make it work. They can’t stand the fact people actually like you and that you can look in the mirror with an understanding of your past and forgive yourself for the bad choices you’ve made in your life. Taking responsibility for all the wrongs you’ve done and owning the blame is not so easy for the weak. And I do say weak because anyone who rips the confidence apart of someone who has done nothing but try and move past the fire is a very sad soul…and anyone who engages in that and attempts to dig and pick at your scars of regret is only proving you actually are better than they are. Words of hate do NOT define me. The jealous ignorance of people who have never seen my face will NOT define me. Regret, mistakes, bad choices, those things do NOT define me as a person. My perseverance, love for my children, forgiving those who have hurt my heart, standing in Christ…THOSE things WILL and DO define who I am. God knows truth and He is a just God, fair, and merciful and in that I will put all that I am and never allow ANYONE to break my confidence in what I KNOW as truth and not some fabricated stories from people so clearly jealous of who I TRULY am. Which is all they wish to be but don’t have the balls to forgive themselves for THEIR past mistakes, regrets…They can’t look into the mirror and forgive themselves for their own actions so they try to move forward by walking on the pieces of crushed spirits…But in the end I will STILL be moving forward and they will still be right where they choose to stay, in the heart of their misery and self hate. 
With every mean, cruel word ever spoken or said about me that’s fine…go ahead but guess what? 
I STILL WIN…


Selah,
CHERyL~